Confiding in a friend, Gerard recalls his first time.
As for my absence, I guess I've just been a bit busy as well as burnt out. But I am in the process of writing the last chapter for 100 Ways.
Between You and Me
"I want you to tell me everything."
"Everything. Every little detail."
"Why do you need to know every detail?"
"Please, just bear with me."
Gerard looks into the searching eyes of his long time friend, and finds concern and a determination to help. He sighs, contemplating how hot the room suddenly seems. Yet somehow, he wishes for a smoke. A thousand excuses come to mind, a million reasons why he doesn't want to proceed with what he was being asked to do. But in the end, he knows its for the better and so he doesn't budge.
Really, he should have done this a long time ago.
"Okay." Gerard bows his head, his eyes now focused anywhere but straight ahead. They settled on the wooden floor of the cabin bedroom, staying there for a good while until he spoke. "Okay. Well, it was back when I was like fifteen..."
The bedroom around him fades. The beige walls covered in framed, stock paintings dissolve and vanish. The floor beneath him, the one his eyes had been so focused on, falls away.
What replaces his surroundings is a more familiar bedroom -- one that has whiter walls, and whose carpet floor is scattered with an array of papers and pages. There are pictures of old family and friends hanging from rusty nails. Sunlight comes in through a single tiny window, high above a hardwood desk. The desk is covered in incomplete sketches and random scribbles. There are a few school textbooks, unopened and collecting dust. Gerard is suddenly thirty pounds heavier. He looks down and sees that he's wearing nothing but a tattered black t-shirt and pajama pants. A stray hair falls down from behind his ear, greasy and black.
This was only the first time it happened.
Mark comes in, clean and immaculate in comparison to everything and anyone else in the room. His hair is a perfectly normal medium trim. His white skin does not shine with oil. He wears pants that aren't ripped jeans and shirts that are from expensive stores. His smile is... gleaming. He is gleaming.
Gerard is looking for a movie he wanted to put on. Mikey isn't home -- he was sleeping over at a friend's house. Mark is all his.
This makes Gerard eager, because Mark is Gerard's favorite cousin.
Gerard finds the video tape. He picks a particularly graphic movie, since his mom won't be home until late tonight, and he wants to take advantage of that. He looks at the cover and tries to read it, but his lack of memory at this part blurs the title out. He tries focusing on it for a while, but when it won't seem to occur to him, he gives up and moves on. He motions for Mark to follow him to the room with the "big television".
They watch the movie on a torn up couch and share a bowl of popcorn. They laugh at the same things and make snide comments at the characters. Gerard as always feels the need to impress Mark with his remarks, because Mark is older, and Gerard wants to seem as old as Mark is. It's only a three year difference, but to a teenager, it feels like the difference between a child and a man.
Once the movie starts nearing its end, Gerard notices that Mark has inched so closely to him, he may as well be sitting on his lap. Mark is staring at him, and something in that stare makes him nervous.
"Can I try something?" Mark asks, with a seemingly innocent intent.
Gerard nods, stupidly, without a second thought. Mark leans over him and grabs the waist of Gerard's pajama pants. He pulls them down, along with Gerard's boxers. He discards the batch of clothing onto the floor nearby.
Gerard backs away, shocked at the sudden exposure, but is still too stunned to say -- or for that matter do, anything. Mark grabs Gerard's limp dick by his hand and starts to stroke it between his thumb and index finger, while the rest of his fingers play around with Gerard's ball sack. For some reason, Gerard only hopes that Mark doesn't see the yellow-ish stains that were on the boxers he had removed.
"Umm..." Gerard is still backing away further, his sense of fear heightening.
"Shh." Mark grips his genitals harder, and then seeing as Gerard isn't getting any more aroused, he tries a different approach. He lowers his face between Gerard's legs -- one of which is still bent on the couch, and the other which is hanging off it. Mark then consumes Gerard's dick into his mouth and begins to suck on him. The sucking motion seems to pull the whole area between his legs in and out of Mark's mouth. His tongue is wrapping around Gerard's dick like a snake around a tree of Eden. Gerard can feel himself being swished around in a cesspool of Mark's saliva.
