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Chapter 36 What Do I Do With Myself?
0 ReviewsGrimmjow POV. he spouts some wisdom and stuff about himself. i love this chapter
Chapter 36
What Do I Do With Myself?
Grimmjow POV
I walked slowly threw the hallways as if on autopilot. Nothing I thought made any sense to me. I wanted to go after Kurono, to make her understand that she wasn’t broken. But how was I to do that when she was in the Soul Society? My powers might be great but even though I will never say it out loud, they are not limitless. Breaking into the Soul Society would show that I cared for her… wouldn’t it? But what good would it do me? None.
My ability to think straight was leaving and my mind was growing foggy… I hated the feeling. I want to be angry again, not all this wishy washy love stuff. It's not me at all.
What was it about Kurono that drew me to her? Her love for a fight? Her looks? Her personality? No, it was the fact that she had almost ultimate power and she didn't want use it to belittle people… like I do. That’s what I love most about her. No, Kurono had tenderness behind that hard exterior. It was hard to find but it was there. She had opened it up to me and I failed her.
Why should I care? I'm a hollow, I follow Aizen and kill people, no questions asked. But since when did I follow Aizen's every command? When did I ever follow anyone's command? I go wherever I see fit and do whatever I want. Nothing stands in my way, not Aizen, not anyone. But Kurono had stood there, and I had done nothing. Usual I bash their heads in, or kick them, or….
It was no use; I could never bring myself to hurt Kurono, no matter what. At times I wanted to, just like I wanted to hurt everyone, but something in me kept me from it, like she was untouchable. I was made to protect and love her and that’s what I plan to do.
I reached my room and flopped onto the bed. But a sharp knock kept me from sleeping which flared my anger, a familiar feeling. I still don’t know if I like the sensation of hate and anger or if I'm just used to it.
“Who is it?”
No one answered so I sat up to get a view of the door. Harribel's curved figure was in the door way, arms crossed over her chest. I flopped back down
“What do you want?”
She walked in and stood by the bed looking down at me
“Where's Kurono?”
I didn't know whether to tell her the truth or to make up some story. So I decided to do both.
“Out”
“Out where? Did you solve… your problem?”
“It's none of your business”
My voice came out in a growl
“Where is she?”
“Go away and I might tell you”
“Honestly Grimmjow, where is she?”
She sounded a little on edge
“Don't worry about her. She’s just fine”
“I want to help her”
“You're in no place to help her. She’s out of your reach”
“How so?”
“She's gone, left, no longer here, out of Las Noches, away from home, awol, not to be found, not in Hueco Mundo, absent, missing, flown the coop, out of action, MIA; take your pick.”
Harribel frowned
“Where has she gone?”
“To the Human World.”
“Why aren't you with her?”
I closed my eyes and sighed letting the question sink in. Why was I not with her? That could not be answered. I wanted to be with her and I didn't want to lie about that. But if I said as much then it would still leave the question unanswered. So I just shrugged letting Harribel come to her own conclusions. But she wouldn’t take it for an answer
“Where is she Grimmjow and why aren't you with her?”
“Because I’m here and she's not”
“That’s not an answer”
I reopened my eyes, staring angrily at the woman. I was really starting to get annoyed and I was already at the end of my rope
“Back off will ya? I want to sleep and you're kinda keeping me from it”
“I'm not leaving until you tell me”
I sat up and looked at the door, then back at Harribel. Jeez this woman had a way of getting to me.
“Can I trust you? You won't say a word to anyone?”
“It depends”
“Then I can't tell you”
“Does it have something to do with Aizen?”
I grumbled and allowed my body to fall back onto the bed
“Why does every little thing have to be about him? Well I guess this sorta has something to do with him, but that doesn’t mean everything does. You can’t let him know about it. Is that understood woman?”
She nodded so I took it that I could trust her
“She's dead”
By the shocked silence I could tell that wasn’t quite what she had wanted to hear
“She's….Dead? How? You didn't…”
“Of course I didn't do it! She did it herself. She couldn't stand being apart of this madness. So she killed herself and went the Soul Society. And from my understanding she's had this idea at least a day before Gin had to open his stupid grinning mouth.”
“So she's on the right side now. That’s good to hear”
Harribel headed for the door and I sat up, confused
“How is that good?”
She stopped with her back to me
“Now…. She will survive. She’ll be on the winning side.”
“You mean…”
She turned to me with a sad smile in her eyes and I really wanted to hit something
“I already know how this battle will end. We Hollows have no right to rule the world. We were not created for that”
I snorted
“Then why do you follow Aizen?”
“I have no where else to go. Nothing to do. I owe Aizen my life that is all this is. We are meant to die for a cause and this is mine. It is all I have”
“Why would you want to die for something this stupid?”
“If it's stupid then why are you here?”
“Because I'm stupid.”
“I thought as much”
I looked at the floor
“And Aizen is the only one who offered the way to become stronger”
“Is that all that matters to you anymore?”
I smiled thinking of the time when I first met this woman. So long ago….
