'beautiful black roses remind me of my heart'
“Hey, Frankie.” He called to me in a sing-song voice .He started swinging our hands back and forth. I smiled at the action.
“Yeah, Gee?” We stopped walking and Gerard spun around so he was facing me. Taking hold of my other hand, our arms made the shape of an oval.
“You know I love you, right baby?” I was lost; of course I knew Gerard loved me. He had professed this to me a million time in the past. He recognized my dumbfounded expression and smiled fondly, reaching up to pet my hair. But something had changed. It was in his eyes. No longer were they sparkling with love, but were stormy and clouding over in darkness.
“Gee.. What’s wrong?” He dropped his hand from my head and slowly released his grip on our clasped hands. The wonderful sunset scenery started to swirl and change. It was spinning so fast the only thing I could see was Gerard, his eyes slowly filling with hate.
“I hate you. Why would I ever love someone like you?” He sneered down at me. Sometime, through all the spinning, I ended up down on my ground. I stared up at him, probably looking as helpless as I felt.
“But.. you just said..” I felt lost, fading out. I couldn’t believe he would do this to me.
“Lies, Frankie-boy, all lies. You wouldn’t believe the things people say to get into someone’s pants.” He chuckled, punctuating it with a smirk. “Well, I have a wedding to get to.” He was wearing a tuxedo. Since when had that happened? He turned and was walking away. No, he can’t leave me. We belong together, we love each other. I voiced this to Gerard and all he did was laugh. He laughed and turned back to me.
“The wedding is mine.” was all he said. And then Bert was there. They walked off into the swirling blackness hand in hand, blood-red roses sprouting out from their every footstep. Soon wilting and turning black, mixing into the mess, with all the rest.
And those beautiful roses, sadly was painfully symbolic of my heart.
I shot up with a start. I was sweating and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I frantically started clawing at my shirt, willing it to come off. Through my struggle I realized I was in a bed, and swiftly kicked off the dark blue sheets. My head was pounding, finally getting the damned piece of clothing off I tried to regulate my breathing. I threw my legs over the side of the mattress and hunched myself over, cradling my head in my hands.
I couldn’t get a break could I? I hated these dreams. They still haven’t gone away for years, why would I expect them to go away now? Sighing, I decided I should leave the room. My throat was dry and scratchy. I needed some water.
I made my way toward the kitchen when I heard soft voices coming from the living room. The water can wait, I thought, and tip-toed my way over to the entrance and leaned against the wall about a foot out of view. I knew I shouldn’t be listening but I couldn’t help it.
“Mikey, no. You know it’s a bad idea and it’s not like he’ll answer. He has the wedding rehearsal today.” Ray spoke. I felt my heart clench, remembering my dream.
“He always answers his phone when I call. I have to call him. It’s just.. Ray, do you really think Gerard said those things? He never acted like that before.” Mikey seemed truly conflicted. I felt my lips get tugged downwards into a frown.
“I don’t know.. but would Frank really lie to us? He just looked so heartbroken earlier.” Ray sighed, no doubt rubbing his face.
“Think about it. He hasn’t seen us in three years and then he shows up out of nowhere claiming Gerard just bitched him out. It’s been years, why would he be freaking out after one little encounter. You would think he would’ve moved on..” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Mikey didn’t believe me, he thought I would lie about what happened. Why would I do that? I couldn’t- didn’t want to- hear anymore of it. I pushed myself off the wall and appeared in the doorway.
“You don’t believe me. Tell me one thing, Michael. Why would I bother to show up here after years if something bad didn’t happen?” I scoffed, now clearly pissed off. They both just stared at me, eyes boggling like they couldn’t believe I heard them. When they didn’t say anything I continued. “Your brother broke.my.heart. He ripped it in a thousand pieces. Do you even remember any of high school?” my voice squeaked at the end, as I remembered the happiest time of my life.
They were dead silent. Not either of them spoke. “What!” I finally barked out. And that’s when I noticed they weren’t looking at my face, but my torso. I suddenly regretted ever taking my shirt off. I would admit, I hadn’t been eating well, over very much at all.
After Gerard, I had attempted to move on. I had a boyfriend who seemed nice enough in the beginning. But he couldn’t stand the nightmares, he’d shake me awake and tell me not to be such a pussy, that I should be a man. He stripped he of my confidence and he just loved to dominate the weak. And I was a perfect target. His name was John, and he had a little thing for knife play. The evidence still littered my body. My arms, thighs, and stomach had randomly scattered, swollen scars. Of course, I never loved John but I was just so scared to leave. John knew people, a lot of people. It didn’t take me long to figure out that he was a criminal, and the fact made me even more fearful. John absolutely loved that. He never actually cared that much about me that much was obvious, but I was starving for affection and love I was pathetic, just like Gerard told me I was..
