Serious stuff happens here!
I knock on Gerard's door, nerves sending my head and heart into awol mode. When i stormed out on them earlier i went to Bob and was met by Georgia and one of her snooty little pals, to cut a long story short they both tried kicking me out but Bob being the best friend ever, let me stay and suggested i fix this- this whatever. And Fast.
"You can't let a good thing go, you've been so much better since you met him." He had said and as much as i hated to damage my pride and admit it, i knew he was right. So right about it all. Hence me standing here in the rain in just a T-shirt, my favourite may i add and my skinny jeans which are clinging to the skin on my thighs in the most uncomfortable and unflattering way feasible. Suddenly the door flies open and there before me is Mikey looking more than a little displeased seeing me on his doorstep hopping about expectantly. Play it cool Frank, Play it cool.
"I-is Gerard there?" I ask, teeth chattering and my hands shaking from the coldness of each huge droplet that pours from the dark skies above me.
Mikey grunts and shrugs before gesturing me inside and pointing up the staircase. "Thanks." I say quickly running upstairs. Well, that exceeded all my expectations from little Way.
Ray and I are styling our hair in the bathroom Mirror, getting ready for our first night out in a long time. We're meeting up with an old friend from elementary school years back. One of my Co Stars in my infamous reindition of Peter Pan, don't make me tell you that story ever again. Please.
All of a sudden a small figure bursts through the door in drenched through clothes and matted hair, panting out an apology between long ragged breaths and making ray scream in terror at his shock appearance. "I.Am.So.Sorry." He breaths putting his hands on his knees and arching his back. " Erm, hey." Ray says awkwardly before clearing his throat and looking between the two of us.
"Oh sorry. Frank, this is my old friend Ray and Ray this is my, m-my boyfriend Frank." I say quickly as Frank straightens his back up and looks at me and Ray all dressed up.
"Oh, you guys are busy, i'll leave." He says solemnly and my heart aches slightly, i'm about to protest before Ray beats me to it and pulls Frank inside and slamming the door shut. "Come with us! We're only going clubbing and meeting up with another old school friend, he'd love to meet you too!" Ray says happily to Frank. I simply smile at Frank granting my full permission. Maybe it will work this time around.
"Pete's just got there." Ray announces fiddling with his mobile. Our cab should have arrived almost an hour ago and all of us are running out of patience."Fuck what is taking them so long?!" Ray snaps, clearly desperate to get to Pete, why i don't even know/ I think he may have a little Pete fetish, but he has a girlfriend so obviously there's not much he can do with that fetish of his.
Before he disappears through the ceiling like a firework, i decide the next best thing. I'll drive us there. "Come on. I'll take the Van, Mikey won't be home until late and My parents are away all weekend." I say grabbing the keys from the fireplace.
We arrive at the club with Ray in tow, bouncing excitedly as Pete strides over to us. "You owe me tweleve rounds of tequila shots!" Ray screams at him earning us all an audience. Ah, that explains his excitement for tonight. Pete also seems pretty cool as he shakes our hands and pats us all on the back, he's attractive too with his midnight hair and smouldering eyes rimmed with charcoal gray. In fact if i wasn't so obssessed by Gerard i may even date him myself, he's extremely attractive but at the same time, he doesn't have a patch on Gee. Talk of the devil, he leans over to me "Hey, everything good?" He asks softly.
"Yeah everything's great." I say smiling back at him. I tiptoe up to kiss his lips and hear a gasp come from behind me. "So the rumours from Toro here are true? Gerard has a boyfriend!" Pete exclaims like one of those gossipy cheerleaders in shitty movies. Gerard rolls his eyes at me and take my hand as the four of us go inside, jumping the queue as the security guard, like Ray, seems to have a Pete fetish.
"Look at them, sriously that's embarassing!" He laughs as we sit in the booth watching the two hammered men try to dance and hit on girls and guys only to be rejected, well in Rays case anyways, plus like i said before, he already has a girlfriend. He just misses her when she goes away to volunteer helping little kids in other countries, that's where she is now actually. Hence why he wanted to come out tonight and why he just hit on a guy that looked creepily like a woman, wait, is that a woman or...? Oh forget it.
"Hey have you seen my friend anywhere?" I ask turning to Frank who's smiling broadly.
"What friend? Those friends?" He asks pointing to the two fools on the dancfloor.
"My friend, he looks a little like you actually just a bit more like this." I say pulling the most moody and sullen faces i can manage, impersonating someone that pretty is hard work though, plus it doesn't work out. Damn you Franks parents.
Frank snorts a little before swigging his beer and turning to me. "This version is going to stay." He smiles and i almost die. "So he's just a friend is he?" He asks, the playful hint of sarcasm present in his thick Jersey accent.
"Boyfriend." Is my simple response before leaning in and pressing my lips to his softly, before the kiss grows more passionate and his tongue begs my lips for permission which i gladly accept. When we pull apart after a few perfect yet all too short moments he quickly says "I'll be right back, just going for a cig." Before pecking me on the lips quickly and leaving me to watch over dumb and dumber impersonating beyonces single ladies dance routine.
