Gerard moves to England and the only way he can communicate with Frank is by writing letters. But every story has to come to an end. Even if that end is irreversible.
I’m sorry I haven’t had a chance to write to you since I moved. I wanted to let you know how much I hate it here in England. The uniform I have to wear to school makes me look like a twat and the weather is always cold and rainy. Not much different to the New Jersey weather, I guess. Mikey seems to be settling into his class really well! He’s in Year Nine which is the equivalent to Eighth grade back in America. I haven’t been getting on so well at school. I’m in Year Eleven and it’s not so much that people are giving me a hard time. The people here are surprisingly tolerant. But I’ve been excluded twice in the past three months for various fire-related incidents.
How’ve you been since we left? I miss you, Frank.
November 12th 1993
Three months it’s been without a letter. I genuinely started believing you had forgotten me or moved on. I was worried. Why did you have to go?
November 16th 1993
Frank, it’s only been three months since I moved here and know how important my dad’s job is, I didn’t have a choice to move. If it was up to me, I’d still be there with you.
England isn’t too bad, I suppose. You’d like it here, although there aren’t as many music shops here in Welwyn Garden City. In fact, there is barely anything interesting. WGC is a small town in the county of Hertfordshire but I don’t know how it is even classed as a ‘city’. Maybe when you come to visit we can go into London. The train ride is only about 40 minutes and I’ve never been before.
November 20th 1993
Nice to hear how you’ve been. Mom says I need to leave the house or she’ll stop me from writing to you. I don’t want to leave the house because you’re not here anymore. I just miss you too much.
November 23rd 1993
I wasn’t your only friend! What about Ray and Bob? Or Eric or Dez? Your mom is obviously worried about you. Go to the park or the shops or anything! You’re starting to worry me and that’s the last thing I want on my mind while I’m thousands of miles from you. I miss you too, but you’ll see me soon.
Mom, dad and Mikey say ‘hey!’
P.S, have you got that new blink-182 album released on the 18th? It’s awesome!
November 28th 1993
But I miss you so much, Gerard. I just feel so lonely without you. And no, my mom isn’t giving me any money until after Christmas. It’s made by blink-182 so of course it is going to be awesome. My mom has made me talk to a psychiatrist and I don’t like him. He keeps making me talk to him about you. When I talk about you, it upsets me.
December 4th 1993
Frank, guess what! Mom has arranged for your family to come and visit us out here over Christmas! I really wanted to visit NJ but I have so much I want to show you here in England. You’ll love my new house, too. Can’t wait to see you, I’ve even started to count down the days on my calendar. This will be the best Christmas ever. I can’t wait to introduce you to Owen and Bella. You’ll love them.
December 15th 1993
Awesome! Can’t wait! Sorry for such a long wait for my reply. Mom wouldn’t give me any money to buy stamps so I couldn’t post anything and I had to literally beg Grandma for any loose change. Five days until I see you again! You have no idea how much I’m looking forward to it and I have something I want to tell you. I forgot to say it on the day you left.
Love Frank xo
December 19th 1993
I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU TOMORROW, FRANKIE! I’M LITERALLY SCREAMING WITH EXCITEMENT AND MOM AND DAD HAVE TOLD ME TO RELAX BUT I CAN’T. I’ve tidied my bedroom and decorated the house with decorations and I spent all my money on your present. This Christmas is going to be perfect, I can already tell. See you tomorrow!
January 6th 1994
I’m sorry for ruining your Christmas. I didn’t know Bella was your girlfriend and I shouldn’t have told you anything. You have no idea how stupid I feel right now and I hope you can forgive me. By the way, the blink-182 CD is amazing. It’s my new favourite thing. (Well second favourite thing after my guitar)
January 9th 1994
Frankie, you didn’t ruin my Christmas at all! Bella overreacted; she shouldn’t have slapped you like that. After all, you only said you loved me. As for the kiss, I haven’t told anyone about it. It was nice. You’ll never stop being my best friend and I’ll keep writing to you as often as I can. Oh, and the Iron Maiden hoodie is the best. It reminds me of you.
January 13th 1994
I feel so stupid for everything over Christmas. Mom is still making me talk to the stupid psychiatrist who keeps telling me “my condition has worsened”. I don’t even know what my ‘condition’ is.
I’ve been excluded from school for two weeks because I punched Eric. I don’t really know why I did it, and I don’t even remember doing it. He probably punched me back and I’ve got amnesia or something. I don’t know. It was a blur.
