It was strange, at least to me, that someone could have such a level of complexity that I just couldn't even fully comprehend the situation, even though I was staring right at it.
Gerard wasn't the best example of a human; certainly not. But he certainly was a good example of an odd human, something I could relate to.
Gerard; the popular boy who went out of his way to be popular, yet really wanted no part of the popularity scene. It was confusing, it troubled me greatly. I would spend hours just trying to fit Gerard together, organize him in my mind. I couldn't wrap my finger around the constant swirl of hate, misery and perfection that swirled around him, and I so desperately wanted to understand.
It wasn't as if I wasn't used to Gerard, I lived with him and we shared gym. I was used to him in the way one would be used to having a ghost in the house; I knew he was there, and I knew he was searching for something yet he remained a mystery, hidden in shadow and constantly obscured from my full view, always caught in the corner of my eye.
It amazed me, it really did. That Gerard could lead such a double life, such a lie and not tear himself apart. Or maybe Gerard did tear himself apart; he seemed to be broken in an almost unfixable way. I couldn't help but wonder sometimes if the pieces to the puzzle I called Gerard were even capable of fitting together, or if they mirrored each other and couldn't connect, couldn't come together and make a logical picture.
Sometimes it seemed helpless.
Like the days Gerard would throw a half hearted smile at my parents, only to cry himself to sleep at night. He definitely had damage, but I found myself wanting to inspect every wound and scar until I could name where every one was and how it got there. Maybe I was too curious, maybe I was getting too interested. Maybe I was annoying Gerard.
I didn't care, though. Didn't care if Gerard couldn't stand me, didn't care if Gerard wanted nothing more than to get me out of his life. Gerard interested me, as things so rarely did. He was somewhat of a novelty.
He was something completely new to me, something yet to be discovered by anyone. He was bright while swirling dark all around his edges and core, dead while living a seemingly full life. It was kind of ironic, that he was the only one left alive of his family yet the only one actually dead. Funny how that worked out.
There was something in Gerard that kept me captivated, most likely the new revelations I was always finding. He was tricky, most certainly an enigma, but I refused to back down. I wanted to know everything about Gerard, I wanted him to be happy and I wanted to focus on him as the school days went by, I wanted something so unstable it could detonate at any minute without warning. Gerard was everything I needed, and as cruel as it may be to watch him suffer, that's what I did.
Gerard Gerard Gerard Gerard. It was all gerard, all the time. I took my time staring at him at dinners, Ray got pissed at me for staring at him during lunch. He pretended not to notice me at school, but he asked me at home to leave him alone at school. Of course, I didn't. He was my lovely specimen, my toy and my muse.
I wrote songs about him. Horribly moody, songs that came in and out of reality, songs that sounded like a shattering soul and an unhelpful drone of useless noise at the same time. The songs were somehow strong on the surface, forceful and hard, but there was an undercurrent of melancholy, a weak beat or two that captured the deep, dark and dangerously full Gerard.
Full, he was so full. Full of every emotion he should never have to feel, every emotion that should never have to be felt.
It's cases like Gerard that lead me to believe that suicide isn't wrong; it's the situation that causes the action that's so vile. People commit suicide because they're broken, bored or in love. Bored or in love, Gerard was not. But Gerard certainly was broken, was split into millions of pieces that I needed to put back together. Somehow, I needed to find a glue that I could apply to Gerard. But where could I find such a thing?
I didn't know, so I continued to watch Gerard for any crack that I could help fix, any piece of him I could sew back together. I didn't know how to help, I stayed up late at night just thinking about how I could help Gerard, how I could get him to tell me every single piece of his should. How could I get him to cough up his heart for me to examine? It's all I wanted to know, so I watched him.
Apparently the popular friends of Gerard noticed my interest in their friend, not a good thing for me. I wasn't a stranger to bullying, but it hadn't been bad at this school as it had been at others. The bullies just left him alone, Frank soon found out, it wasn't that there weren't any. Crayons and clay was thrown at him in art class, and by the end of the week I had a broken finger from his hand being slammed into a locker.
All Gerard did to acknowledge the incident was mutter a quick "Sorry."
I'm thinking of ending this soon. Comment?