It is here that he comes to his senses fully, and tries to pull away. But Mark grabs him by the waist, being careful not to interrupt his feasting on Gerard's private area. He sucks on him even harder, and Gerard lets out an involuntary moan. As the sound escapes his lips, Gerard feels disgusted with himself.
Mark takes one hand off of Gerard's hip to slip under his ass. A finger submerges itself into the butt crack, feeling around for an entrance. When it finds the rim of the asshole, Gerard gasps.
It occurs to Gerard that this is rape, and in a panic, he tries to remember everything he could about rape. He managed to recall a conversation where someone had mentioned that it is not rape if you don't say no, or object in anyway.
Gerard tries to overcome the strange feeling this limp blowjob is forcing upon him. The wetness and the suction-like motions, they make him moan a second time. Mark's finger has busied itself with fingering Gerard's asshole simultaneously, and Gerard finds it terribly hard to string the words together: "Mark, please... don't... I don't want to do this."
Mark ignores him. He continues to lather Gerard's pelvic area in his juices, and he begins to introduce a second finger into Gerard's hole. As he isn't using any lube as of yet, this is quite painful. Gerard had never had anything going in his anal sphincter before, despite having had more than enough come out. He's certain he's shit out larger things that the size of Mark's two fingers, but somehow it feels as though he were shoving some much thicker bulk inside. The added pressure makes Gerard feel agonizing pain in even his tailbone. He whimpers a bit, and then asks Mark to stop again. And again, no response.
Finally relinquishing Gerard's soaked junk, Mark moves up to remove his shirt. Gerard finds some of his physical fight and tries to keep the shirt on by grabbing its bottom ends and pulling it down over himself. But Mark is stronger and overtakes Gerard's chubby arms with his muscular man power. Mark throws the shirt over Gerard's head, like the boxers and pants, discarding it to the floor.
Gerard is now completely nude, and would be stark white if not for the deep blush forming on his face, as well as the two puffy nipples perched on his chest. Mark takes a moment to remove his own clothes, while keeping Gerard trapped beneath him. When he awkwardly pulls down his pants, Gerard can see that he's already bulging -- and quite big.
While he had never had it before, Gerard knew enough about sex to know exactly where that thing was going to end up if this kept going. The thought of it scares him to tears, and he begins to cry openly.
"Calm down, this'll be done real fast." Mark assures him, while not sounding empathetic at all. Undressed, Mark forces Gerard to sit up and return the favor from earlier. Gerard tries not to vomit as Mark inserts himself into his mouth.
Gerard can only fit a few inches of Mark's dick into his mouth without tearing his whole throat open. Fortunately, Mark does not push into him much further. But the length that Gerard is forced to consume is sickening enough, let alone the stench of Mark's ball sac being right in his face. Mark strokes Gerard hair, petting him almost with affection. Or possession.
Its only while Gerard is forced to suck does he remember that Mark is his cousin, and the implications of committing such an act with a blood relative. This time, he can't do much to hold back a gag.
The gag perhaps scares Mark, as he pulls away shortly after.
"Get on the floor." Mark sneers at him, pointing to the carpet in front of them. Gerard remains frozen, huddled on the couch.
"Get on the floor, NOW!" Mark screams and he delivers Gerard a sharp punch in the stomach. Gerard screams, and the scrambles, or more like falls onto the floor pathetically.
"On all fours!" Mark demands, and this time Gerard doesn't wait to obey. He gets on his hands and knees, his stomach and breasts drooping down shamefully. Mark only remains in sight for a moment before he goes behind Gerard.
Something wet touches Gerard's asshole. Thinking that this was it, the dreaded penetration, Gerard's sobs become refreshed in volume.
"Please stop, oh god please...I can't do this..."
But Gerard soon realizes that it's actually Mark's tongue that is squirming its way into his asshole. It wiggles around in him like a piece of shit come to life. He removes it, and proceeds to lick more around his cheeks. Meanwhile, the fingers reinsert themselves. They stretch him out, and then are removed. The tongue is reinserted, removed, then replaced with the fingers. Mark is trying to stretch him out and lubricate him at the same time.
