Maybe things would be ok. Maybe, just maybe I could make it through without Ryan. Maybe there was a light at the end of the tunnel. JONCER
My eyes were red with tears and thankfully, the rain saved me from having to explain them. I leaned my head back against the soft bark and closed my eyes. I remembered every moment I shared with Ryan. He was my best friend, one of my only friends. He’d been my best friend for years, and now it was just gone. The friendship we had, gone like yesterday was gone. I couldn’t get it back.
I closed my blue eyes and forced myself to remember his honey eyes, his dark chocolate hair. Remember the way his laugh sounded, like little tinkling bells to my ears. It killed me just to know that I would never get to hear his wonderful voice anymore, a voice that I knew better than my own. A voice sweet as honey, a voice so melodic and soothing that it could put anyone to sleep.
I opened my eyes and watched the leaves sway in the wind. I listened to the pitter patter of rain drops falling on the soft ground. All I wanted was to have my Ryan back; wanted to feel his long fingers entwined with mine. I wanted him to whisper in my ear that everything was ok. That everything was going to be alright.
But it wouldn’t be. No it was never going to be ok. Not anymore. Not without Ryan. I felt the tears mix with rain and my breath came in gasps. He was gone.
How was I going to make it without my best friend right beside me? How was I going to make it without him there to hold my hand when I needed someone? Without him there to hug me when I needed it? The realization that I wouldn’t have anyone choked me. I gasped for air, trying to come to terms with the fact that he was gone.
I pulled my knees to my chest and hid my face; hot tears seeped into my jeans. I tangled my fingers in my hair and clutched tight. I wanted to tear my hair out by the roots, wanted to cause any physical damage to myself to make me forget about Ryan.
I heard footsteps squishing towards me and looked up. I saw a head of brown hair too light to be Brendon’s making its way up the hill. My heart skipped a beat thinking maybe it was Ryan but it wasn’t. It wasn’t, it couldn’t have been. It would have been impossible.
The figure ran through the rain and I could see now that it was Jon. When he reached me I wiped my eyes with my sleeves, achieving nothing other than soaking my already-wet jacket. I looked into Jon’s face and felt a few more tears make a mad dash for freedom, he quickly wiped them away.
His toffee orbs studied my face. He wrapped his arms around me, bringing my head into his torso. I let out a sob and he rubbed my back soothingly. “Shh, Spencer, it’s ok.”
Another sob escaped me. “But it’s not ok Jon! It’s not ok!” I bawled I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs. I wanted to tear out my eyes. He was gone!
Jon shook his head and lifted my chin, forcing me to stare into his eyes. “Ryan would not want you like this and you know it. He would want you to be happy and move on.”
My lips quivered. I knew he was right, Jon was always right. But how could I move on? How could I just forget about Ryan? I couldn’t, he had made such a lasting impact on my life and he was gone. “I loved him Jon, loved him so damn much.”
He closed his eyes and sighed. “I know Spence, I know.”
But he didn’t know. He didn’t know how much I loved Ryan, no one did. No one understood how deep my love for the skinny boy went. Not even Ryan himself.
I closed my eyes again and felt a few tears make their slow crawl down my cheeks. I felt Jon’s fingers against my face once more, brushing away the tears. “Please don’t cry Spencer.”
“Why not?” I asked, my eyes still closed.
I felt soft lips press against my own. It was a quick peck, but I still felt the pressure of his lips on mine. I opened my eyes in shock and looked at him.
“Sorry, you just looked so…” His voice trailed off leaving the sentence unfinished.
I closed my eyes and pressed my lips eagerly to Jon’s. His kisses were nothing like Ryan’s. Ryan's were anxious; his lips set my senses on fire. Just Ryan’s touch made me tingle in anticipation. But Jon was calm and caring, he was gentle.
I broke our embrace and stared into his deep brown eyes. Maybe things would be ok. Maybe, just maybe I could make it through without Ryan. Maybe there was a light at the end of the tunnel.