Everything’s distant and I don’t know what to believe
It’s so hard, lost in the world, confused
And I need to leave for a while
Life is so meaningless; there is nothing worth a smile
So goodbye I’ll miss you
The cold porcelain is soothing on my face as I sit there, recuperating from yet another rough night of drinking and drugs. I had downed just a little too much vodka, and as a result I’ve spent the night in the bathroom, keeping my regurgitation of the alcohol as quiet as I possibly can. This is so my older brother, Bob, doesn't wake up and find me in this position again. I’ve been out drinking too much and this has occurred way too many times in the past month. I don't want to scare my brother any more than I already have. I’m pathetic.
I wipe my mouth off with my hand then run it down my pants, groaning.
"Fuck, I really need to stop this," I whisper to myself, attempting to get back on my feet. As I rise, I loose my balance, trip over the towel I neglected to hang up this morning and collide, head first, into the bathroom door, causing a loud bang to emit down the hall.
"Shit!" I hiss, running my hand through my long, bright red hair. That will most definitely wake my brother up.
I collect myself, and slowly make my way through the dark, down the hallway to my bedroom. I flick on the light, blinding myself for a few seconds. I blink, adjusted my eyes to the light change, and somehow manage to get my bearings. I look around; there is artwork all over the walls; my own artwork full of realistic people, vampires, and this boy I’ve been dreaming of lately. I flip off the light…it hurts too much.
I stumble across the room and shove my markers and paper off my bed before face planting, praying my brother doesn't come check up on me…too late. There is a knock on the door.
"Fuck." I mumble into my pillow, flipping myself around, frustrated, "What?!"
The door opens, and in walks my older brother. Bob looks just as big and bear like in the shadows as he does in the light.
"What Bob?" I question, sitting up in bed, annoyed for no reason.
"Nothing..." answers Bob quietly, his eyes set on my face.”You went out again, didn't you?"
I groan, and throw my arms up in the air. He always has to know…always, no matter what. Sometimes I wish he didn’t care so much.
"Yes, Bob, I went out. I met up with some friends…we got drunk together. What of it?"
Why am I so angry? Bob did absolutely nothing to me…he never has. Yet I’ve got to go and blow up in his face. The alcohol and drugs must be the reason for this. I’m far more drunk that I’ve ever been before add that to drugs and it’s enough to make anyone edgy. Bob is silent. I flop sideways on the bed, my head resting on my pillow, glazed over eyes set on his face.
"Bob...look, I'm sorry I'm acting like this, okay?"
He looks at me, shaking his head, “I’m just disappointed little sis…disappointed in your actions, Amber.”
I continue on as if he hasn’t said anything, "Bro, look, things have been...shitty lately, you know? I need to escape from it all somehow. Getting drunk, that's how I get away. It’s just to clear my head. You know what I mean?"
Bob saying nothing this time, just staring at me with a hurt look in his eyes; I frown. I know my behavior worries him, forces him to stay up at night, waiting for me to come home. I hate myself for it.
Suddenly I start to cry, full out wailing, “Bob...I'm scared, about myself...about everything. I'm just...terrified."
Like the protective brother Bob is he hurries over to my bed, holding me as tightly as possible to his rock hard body. He’s like an animal…tough on the outside and extremely kind and compassionate on the inside.
This is all my fault; everything bad that’s been going on is my own fault. Bob shouldn’t have to go through this with me every night. I shouldn’t cause all these problems.
I hang onto him for what seems like hours, though in my wasted state I don’t have a proper perception of time. Suddenly, Bob moves his arms under me and I feel the earth disappear from under me and the soft sheet reappear seconds later, covering my body. He’s going to leave me. As much as I know I should let him go and get sleep I just can’t…I’m selfish.
"Bob, stay, don’t go,” I beg, my hand reaching out to grab him.
He sighs but crawls onto the end of my bed, his back up against the wall, “Get some sleep sweet sister. Tomorrow is school and I need you to be semi sober.”
"Fuck school," I reply weakly, not because I’m tired but because I’m so out of it.
"I know, Amber, I know but you’ve got the cheerleaders…" Bob trains off. "I'm here for you, forever and always, no matter how drunk you get. I love you, Amber."
"I love you too Bob,” I answer back.
For about two hours I sit up, waiting for Bob to fall completely asleep. I don’t sleep well, never have and never will probably. I have terrible dreams. The only good one is of the boy and even that frustrates me. I refuse to close my eyes…tonight is no different.
I quietly get up and walk over to my desk, beginning to draw the silhouette of the boy who haunts my only pleasant dream. I wish I knew who he is or if he is really alive slumped up against some locker somewhere waiting for me to rescue him.
“Crazy think,” I mumble, knowing it’s true. Dreams, especially good ones never seem to actually come true, not for me anyway.
Around three in the morning I stumble back over to my bed, head a little less foggy…this is a good sign. Crawling under the covers I stare up at my ceiling for what feels like forever. I want to see that face, the face of the boy in the hall who needs my help but I’m unable to.
"Fuck school," I whisper to myself.
I force my eyes closed, seeing visions of the cheerleaders I happened to be on the same squad as. I hate the way I’m required to act around them. I wish I was able to just be my normal, depressed self. If I showed them that I’d be kicked off for sure. They already hate me for dying my blonde hair a bright red color. Ha, fuck them.
I manage to fall asleep thinking of cheerleaders falling from pyramids into pits of lime green acid.
Author's Note: There you are, the very first chapter...again. I think I'm gonna put some song lyrics that kind of go with the chapter before the actual writing. Let me know what you think.