“That’s all that ever mattered. Even back then”
“Was it? Or did you have another dream in mind?”
“What ever dream it was it's long gone. I have no memory of the foolish hopes I once had”
“Is it not a foolish hope to want to become perfect?”
“It is”
“And is it not foolish to want Kurono to love you?”
“It is”
“Then why do you dream them?”
“Maybe those are the same foolish dreams from before, just slightly changed? It doesn’t matter. None of this matters, just the fight”
“Is that really all that matters? Getting stronger and fighting? What about your foolish dreams? Do those matter?”
“Those are my foolish dreams…. Every dream is foolish. We dream so we won't have to face the truth and pain before our face”
She took a moment’s pause before answering
“I see. So is Kurono’s plan to become good… foolish?”
I thought a moment
“No, nothing she does is for a foolish cause, unlike you and me. She has a purpose that means something. Whatever we’re doing here means nothing to anybody. We’re nothing but cannon fodder for Aizen. And we let him do that to us”
“Do we?”
“I know you do. I try not to and yet I still fall into every word he says”
“Kurono is the only hollow I ever saw that stood up to him”
“Yeah, she had guts. But look where that got her”
I looked up and Harribel was standing in the door way, looking sad
“What are you planning on doing after this battle Grimmjow?”
“It doesn’t matter; none of this does, just like I said. I will continue to fight without any cause except to be better and dream my foolish dreams”
“Fools dream foolish dreams”
“Then call me a fool”
“Fool”
I chuckled and put my eyes back to the floor. I let out a sigh
“Do you want to hear the most foolish dream I have?”
Harribel didn't answer so I continued
“I want to hate fighting. I want to run away with Kurono and live a normal life. One where I don’t have to deal with pain anymore, a place where I don’t have to where a mask of hostility”
“You may find that place. After you're dead that is”
“Am I not already dead?”
“Then you have lost that chance”
“Is that what really lies ahead for people who have not sinned? Their foolish dreams?”
“I suppose so. But it's Hell’s gates that we’ll see.”
I laughed
“That’s right. Killing is a sin with no forgiveness. Drat. I guess I won't get my happy little ending”
“No one ever does”
“Kurono will. And I will go to the ends of the earth to make sure she gets it”
“Good luck”
With that Harribel walked out the door leaving me alone at last. I fell back onto the bed and closed my eyes. Nothing does matter, nothing but beating Ichigo and loving Kurono; Such a contradiction.
But I heard Harribel back at my door.
“What if Kurono’s happy little ending is… you?”
She finally left me with that and I smiled
“Then I will get make sure she gets it… while achieving my foolish dream in the process”
What Do I Do With Myself?
Grimmjow POV
I walked slowly threw the hallways as if on autopilot. Nothing I thought made any sense to me. I wanted to go after Kurono, to make her understand that she wasn’t broken. But how was I to do that when she was in the Soul Society? My powers might be great but even though I will never say it out loud, they are not limitless. Breaking into the Soul Society would show that I cared for her… wouldn’t it? But what good would it do me? None.
My ability to think straight was leaving and my mind was growing foggy… I hated the feeling. I want to be angry again, not all this wishy washy love stuff. It's not me at all.
What was it about Kurono that drew me to her? Her love for a fight? Her looks? Her personality? No, it was the fact that she had almost ultimate power and she didn't want use it to belittle people… like I do. That’s what I love most about her. No, Kurono had tenderness behind that hard exterior. It was hard to find but it was there. She had opened it up to me and I failed her.
Why should I care? I'm a hollow, I follow Aizen and kill people, no questions asked. But since when did I follow Aizen's every command? When did I ever follow anyone's command? I go wherever I see fit and do whatever I want. Nothing stands in my way, not Aizen, not anyone. But Kurono had stood there, and I had done nothing. Usual I bash their heads in, or kick them, or….
It was no use; I could never bring myself to hurt Kurono, no matter what. At times I wanted to, just like I wanted to hurt everyone, but something in me kept me from it, like she was untouchable. I was made to protect and love her and that’s what I plan to do.
I reached my room and flopped onto the bed. But a sharp knock kept me from sleeping which flared my anger, a familiar feeling. I still don’t know if I like the sensation of hate and anger or if I'm just used to it.
“Who is it?”
No one answered so I sat up to get a view of the door. Harribel's curved figure was in the door way, arms crossed over her chest. I flopped back down
“What do you want?”
She walked in and stood by the bed looking down at me
“Where's Kurono?”
I didn't know whether to tell her the truth or to make up some story. So I decided to do both.
“Out”
“Out where? Did you solve… your problem?”
“It's none of your business”
My voice came out in a growl
“Where is she?”
“Go away and I might tell you”
“Honestly Grimmjow, where is she?”
She sounded a little on edge
“Don't worry about her. She’s just fine”
“I want to help her”
“You're in no place to help her. She’s out of your reach”
“How so?”
“She's gone, left, no longer here, out of Las Noches, away from home, awol, not to be found, not in Hueco Mundo, absent, missing, flown the coop, out of action, MIA; take your pick.”
