"You died fighting and that's all we Killjoys can ask for when it comes to death. To go down fighting the good fight."
Chapter Thirty One - Loss
It'd been a week since they'd lost Acid and since Avenger, Radio, Cyanide and Bob died.
Jet and Poison didn't talk much. Jet was in his room most of the time and only came out once a day to eat and so did Poison.
Kobra and Static had been taking care of Bandit. Poison loved his daughter more than anything, but Kobra and Static didn't think that he was in any position to raise a daughter at that moment. Poison knew that they were right and so they'd all agreed that for a little while, it was best if Kobra and Static looked after Bandit until Poison felt that he was stable enough to look after her on his own.
Death couldn't describe how much she wanted to drink, how much she just wanted to give up and feel the burn of the alcohol run down her throat, but no. She wouldn't do that to herself, not again. She couldn't do that to herself again. Not after she'd promised Avenger that she wouldn't drink to deal with the fact that she'd lost both him, her older sister and good Killjoys.
They were burying Radio and they'd made a cross for her with her real name and her Killjoy name on it. They'd also made crosses for Acid, Avenger, Cyanide and System (Bob) even though there was nothing to bury. While Lexia was technically still alive, she wasn't her anymore. In all of their eyes, Alexandria Wednesday Way had died in the Better Living headquarters in 2020.
Since there wasn't enough room on the cross to write something about them, they all decided to write notes to them and bury the notes.
Everyone wrote notes to all five of them. They didn't read out the notes, it was too emotional and hard for them to read out the notes they'd written for the people they'd lost and loved.
There was one person everyone couldn't help but feel sorry for. It wasn't Poison for losing his wife, or even Death for losing the one she loved and her sister in the same day. No. It was Bandit. The small child would never know what an amazing person her mother was and they all knew that Bandit would't know what it would be like to have a real mother. They knew that Poison wouldn't rush into a relationship, they knew it'd be a while for him to even consider the idea of being with someone else. It'd be a long time before he'd be in love with someone else.
Death read through the note to her sister with blood shot eyes. She'd barely slept and it was clear that she hadn't.
You don't know how hard this is. I'm not supposed to lose my big sister ever. You've always been there for me since we were kids and I never imagined losing you. When we lost mom and dad, you raised me, you fed me, even though I may have hated it at the time you home schooled me, you made sure that we had safe place to stay . . . you've been there for me since before I can even remember. And now you're gone.
I've been in this position twice now when we thought we'd lost you, but this time, I know that you're not coming back. You're never coming home and it's something I can't think about for too long. If I concentrate on it, then I'll have yet another one of my infamous break downs.
You've been here for me through think and thin and now it's just hard to come to terms with the fact that you're really gone. A part of me feels like you'll come back like you have before, but the other part knows I'm not gonna see you again.
I never got the chance to repay you for everything you've done for me.
I love you big sister and I already miss you. I miss you so fucking much that it hurts. But I promise you that I won't turn to booze like I have before. You and Avenger wouldn't want that.
I love you so so much. You'll live on in our memory, Lexia. Always.
Goodbye, big sister. I love you, I love you, I love you.
- Death Day
Rosanna Amelia Oliveson 'Vaimey'
Once the letter was ready, she moved onto the letter she had to write for Avenger. She knew it'd be hard. There was a lot to say to him and she didn't know if she'd be able to fit it all on one piece of paper.
I don't even know where to begin.
There's so fucking much to say, but I don't know how to put it all into words.
There's one thing that I need to say.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything that I've put you through, I've been a bitch to you, I've broken your heart, I've pushed you away when all you were trying to do was help, I've hurt you so many fucking times for no good or vaild reason. It's always been pointless and unecessary
I'm sorry that it took me so fucking long to realize that I was head over heals in love with you.
I'm sorry that when I was preggers, that I said I didn't want you involved. The kid . . . our son, he was yours too. I shouldn't have told you that you didn't have the right to be involved. I was just a scared little girl, like I've always been.
I didn't deserve you. I didn't deserve your love, I didn't deserve everything you that gave me.
And more importantly, I'm sorry you're dead. I know you said that it was your choice, but if I'd just kept my mouth shut, you'd be alive. You wouldn't have had to take the bullet for me. You'd be breathing right now and we'd still be together.
I was the one who got you killed and I'm sorry for that.
I loved, and still do love, you.
You were my bestfriend, you were the one I loved (boyfriend sounds too cliche and I feel like we were more than just boyfriend and girlfriend) and you were there for me even when I didn't deserve it.
It's gonna be impossible to forget you and even though the memories, the good and the bad ones, of us hurt I'd rather have the memories of you that I have rather than nothing at all.
You were an incredible person, Avenger, and I love you with every fucking cell in my body.
I'll see you on the other side, Avenger.
Avenger (or Daniel Lyellson) died a Killjoy. You died fighting and that's all we Killjoys can ask for when it comes to death. To go down fighting the good fight.
I love you, Danny. I love you so fucking much and I'll never forget you. Not now. Not ever.
I love you so fucking much.
- Death Day
Rosanna Amelia Oliveson 'Vaimey'
She wipped away the tears and grabbed all five letters. The letters to her sister and to Avenger were longest.
Everyone was outside, next to the crosses. No one was wearing black, everyone was wearing their brightest colours.
Poison was there, he looked like a mess, but then again no one looked like themselves. Everyone was mouring the death of the great girls and guys that they'd lost.
