For spirit week. When nine year olds take playing super-heroes a little too far.
Pure insane stupidity. Enjoy.
No More Heroes
The city was his. From where he stood he saw all; moms and dads pushing prams through the street, commuters coming home after a long day, the police car parked outside Mrs Irwin’s house. He supposed it was only a matter of time. That woman had way too many budgerigars to be sane.
No criminal was safe. No thieving junkie after a next fix. No shop-lifter after another packet of Haribos. Unless he was stealing from Mr Maguire because he was a moody old man who smelt of corned beef. The power lay in his hands to declare judgement on the people of New Jersey. His hands...and his heart.
“Any sign of movement?” TechBoy called up.
“No,” Bloodreign answered from his vantage point, flicking his dark fringe out of his face to peer down at the people below. His hair was growing too long and kept getting caught up in his mask. TechBoy had suggested tying it back but he had scoffed at the suggestion. Girls tied their hair back. Defenders of the city did not.
“Keep looking,” said the Zombinja, tossing a jelly baby into his mouth. Food was fuel and he needed to keep up his strength.
TechBoy groaned. “Can we go home now?”
“No!” Bloodreign snapped, whacking a branch out of his face. “We’re on an important mission!”
“You mean you’re on an important mission,” TechBoy sulked. “You never let me climb the trees.”
“That’s because your powers do not include tree-climbing capabilities,” replied Bloodreign knowledgeably.
“That’s because you chose them!”
“What actually are your powers again, Mikey?” asked Zombinja curiously.
“He has the ability to control electronic and mechanical devices,” Bloodreign answered for him. “You know. ‘Cos he’s such a dork.”
“And what are mine?”
“You...” Bloodreign hesitated upon realising he hadn’t actually given Zombinja any powers yet. “You’re part zombie and part ninja, right? So you have ninja moves...and you can’t die.”
Zombinja grinned widely. “Awesome sauce.”
“He gets immortality and I can talk to my iPod?” TechBoy protested. “How is that fair?”
“It’s probably because I’m better than you,” said Zombinja knowledgeably.
It was the loud crack of a twig that prevented TechBoy from responding. The trio took their positions behind the tree trunk and took up their weapons. Bloodreign could hear his own pulse pounding against his ears which was strange for a vampire-werewolf-sorcerer-assassin-warrior-spy. He was pretty sure he was also living dead. Still, he gripped the sword handle fast and when he jumped out from behind the tree it was with a blood-curdling war-cry.
“Alright guys, chill,” came a voice. “It’s just me. Ray.”
With a sigh, the heroes sheathed their blades and turned to face their aggravator. “What the fuck dude,” snapped Zombinja. “You can’t just jump on The Defenders like that. We could have killed you.”
Ray pointed at Zombinja’s belt where a number of knives were sheathed. “Are those...real?” he gulped.
“Well no shit,” Bloodreign rolled his eyes, turning a little to allow Ray an eyeful of his samurai sword. “How are we supposed to lynch rapists with wooden spoons and a BB gun?”
Ray’s eyes widened, his eyebrows disappearing into his curly hair. “You guys lynch rapists?”
“Not just rapists,” TechBoy interjected. “One Direction fans as well.”
“Whoa,” Ray exclaimed, awe-struck. “Can I play?”
“Depends. Do you have Defender weapons?” asked Bloodreign, “You gotta have Defender weapons if you’re going to be a Defender.”
“Oh, well, my mom doesn’t let me play with knives,” said Ray. “But I got this bubble-blower, right? And if you get the liquid in your eye it stings like crazy! Aw please Gerard, let me play!”
“I’m not Gerard, I’m Bloodreign,” Bloodreign sneered. “Vampire-werewolf-sorecerer-assassin-warrior-spy and the leader of The Defenders. And as the leader of The Defenders I say leave us, mortal, to purge the city of evil in peace!”
“Fine!” said Ray. “I’ll make my own superhero club! And we’re gonna kick your lame, panty-wearing asses! You will rue the day, Defenders, that you said “no” to Professor Pandemonium!”
And with that he sprinted across the grass, leaving The Defenders bewildered. “What did he mean by “panty-wearing”?” Bloodreign asked.
“No idea,” TechBoy replied.
Both turned to look at Zombinja who was staring fixedly at the floor. “Zombinja,” said Bloodreign very carefully. “Are you wearing your mom’s underwear again?”
“I think that the super-hero industry is way too male and female-dominated,” Zombinja replied matter-of-factly. “There should be more of a diversity. A transvestite super-hero would appeal to the masses really well.”
Behind him came the slap of TechBoy’s facepalm as Bloodreign shook his head dejectedly. “Goddammit, Frank,” he sighed.
With feet like those of African deer and the determination of South-American dung beetles The Defenders sprinted through the New Jersey streets, keeping their eyes peeled for trouble. Bloodreign took the lead of course, followed closely by TechBoy who was clutching a stitch and lastly by Zombinja who was finding it difficult to run in heels. The city was their turf, their land. And if any lawless rule-breaker wanted to challenge that they could do it at the point of their mom’s kitchen ware.
“Guys, stop!” said Bloodreign in a loud whisper. “I’ve found some crime.”
He pointed over to where a group of kids were spray-canning a cock onto a brick wall. TechBoy looked nervous. “I dunno Gerard,” he replied. “They look like fifth-graders to me. I don’t think we should get involved.”
