"Frankie! Frankie!" Screamed Donna running towards me, my weary blood shot eyes snapping open at the sight of the bedragled blonde woman who was frantically wiping fresh tears from her face and was smiling widely. "He's awake! He just woke up! He wants you!" She was jumping for joy as I breathed a sigh of relief and ran. He was awake.Everything was going to be okay. This time for real.
"He's asleep." Mikey snarls as i repeat again that i'm staying at his bedside.
"Mikey, he asked for Frankie before. He wants him here when he comes around again, he is his boyfriend." Donna hisses as Mikey flops down in a chair and returns to giving me intimadating death glares and not so discreetly plotting his revenge. I hope he gets it. I hope he gets to watch me scream in pain as blood pours from me, as every bone twists and snaps until i'm so broken any chance of ever breathing again slips right through my fingers. The way Gerard almost did.
"Hey." Dayle cautiously steps inside carrying four cups of black coffee. I glanced at Gerard lifeless body again. My eyes burning even more than the mere seconds ago from when i had last looked at him straight in the face. Black coffee. His favourite. Black. It's all black, every last fragment of life left inside me.
"Gee, Gee. Look who's come to see you." I smile down at my drained son who's eyes wander carelessly and without control around the antiseptic dowsed, too white room. He looked scared, panicked and then the eyes that mirrored his fathers so perfectly rested upon Frank's face. A wave of something new flashed across his face. I couldn't quite place what it was. Relief almost. Happiness, joy, excitement. He looked almost the way he used to on Christmas Morning, or the day he came to the hospital after Mikey was born, his face lit up at the sight of the tiny bundle in my arms back then. Now, he was looking at the boy he had fallen for. Hook, Line and Sinker.
"I'll leave you boys alone." I said smiling softly at Frankie, reassuring him it was okay, and i grabbed my coat and bag and ran from the room. Hiding behind a corner to see exactly what was going to happen. Was Frank really going to be there for him now he had come back to us? Or was he going to flake out and leave him in this mess alone? Like so many had done before.
Mom left the room. And suddenly my delight was gone and replaced by a stabbing fear that was overtaking my clouded mess of a mind. This was it. He was going to leave me. Think i'd fallen back into my old ways ten times harder, falling into a pit of despair so harsh that this time i didn't want to stand a chance of surviving. It was all an accident though. Like he'd believe me and now he was going to leave for good.
"Hey Gee." He says quietly sitting down and reluctantly taking my hand in his.
"Just spit it out Frank. Kick me while i'm down." My voice cracks but comes out stronger than i expected, my raw emotion burning in the back of my dry throat.
"I'm sorry Gerard. It's all my fault. And i'm so so sorry." He cries, gently kissing each of my knuckles as he shakes like a flame dancing in the icy wind of December.