Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Speechless
The Blame
Brendon's POV
“Brendon! Thank fuck you’re here!”
Before I can even register who it is grabbing the front of my Green Day t-shirt, the one that I’m wearing because I know that it’s Mikey’s favourite one to snuggle into, I’m yanked through the threshold of the Way family home. It’s a place that feels bittersweet to me at the moment, kind of like some sort of purgatory that can’t decide whether it wants to welcome me in or not. On the one hand it’s a place brimming with the greatest memories my mind carries, like when I came over for Christmas Eve and I made cookies with Mikes or the time when I found out that Mikey’s actually an amazing kisser when under the right kind of guidance, especially when sprawled out on his bedroom floor.
On the other hand it’s a place that I’m only here for because I fucked up.
No. I did worse than fuck up; I ruined everything. The look in Mikey’s eyes when he saw me with my hands down Ryan’s pants and Ry actually being cruel enough to tease him about it is something that I’m certain will haunt me for a very long time. Because that’s the moment that I managed to break Mikey Way; the boy with enough strength to survive sixteen years of constant torment and it was my selfish stupidity that broke him.
And for that I truly despise myself. I despise myself more than I despise God for making my Mikey mute, more than Ryan for enticing me in and even more than all of the bullies for continuously insisting on hurting my baby. I’m worse than every evil in this world as far as I’m concerned because I’m Mikey Way’s boyfriend; the one person that he truly trusts and can open up to. I was the one person capable of getting through to him when no-one else could and now I’ve wrecked that.
Made him run. Run from Pete of all people, the guy who’s like a father to Mikes. He’s usually the one who can keep Mikey calm and make him feel safe; never have I known my Mikey to flinch away from Pete like I’ve seen him do everyone else, even Gee, at least once.
All because of me. All because I was horny, Ryan was sad and I let myself be an easy target for a boy I don’t even have proper feelings for. I know that now; Ry might be a ridiculously stunning kisser, but a good kiss is nothing without real love behind it. And I didn’t feel real love back in the restroom, just mindless lust. The kind of lust that means so much more when it’s Mikey creating it because it’s love and lust, two things that I have only ever felt in unison for Mikes.
But now I’ve fucked that all up and he’s out there on his own, in the dark without anyone to protect him.
Hell, he could be dead by.
If he is, then I will be too. I can make sure of that. Why? He smiles, I smile. He laughs, I laugh. He snuggles, I snuggle. He cries, I cry. He hurts, I hurt.
He dies, I die; it only makes sense. Sense and justice. Because that’s how bad I’ve been to him, to the most perfect little boyfriend scum like me could ever hope for.
“Bren, snap out of it! Mikey needs you!”
I blink a few times at the sharp but not unkind call, accompanied by fingers clicking in front of my dazed eyes, to make out the face of the one person I sincerely hoped I’d never have to lay eyes on again; Ryan fucking Ross is stood in the Ways’ living room, tears staining his face as he tries to put on the tough expression that he always does when he knows he’s in the wrong.
Apart from he’s not. I am. I’m the one who abandoned him, he just got lonely. I’m the one who just cheated on his boyfriend; he just kissed a guy without having anyone to hold him back.
Hang on.
What the fuck is Ry doing here? Here being the home of the perfectly innocent and innocently perfect boy that he just played a major role in destroying?
After Mikey fled the restroom, I punched Ryan. So hard that both my hand and his cheek bone made sickening sounds, then I told him that if he ever comes near me or Mikes again then I really wouldn’t have any issues with killing him.
So why is he here?
“Ry?” I ask, voice nothing beyond a hoarse whisper due to the numerous hours that I have just spent crying my heart out for the boy whose heart I broke. “Why are you here? I thought I told you to stay the fuck away from us.”
His eyes flicker with hurt, the kind of hurt that would normally make sympathy rush through me. Not this time though, not after all that this motherfucker’s done to me and my boyfriend.
“Brendon, keep it down.” A new voice chimes in, a very pale and red-eyed Gerard Way accompanies it as he walks up the stairs from his infamous basement bedroom.
Mikey always liked it better than his own, I guess it made him feel safe and secure because it smells of Gerard. That’s what Mikes told me anyway; it’s his secret, the one he traded with me when he first realised I’m trustworthy. It takes a lot to get Mikey Way to open up to you, to get him to simply smile and not think you’re about to hurt him in any possible way. But I managed to get him to do it; and now I’ve just thrown it back in his face like the stupid bastard that I am.
Gerard crosses the room, exchanging a nod with Ryan as the younger scurries down the stairs to the basement like the rat he is, and fixes me with a look that’s a cross between relief, sorrow, panic and pure contempt. And then, without giving me so much as a snarl of warning, he punches me.
