Gerard goes into a deep depression. (Author's Note: This was probably the scariest thing I've written in my entire life. Don't ever do this sort of thing, you've got tons to live for. Especially MCR.
“You think so?” I whispered back.
“I know so.” He smiled.
I smiled back and had some hope for the first time in awhile. When I got home my father was out. I headed for my room, dropping my stuff on the couch on the way. When I turned it on I logged onto my email and saw no new emails from Mikey. Doing this was a routine, everyday I looked to see if he wanted to still be bothered with me. A frown set upon my face leaving me hopeless. I got up and went into my bathroom across the hallway and opened the bottom cabinet where my father’s razor was and sat in the empty tub.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, feeling all my sorrow settle in its place. It settled deep in my soul like the cuts I wanted to place upon my skin. This was a routine too. When no one was around I would prepare myself for this, but leave in nerves not being able to brave doing it. I told myself things were going to get better, but I knew it was a lie. It was always a lie.
I opened my eyes and stared at my arms, almost waiting for me to carry on what I had planned. I thought of doing it other places, but I always wore my leather jackets; my secret would remain sealed. I didn’t need help, I didn’t want it. I thought of things I could live for, but each thought was spoiled. It was turned bad. It was good vs. evil. But evil always won, good no longer existed.
When I saw Mikey’s face in my thoughts, my eyes began to water. All I wanted to do was be with him, I never asked him much. I pushed up my sleeve on my left arm as my tears rolled down both my cheeks and tapped my finger to the top of the razor to feel its sharpness. I placed the blades at the top on the side of my wrist facing inwards and pushed down with medium pressure.
As I pulled it towards me I felt the piercing slash sting bringing a smile to my face. The gash was about 3 inches, not too deep, but deep enough to feel my problems relieve me and pour out. My blood rose and dripped slowly down the side of my arm as I put my arms back down on the side of the tub. I put the razor down and watched as my left arm bled down the tub. I cried heavily but smiled and laughed at what I had done.
I pushed back my sleeve on my right arm and thought of where I would place the next cut. The last cut was only a good test run; not too close to the veins. This time I would do it closer. I grabbed the razor in my left hand this time seeing the blood smeared all over its blades and put it up to the top of my right arm on the side just below my elbow. I pushed down with a little more pressure than the first time as I dragged it along the crease of the inside of my arm to my forearm next to my tricep. I pulled it back slowly, biting my lip and grunting as I felt it slice.
This time it was a little bit over 3 inches. I stared at it again and cried happily. I put my arms back down on the sides. My left arm almost healed but my right still bloody. The blood speckled the bottom of the tub. It was beautiful to me. I closed my eyes for a few minutes with my head against the back wall thinking a bit better about myself until I heard the front door slam shut.
It was probably my father so I got up and out of the tub, washed off his razor good, and put it back exactly the way it was. I wet a corner of a towel and wiped and dried my trying to heal freshly cut arms. I smiled at the results, wiped my tears away, and washed the towel out and hung it on the towel rack. I opened the door and saw my father start walking down and smiled at him. “Hey,” I said to him, quickly.
“Hey, kid! What are you doing?”
“Nothing. Just on the computer.”
I giggled and sat down in my computer chair. I pushed back my left sleeve and touched over the gash. This felt amazing.
My chat opened and Jason said, “Hii!!!”
I started talking to him.
G: Hey! What’s up?”
J: Nothing much. Can I come over?
G: Of course you can.
J: Okay. Yay! I’ll be over in a few minutes.
G: KK! I’ll see ya!
That was the good thing about living in that house. I had my best friend only up the street. He loved coming over too. I turned on my iPod and straightened out my bed as I shut off my computer. Suddenly I felt hands touch me from behind making me jump a mile. I was relieved to find Jason standing behind me. I pulled off my headphones and put my iPod to the side. “You scared the living shit out of me.”
He laughed. “Yeah, I was planning on that.”
“How’d you get in anyways? You came so fast.”
“The front door was open part way. Yeah, well, I’m kind of hyper so I walked fast.”
I laughed at him. “Yeah, fat ass left open the door, I guess. He does that a lot.”
We laughed even harder. “Is fat ass in bed? I think he should go out and buy us some Chinese food.”
“I’m not sure. He really should.”
I walked out of my room with him following. It suddenly got really hot in the room so I turned on the fan in the living room and looked outside the front door. I turned and looked up at Jason who was smiling at me. I pushed back my sleeves and held onto the door handle as I leaned against the door frame. “What happened?” Jason asked.
I looked at him, suspiciously. “What are you talking about?”
He pointed to my left arm on the handle. “That.”
I just realized I pushed my sleeves back mindlessly. “Oh. Nothing.” I tried covering up.
“Have you been cutting yourself?”
“No.” I lied. I knew he was going to work it out of me.
“Yes you are.” He touched over the scab on my arm. He didn’t know about my other one at least.
“It was an accident.”
“Really? Do you have anymore?”
Immediately he grabbed my right arm and turned it over seeing the bottom of the cut leading up to my upper am. He pushed back my sleeve even more to see it all spreading upwards. He knew the answer now. “Yes you have. Why are you lying to me?”
“Because… I’m scared. I kind of didn’t want anyone to know.”
“Well, you know you can tell me. Why are you doing it?”
I knew exactly why I was doing it. It was a simple answer. I hesitated but I couldn’t anymore. It was impossible. “…Mikey…” I said, softly.