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This is a rewrite of the American Dad episode "Stan's Best Friend".
What Up Dawg?
Opening Credits Scene:
Roger's Disguise: Mr. Vanderhoff
At the CIA in Langley Falls Virginia, Stan is done with work for the day. As soon as he tries to walk out the door, two policemen stop him.
Stan: What's going on here? Is this about that vicodin I sold in college? Had to find some way to pay my way through.....
Policeman #1: You're under arrest!
Stan: You guys aren't the Shoe Police, are you?
Policeman #2: Just get in the car!
The Policeman handcuff Stan and put a black bag over his head and threw him in the car. Then the police drive Stan and he wants to know what's going on.
Stan: Can you at least tell me what I did?
The police car stopped and grabbed Stan out of the backseat and threw him inside a building. Stan is uncuffed and the bag is off his head. Everything is dark.
Stan: Who the hell kidnapped me? Al Qaeda? What is this all about?
Then the lights all turn on and Stan is in the living room. The policemen reveal themselves to be Hayley and Steve. And Francine, Jeff, and Klaus jump out from behind the couch. A huge birthday cake is there.
Stan (laughs): Just as Chuck White used to say........Every freakin' time!
Francine, Klaus, Jeff, Hayley, and Steve: Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Stanley! Happy Birthday to you!
Just then, Roger jumps out of the cake, dressed as a stripper.
Roger: And many more! Would you like a lap dance?! (hands Stan a present.)
Stan: You guys got me! You guys so got me! You guys did the Clean Slate approach! And no, I don't want a lap dance from some fat ass alien!
Francine (hands Stan a gift): Here's your present!
Hayley (hugs Stan): Happy Birthday Daddy! Even though we have our differences, I still love you.
Stan (pats Hayley on the head): Spoken like a true black sheep child! And I specifically said no presents! This is a recession! We have to save!
Steve: We got you some, anyway!
Stan: Fine! (unwraps Francine's present): Oh, boy! CDs from The Police, Van Halen, and The Cars! The best bands of the 80's!
Jeff: We know how much you love your 80's, Mr. S! And we have an even bigger surprise for you!
Stan: No! I don't want to see it! Whatever it is, send it back! It's probably too expensive!
Jeff and Hayley bring in a cage. And open it and out comes a cocker spaniel puppy.
Hayley: It's a puppy we saved from being euthanized!
Steve: His name is Kisses, isn't he cute!
Stan (gasps): No, no. Take it back! We can't keep it! (runs away crying).
Roger (laughing): It's so hilarious to hear Stan cry! (takes out his cellphone) I'm going to make it my ringtone! Call me, Klaus!
Roger's cellphone rings and it sounds like Stan is crying.
Roger: Do it again!
Klaus: Here is goes again!
Roger's cellphone rings 3x over. Everyone looks at Roger angerly. Then Stan opens Roger's present and it was a DVD of the movie Wagon's East.
Stan: This was John Candy's last movie! (cries)
In Stan and Francine's bedroom, Francine tries to get to the bottom of what Stan was upset about the dog.
Francine: Stan. Why did that dog make you cry?
Stan: It all goes back to when I was a kid......
Flashback sequence shows Stan playing with his dog, and his mother says they had to get rid of it.
Stan: After my Dad left to be a jewel thief, he left behind a dog for me to play with. I named him Ford, after Gerald Ford of course. Then one day, my mother said we were moving, and we had to get rid of the dog, because our apartment doesn't allow dogs. Then later I found out Ford got hit by a car.
Flashback sequence ends.
Stan: And that's why we can't keep Kisses.
Francine: Oh, I get it. You're afraid to love dogs again.
Stan: Exactly. So, please get rid of it. I feel like Julia Stiles in that crappy movie she made about her giving up ballet for hip hop!
Francine: I'll think about it.
The next day, Francine, Steve, Jeff, and Hayley were playing with Kisses. Steve invites Roger and Klaus to join them.
Steve: Roger? Klaus? Want to come and play with Kisses?
Then Steve opens the attic door and it's full of smoke and sees Roger and Klaus watching a Doris Day movie.
Steve: What the hell, man?
Roger (high from the smoke): Don't bother us! Klaus and I are watching Don't Eat The Daisies! Doris Day is sooooooo hot!
Klaus (high from the smoke): Ja! This movie is so boring, but it's so much better to watch when you're high!
Hayley (walks in): Are you guys smoking me and Jeff's weed, again?