“That’s Bloodreign,” Bloodreign snapped. “And isn’t that why we’re here? We’re Defenders! It’s our job to get involved in things which are too big for us! Imagine if no one said anything and those dicks were able to spray-can genitalia wherever they pleased? Imagine how many young minds would be corrupted! Just look at what’s happening to the country!”
“What is happening to the country?” asked Zombinja thoughtfully.
“You expect me to know that? I’m nine, for Chrissake,” Bloodreign rolled his eyes. “Jesus Christ. Okay, let’s go!”
With another mighty roar they charged at the fifth-graders who jumped back from the wall in shock as Bloodreign screamed “Put your hands where I can see them, motherfuckers! Up against the wall! Now!”
“I would do what he says if I were you,” Zombinja growled menacingly. “I know I may not look like much but I’ve actually got super-human ninja powers. Also I can’t die.”
“Hey...don’t you kids go to our school?” asked the tallest.
The Defenders looked at each other. “Our identity may be compromised,” Bloodreign whispered. “How could that have happened?”
“I swear, I never told anyone, Gerard!” Zombinja pleaded. “I’m devoted to you.”
TechBoy shrugged. “Dude, why would I tell? I’m embarrassed of us.”
“Then we must have a traitor in our midst,” Bloodreign frowned.
“That you do!” came a terrible voice.
A cloud of smoke began to issue from the end of the alleyway as spray-paint flew at The Defenders from all directions. A booming laugh echoed across the walls as a dark figure emerged, a figure dressed in a cape as black as night and a mask to match. A figure who looked remarkably like Ray.
“The fuck, Toro?” Bloodreign exclaimed, wiping yellow paint of his face. “Why would you do this to us?”
“You guys wouldn’t let me play!” Ray pouted. “So I formed my own team, like I said. Except we’re not good like you guys, we’re sorta evil.”
“Please Ray!” Zombinja cried. “Don’t do this! Rejoin your friends! Return to the light!”
Bloodreign frowned at him. “Christ, you’re such a fag.”
“What does fag mean?”
“I don’t know, I heard it off Antiques’ Road Show.”
A spray can went spinning through the air, missing Bloodreign by inches. Fire burned in Ray’s eyes. “I have no time for petty chatter!” he growled. “For I am Professor Pandemonium and I have come for revenge!”
The Defenders took their positions, hands grasping their blades. “We’re ready for ya,” Bloodreign replied. “Bring it on!”
As soon as he had spoken the words, the fifth-graders leapt into action. Avoiding TechBoy’s swiping knives, one crept up behind him and yanked at his boxers, pulling upwards. TechBoy screamed.
“Not the super-wedgie!” Bloodreign groaned. “He’ll never walk again!”
“I’ll save you, Mikey!” cried Zombinja, snatching up one of his knives.
It happened almost in slow motion. The knife flew out of his hands as the fifth-grader grabbed him and was sent spinning through the air. Heads turned to watch it fly, an ear-splitting scream letting everyone know that it had found its mark as blood began to pour, indistinguishable from the scarlet of the spray-paint.
“I believe these belong to you ma’am,” said the cop gruffly, giving Gerard and Mikey a nudge out the car.
Gerard scowled at him. “I don’t belong to anyone! I am Bloodreign! Vampire-werewolf-sorcerer-assassin-warrior-spy, and-”
“-Oh give it a rest, Gerard,” Mikey sighed. “Jesus.”
“Hey!” said Gerard indignantly. “You can’t talk to me like that! I’m your leader! I’m your big brother! I practically own you!”
“Shut up and sit down!” snapped Mrs Way. Gerard and Mikey instantly fell silent and filed into the kitchen, staring shame-facedly at the floor.
“I gotta call this afternoon,” she continued. “From Ray’s mom, telling me that my sons had attacked him with knives and were waiting for me at the police station. How do you want to explain that?”
“We did not attack him!” Gerard protested. “We’re Defenders. We were defending ourselves against his evil forces!”
“We were playing superheroes and Frank accidentally threw a kitchen knife and it hit Ray’s arm,” said Mikey dully. “It was Gerard’s fault.”
“You’re the one who made us take the knives! I was perfectly happy with the BB gun but SOMEBODY wanted to be a “real vigilante”!”
“I cannot believe I’m having this conversation with you!” Mrs Way shrieked. “Kitchen knives are for slicing vegetables! Why would you...how could you do something so stupid?”
“Well this is why we didn’t tell you,” Gerard explained sulkily. “We knew you wouldn’t get it. You’re not cut out for a hero’s life, mom.”
Another facepalm from Mikey. Mrs Way’s face was turning slowly from pale to burning red. Lifting a shaking arm she pointed up the stairs. “Go to your rooms. I can’t think straight at the moment. I’ll deal with you later.”
“But it wasn’t-”
“-Technically it was Frank that-”
With exaggerated sighs, Gerard and Mikey went upstairs, refusing to meet each other’s eyes. But once in the sanctity of his room, Gerard sat next to the window and smiled. He could see the city from here. The moms and dad’s pushing prams, Mrs Irwin still being wrestled into that police car. It was all his.
The Defenders were down, he knew. But they were not yet out.
Mildly amusing? Just plain stupid? Let me know! Thanks for reading :)