Gerard tries to go over all the things that is bothering him about Mikey finding out that something is way up between them.
1. Kiss Mikey
2. Take Mikey to playground at high school
3. -------------- Kiss Mikey more.
Right there I stopped. There was nothing to do here. The more I thought, the harder it got. Suddenly it hit me that we should do something new. The thing I promised: Start a band. What sucked about it was I didn’t know how to play guitar so that was a problem. I mean, I could be the lead singer. Mikey knew how to play bass so all we had to do was think about the rest. When I thought of this it soon was defeated because he was only coming down for a month. There still was 3 months to go.
It was horrifying to see how long things were going. Mikey started scaring me again. He always would reply back to my messages with an “Oh…: or “Hmmm…” or a simple “haha.” I always thought everything was a joke or a lie to him. I wanted to keep our relationship alive by saying new things, but he wouldn’t play along. He’d seem to not like me one bit anymore. He seemed creeped out and didn’t give a shit about me anymore. I felt like the problem. It was like I was pushing him away more than trying to pull him in. This didn’t feel like the real Mikey. It was a new Mikey that wanted to get rid of his past and start something new that I wasn’t included in. I truly felt he didn’t want me anymore; he didn’t need me anymore.
He did say he loved me and missed me at times, but it never felt complete. I would have to say it first to work a response out of him. Like forcing him to say it. Maybe he did, but I never knew; he never showed it. The biggest problem between us I felt was that I thought about him differently than he thought of me. I thought of being with him all the time, kissing him, just seeing him was a bonus. He wouldn’t agree because I was his past. Things I thought to be said were never said, just a simple two letter work or no response because he didn’t know what to say. I was totally obsessed with him, but nothing was ever cared.
Nothing meant what I wanted them to mean to him. I felt I was on a whole different page than he was. I was far off from that page he was on. Something was wrong and something was totally off. But I always came back to the same solution; it was all my fault and I was always going to be the problem. Everything I said didn’t bring a smile, it brought the same solutions. Again, I couldn’t stop what I said because I was unconditionally and completely in love with him. He would never feel the same way so I continued trying to show that and change his mind; didn’t work. I had a new fear added to the list where Bert was #1. My fear of Bert was #2, and now, #1, was that Mikey was going to break up with me.
I messaged him.
G: Hey! How you doing, babe?
M: Hiii! I’m doing alright. U?
G: That’s good. Whatcha doin?
M: Nothing, just listening to music.
G: I can’t wait until you come back.
M: I know, right? I’m excited too.
G: Damn, you’re in a surprise for what I’m going to do to you. :D
M: Oh… Um.. Okay then.
He started doing it again. My head started thinking that he was getting creeped out.
G: I’m sorry if I creeped you out.
M: Oh. Nope.
G: What’s going on Mikey? I feel like something’s wrong.
M: No. Nothing’s wrong.
I didn’t want to upset him but I gave it my best shot.
G: Is something going on between us?
M: No… Not that I know of…
There’s the dots. Something was going on for sure. It’s just he was hesitating to say it.
G: I know, I’m the problem. Saying too much, saying it at the wrong times.
M: No… You’re not the problem.
“Hey, I’m just stepping out for a little while. I got an appointment,” my father said, standing in my doorway.
“Kay,” I said, and he walked away out the front door, locking it.
Thank God, I’m alone.
G: You don’t care about me anymore, do you?
After a few minutes, I worried and kept clicking the “check mail” button over and over every few seconds. I finally got a response.
M: I do. It’s just getting hard. I’ve got a real lot on my mind.
I thought of a response.
G: I worry about you a lot, Mikey.
G: ‘Cause I want you happy. I like when you are happy. I care about you. I love you.
M: I think you should stop worrying about me.
I had to read the message over I couldn’t believe my eyes.
G: Why would I stop worrying about you? That’s my job. We’re in a relationship.
M: You just should.
G: Really, what’s going on, Mikey? Please, tell me.
G: What do you mean?
M: I can’t take it anymore. I want to be with you but…
G: But what? Is this because of me?
M: No, it’s not you. It’s not ever you. I’m just thinking about things.
I think my day had come.
G: What things are you thinking? You’re scaring me.
M: I think we should stop.
G: Stop what?
A few minutes I waited. This day I might die.
G: No, please. For real?
I was waiting for a “no,” but it just wasn’t my lucky day. My eyes started filling with water. I wish I could see his reaction right now.
G: Ok… I want to cry. I’m sorry for everything.
M: I know. Don’t say you’re sorry. It’s not you.
A lone tear fell down my cheek.
G: I thought we were going to be together for a long time.
M: I know. Me too.
G: Are we still going to talk and be friends?
The tears were coming full force as I tried holding them back. My breath was jagged and I felt the hiccups form.
G: I love you.
I waited for five minutes, no response. I waited for five more minutes thinking he would respond. He didn’t. My thoughts were proven true: he didn’t love me. I was now getting up from my chair, away from my computer and sat down in front of my bed on the floor. I pulled my knees to my chest and started crying hard. Tears were pouring out of my eyes. I cried for so long I now lay on the floor with my eyes closed, swollen and never wanting to open. I calmed down a bit, hiccups still coming out of my mouth. I still felt like crying because I never thought this day would come.
I now was broken up with Mikey.