Gerard has one last change to let Frank know how he feels, even if Frank has been dead for 30 years.This kind of links into You're Not Gone (Kids From Yesterday).
I wrote you this letter because I’ve been thinking about you a lot recently. You keep appearing in my dreams. I guess it just goes to show how much I miss you. It’s been 30 years since you died and I still feel as if it is my fault that you got hit by that taxi. Saying I miss you would be an understatement. I miss you so much that it hurts my heart. I would give absolutely anything to see your beautiful green eyes and hold you in my arms again. Ever since you died I haven’t felt like myself. A huge part of me died with you Frankie, but I’d rather you had it than me. I want to know if you still think about me as much as I have been thinking about you. I want to know if you still feel the same way about me now as you did back then. I know I do.
I keep the letter you wrote me and the picture of us playing soccer together in my wallet. It’s a little piece of you that I know will never disappear. I know you won’t completely disappear. How could you? You’re buried deep inside my heart and you’ll stay there until we meet again. We will meet again Frank. When I die, you’ll be there to greet me and I will be with you again. But until then, I will just think about that upcoming day.
Since you passed away, a lot has changed. I am now married to the most beautiful lady. Her name is Lindsey and she means the world to me. Frank, if you met her I know you’d get along so well! She reminds me of you a bit too, her personality is quiet and sweet just like yours. I met her in art school and we clicked instantly. She plays guitar and the bass guitar and loves all the same music as we did. Sometimes I lie in bed and think about what you would have said in your speech at our wedding. Lindsey doesn’t know much about you, Frank. The words to describe you just don’t come out of my mouth and I would end up crying again. I cry when I think about you a lot. In fact, I’m crying while I write this letter to you.
My daughter is called Bandit, she’s sixteen this year and she’s grown up so fast! You would have loved her. She’s always happy and smiling and she keeps me grounded. If I get too caught up in the thoughts about you she will find me and play me a song on her guitar. The guitar that once belonged to you- your dad gave it to me. One time I broke down when Lindsey wasn’t home and I told her all about you. I told her about how much I loved you and how much I still do. How could I ever stop loving you? She said that you sounded like an amazing friend and that you would have wanted me to be happy. She understands. I’m lucky to have such an amazing daughter and the next few weeks are going to be hard for her.
Do you remember that time we went down to the river and we got completely soaked? It was absolutely freezing! I remember how I slipped and fell into the water and I was drenched. I usually hate water but for some reason, nothing else mattered other than the fact I was with you. As we walked back to your house I remember how beautiful the forest looked. The sun shone down through the trees and everything was vibrant and colourful. That was the moment I realise I loved you but I didn’t want to show it. I chose to keep the feelings to myself because I was scared about what you might have thought. I told myself that I didn’t love you. I told myself that you would never feel the same way about me. I was stupid to be so ignorant.
At your funeral I was a wreck. Your family was there and I couldn’t look any of them in the eye when they spoke to me because I felt like your death was my entire fault, your mom’s death too. I sat at the front as they lowered your coffin deep into the ground. I placed a bunch of flowers, red roses, on your grave too. Your dad insisted on me reading a poem so I found one that reminded me of you. Here it is, I still remember it off my heart:
Void, empty, hollow inside,
My dreams have fled, my hopes have died.
Existence has no reason,
Life's just passing with each season.
He was my life, my hope, my love,
All is gone, passed by thereof.
The hurt is such no one should bear,
What's to life, why should I care?
I weep all night for my love gone,
My heart is sick, for death I long.
My eyes well tears for love that's lost,
I'll mourn always for the great cost.
But in each day Lord give me hope ,
Strengthen me so I may cope.
Grant me wisdom to help me see,
Thy great way and not just me.
Something about that poem made me think of you when I found it. It made me think of everything I was feeling when it sunk in that you were dead. It was one of the worst feelings when I saw the paramedics give up on your little heart. When they zipped your broken body into the body bag I wanted to scream. I wanted to disappear. I wanted my life to end right there, right then. Your friend, Tony, had to hold me back as I shouted at the paramedics to fix the unfixable. Nothing I could do was enough to save you, was it? Tony is a great guy. He helped me cope with you loss by talking to me about you. I guess I needed to talk to someone about everything.
Last night I had a dream that I bumped into you in LA. I was walking down the street with Bandit on the way to buy her a new guitar and we bumped into you in the high street. You didn’t recognise me and no matter how many times I explained the first time we met you just wouldn’t believe me. I told you about how we danced to Not Now by Blink-182 and I told you about how we had slept outside in the rain that night. You refused to believe me when I told him how I was there when you found out your mom had been killed, too. You weren’t angry with me, just confused. Then this pretty lady named Jamia came and took your arm. I noticed that, standing behind her, were three beautiful children. Two identical twin girls with your emerald eyes and raven hair and a younger looking boy who had the ladies chocolate brown eyes but had your hair in the exact some style as you had when you were that age.
