Mikey returns home with an unexpected guest, much to Gerard's shock.
Chapter Six~ Midnight Wanderings
I left school after the disastrous science lesson and I'm currently in my room blasting Green Day out of my speakers. Yeah, my grades are going to go down if I miss loads of school, but it's not as if I'm ever going to make it anywhere is it? Plus I didn't want to chance seeing Frank again. Frank. Who the fuck does he think he is? What goes on in my life is none of his business. I can't believe I told him things about myself, let alone actually spoke to him in the first place. I did exactly what I have been telling myself not to do for the past three years. I'm so angry at myself right now, and I need to do something about it.
I rummage around in the drawers next to my bed until I find it. The one thing that gets closest to me. The thing that makes me feel better. I take out the bloodied metal and sit slumped against my bed. I take my jacket off, revealing my already scarred arms. I search for a part of my arm that is unmarked and drag the blade across my pale ivory skin. Again and again. With each fresh cut I hiss from the pain. But soon the pain is replaced by a wave of pleasure rushing over me, pushing me to make more cuts. When I'm satisfied with the result I sit there and watch the blood pour from the open wounds. I stare at the beautiful crimson liquid leaving the gashes in my arm as if all my bad thoughts go with it. The blood is lucky, it gets to be free. Me, on the otherhand.... Yeah I'm not so lucky. So I'm stuck here until somebody kind puts me out of my misery, or until I man up enough to end it myself. I've thought about suicide but I can never bring myself to do it. Yeah, the idea appeals to me immensely but I couldn't do that to Mikey. It upsets him enough that I don't eat without adding my suicide to his list of problems. Although that would end his other worries, I guess. Thankfully Mikey doesn't know about what I do to my body in the confined space of my own room. If he did he would stop me, and I wouldn't be able to cope with that. Mikey is the only one stopping me from killing myself, and in a way I resent him for that. I know he's my brother and I love him so much but if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have had to suffer for this long.
After today, though, Mikey has made it clear that he doesn't care anymore. I feel awful because I've pushed away the one person I love most. I've made him lose faith in me. No person should feel that way about their big brother, but there's only one person at fault. Thinking about the events in the bathroom earlier makes me angry again and I try to think of new ways to cause myself pain, because the razor isn't enough. I look down at my still bleeding cuts and I raise my fingers to them. I let them brush the skin for a few moments, thinking over my next move, before I dig my nails into the wounds as hard as I can, making me scream in agony and causing more blood to seep out. I whimper from the pain and tears start to fall. Although it hurts like a bitch, I got the result I wanted. I'm sat by my bed, curled up into a ball, when I hear a frantic banging on my door.
"GERARD!!!!" Mikey. "Gerard, what's wrong?" He sounds shit scared.
What? Mikey? Why is he home? I look at my clock, which read 15:48. Shit. I've been sat here for nearly four hours?? More banging erupts from the door and Mikey tries to open it but fails. I love the lock on my door. "Gerard?" He asks again, quieter this time.
"Yes Mikey?" I respond.
I hear a loud sigh of relief from the other side of the door and a faint "He's alive." Wait, who is he talking to?
"Gerard, what the fuck was that?" Mikey sounds a lot calmer now, but his voice is still shaky.
"What do you mean?" I try and play dumb, still hanging on to the hope that Mikey hadn't actually heard my cry of pain.
"You know damn well what I mean, Gerard. You just screamed as though somebody just ripped out your intestines from your bellybutton." Mikey's statement is followed by a quiet "Eww, Mikes, that's fucked up."
"Mikey, who else is out there?" I hear a few whispers on the other side of my door but Mikey doesn't reply. "Michael, who the fuck are you with?" He senses my irritation and quickly informs me. but the name that comes from his mouth makes me feel a lot of different emotions all at the same time. Hatred, attraction, anger... desire?
"Hey, Gerard." Frank greets me. Mikey doesn't wait for me to reply before he carries on speaking.
"Gerard, can you let me in?"
I look down at my arm, which is still bleeding but the flow of blood had slowed down. "Uhhh.... no. Give me like 10 minutes and I'll come upstairs."
"Um... Okaaay?... See you." He sounds suspicious, but I hear his and Franks retreating footsteps. I never could hide things from him, which means I'm going to have to be more careful.