I’m still sorry, Gerard.
January 17th 1994
If you say you’re sorry one more time I’ll…I don’t know what I’ll do but it won’t be pretty! I’ve dumped Bella. Well actually she dumped me. She was a bitch anyway. And as for the kiss, I keep dreaming about it. It just replays over and over in my head and that certainly isn’t a bad thing. When you kissed me, I felt this weird feeling I’ve never felt before. I think I love you, Frankie.
You punched Eric? Jesus Frank! Have you told your psychiatrist about it? Maybe he can help you control your anger next time you feel like hitting something. Eric will forgive you. He forgives everyone.
Miss you again,
January 22nd 1994
It’s a bit too late to tell me you love me. Oh well, I love you too.
Josh (my psychiatrist) has seen my scars and he’s making me go to hospital for a few weeks so I won’t be able to write to you. He said he’s never seen anything like it before and that I’m ill. I’m not ill because I feel perfectly fine. Well actually I don’t. But I don’t feel sick or anything.
Oh, and mom says that I’m not allowed to see you in your next break from school because she says you’ve made me like this. I told her she was wrong and that I loved you but she just got really angry and grounded me.
Please help me, Gerard. I’m scared. All these adults keep coming round to talk to me and I don’t like it. I don’t want to talk to them. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I only want to talk to you.
January 24th 1994
Don’t you dare hurt yourself ever again. You have no idea how much you last letter made me cry. You can’t do that to yourself. Please don’t do it, for me? Promise me you won’t do it. Frank, this is serious. You know I can’t help you because I’m all the way in England for fuck sake but just…I don’t even know anymore.
Maybe we shouldn’t write anymore if it’s making you like this. I can’t live with myself knowing you’re like this because of me.
I love you so much Frank.
February 7th 1994
Please don’t leave me. I’ve had enough of these doctors and all the stupid pointless pills! They are supposed to make me better but they aren’t working at all. Why can’t I just be happy? Why do I have to live in all this pain all because you moved away?
How could you do this to me? How can you leave me like this when I need you the most? Mom keeps shouting at me and dad doesn’t want to see me. Mom keeps telling me I need to sort my life out and that she is close to giving up on me. She said “Why do you have to make my life so hard? Why can’t you just stop it all?” I think that means she wants me to die. I don’t blame her. I want me to die, too.
February 10th 1994
Stop it! You’re scaring me so much! I love you Frank, just stop all of this. Stop it please! I don’t know what you want me to do. I just wish I could be there with you right now because it’s clear you need me. I want to give you the tightest hug and tell you everything will be okay. You’re not alone. You have me, okay? You are going to get better and I will make sure of that.
Hang tight, Frankie. I know you can do this. Do it for me.
Love you, Gerard x
February 14th 1994
Frank, please reply. I’m worried sick. I can’t eat knowing you’re like this. I’m in the process of begging mom to take me to see you. Just remember that I love you.
P.S. Happy Valentine’s Day.
February 20th 1994
This is getting ridiculous, Frank. Please just write back. Mom said she can’t get the time off work to take me to see you but you can always just call me. I don’t have your number because mom lost the address book but I know you have mine. I gave it to you over Christmas.
Remember the kiss? I miss that kiss.
Stop doing this to me. You know I want to be with you so much but I just can’t right now.
February 22nd 1994
I’m sorry I didn’t reply. Mom made me go and stay with dad for a few days. It was weird. I could tell something was wrong. One day she just packed up my clothes, called dad to pick me up and then sent me away. Dad wouldn’t tell me what had happened so I thought it was nothing. I thought maybe she just needed to be away from me for a while.
Them when I got home, I found a box of my Grandma’s stuff on the kitchen table and I picked up the photo frame on the top of the pile. It was a picture of me and Grandma when I was five. It was my Grandma’s favourite picture. She had told me that lots of times. My mom came into the room while I was looking at it and snatched it from my hands and said “She’s dead. She passed away.”
I think I collapsed because the next thing I remember, I was in hospital. It all got worse because then the Doctor Freeman (my personal doctor) saw my newer cuts and hold mom. She yelled at me and I tried to punch her, luckily Doctor Freeman held me back. Mom says I’ve lost it. She says I’ve gone mad.
