I can’t fucking breath.
Where the hell did the air go?
Straight out the door with Hayley.
She wasn’t coming back. I wasn’t an idiot. I knew she wasn’t coming back. Why couldn’t I just give her what she wanted?
Because you run the risk of hurting her again...
The worst arguments were the ones you had with yourself because well, who knew you better than... you?
When I fought with myself I had no way of winning. It didn’t matter though. I wasn’t a winner anymore. I was just a piece of trash that Hayley had kicked to the curb.
I couldn’t really blame her.
I was the cause of her pain.
I hurt her.
So she hurt me.
I deserved the pain.
That didn’t make it hurt any less though.
“Fuck!” My foot came in to contact with the entertainment system I’d set up in the living room. I kicked it again, and again... and again.
Then I slammed my fist in to the closet door, causing a noticeable dent. My hands flew out, throwing everything off of the counters.
Games and other meaningless items flew everywhere, littering the floor.
I still wasn’t done.
It wasn’t enough.
It wouldn’t be enough until she came back.
I needed Hayley.
“Holy shit, what happened?” Mikey entered the apartment first, a look of horror crossing his face. “Frank? Hayley? Oh god, do you think he hurt her again?”
I shook my head. He wouldn’t do that, would he? Surely not so soon.
Mikey walked around the couch and gasped, “Gerard! He’s bleeding!”
I rushed to Mikey’s side to see Frank passed out, blood covering his shirt. “He’s ripped his stitches.” I muttered, having a pretty good idea of what had happened while we were gone. I only had pieces though and only Hayley could really piece them together.
Together Mikey and I moved Frank to Mikey’s car.
Mikey stared at me, “Aren’t you coming with?”
“I have something to do. Just take care of him.”
Hayley, where are you?
The air was cold and my skin had long ago turned numb from the wind. The hurt look on Frank’s face was haunting me and with each step I took I felt worse. I thought I could walk away from him.
I thought I’d feel nothing.
At first I felt nothing.
Nothing soon became something however and now I was stuck with the realization that despite Frank not being himself... I still loved him; there was no escaping that. I couldn’t just walk away. I couldn’t forget him. I’d never be able to wipe the good or the bad memories away.
Was it supposed to be like this? Would life never make sense again? My fingers clumsily closed around my phone as it began ringing, “Hello?”
“What’s wrong?” It was Alex!
“Alex!” I screamed his name in excitement, “Where are you?” I demanded.
Alex laughed, “I take you it you missed me?”
“Well, no shit.” I shot back, frustrated. “How could you just disappear like that?”
“I thought that’s what would be best.” Alex admitted, “I still do... I just had to check on you.”
“When things get hard why do we always run away?” I just needed to know. Why did it always seem to be ‘the thing to do’ in chaotic situations? I wanted another option. I didn’t want to run. I’d never wanted to run. Yet here I was... running again.
“Sometimes it’s the right thing to do.” Alex said. “I couldn’t stomach seeing you and Frank together. The best thing for me was to not be near either of you because... I don’t trust myself in that situation.”
“I don’t think Frank and I are together.”
“But you will be.” Alex informed me, sounding as if he knew more about my life than I did.
Was I really that clueless?
“Why?” The word came out choked, displaying all of my insecurities about our relationship. “Why would Frank and I ever be together, when all we cause each other is pain?”
Alex sighed heavily, “I’m going to hate myself for even having this conversation but... Do you really think that all relationships are sunshine and happiness Hayley?”
“Well, no.” But they definitely weren’t all as dark as ours was.
“You’re acting like it.” I heard someone say something to Alex but then he continued with our conversation, “Not everything requires running or hiding. Sometimes you just have to face your own life and take control. Sometimes you have to admit to yourself that things won’t always be the same as they were.”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do without you.”
“You’ll survive.” I could hear the smile in Alex’s voice. “You’re a lot stronger than you think. I have to go though. I’ll call you when I get my hands on another phone. I’m sorry that it has to be like this. This is the best way for me, not for you.”