Roger: Wanna join us?
Klaus: Don't want to eat the daisies! (laughs)
Hayley (walks out angerly): Losers!
Steve: Fine! Your loss! Kisses is so much fun! Way more fun than you guys!
That night, Stan was in the living room in his pajamas and couldn't sleep. Then Kisses sees him.
Stan: No! No! No! Stay away! I don't like dogs....
Kisses then jumps up on his lap.
Stan: Get off my lap, please....
Kisses places himself on Stan's lap and yawns.
Stan: You have a cute yawn.
After a while, Stan pets Kisses and starts to realize how much he loves dogs again! Kisses sits up and licks his face.
Francine (runs out of her bedroom in her gown): What is it, Stan?
Stan (picks up Kisses): I love dogs, again!
Francine: All right!
Stan: I'm not going to let some childhood truama keep me from loving dogs!
For the next week everytime Stan came home from work, Kisses would greet and and the whole family would play with Kisses.
Song: The Rancounters Steady As She Goes plays.
It shows Stan, Francine, Steve, Hayley, and Jeff play with Kisses. Training him to do his business, playing fetch, and Roger tries to join in on it dressed as Borat.
Roger: Hello, I am a Borat! I-a like-a you! Ni-ice!
Stan: Roger, get your ass out of here!
Francine: We spend enough time with you.
Then Roger comes dressed as Kojak, and then Rockford, and everyone told him to leave. As the week progressed, everyone played and bonded with Kisses. Roger watchs in a distance from the window of his attic in a jealous rage.
Roger: (screams in rage and breaks things)
Klaus: Dude! What is your problem, man?
Roger: Ever since that damn dog came into our lives, it's like we don't exist anymore!
Klaus: I know! I'm the pet of the house! They should be playing with me like that. Instead of always kicking my ass around in mein bowl.....
Roger: I'm guilty of that! (laughs): We have to get rid of that son of a bitch dog once and for all!
Klaus: What do you suggest we do?
Roger: Don't know yet.....for the past week or so, I've had to hear how great Kisses is. How Kisses does this, and Kisses does that! And how Kisses is good at tricks! And how fast Kisses learned to take a beep Everything's always Kisses! (jumps on a soapbox): KISSES! KISSES! KISSES!
Klaus: Sounds to me like you're suffering from Jan Brady syndrome!
Roger: Got it! How about we sell the dog to drug dealers?! I did it to a senator's daughter once!
Klaus: Wunderbar! Then we'll be the center of attention again!
Roger (dials his cellphone): Luckily, I still have them in my contacts! Hello? Drug Dealers......
The next day, Stan comes home from work and notices Kisses is gone.
Stan is frantically looking for Kisses. Going all over the house, calling Kisses, running into the streets, into houses, and even looking down a manhole calling for him. Then, he even goes into a laundromat and jumps into a washing machine.
Stan (blubberling): Kisses! Kisses! Where are you?
Then a musclar laundromat manager comes who talks in a Brooklyn accent.
Manager (pulling out Stan): This laundromat is for paying customers only!
Stan: You don't understand! My dog is missing!
Manager (kicks Stan): Get outta here!
Stan goes home crestfallen, and Roger meets him in the living room.
Roger: What seems to be the trouble?
Stan: I can't find my dog! (sobs)
Roger: Hate to tell you this, Stan, but, Kisses....
Stan: What about Kisses? What happened? Did he get hit by a car like Ford did?
Roger: No, Stan. He ran away. He's never coming back.
Francine: Oh, my Gosh! Kisses ran away?!
Stan: Yes, he did. (sobs) This is why I can never have a dog!
Hayley, Jeff, and Steve show him support.
Steve: This is terrible! You were just beginning to love dogs again!
Stan: I know!
They all cried for Kisses. And Roger looks out the door and gives a thumbs up to some people in a Low Rider. Then he runs up to the attic.
Roger: We did it, Klaus! We did it!
Klaus: You sold Kisses to drug dealers?
Roger: Sure did! Now we'll be the center of attention!
Klaus: All right! (high fives Roger) High Fin!
Roger: Let's celebrate by doing re-worded karaoke songs to one of Stan's "Greatest Hits of the 80's" CDs!
Klaus: Now you're talking! (puts in CD)
Roger (singing into microphone): My name is Luca Brazzi! I am in the Mafia! I got stabbed in the hand.....
