At the hospital.
Dayle and I sit in silence. The noise of beeping machines and hushed voices of hospital staff the only sound that registers. Everything else is insignificant. Nothing else creates that sickening, everly present feeling in my stomach. Donna and Donald are sitting with Gerard, i can't bear to sit in the same room as his broken, wired up form. I almost wish for his sake and his family's sake it had been me. It was me hooked up to a heart rate monitor. It was me who couldn't open his eyes. It was my family waiting anxiously for me to respond to any sound or any medication they were feeding me through a plastic tube. I wished i could swap it all. Every last little thing, no matter how terrible or painful it may be.
"You, it's all your fucking fault!" A tall, skinny figure runs at me and i recognise the figure to belong to Mikey Way. Dayle stands in front of me restraining the youngest brother. "It's not his fault! It was an accident!" Dayle cries.
"I promise you Mikey, i would take it all back. I would get in that van, i would die myself if i could stop any of this." I stand up and force out through the waterfall that is racing down my face. My voice cracking and trembling all the while. Mikey looks at me and shakes his head, before falling to the floor on a fit of sobs and desperate yells for Gerard. None of us can last this, all of us are crumbling by the second. I turn to the door and run, leaving all of it behind me, I have to get to Gerard, i have to get him to come back. Even if it kills me.
Donald and I are standing at his bedside, arms wrapped around eachother as we wait patiently and hopefully. I gently run the back of my hand across my beautiful baby's soft face. He looks so peaceful before the brightly coloured wires that pop out of his skin catch anyone's eyes. He could almost be fast asleep. Just dreaming the hours away. If he saw his sorry state he'd be screaming his little heart out. All of these shiny needles dotted on his pale skin. He's one of the biggest trictophobics out there, i can't help but smile fondly at the description of needles he came up with himself. "Fucking medicated hell of satanists." He called them, of course i scolded him for his swearing right away. He always had a thing with curse words, it was as though he had a magnetic field with them. If he ever swears again when he wakes up, i'll never scold him again. I can't even say how much i would kill to hear him say anything at all right now. Any curse word, any insult, any insignificant babbling. I'd give anything and everything. It could kill all of this painful waiting.
We've been here for nearly four days. Mikey and Donald won't give me their time of the day. Donna can barely look at me. I don't blame them. I know if i had been in their position i'd be doing a whole lot worse. In fact, if i was one of them, i would be dead right now. Easily. Dayle and My Mom are getting worried, the constant visits and pleas from them for me to go home and "sleep", "eat a good meal" and "get a wash". Three of my last worries right now. I don't care if i starve to death in here waiting for him. I don't even care if i die of exhaustion and i definitely don't care if people can't stand or sit next to me because i haven't showered in days. I'll be here constantly, at least until he comes back to us. Comes back to me, because if anything happened and i wasn't here for him, i would never forgive myself....
But i can't already...
Because after all, it was me that did this to him, burned everything we had. And destroyed something irreplaceable on so many levels.
I resume my seat beside him. My first night at home last night since he was brought in here. It was meant to be a break. Ha, some break. A sleepless night, i couldn't keep any food down and all i ended up doing in the shower was breaking down in tears so Donald and Mikey couldn't hear me. Both of them no doubt, were exactly the same. Mikey especially. Donald is there for both of us, trying to keep us all together, hold on for our son but it's no use. We're not a family without Gerard. We're incomplete for now. Nothing but our son will fill this void. This black, aching emptiness.
"Mom!" Mikey cries in disbelief pointing at Gerard.
"Gee!" I jump up, his eyelids fluttering slightly.
His lips begin to shake slightly, and one word comes in a quick raspy crackle.