“Bye Alex.” I couldn’t take anymore of his intellectual sense making. I just needed to sit and not think for a few minutes.
“So, what made you do it?” Gerard’s calm voice startled me.
“How long have you been... around?” I asked, feeling stupid.
“I’ve been following you since before the phone call.” Gerard responded. “You really should be more aware of your surrounds.”
“Here to lecture me?”
“Actually I thought we could talk.” Gerard sat down on the edge of the sidewalk, waiting for me to do the same.
I sat beside him, still thinking over Alex’s words. When I would I get a break from all of this thinking? When would my love life stop being such a struggle?
I had become that girl that just couldn’t make up her mind. The only difference is each time I changed my mind I didn’t change it about something stupid like clothing; I changed it about Frank and he ended up hurt in some way.
“Are you going to answer my question?” Gerard finally asked.
“Can you repeat it?” I had already forgotten whatever it was that he’d asked.
“What made you finally leave Frank?” Gerard asked.
“It’s just- it’s not working out.”
“It wasn’t as easy as you thought it would be, was it?” Gerard stared at me, his tone showing no emotion. “Mikey and I warned you. We told you he wouldn’t be the same but you didn’t believe us, did you?”
“I guess not.”
“So, you don’t love him anymore?”
“He’s at the hospital.”
“What?” I felt a small flutter in my chest as the panic grew, thoughts of why Frank would be in the hospital immediately flying through my head. “What happened?”
“You happened.” Gerard said, “Or that’s what I’m guessing. He ripped his stitches and the entire apartment is fucked up. I’m guessing you left him and he couldn’t handle that.”
“I just wanted some air.”
“You don’t have to lie about it.” Gerard snapped. “Just tell the truth, do you want to be with him or not?”
“I don’t know.” Why did everyone keep acting like I should know? It wasn’t that easy. “I don’t know what I want. Everything is different now. Frank is different and...”
“And you’re different.” Gerard said, sounding bored. “That’s called growing up Hayley. Did you not expect it to happen or something?”
I laughed; the sound was so foreign.
Gerard laughed with me.
But the situation was far from funny.
Time to try this again...
My hand was on the doorknob to the apartment I was sharing with Mikey but I didn’t want to go in, not yet. “Do you think she’ll ever come back?” I asked, knowing Mikey was right behind me.
“I think she loves you.” That didn’t answer my question.
I pushed the door open, awkwardly walking inside. It was clean. Where had the mess gone? “Did you clean up before taking me to the hospital?” I asked, confused.
Mikey snorted, “I haven’t cleaned since I moved in.” Well, that was completely truthful.
A strong smell wafted through the living room, causing Mikey and I to both look towards the kitchen. “Maybe Gerard did it.” Mikey said, practically drooling at the idea of eating whatever smelled so good.
I nodded, “Yeah, well I’ll pass. I’m just going to head to bed I think.”
Mikey headed towards the kitchen, determined to get some food.
I opened the door to my bedroom, too surprised to speak.
Hayley spoke up instead, “I was hoping that maybe you would forgive my immature blow up if I cooked dinner.”
Finally the voice I needed in order to speak returned, “Am I supposed to be mad right now? I just, I’m not sure how you want me to feel and if I don’t feel how you want me to feel... Are you just going to leave again?” I couldn’t keep playing that game.
“I can’t tell you how to feel.”
“You tried to earlier.”
“I was wrong.” Hayley bit her lip, standing up. “Even I can be wrong.” She added, in a teasing tone. “Can I come back?”
I swallowed hard, losing my balance slightly. “You’re always welcome here.”
I hoped to see her smile like that every day.
(A/N: So, as pointed out I’m updating this and all of my other stories at a fairly slow pace. I’m a bit busy with work and getting paperwork for school completed again so it’s hard to get the time to write. So with that said I might be ending this right here. I originally planned to have a little more about recovery on both sides but it’s not worth making people wait around for slow updates. Thank you to everyone who has read along!)