Harribel frowned
“Where has she gone?”
“To the Human World.”
“Why aren't you with her?”
I closed my eyes and sighed letting the question sink in. Why was I not with her? That could not be answered. I wanted to be with her and I didn't want to lie about that. But if I said as much then it would still leave the question unanswered. So I just shrugged letting Harribel come to her own conclusions. But she wouldn’t take it for an answer
“Where is she Grimmjow and why aren't you with her?”
“Because I’m here and she's not”
“That’s not an answer”
I reopened my eyes, staring angrily at the woman. I was really starting to get annoyed and I was already at the end of my rope
“Back off will ya? I want to sleep and you're kinda keeping me from it”
“I'm not leaving until you tell me”
I sat up and looked at the door, then back at Harribel. Jeez this woman had a way of getting to me.
“Can I trust you? You won't say a word to anyone?”
“It depends”
“Then I can't tell you”
“Does it have something to do with Aizen?”
I grumbled and allowed my body to fall back onto the bed
“Why does every little thing have to be about him? Well I guess this sorta has something to do with him, but that doesn’t mean everything does. You can’t let him know about it. Is that understood woman?”
She nodded so I took it that I could trust her
“She's dead”
By the shocked silence I could tell that wasn’t quite what she had wanted to hear
“She's….Dead? How? You didn't…”
“Of course I didn't do it! She did it herself. She couldn't stand being apart of this madness. So she killed herself and went the Soul Society. And from my understanding she's had this idea at least a day before Gin had to open his stupid grinning mouth.”
“So she's on the right side now. That’s good to hear”
Harribel headed for the door and I sat up, confused
“How is that good?”
She stopped with her back to me
“Now…. She will survive. She’ll be on the winning side.”
“You mean…”
She turned to me with a sad smile in her eyes and I really wanted to hit something
“I already know how this battle will end. We Hollows have no right to rule the world. We were not created for that”
I snorted
“Then why do you follow Aizen?”
“I have no where else to go. Nothing to do. I owe Aizen my life that is all this is. We are meant to die for a cause and this is mine. It is all I have”
“Why would you want to die for something this stupid?”
“If it's stupid then why are you here?”
“Because I'm stupid.”
“I thought as much”
I looked at the floor
“And Aizen is the only one who offered the way to become stronger”
“Is that all that matters to you anymore?”
I smiled thinking of the time when I first met this woman. So long ago….
“That’s all that ever mattered. Even back then”
“Was it? Or did you have another dream in mind?”
“What ever dream it was it's long gone. I have no memory of the foolish hopes I once had”
“Is it not a foolish hope to want to become perfect?”
“It is”
“And is it not foolish to want Kurono to love you?”
“It is”
“Then why do you dream them?”
“Maybe those are the same foolish dreams from before, just slightly changed? It doesn’t matter. None of this matters, just the fight”
“Is that really all that matters? Getting stronger and fighting? What about your foolish dreams? Do those matter?”
“Those are my foolish dreams…. Every dream is foolish. We dream so we won't have to face the truth and pain before our face”
She took a moment’s pause before answering
“I see. So is Kurono’s plan to become good… foolish?”
I thought a moment
“No, nothing she does is for a foolish cause, unlike you and me. She has a purpose that means something. Whatever we’re doing here means nothing to anybody. We’re nothing but cannon fodder for Aizen. And we let him do that to us”
“Do we?”
“I know you do. I try not to and yet I still fall into every word he says”
“Kurono is the only hollow I ever saw that stood up to him”
“Yeah, she had guts. But look where that got her”
I looked up and Harribel was standing in the door way, looking sad
“What are you planning on doing after this battle Grimmjow?”
“It doesn’t matter; none of this does, just like I said. I will continue to fight without any cause except to be better and dream my foolish dreams”
“Fools dream foolish dreams”
“Then call me a fool”
“Fool”
I chuckled and put my eyes back to the floor. I let out a sigh
“Do you want to hear the most foolish dream I have?”
Harribel didn't answer so I continued
“I want to hate fighting. I want to run away with Kurono and live a normal life. One where I don’t have to deal with pain anymore, a place where I don’t have to where a mask of hostility”
“You may find that place. After you're dead that is”
“Am I not already dead?”
“Then you have lost that chance”
“Is that what really lies ahead for people who have not sinned? Their foolish dreams?”
“I suppose so. But it's Hell’s gates that we’ll see.”
I laughed
“That’s right. Killing is a sin with no forgiveness. Drat. I guess I won't get my happy little ending”
“No one ever does”
“Kurono will. And I will go to the ends of the earth to make sure she gets it”
“Good luck”
With that Harribel walked out the door leaving me alone at last. I fell back onto the bed and closed my eyes. Nothing does matter, nothing but beating Ichigo and loving Kurono; Such a contradiction.
But I heard Harribel back at my door.
“What if Kurono’s happy little ending is… you?”
She finally left me with that and I smiled
“Then I will get make sure she gets it… while achieving my foolish dream in the process”
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