I pull myself off of the floor and make my way to my bathroom, mind set on cleaning myself up. I get to the sink and start running the taps. I grab a towel and start cleaning the wounds, which turns the water pink. By the time I've finished cleaning the cuts and they've stopped(ish) bleeding, the water is blood red. I look up into the mirror and bring a hand up to my cheek, fingers brushing the ghosts of bruises caused by people at school. When I do this I see that my fist is covered in dried blood and open wounds from earlier. I look a mess. Luckily, I have a first aid kit somewhere, and that has bandages in it. After wrapping my hand up in a white bandage I put my fingerless gloves on to hide it from Mikey. I just hope that Frank doesn't tell him anything. I go back into my room and put my jacket back on. After making sure that no blood is showing through my jacket I re-do my eyeliner, cover up the bruises with powder and head upstairs.
When I exit my bedroom, I head straight across to the kitchen to make myself some liquid heaven. I sit down, waiting for the coffee maker to work with my head in my hands. Getting impatient, I start to tap my foot to the beat of Helena by the Misfits. I get a little too into it and start singing along, forgetting that I'm not alone in the house.
If I cut off your arms and cut off your legs,
Would you still love me anyway?
If you're bound and you're gagged, draped and displayed
Would you still love me anyway?
Why don't you love me, anyway?
Why don't you love me-
I'm cut off by the sound of somebody clearing their throat. My eyes widen in surprise and I whip around, finding myself faced with Mikey and Frank, who is slightly hidden behind Mikey. Holy shit, this is embarrassing. I grab my now made cup of coffee and scurry off, muttering my excuses.
"Gerard- wait." I stop mid stride. He doesn't say anything so I turn around. He smiles at me.
"You know, I never knew you could sing like that." I feel my face starting to burn with embarrassment. I carry on staring at the floor. "I mean it, Gee, you're really good." At the use of my nickname I look up at my brother who looks hopeful. I mumble something resembling a 'thankyou' and turn on my heel, returning to my bedroom.
"I'm sorry, Gee!" He blurts out randomly. I stop again, sighing in the process. I turn back to Mikey once more to see him looking at his shoes.
"Mikes, you have nothing to be sorry for." I say, knowing full well what he's talking about. He looks up at me, amazed that I had actually responded. I walk over to him, pull his head down and kiss his forehead, before turning back towards my room. He grabs my arm, making me wince due to my jacket rubbing against the raw skin. I pull my arm out of his reach but make no move to go back downstairs, waiting to hear what he has to say. He looks a bit puzzled, but doesn't question me.
"You know I didn't mean what I said, right? I will never give up on you." Tears are starting to well up in his eyes and I reach over and pat him on the arm, trying to comfort him.
"I know Mikes. I'm just sorry I made you feel that way." He attacks me in a bone crushing hug and I find myself attempting to squirm out of it, feeling extremely uncomfortable.
"Mikey let go! Please." I whimper. He releases me and apologizes, looking a little hurt. "Sorry, I just felt a little overpowered." Is my pathetic excuse. His face relaxes a bit more at that and he smiles again.
"I love you Gee. Whatever I do, just know it's because I care about you." I shuffle my feet, feeling guilty, and smile back at him.
"I know Mikes, and I love you too." A silence follows. "Sooo, can I go back down now?"
"Not just yet. I know what you did to your hand." I shoot a glare at Frank, who blushes and looks to the floor. "I guess that's kinda my fault too."
"No Mikey! Don't you ever think that, EVER! Whatever I choose to do is because I want to do it, it's no fault of yours, do you understand me?" By now I'm up in his face, pointing a finger at him. He looks shocked at me raising my voice like that, but I can't have him thinking that my issues are his fault.
He just nods silently. I calm myself down and ask him "Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?"
"Well, yeah. But when you screamed I just wanted to know if you were okay."
"Well, now you know. I'm gonna go now." I walk down to my bedroom, coffee in hand and don't look back, ignoring Mikey's calls.
After draining my coffee, I sit down on my bed and shove my headphones in. As I listen to the epicness of Avenged Sevenfold I find myself drifting off to sleep.
I awake from a dreamless sleep expecting it to be morning. But as usual, I only slept for like an hour, so it is now around 10 o'clock at night. Stupid insomnia. I heave myself out of bed and stretch myself out. I wince when I feel the pull of the now opened wounds on my arm. I roll my sleeves up to look at the bloody lines on my ivory skin, which have now started dripping with blood again. I drag my sorry ass up the stairs craving more coffee, but also wanting to take a look at the night sky. I love the night, It's my favourite time. No sun, no noise... No people in general really. However, my hopes of a peaceful night are destroyed when I find Mikey in the kitchen, with Frank STILL here. I stay silent, hoping they don't notice me, and hurry over to the coffee machine. The two boys turn around at the sound of it turning on and they smile nervously. I get out my flask that I use when I go out at night. I can't stand being in this house any longer with all the guilty looks and the overprotectiveness. When my coffee is safe and warm in my flask I grab an extra hoodie and I head towards the door.