He’s never been much of a fighter has Gerard, but that doesn’t stop it from stinging like a bitch. Mainly because I know what it translates to; he hates me more than his artistically talented way of words can let him say. My head’s knocked to the side, my face seemingly pulsating with the impact, and so I have to snap my head to the left so that it’s centred when I hear sniffling. Sobbing.
Gerard’s crying. I, Brendon Boyd Urie, have made Gerard Arthur Way cry. And I made Mikes cry. Ry too. Because I’m just some incurable fuck-up in need of a lot more of what Gerard just gave me.
Without giving me time to properly consider the punch and the accompanying agony of it, I’m bundled into a chest by two strong and brotherly arms; Gee’s hugging me. More than that, he’s holding me like I’ve seen him hold Mikey whenever the poor little mite’s hurting too much for any of us to stand. And then it hits me; I’m crying too.
Crying for my mistakes, crying for my decimated boyfriend, crying for my broken friendship. Crying for the fact that I’ll never be good enough for Mikey because I made him cry.
Cry and run.
“Have you found him?” I manage to get the words out despite the near-wailing that my lips are pushing through into the atmosphere, my tone so desperate that I’d wince in embarrassment if I had the ability to feel anything other than concern and hate right now. “What’s Ryan here for?”
“Ryan bought him home.” He sniffles, staring at me in a harsh yet not mean kind of way. “Before you start having a bitch-fit, Ryan’s staying. He’s really sorry. The poor kid hasn’t left Mikey’s side since he got here. Barely taken his eyes off of him either.”
At that I feel a small seedling of hope begin to blossom in my heart like a firework; I knew Ryan couldn’t be all bad! I knew that he could get along with Mikes if he just tried to understand him.
I nod and step out of the hug, following Gerard through to the cluttered kitchen where he proceeds to fill a glass with water and then reaches into the cupboard above the sink to pull out a packet of painkillers. Painkillers. Pain. Mikey’s in pain. I made Mikey be in pain.
I hurt my precious baby boyfriend.
“Gerard?” He stops his rushed fiddling through the cupboard, this time pulling out some kind of medical tape, and turns to face me. The concern swirling in his expression makes me want to punch something. Preferably myself. “Why did Ryan bring him home?”
Even more heart-crushing worry cripples me when Gee puts everything down on the counter, his hands resting on my shoulders instead, and looks straight into my eyes with his own. His own being the ones of a big brother trying his hardest to protect his baby from the world that I just made all the more unbearable for his little baby bro.
God. I’m so fucking stupid. Selfish. Mean. Nasty. Evil.
But still in love. With Mikey Way. Undoubtedly and uncontrollably so.
“Ryan was walking through town thinking.” He pauses, the both of us shuddering because we know what he was most likely thinking about, and takes in a deep breath. “He found Mikes at the end of an alley, some pervert standing over him with his pants down and trying to undo Mikey’s. The poor kid was already unconscious.”
Some people are truly, nauseatingly sick in this world. To think that someone out there believes it’s alright for them to do something like that to a kid. A kid with way too much hurt weighing him down already and now the addition of this; an evil, horrible paedophile trying to get some fun out of my boyfriend. The one who’s too shy to go all of the way voluntarily because he thinks he’s not good enough, thinks he’s a freak because of people like Ryan Ross.
Ryan Ross.
“Ryan scared the guy off, rescued Mikes.” He sighs, picking up all of the things from the counter and gestures for my dazed and gawping form to follow him to his bedroom. “He’s still out cold, Bren. And I don’t know what to do.”
We stop as we reach the door at the bottom of the stairs, both of our hearts breaking for the abused and beaten boy that we have willingly taken into the comforting grip of our collective care. It’s not like we ever couldn’t; Mikey Way is too special to ever be denied. Even Ry can see that.
Ry’s a hero.
My hero, anyway. Because if it wasn’t for him my boyfriend would either be dead on the outside as well as the inside by now, or at the very horrific least would have had the last of his innocence stolen away from him by some dirty pervert in the back of a dodgy alleyway. Someone who wouldn’t stroke his skin until he was ready; wouldn’t whisper things to him to make him feel beautiful; wouldn’t make it as painless as a first time can be; wouldn’t make it something that Mikey would never forget for all the right reasons.
Ryan Ross saved my boyfriend from rape. Something that would probably give me a lot more comfort if it wasn’t for the fact that I know this will have repercussions, as well as what I did to him. Mikes was already terrified of most people, of being out in public in general unless I’m there to hold his hand.