When Mark seems contented with his prep, he has some fun with spanking Gerard.
"Your ass is fun to spank." He remarks, "Such big cheeks."
He pinches one as he says this, and Gerard's feelings of humiliation and violation seem to spark up in a whole new way.
But the next hour was far worse than any spanking or pinching, as Mark decided it was time to dive in.
Its almost unexpected when Mark finally lines up his dick to Gerard's hole, and begins to push himself in. By this time, much of Mark's spit has dried up, and Gerard is left to endure a mostly dry penetration. The pain is immense.
"AGGGHHH! OH FUCK MARK STOP! NO! FU --- AGGGHH!"
No amount of pleads will sway him, or cease his push forward into Gerard's ass. Gerard --- fifteen, hurt, confused, and terrified --- feels like he might actually die right then and there.
Sobbing as his body is abused, torn up, and rammed into, Gerard wonders if anyone will come home to save him -- to stop this monster before he kills him. The idea that Mark might kill him only dawns on him then, but it is quickly overshadowed with the worse fear that this could go on for hours longer. From what Gerard can surmise, it is still early -- daylight can still be seen, and his mom does not usually come home until at least nine at night. Mikey would not be home at all.
Gerard's is distracted by Mark's hand grabbing his dick once more while he continues the thrusting. He could feel Mark's balls slapping his buttocks.
At one point, Gerard vomits.
He continues to scream, mostly incoherently. He knows by now that nothing he says will make Mark stop. His entire bottom half feels crushed in by Mark's dick. Gerard feels sure that he'll never be able to shit again properly, or maybe even piss. Mark has broken him.
It seems like hours until Gerard finally feels a twitching in his rectum, a twitch that comes from Mark's dick. Hes coming, and he announced loudly that he was doing so. At this announcement, Mark pushes himself deeper than ever before, like Gerard's cheeks are a door he's trying to break into with brute force. They scream together -- one scream of ecstasy, the other of agony.
When Mark pulls out of him, he flips Gerard over. Gerard trembles, because he believes this is when Mark is going to finish him off. But instead Mark says, "That was good. But say anything and I'm coming back for you... and maybe I'll take Mikey too."
Gerard only has time to shake his head weakly before Mark places a small face towel over his nose and mouth. It's wet. The liquid on it has an overpowering stench, and Gerard finds himself fading out into darkness.
The cabin is fading back. It's 2012 again and Gerard's hair is short and dark brown. He's sitting in this cabin bedroom, finishing his account. "...it was chloroform, obviously. I woke up in my room hours later. Mark was gone and mom had come home. She says that he said that I had fallen asleep on the couch. Of course he redressed me."
"And you didn't tell her?"
Ray sits on the bed across from him, the only other occupant of the room. His eyes are now colored with shades of pity and sorrow. His fingers play with each other restlessly. He looks anxious.
"No. I never told anybody." Gerard answers quickly, his voice hushed. "Until you of course. But that's only because you had to go snooping through my journals. I hope you're happy with what you've found."
"Oh come on." Ray sighs. "Don't be like that. It's good that this is out in the open. Now we can get you counseling, and--"
"No, Ray." Gerard interrupts, a low growl lacing his tone. "This is going to stay buried. It's bad enough you went looking through my shit, you at least owe me my privacy."
Ray stares for a moment, seeming dumbfounded. He tries retorting, "Really though? Not even Mikey? You guys are supposed to tell each other everything. Closest brothers in the whole fucking world, remember? How can you keep something this big from him?"
"Please, Ray." Gerard's voice softens, and so does Ray's expression. He sighs another heavy sigh, and nods.
"Okay, Gerard. Thank you, at least, for telling me what happened."
Gerard smiles, and Ray smiles back.
There is a knock on the door and Frank peers in, a beer in his hand.
"What the hell are you guys doing in here?", he yells from the other side.
"Just having a chat." Ray responds. "But we're done."
He looks at Gerard, and they both get up and rejoin the party just outside the door.