Klaus and Roger engage in karaoke singing and dancing, while everyone else is grieving for the loss of Kisses.
Later on in the attic, Roger is dressed as Dr. Penguin.
Stan: Oh, Dr. Penguin. Why is it everytime I have a dog, it always runs away from me or gets killed?
Roger: Well, the best thing you can do is never have any pets ever again. You should forget about dogs altogether.
Stan: I will. You always give good advice. Guess it's time to move on....
Klaus: Yes, I'll be your fun pet from now on.....
Stan (throws Klaus's water bowl): beep You!
Roger sees Stan leave.
Klaus: Even with Kisses gone, I'm still the chew toy of the house.
Roger: Would you like to go to the park? We'll play Where's My Baby's Daddy!
Klaus: That usually does cheer me up...
That afternoon, Steve and his friends were at the park.
Steve: It's good to have you back, Barry.
Barry: I'm so glad to be back from fat camp! There was a serial killer there that was after a fat kid that sounded like me!
Toshi (in Japanese): Too bad that killer didn't get you. He would've done us a huge favor!
Snot: Hey, Steve. Could this be a good place to do our Star Wars reenactment?
Steve (despondent): I guess....
Snot: What's wrong?
Steve: My new dog Kisses ran away. And my Dad was just beginning to love dogs again, then this happens. Sorry if I'm a lame friend....
Snot: That's okay. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
Then suddenly, Steve hears laughing. He sees Roger dressed as a LaWanda from In Living Color, and Klaus is in a stroller dressed as a baby.
Barry: Hey, Steve. Why are you looking at that black girl? Are you in a diverse relationship like Dr. House is?
Steve: No. I think I might've seen her on Teen Mom or something like that...
Roger (laughing): Kisses will never be in our way ever again, Klaus!
Klaus: Ja! Let those drug dealers have them! Who says jealousy is bad?
Roger: Sometimes, you just have to get rid of what you're jealous of!
Steve: I'll be right back.
Just then, Steve runs up to Roger and Klaus.
Steve: Ah Ha! So you're behind Kisses's disappearence, aren't you, Roger?
Roger: I'm not Roger! I'm Lawanda from In Living Color looking for my Baby Daddy!
Steve: I heard you! Even filmed it on Dick Cheney's Blackberry! Good thing I kept this all these years! Because I'm telling Dad what you did to Kisses!
Roger: Do that, and I'll tell Stan you're gay!
Steve: Do that, and I won't play Wheels and the Legman with you, anymore!
Roger and Steve bump heads with each other and Steve runs home.
Stan, Francine, Hayley, and Jeff were all having dinner.
Francine: What did Dr. Penguin say?
Stan: He says I should forget about Kisses and never get another dog again! This is why we can never have dogs!
Jeff: Agree with you, Mr. S. And to think we saved that dog from being euthanized.
Steve runs in.
Stan: Steve? What's going on? You look like you have something important to say...
Francine: Steve says important things?
Steve (angerly): There's something you should know about Kisses!
Francine: What about him?
Stan: He's still alive?
Steve: Alive and well! I was playing with my friends and Roger was at the park messing around with Klaus. And I heard them laugh about how they sold Kisses to drug dealers!
Stan (gasps): Those sons of bitches!
Hayley: Roger and Klaus sold Kisses to drug dealers? Because they were jealous?
Roger and Klaus come home and Stan runs in and beats up Roger.
Stan: You jealous, vicious, goddamn beep son of a bitch, asshole, psychopath!
Roger: You beat up a black girl! You just commited a hate crime!
Stan: You're not black! (punches Roger again)
Roger: Did Steve tell you?
Stan: Told me everything!
Klaus: Am I in trouble, too?
Stan throws Klaus's bowl out the window.
Klaus: Not again!
Stan: I swear to all that is holy, if you don't tell me where Kisses is, I will rip your beep head off!
Roger: Okay, I'll tell you......
Stan: You better! You caused this mess, and now you're going to get us out of it!
Roger: Fine. Remember those drug dealers I sold Cookie to that one time?
Stan: I still remember where the place is.
Steve: Can I come to?
Stan: Sure son! You can help me find him.
So, Stan, Steve, and Roger all go into the SUV to drive to the ghetto and find Kisses.
Stan drives down to the ghetto and finds the hideout of the drug dealers. Roger is still dressed as LaWanda.
Steve (runs inside): I'm going to look for Kisses.