I reach towards the door handle, trying to mentally prepare myself for the state that my poor little Mikey is most likely going to be in. I feel a tap on my shoulder, making me face Gerard who places a finger over his lips and then points to the door. Listen. He wants me to listen.
“Mikey, I don’t know if you can hear me or not but I kinda gotta say this.” It’s Ry. And he’s undoubtedly been crying. “I’m sorry. I never meant for it to go this far, I just… I love him, y’know?” I hear a shot of hollow laughter, the kind that should never come from such sweet lips. “Of course you fucking do, you’re his boyfriend.” The words are dark, spoken in a tone that makes me want to go in there and get Ryan away from my Sweetie before he can make things even worse. Yet I do nothing; I trust Ryan. Even if I know I can’t. “I always thought it would be me being his boyfriend. I always wanted it to be me. But… But I’m glad it’s you. You make him happy and I can see how much he cares about you.” Oh Ry. Thank you. So fucking much. “So please, for the love of God, don’t be mad with him. And treat him better than I did. He only deserves the best.”
Before the words are even fully announced, the door swings open and Ryan rushes past, pausing to throw me a brief smile of sheepish sorrow.
“I forgive you.”
It’s all that needs to be said, all that I can say, because he’s my best friend. Always has been and always will be. Nothing can ever change that.
“I forgive you, Rybbit.”
“Shut up and go look after your boyfriend, Urie.”
And just like that I know that everything will be okay. Maybe not immediately, but if we all work together then I know we can come out the other end. So I walk into the dingy room, my eyes immediately fixating on the small lump of broken boy cradled in his big brother’s bed.
The sight makes my heart break; blood, bruises, gashes, lumps, split lip and a permanent look of terror claiming his face even in his fitful rest.
All because of me.
A/N: Thank you very much for reading and I hope this is alright! I would just like to say thank you very much to anyone who has taken the time to give me feedback on this fic; it really does mean the world to me. So thanks!
Song of The Chapter: Tears Don’t Fall by Bullet For My Valentine http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9sTQ0QdkN3Q&ob=av2n
Survey about series: http://www.zoomerang.com/Survey/WEB22FS4LGF7BE
My new fanfiction rec-list I made up, if you’re interested: http://coldkid.deviantart.com/#/d51esab
Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think! :D
Brendon's POV
“Brendon! Thank fuck you’re here!”
Before I can even register who it is grabbing the front of my Green Day t-shirt, the one that I’m wearing because I know that it’s Mikey’s favourite one to snuggle into, I’m yanked through the threshold of the Way family home. It’s a place that feels bittersweet to me at the moment, kind of like some sort of purgatory that can’t decide whether it wants to welcome me in or not. On the one hand it’s a place brimming with the greatest memories my mind carries, like when I came over for Christmas Eve and I made cookies with Mikes or the time when I found out that Mikey’s actually an amazing kisser when under the right kind of guidance, especially when sprawled out on his bedroom floor.
On the other hand it’s a place that I’m only here for because I fucked up.
No. I did worse than fuck up; I ruined everything. The look in Mikey’s eyes when he saw me with my hands down Ryan’s pants and Ry actually being cruel enough to tease him about it is something that I’m certain will haunt me for a very long time. Because that’s the moment that I managed to break Mikey Way; the boy with enough strength to survive sixteen years of constant torment and it was my selfish stupidity that broke him.
And for that I truly despise myself. I despise myself more than I despise God for making my Mikey mute, more than Ryan for enticing me in and even more than all of the bullies for continuously insisting on hurting my baby. I’m worse than every evil in this world as far as I’m concerned because I’m Mikey Way’s boyfriend; the one person that he truly trusts and can open up to. I was the one person capable of getting through to him when no-one else could and now I’ve wrecked that.
Made him run. Run from Pete of all people, the guy who’s like a father to Mikes. He’s usually the one who can keep Mikey calm and make him feel safe; never have I known my Mikey to flinch away from Pete like I’ve seen him do everyone else, even Gee, at least once.
All because of me. All because I was horny, Ryan was sad and I let myself be an easy target for a boy I don’t even have proper feelings for. I know that now; Ry might be a ridiculously stunning kisser, but a good kiss is nothing without real love behind it. And I didn’t feel real love back in the restroom, just mindless lust. The kind of lust that means so much more when it’s Mikey creating it because it’s love and lust, two things that I have only ever felt in unison for Mikes.
But now I’ve fucked that all up and he’s out there on his own, in the dark without anyone to protect him.
Hell, he could be dead by.