"Mikes, I'm going out. Don't wait up." And I slam the door behind me.
Gerard leaves the house, leaving Mikey and I staring at the door in his wake. I turn to Mikey, curious as to what the fuck just happened.
"Where is he going?" He just shrugs.
"The dude has sleep issues. He likes to go out during the night to think about things." I feel my face droop into a frown.
"So, he does this a lot?" Mikey nods, sighing.
"Almost every night. I think he prefers being in the quiet, it helps him clear his head. And to be honest with you, I think that's what he desperately needs."
"Well, what about earlier? He was acting strange then. Do you think something's wrong?" The scrawny boy scoffs.
"Oh, I KNOW something's wrong." There's a silence, while I wait for him to elaborate on his answer. When it appears that he isn't planning on doing so, I proceed with my question asking.
"What? If there's something wrong how come you didn't confront him about it?"
"I know I said that I haven't given up on him, but I still know when talking isn't going to help anything. Right now, talking about his problems is the last thing that could help him solve them. So I'll keep quiet until the time is right." I blink at him.
"How will you know when the time is right?"
"Believe me, I will. I always do when it comes to Gerard. Whether he likes it or not, I know him better than anybody else and I know when he's upset or angry. And I'm the one that he's most comfortable talking with, so by now I've figured out how to go about things."
"Damn, Mikey, it's at times like this that I wish I had a brother. Just someone who knows me inside and out. You're a good brother, Mikey, you know that?" He smiles and pats my back.
"Thanks Frank. Hey, what's the time?" I look down at my phone.
"SHIT! It's like 10 o'clock! I gotta go! Thanks for inviting me round, though it's been nice."
"What, listening to mine and my brothers problems?" I laugh.
"No." I step forward and hug him. "Being with a friend. I haven't had that in a long time, so thank you." And with that, I hurried to the door, followed by Mikey, who waves goodbye as I set off on the short walk home.
I was just about to walk down my street when a dark figure caught my eye. I can tell that it's a guy by the silhouette, because, you know, he doesn't have boobs. The guy is half hidden against a tree on the edge of the park, just sitting on the dirty ground. I stop walking and just look at him, trying to see in the dark to get a good look at his face. As if he hears my thoughts I see his head snap up, and upon seeing me he rises to his feet and walks further into the park, the darkness swallowing him up. I'm curious by now so I decide to follow him, not caring about how late it is and the fact that he could be a murderer for all I know.
When I finally reach the park I see the silhouette of who I assume to be the same guy sitting on the kids swings. I tentatively make my way over to him, still not sure if he's going to kill me if I disturb him. After all, this IS New Jersey, and it's not exactly friendly at night. I reach the swing set and take a seat on the one next to him. He looks up at the sound of the rusty chain groaning under my weight and I get a look at his face. I don't know why I'm surprised to see Gerard here, I mean who else would go out alone at this time of night? I see that he has tears streaming down his flawless pale skin, making his eyeliner smudge a little. I reach across and wipe away a tear with my thumb.
"What's on your mind?" I ask the crying boy.
"Is Mikey okay?" He replies, ignoring my question.
"Uhh, yeah he's fine... Are you?" He nods and lets out a quiet sob.
"Yeah, I'm fine, just like the night ,you know?" He tries to fake a smile.
"Well, that's bullshit. You obviously aren't fine." He looks annoyed and stands up
"You don't know shit about me, so don't assume things. I talked to you once, and I'm not making that mistake again." He hisses and walks out of the park. What the fuck did I do?!
After Gerard has left I sit on the swings for a while longer, pondering his strange behaviour. I start to get a little creeped out by the darkness surrounding me, concealing unknown threats, and I scurry out of the park, continuing on my journey home. My mom doesn't give me a big lecture on where I've been because she's just glad that I've made friends, so I go straight up to my room. I take off my shirt and change my jeans for sweatpants, feeling comfortable and warm. I lay on my bed, not bothering to actually get in it, and spend what seems like hours thinking about Gerard. His amazing eyes, his flawless skin, and the fact that he just seems so insecure, which I can't understand from a guy so beautiful. My last thoughts before slipping into unconsciousness are of the mysterious and guarded boy with the black hair.
So.. How was it? Reviewers get Gerard in a tiara! :P xo