“Frank.. you didn’t..” Ray trailed off, hand outstretched towards me. Like he wanted to touch me but thought I might crumble at the touch. I knew what he was trying to say, he thought I had done this to myself. I know I was skinny, skinnier than I should be. But I wasn’t hungry and maybe psychologically, that was John’s fault. Maybe it was mine. I never cut myself though. All of those were from John, from all those nights he forced me into sex, made me helpless against his strength.
“Frankie.. you’re so skinny..” Mikey looked extremely guilty. I didn’t understand why. This wasn’t his fault. I instinctually hunched my shoulders over, trying to hide my body. It was no use, they had already seen all the scars, they had seen how my bones stick out, but I was so self conscious.
“The way my body looks does not change the fact that you don’t believe me.” I seethed. I didn’t care how I looked right now. I just couldn’t, I set aside my self consciousness and I stared at Mikey. I burned holes into his pleading eyes.
“Frank, I- Gerard is my brother what do you expect me to think? He hardly has changed since the day you two broke up.” I flinched. I didn’t know what hurt more, the fact that Gerard didn’t take the break up a fraction of how bad I took it, or the way Mikey just threw my worst memory at me like that. “Sorry.” He whispered. There was a long pause. I didn’t know who was supposed to talk, of if no one knew what to say. We just stood there, all looking at their feet.
“Are you hungry, Frankie?” Ray finally spoke up. But that was the last thing I wanted to hear. I shook my head still not looking up. “C’mon you should eat something.” Ray was probably worried about my weight. Bless him for always looking out for me. I knew he had the best intentions, but I truly wasn’t hungry. Ray shook his head and walked out of the room, probably to go make some food. I knew he wasn’t going to take no for an answer, even if he was discreet about it.
While Ray was in the kitchen I quickly retreated to the bedroom, Ray’s I figured out, to grab my shirt. I sighed and quickly smoothed out the sheets- my attempt to make a bed- and headed back out to the living room where Mikey was sitting. I noticed he was twitching nervously when I sat down next to him. I knocked our knees together in a friendly fashion and felt him relax next to me.
“You know I don’t think you’re lying, right?” he whispered, resting his head on my shoulder.
“I know, Mikey, I know.” I whispered back. I reached and grabbed his hand, stroking the back of his hand with my thumb. It was all so painful, doing this. But I knew Mikey needed some comfort. He was confused, didn’t know what to think.
“He was never like that after.. I could tell he was different, but I thought..” he took a deep breath. “I hoped that if you two did meet again, you would rekindle your relationship. I didn’t expect.. whatever happened. You guys were so happy, what happened?” I wish I could’ve answered his questions. That was one of the biggest questions. What did happen? I had thought my relationship with Gerard had been great and then overnight he dumped me.
“I wish I knew, Mikes. I really do.” We sat there, leaning on each other, until Ray came in to tell us the food was ready. We all sat at Ray’s little round table in his kitchen, eating pancakes in silence. Well Mikey and Ray were eating, I was more picking apart my meal, eating little pieces of fluffy pancakes. The pair sitting across from me kept giving each other looks and I shuffled in my seat, nervous and unsettled.
“What?” I finally asked, scared of what was to happen next. Ray and Mikey shared one last glance at each other. Ray set down his fork, causing a loud clink sound, and sighed.
“Mikey and I were just thinking that maybe..” he paused biting his nail. I stared at him, asking him to continue. “that maybe you should tell us what happened That Day..” I froze. Tension shot up my spine.
“He didn’t tell you?” I choked out. They both shook their head and started apologizing, saying that I didn’t have to, that they shouldn’t have asked. “No,” I sighed. “you should probably know.” And just like that I was going to bring up the most painful memory in my life. I know it sounded dramatic, and maybe it was, but That Day ruined my life. I thought I was going to be with Gerard forever. We had talked about our future together so many times -I was about to move in- but I guess it was all a charade. With a deep breath I asked, “Where should I begin?”
"So," I took a deep breath to start my story. We had cleared the table and sat aaround the table once again. "you guys should probably know that Gerard cheated on me before everything went down." Both of their jaws dropped. Gerard and I decided not to tell anyone after it happened. We had made up and declared it as a drunken mistake. And that's all it was, a mistake.
"One night, Gerard drank a little too much. He had sex with Bert-" My voice chocked. It was so hard for me to even say his name. I cleared throat. "But we decided to put it behind us because it was a mistake, nothing more."
"But, why didn't you tell us?" Mikey asked, clearly dumbfounded.
I shook my head. "It was a mistake. He loved me and we didn't want a mistake to ruin what we had."
"He still loves you,Frank." Ray assured.
"No, not anymore." I gave a weak smile. "Isn't it obvious after all that's happened today?" They both opened their mouth, but shut it when they didn't know what to say. "Yeah, that's what I thought."
a/n: i know this chapter was a lot shorter but i didn't want to start the this memory now, and continue it in the next chapter. i hope to have it up soon. please R&R i din't know if this story is any good so..