Oh, what a night this will be. I smile to myself.
Gerard appears behind me just as i flick the last burning ashes onto the concrete, they fall the way the world trade centre did on that fatal day. The disaster that changed the world and changed lives. It's funny how things can change in a mere matter of moments. How everything can stand tall and proud, perfected and then within the next few minutes it can be broken, beaten and saddening.
"Are you okay? What are you thinking about?" Gerard asks hugging me from behind as i lean into him slowly.
"Just thinking about everything that's happened lately." I reply as the orange glow of the streetlight above flickers like a flame dancing in the breeze. And here and now seems to be perfection, but then i see him...
"That fucker!" Frank growls and is storming towards the opposite side of the street. That jerk i paid off to keep Frank safe. "Frank!" I hiss running after him and turning him around to face me by the shoulders. "You fucking dare go over there, and this is over. We are over." I say sternly, my mouth running away from any coherent thoughts i can piece together. "I can't let him get away with this, for my pride, for my dog." He says angrily, teeth clenching together. "Well if your pride is more important than us, it's done. Forget you ever met me." I say storming away and jumping into the van, to my surprise Frank follows climbing into the passengers seat.
I begin to drive as Frank breaths heavily, his blazing anger radiating off his skin, his hands balled into fists and his eyes bulging with a violent, hot glint burning inside of his pupils. "You don't want this do you Frank? Everything comes before me, even your hate for that evil bastard back there!" I rage as we turn at the traffic lights and head for the rural route into Franks Village. "You don't fucking want me Gee! This is who i am and it won't ever change! And you can;t fucking take it that i am this! This is me!"
"Cut that shit out! You don't even know who you are yourself! All i know is i'm not fucking good enough for you and you don't even fucking love me!" I am furious now, words falling from my too sharpened tongue as my venom hits Frankie right where it hurts most. His heart, his half ice, half golden heart.
"STOP THE FUCKING VAN!" He bellows after a few rage filled silent minutes.
I dash out of the van and put my hands on my head, walking around slowly trying to release my anger and think straight. "You don't do you?" Gerard comes towards me a little bit. His voice now quiet and nervous, as though we're meeting for the first time in a prison cell or in a high school. "What?" I ask exasperated, dropping my arms to my sides.
"You don't love me." He says looking down, both of our eyes filling with bitter stinging tears that threaten to spill.
"I-" I stop myself, i don't know what else i can say to him.
"That was all i wanted to know Frank. I'm going to go now, i wish you the best." He says shakily turning his back to me. "Gee!" I shock myself with the sudden clarity of my voice. He turns back, cheeks stained with his own tears, created at the hands of a worthless man, a lost, pathetic excuse that took something perfect and ripped it apart. Tiny shreds falling to the concrete like confetti. Like the towers falling to the ground. "I don't know what love is!" I cry. "I've never felt it! I've never recieved it! You came along and you've changed it all and i'm scared Gerard. I'm scared you'll leave me alone like everyone else i ever put my faith into, every other unlucky and too good person i managed to break." I'm sobbing now, my chest heaving and my voice changing pitch dramatically.
"I shouldn't have expected your love Frank." He tries to smile but fails, the mask of strength slipping down more with each millisecond.
"Frank, you've got me." I call as he gets in the Van and revs the engine, beginning to drive away. "I love you." I mutter, wishing i could have got the words out that meant so much and were so true just seconds ago.
I watch him in my rear view mirror, i see the shimmering tears, the ruffled dark hair, the regret, the pain and every little piece of his heart cracking. They tell you if you love something you let it go, and i've done just that. But that doesn't make it any easier, infact it makes everything slip into darkness, the love burns on inside but everything surrounding it is plunged into black, fading the way Frankie was in my mirror as i drove further away from him.
I am interrupted from my train of tearjerking thoughts and stabbing pains by Thriving Ivory's "Light Up Mississipi" blaring from my phone, the ringtone Frank set for himself. I reach down to grab it but my hand slips knocking it to the floor. I scramble desperately reaching for it until i feel something hard impact on the bonnet of the Van and the quick spin onto a bumpy surface. Everything seems to be travelling in slow motion now. Pain comes, Blood gushes and lights draw closer, they're blinding me, they're taking me away....
I stand in the darkness, my phone clutched in one hand holding it to my ear, i try to plead with anyone, with everything in me, that he'll pick up, he'll come back and i'll hold him and tell him all i want to say, even if it kills me.
But then the van tumbles over on it's roof, onto the railway track, lights come, bright wide lights like Gerard's perfect eyes and then it comes around quicker like a strike of lightning and the train smashes into the van, crushing my hopes and dreams as the Van tumbles again, downwards into the ditches, everything i've ever wanted and finally see, i needed, trapped there, imprisoned, alone, broken hearted and deserted. And he could leave me forever, and he'll never get to hear my truth, as i run towards the van, praying he'll hang on.