Trying to vent my feelings. I've been more honest in this then I ever have been to any of my friends and family. I'm sorry if it makes no sense, I just needed to do this.
Can I just try to express to you how I feel. Everyday, I wake up in the morning, feeling like a lead weight has been placed inside my soul, trying to force my body back down onto the bed and dragging my soul with it. But each day, I still fight it, at least I try, but day after day after day of fighting against such a malicious, unforgiving, relentless force, it wears you down. It's worn me down, so much so, I can't even remember what it feels like to have even an inch of your body actually want to get out bed in the morning, or even still want to be out of bed and 2pm, because all I think about all day is falling back into an unperturbed slumber because, even if just for a little while, I can be at peace. I don't have to be fighting this constant war between my dreams and my reality. So many people dream of big things, being a famous singer or a rocket scientist, whereas I want one, little thing; to be okay again. To still have that untarnished spark of childish innocence all my friends possess but I've long since lost. My reality? My reality is that I can sit in my first lesson at school, depressed, not talking to anyone, not able to concentrate, just sitting there, vacant. Tired, empty, fed up. But in lesson two, I'll be tapping my foot relentlessly against the floor, I'll be laughing at every little thing, making weird noises because I can't keep my mouth shut, I have to be constantly doing, talking, moving, thinking, my thoughts racing and my body fidgeting. Then, third lesson, I'll be crying. Well, wanting to. I'll hold it in because I don't want my friends to see, don't want to annoy the teacher. I'll let out the occasional silent sob, but wait until I get home, when I'm so overcome by emotions - anger, depression, sadness, elation, confusion, frustration, tearfulness, happiness - that there's no way for me to let it out other than pacing back and forth, running my hands through my hair, or crying non-stop for two and a half hours, or smashing my own door off it's hinges, or just sitting there, staring at the wall and refusing to let myself feel, or, I dunno, cutting my own flesh with a razor blade. I am so lost, so alone, so confused, so scared. Scared I'm insane, scared I'm going to fail my exams, scared of hurting my friends and family, scared of letting everyone down, scared of letting everything out. I sit in my room, crying, and pretend I'm talking to people, my mum or my friends, and I just sit their and whisper everything I wish I could really say to them because I know I could never actually say it to their faces, because I'm a coward. All my friends are worried about is whether the boy they like fancies them back or what they're doing at the weekend or whether their hair looks okay, all I'm worried about is trying not to lose it again, hoping today might be the day things change, passing my exams whilst feeling so helpless, just getting through the day without crying or screaming. Thats why I pretend so much. Thats why I sit in my room for hours pretending to be someone else, pretending to talk to all the famous people I love just so I can pretend for once that someone understands, that I'm not so alone.
I just want to be okay. Is that really too much to ask?