I don’t know what I’m going to do now because Grandma was the only one who supported me. I’ve never felt so alone, now that I’ve lost you and her (the two people I loved the most). I miss her and I miss you. Please tell me what to do now? Because I’m really confused and all this pain is building up and it’s becoming unbearable. So unbearable that I just want everything to end.
February 24th 1994
You haven’t lost me. I’m here. I’m sorry I can’t help you when I know how much you need me. I’m worried and I’m scared. Please stop it. Listen to me: I love you so fucking much! You can get through this! What happened to the Frank I knew back in New Jersey. The Frank who never listened to anyone’s shit! The Frank who kept me happy when I was sad, the Frank who did whatever the fuck he wanted to.
This isn’t right. This isn’t like you. You can’t do this to me! You can’t leave me. You’re so perfect and wonderful and amazing. Don’t end something so beautiful. I’ve always looked up to you, Frank. I’ve always wanted to be like you. So strong. So grown up. So brave.
I don’t know what else to say, other than: I love you. Because I do. I’ve never loved someone so much.
March 1st 1994
Thank you for saying that stuff about me in your last letter. It means a lot to me, but it doesn’t change anything. I know you are going to hate me for saying this but I’ve given up. I’m fed up with the medicine, the hospitals, the doctors, the shouting, the pain. It’s all too much for me. Mom told me she didn’t love me anymore and that I should “just leave”. It was clear what she meant by that. She wants me to die. But no one wants me to die as much as I do. I hate myself for what I’m going to do.
And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that the last memory you had of me was a bad one. And I’m sorry for loving you. This is my letter to say that it’s the end. You’re the only one I’m writing too because you’re the only one I know will listen. Don’t bother trying to stop me; by the time you read this letter I will already be dead. I wish I could have hugged you, help you, kissed you one last time. Since the day you left, I’ve kept a photo of you in my pocket. You’re always going to be with me, right? You will never forget me, will you? You are the only one who stopped me from doing this sooner, but the pain is so bad. It hurts to breathe.
I wish it didn’t have to end this way. I wish I could have seen your face or heard your voice one last time. Never forget how much I love you, okay? Since I first met you in kindergarten I knew you’d be special. When you hadn’t left me I knew that I was kinda special to you, too. Maybe I actually meant something to you, I don’t really know.
Sorry for making you sad.
Sorry for being such a fuck up.
Sorry for ruining your life.
Sorry for loving you.
I know you’ll never forgive me; but just try. I’m going to be happier where I’m going. Funny how quickly things can change, isn't it?
Love Frankie xxx
P.S. I miss you.
March 3rd 1994
I received the phone call from your mother while I was reading your letter. She was sad, you know, that her own son had committed suicide. I guess she didn't know how bigger part she played in this whole thing. I know it’s pointless of me replying to your letter when you’re dead, but I needed to finish this. I need to tell you that…actually, I don’t know what I need to tell you. I let you die. It’s my entire fault. How did I let this happen?
I can’t describe how many emotions I am feeling right now, but here are a few:
I’m angry because I couldn’t help you.
I’m scared because not that you’re gone, I feel so alone. I’m lost without you, you know.
I’m distraught because you left me.
I’m distressed because people let you feel like this.
I’m confused because…how can you be gone? You’re my best friend. Best friends forever, remember? How can there be a ‘forever’ when you’re gone?
But I’m also slightly relieved. You’re safe and out of pain now. Nothing can hurt you; no more doctors or pills. No more tears and no more suffering.
You were hurting and you were broken but where was I to help you?
I told you not to apologise ever again.
I guess nothing matters anymore. My best friend is gone forever and I have to live with this anger for the rest of my life. I will never forget you, Frank Iero. There will always be that place in my heart especially for you.
But all this pain is gone. I can relax now; I know you would have wanted me to. I just wish you could have stayed on this earth just a little bit longer so I could prove to you that it does get better over time. Such an unfortunate end, isn’t it? Isn’t death such an unforgiving thing? As soon as it takes you, there is no coming back.
I’m going to be strong.
Just for you.
No one else.
And you’re going to be proud of me in the end. You’re going to be smiling down at me from way up in heaven. I’m going to get through this.
Just for you.
I miss you.
I love you.
I won’t forget you.
Love, Gerard xox
"But does anyone notice?
But does anyone care?
And if I had the guts to put this to your head...
But does anything matter if you're already dead?"- Early Sunsets Over Monroeville, My Chemical Romance