If he is, then I will be too. I can make sure of that. Why? He smiles, I smile. He laughs, I laugh. He snuggles, I snuggle. He cries, I cry. He hurts, I hurt.
He dies, I die; it only makes sense. Sense and justice. Because that’s how bad I’ve been to him, to the most perfect little boyfriend scum like me could ever hope for.
“Bren, snap out of it! Mikey needs you!”
I blink a few times at the sharp but not unkind call, accompanied by fingers clicking in front of my dazed eyes, to make out the face of the one person I sincerely hoped I’d never have to lay eyes on again; Ryan fucking Ross is stood in the Ways’ living room, tears staining his face as he tries to put on the tough expression that he always does when he knows he’s in the wrong.
Apart from he’s not. I am. I’m the one who abandoned him, he just got lonely. I’m the one who just cheated on his boyfriend; he just kissed a guy without having anyone to hold him back.
Hang on.
What the fuck is Ry doing here? Here being the home of the perfectly innocent and innocently perfect boy that he just played a major role in destroying?
After Mikey fled the restroom, I punched Ryan. So hard that both my hand and his cheek bone made sickening sounds, then I told him that if he ever comes near me or Mikes again then I really wouldn’t have any issues with killing him.
So why is he here?
“Ry?” I ask, voice nothing beyond a hoarse whisper due to the numerous hours that I have just spent crying my heart out for the boy whose heart I broke. “Why are you here? I thought I told you to stay the fuck away from us.”
His eyes flicker with hurt, the kind of hurt that would normally make sympathy rush through me. Not this time though, not after all that this motherfucker’s done to me and my boyfriend.
“Brendon, keep it down.” A new voice chimes in, a very pale and red-eyed Gerard Way accompanies it as he walks up the stairs from his infamous basement bedroom.
Mikey always liked it better than his own, I guess it made him feel safe and secure because it smells of Gerard. That’s what Mikes told me anyway; it’s his secret, the one he traded with me when he first realised I’m trustworthy. It takes a lot to get Mikey Way to open up to you, to get him to simply smile and not think you’re about to hurt him in any possible way. But I managed to get him to do it; and now I’ve just thrown it back in his face like the stupid bastard that I am.
Gerard crosses the room, exchanging a nod with Ryan as the younger scurries down the stairs to the basement like the rat he is, and fixes me with a look that’s a cross between relief, sorrow, panic and pure contempt. And then, without giving me so much as a snarl of warning, he punches me.
He’s never been much of a fighter has Gerard, but that doesn’t stop it from stinging like a bitch. Mainly because I know what it translates to; he hates me more than his artistically talented way of words can let him say. My head’s knocked to the side, my face seemingly pulsating with the impact, and so I have to snap my head to the left so that it’s centred when I hear sniffling. Sobbing.
Gerard’s crying. I, Brendon Boyd Urie, have made Gerard Arthur Way cry. And I made Mikes cry. Ry too. Because I’m just some incurable fuck-up in need of a lot more of what Gerard just gave me.
Without giving me time to properly consider the punch and the accompanying agony of it, I’m bundled into a chest by two strong and brotherly arms; Gee’s hugging me. More than that, he’s holding me like I’ve seen him hold Mikey whenever the poor little mite’s hurting too much for any of us to stand. And then it hits me; I’m crying too.
Crying for my mistakes, crying for my decimated boyfriend, crying for my broken friendship. Crying for the fact that I’ll never be good enough for Mikey because I made him cry.
Cry and run.
“Have you found him?” I manage to get the words out despite the near-wailing that my lips are pushing through into the atmosphere, my tone so desperate that I’d wince in embarrassment if I had the ability to feel anything other than concern and hate right now. “What’s Ryan here for?”
“Ryan bought him home.” He sniffles, staring at me in a harsh yet not mean kind of way. “Before you start having a bitch-fit, Ryan’s staying. He’s really sorry. The poor kid hasn’t left Mikey’s side since he got here. Barely taken his eyes off of him either.”
At that I feel a small seedling of hope begin to blossom in my heart like a firework; I knew Ryan couldn’t be all bad! I knew that he could get along with Mikes if he just tried to understand him.
I nod and step out of the hug, following Gerard through to the cluttered kitchen where he proceeds to fill a glass with water and then reaches into the cupboard above the sink to pull out a packet of painkillers. Painkillers. Pain. Mikey’s in pain. I made Mikey be in pain.
I hurt my precious baby boyfriend.
“Gerard?” He stops his rushed fiddling through the cupboard, this time pulling out some kind of medical tape, and turns to face me. The concern swirling in his expression makes me want to punch something. Preferably myself. “Why did Ryan bring him home?”