Stan (to Steve): Don't join a Mexican girl gang, again! (To Roger): Are you sure this is where Kisses is?
Roger: Positive, and to think I didn't get high this time trying to remember where the place was. I'm negative about the positive, and I'm positive about the negative! (laughs)
Stan: You black son of a bitch!
Then Stan and Roger knock on the door. A black drug dealer answers.
Drug Dealer #1: What'cho want?
Stan: What have you done to my dog?
Drug Dealer #1 (pushes Stan): I ain't yo dog! Get cho honky ass outta here!
Stan: You don't know who you're dealing with! I am Stan Smith! CIA! And Dog Lover! And I am here to kick your black ass!
Drug Dealer #1: Bring it on, homes!
Stan: Nobody move! (holds gun)
Then Stan and Roger run inside and Roger turns out the lights.
Roger: Everybody freeze! LaWanda's got you covered!
Gun shots are heard and no one was shot. And everyone had matches to light their way.
Drug Dealer #2: My coffee maker, be careful! (gets punched)
Drug Dealer #1: Where's that honky ass! (gets a chair thrown on him)
Stan: Roger! Steve! Where are you? (trips and slips)
Roger (sing-song voice): Here I am, Stan! (bumps into Drug Dealer) WOAH!
Drug Dealer #2: Shoot them! (gets punched)
The lights turn on and the Drug Dealers were punching each other and Steve runs into the room with Kisses. Then Stan takes the black Drug Dealer and punches him into a jukebox. Then the jukebox plays LMFAO's I'm Sexy And I Know It. Then Steve enters holds Kisses in his arms and he is shaking.
Roger: Wow! I love this song! (dances) Wiggle! Wiggle! Wiggle! Wiggle! Wiggle!
Stan (slaps Roger): Stop that!
Roger: I helped you find your stupid dog and this is how you repay me?
Steve (sadly): I found Kisses, Dad.
Stan, Roger, and Steve walk out of the Drug Dealers hideout.
Roger: Is he dead?
Stan: Like you care, What happened?
Steve: He's become a drug addict! He's worse than Charlie Sheen! (sobs)
Kisses was freebasing and snorting up cocaine.
Stan: Damn Drug Dealers! And damn you, Roger! I'll never forgive you and Klaus for what you did!
Steve: Is there any way we can help him?
Stan: Yes, there is. Kisses will have to go to rehab. Luckily, Dr. Drew has a clinic here in Langley Falls...
Kisses (woofs): Woof! Winning!
Steve: Oh, and Dad?
Stan: Yes, Steve?
Steve: Can you not tell Mom I went down to the ghetto with you?
Stan: Your secret's safe with me. We both know how overprotective Francine is with you.
Roger: I'll get revenge on you Steve and tell......
Stan (punches Roger): Shut the beep up, Dog Hater!
Scene 9 Conclusion:
Thirty days later, at the Dr. Drew Drug Rehab Clinic, Kisses was cured of his addiction. Stan, Francine, Hayley, Jeff, Roger, and Steve were at the scene.
Counsler: Here's your dog. He's thirty days sober. (walks back inside)
Stan (takes Kisses): Thank you!
Jeff: Good to have him back!
Francine: But we can't keep him!
Stan: Exactly! As long as Roger and Klaus are around, this family will never have a pet again.
Hayley: Where is he going to go?
Roger: Yes, where is he going to live?
Stan (kicks Roger): I'm going to hate you until the day I die!
Roger (in pain): Mountain climbing sounds great!
Then Kisses jumps out of Stan's arms and runs away. Everyone follows him. And Kisses runs to Buckle and Shari's house. Shari finds him.
Shari: Hello there, little kosher ball! (picks up Kisses) Hey, Buckle! Look what I found! (runs to Buckle)
Buckle: A dog? Sure, we can keep him.
Shari: This little guy is getting the celebrity treatment!
Buckle (takes Kisses): Oh, no he's not! He's going to be my hunting partner!
Shari: You crazy? He can get mauled to death by bears!
Buckle: He's going to be my hunting partner.....
Shari: He's going to be my baby......
Buckle and Shari get into a heated arguement about what to do with Kisses. Stan, Francine, Steve, Hayley, and Jeff couldn't be more pleased as they now know that Kisses will live with Buckle and Shari from now on.
Steve: Alls well that ends well.
Stan: I think Kisses has finally found a new home!
Roger: Yes, away from us!
Francine (sobbing): I love a happy ending!