Your wife got angry and made you and the children walk on, by this time I had tears streaming down my face. I told Bandit to head on inside the guitar shop so I could have a cigarette and I finally realised how alone and empty I felt. I sat down on the dirty pavement and I didn’t look up when somebody sat beside me. I didn’t look up until they spoke in that perfect voice and I knew it was you. You took a drag from my cigarette and said “I do remember you, Gerard. I never forgot you. My family do not know who you are and I didn’t want to upset my wife when I told her how much I loved you. I promise that when I get home, I’ll sit them down and tell them everything about the time we spent together.” I looked up and saw how sincere you were. “I love you Gerard. See you soon.” you whispered into my ear. Then you were gone.
The dream made me realise that I never actually got a chance to explain everything to you. I never got to show much I truly loved you because back then, I was in denial about how I felt. I held you in my arms as you died but I never got to say what I felt. I told you I loved you but that wasn’t enough. And then, just like in my dream, you were gone and I never saw you again. You ruined my life Frank Iero! You filled my brain with thoughts of you and you stole my heart and replaced it with yours. I know that sounds cheesy but it’s true and I wouldn’t change any of it for the world.
Why can’t anything in life just be easy? Why doesn’t everything have to be so fucking painful? I guess I have always been lost without you.
I guess I am writing this because I need you to know I haven’t stopped caring. I watched you die, it was a living nightmare. The felt I was numb for weeks after because I had lost a part of me and that tore me apart even more. I’m not lying when I say this: I love you Frank. I love you more than I ever could have explained. Everything about you is perfect. I need you to come back and tell me I’m not going insane because ever since I lost you I was never the same.
Please Frank. Come back and make everything okay again. Do you know how much it hurts to breathe without you? My chest aches and my heart strings. The truth is, I’ve never loved anyone as much as I loved you. Why can’t you just come back? Why can’t I just wake up and this to have all been a fucking terrifying nightmare? I’m so scared. I’m right here waiting to see your beautiful face again, never forgot that okay?
The only thing stopping me from doing the unthinkable and ending my life is the upcoming weeks and the same thoughts I had when I held that letter you wrote to me in my hand down by the river: You’re safe now, you’re safe with your mom and you’re happy. Happy without the pain in your life that you had before, happy without the anxiety of living and the feelings you had for me. You are where you really wanted to be and you had tried to get there before. You’re up there, safe, in the sky and you don’t need to worry about a thing.
Now here is the real reason I am writing you this letter. I will be with you again soon. In fact the doctors say I have only month or two left of this life. I’m sick. I’m dying. They say that any day could be my last if the medication doesn’t work. The medication won’t fix me, this illness is terminal, but it will make my passing a little less painful. My head hurts with every thought and I can no longer move my body or have the strength to pick up your old guitar. Wait for me Frank. I’ll be with you soon enough. Honestly, I’ve never been so scared in my life. I will have to let go of everything I have and everyone I love. Does it hurt when you die? Do you remember your past life? Bandit keeps telling me that you’ll be there for me and you’ll show me what it’s like up there. She knows me better than I do. I haven’t told anyone that I’m scared but she just knew. She knows that I will be happy and out of pain when I’m gone. And she knows that I’ll be okay because I’ll have you. I’m so proud of her. She’s my brave little girl. Funny, isn’t it?
How your life can change so quickly in a day or two? I’ve learnt that a few times now. I guess life just isn’t fair. You lose what you love and gain what you never wanted to have.
I saw how much pain you were in when your mom died. I even told Bandit about that day. She promised me that she would be by my side until the day I have to let go. I never knew how strong one girl could be! She’s only a teenager like you were when you lost your mom. No one deserves to lose some one that young. Every day my brave little girl sits by my hospital bed and plays me Not Now by Blink-182 on your old guitar. She said that when I’m gone she will play it at my funeral and she’ll read the same poem I read for you. I don’t think she had realised how hard the next few months of her life are going to be. I told her to stay strong because that’s all you can do, right? That’s all I could do when I lost you of course.
I have always wondered how you die. My theory is that death comes to you in a way that makes you feel comfortable. Like a memory or a person comes to take you away into nonexistence. If my theory is true I want you to be the one that comes to take me away from my life. I told Bandit this idea and she thinks it’s an amazing theory. She drew me a picture of me lying in my hospital bed and you holding out your hand to me. I showed her some photos of you and she drew you perfectly. She says it makes her feel less scared about death. She told me I was more than just a man and that I was a hero. She said she admires you too, for being such an amazing person in my life. She said that she was glad that you made me happy.
I wrote you this letter because I didn’t know how else to tell you everything before I die. I don’t know what I’m going to do with this letter once I’ve finished writing it. I know you’ll never read it because you’re dead. Maybe I’ll burn it. Maybe I’ll post it to your old address. Maybe I’ll put it on your grave or not do anything with it at all. Maybe I’ll have it buried with me. I wish that, somehow, some way you would just read this and know everything I need to tell you.
You’re not gone. Frank Iero, you never left me.
I love you, and I’ll be with you soon.
P.S I’m scared.
Please stay until I'm gone,
I'm here hold on to me,
I'm right here waiting.
And take my one last breath,
And don't forget,
That I will be right here, waiting.
-Not Now, Blink-182