Even more heart-crushing worry cripples me when Gee puts everything down on the counter, his hands resting on my shoulders instead, and looks straight into my eyes with his own. His own being the ones of a big brother trying his hardest to protect his baby from the world that I just made all the more unbearable for his little baby bro.
God. I’m so fucking stupid. Selfish. Mean. Nasty. Evil.
But still in love. With Mikey Way. Undoubtedly and uncontrollably so.
“Ryan was walking through town thinking.” He pauses, the both of us shuddering because we know what he was most likely thinking about, and takes in a deep breath. “He found Mikes at the end of an alley, some pervert standing over him with his pants down and trying to undo Mikey’s. The poor kid was already unconscious.”
Some people are truly, nauseatingly sick in this world. To think that someone out there believes it’s alright for them to do something like that to a kid. A kid with way too much hurt weighing him down already and now the addition of this; an evil, horrible paedophile trying to get some fun out of my boyfriend. The one who’s too shy to go all of the way voluntarily because he thinks he’s not good enough, thinks he’s a freak because of people like Ryan Ross.
Ryan Ross.
“Ryan scared the guy off, rescued Mikes.” He sighs, picking up all of the things from the counter and gestures for my dazed and gawping form to follow him to his bedroom. “He’s still out cold, Bren. And I don’t know what to do.”
We stop as we reach the door at the bottom of the stairs, both of our hearts breaking for the abused and beaten boy that we have willingly taken into the comforting grip of our collective care. It’s not like we ever couldn’t; Mikey Way is too special to ever be denied. Even Ry can see that.
Ry’s a hero.
My hero, anyway. Because if it wasn’t for him my boyfriend would either be dead on the outside as well as the inside by now, or at the very horrific least would have had the last of his innocence stolen away from him by some dirty pervert in the back of a dodgy alleyway. Someone who wouldn’t stroke his skin until he was ready; wouldn’t whisper things to him to make him feel beautiful; wouldn’t make it as painless as a first time can be; wouldn’t make it something that Mikey would never forget for all the right reasons.
Ryan Ross saved my boyfriend from rape. Something that would probably give me a lot more comfort if it wasn’t for the fact that I know this will have repercussions, as well as what I did to him. Mikes was already terrified of most people, of being out in public in general unless I’m there to hold his hand.
I reach towards the door handle, trying to mentally prepare myself for the state that my poor little Mikey is most likely going to be in. I feel a tap on my shoulder, making me face Gerard who places a finger over his lips and then points to the door. Listen. He wants me to listen.
“Mikey, I don’t know if you can hear me or not but I kinda gotta say this.” It’s Ry. And he’s undoubtedly been crying. “I’m sorry. I never meant for it to go this far, I just… I love him, y’know?” I hear a shot of hollow laughter, the kind that should never come from such sweet lips. “Of course you fucking do, you’re his boyfriend.” The words are dark, spoken in a tone that makes me want to go in there and get Ryan away from my Sweetie before he can make things even worse. Yet I do nothing; I trust Ryan. Even if I know I can’t. “I always thought it would be me being his boyfriend. I always wanted it to be me. But… But I’m glad it’s you. You make him happy and I can see how much he cares about you.” Oh Ry. Thank you. So fucking much. “So please, for the love of God, don’t be mad with him. And treat him better than I did. He only deserves the best.”
Before the words are even fully announced, the door swings open and Ryan rushes past, pausing to throw me a brief smile of sheepish sorrow.
“I forgive you.”
It’s all that needs to be said, all that I can say, because he’s my best friend. Always has been and always will be. Nothing can ever change that.
“I forgive you, Rybbit.”
“Shut up and go look after your boyfriend, Urie.”
And just like that I know that everything will be okay. Maybe not immediately, but if we all work together then I know we can come out the other end. So I walk into the dingy room, my eyes immediately fixating on the small lump of broken boy cradled in his big brother’s bed.
The sight makes my heart break; blood, bruises, gashes, lumps, split lip and a permanent look of terror claiming his face even in his fitful rest.
All because of me.
A/N: Thank you very much for reading and I hope this is alright! I would just like to say thank you very much to anyone who has taken the time to give me feedback on this fic; it really does mean the world to me. So thanks!
Song of The Chapter: Tears Don’t Fall by Bullet For My Valentine http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9sTQ0QdkN3Q&ob=av2n
Survey about series: http://www.zoomerang.com/Survey/WEB22FS4LGF7BE
My new fanfiction rec-list I made up, if you’re interested: http://coldkid.deviantart.com/#/d51esab
Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think! :D
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