Ghoul and Lo had mainly been looking after Jeremy. Jeremy had been quiet, but Ghoul and Lo didn't know if was because his parents had died, if it was because what he'd been through or if Jeremy was just a quiet kid in general. Which ever one it was, they were worried about him.
In front of each cross, they dug up a small hole, no deeper than a foot, to bury the letters.
They just put the letters in the holes in silence. None of them knew what to say.
When everyone was finished, Poison decided to stay outside for a while. To anyone driving by, he'd look like a creepy guy, just staring at a cross, but when he started talking to the cross he probably would've looked even creepier.
"So, I know that you're not even dead. Technically, I guess you're alive, but you're not you anymore. We saw you change, fuck I can't get that image out of my fucking mind." He cringed when he thought of her on the floor. "I don't know if I can do this without you. I don't know if I can be a good father to Bandit, I don't know if I can move on from you, I don't know what to do anymore . . . I don't know about fucking anything any more and I can't even tell you how fucking scared I am, Lexia."
He just stared at the cross with tears burning his hazel eyes.
"I love you and I wanted to save you, but I couldn't. I know that we agreed to disagree, but I still think this was my fault. I lied to you and because of that, you're gone. I lost my wife, Death lost her sister, Bandit lost her mother . . . we all lost you because of me. If I'd just told you . . . you'd be okay."
He wipped away the tears.
"I promised you that I'd remember, but Lexia, it's impossible to forget. I don't know why you thought that I'd ever forget you, I mean look at what we were. We were married, we had a daughter together and even if I wanted to, I'd never be able to forget that. You're the only person that I've ever been in love with, a part of me knows that you're the only person I'll ever be in love with. I'll remember, you know I will, but how the fuck can I move on?"
He wanted a reply, but of course, there wasn't one.
"This doesn't even really make any sense, does it? Probably not, I've not slept since . . . the Better Living incident." He didn't want to say her death.
"Poison." Death said, standing a few feet away from the diner.
"How long have you been standing there?"
"Long enough. You need some sleep."
He nodded. "I know, but so do you." He shot back.
They paused. "Poison?" Her eyes were teary.
"When is it gonna stop? When is all this fucking bad shit gonna stop happening?"
He shook his head. "I don't know."
Poison never really realized how much Death resembled his wife, because she looked like her, he found it hard to look at Death.
"What is it?"
"Nothing. I just never realized how much you looked like her before."
She looked down. "I know I do and right now, I can't even stand to look in the fucking mirror because of it."
He regretted what he'd said. "I'm sorry I didn't-"
"It's not your fault."
They were silent for a few moments.
"One more thing. When is this gonna stop hurting? When is all the pain gonna fucking stop?"
He shrugged. "All honesty, I don't think it ever will. When ever we think about everyone we've lost, the pain's still going to be there. I'm sorry, Death, but from personal experience, I don't think it's ever really gonna go away."
Death hugged her brother-in-law. Poison didn't know what to do with his, in all honesty, he didn't even really know her as well as he probably should've, but he hugged her back.
"I miss them, Gerard." She said, using his real name.
"I know. I miss them too."
"I loved him. I fucking loved both of them. None of this shit's fucking fair at all."
"None of this has ever been fair. Even before Better Living, life wasn't fair. Bad stuff happened to good people, but that's just life. Bad shit happens and we have to find some way to deal with it. If we wanna live, if we wanna be there for the people who we do have left, then we need to find a way to deal with this."
"You know, in all the years that I've known my sister, the happiest times in her life were always with you and Bandit. I know she loved the two of you more than anything."
He smiled sadly. "And I know that she loved her little sister more than anything, too."
She smiled too. "I know."
She hated herself. Words couldn't describe how fucking much she hated herself for what she was about to. For what she was about to do to him after everything he'd done for her, after all the times that he'd said he loved her, she was about to hurt him.
"Ghoul?" Lo's week voice said.
Ghoul and Lo were lying on the bed, Lo snuggled into his side. That was where she'd stayed for the past week.
"You know that I love you, right?"
He nodded and kissed her forehead. "I know you do."
"And you know that I wouldn't ever want to hurt you unless is was absolutely needed, right?"
He nodded again. "I know."
"So when I say this, you won't fucking hate me, even though I probably more than deserve to be hated."
She sat up, her red eyes tried and filled with depression.
"Are you okay?"
She shook her head and put a fake smile on her face. "No. I'm not. My whole life, she's been there, Ghoul. Whenever I've needed it a slap in the face to realize I'm being stupid, she's the hand that's bitch slapped me. Whenever I've needed a shoulder to cry on, she's the shoulder I cried on. Whenever I've needed someone to talk to, she's been the ears that's listened to me. My whole life, I've been dependent on her and now that she's gone, I'm fucking dependent on you."
"It's understandable, Lo, it's only been a week since-" She cut him off.
"Ghoul, I can't say how fucking sorry I am for doing this, but... I need sometime alone. I need to get away from here and breathe. I need to stand on my own two feet for a while."
It hit him like a ton of bricks. "Lo . . . are . . . are we breaking up?"
She silently cried. "I don't want to, Frank. You know that I love you and that if I didn't have to do this, then I wouldn't, but Ghoul . . . I need to do this. I need to get away for a while and gain some independence."
He paused. "How long will you be gone for for?"
"Ghoul, it's not fair for you to have to wait for me."
"Because you shouldn't have to. You deserve better than that. You deserve someone better than me."
"How can you say that?"
"It's the truth. You shouldn't have to wait for me. I don't even know how long I'll be. It could be years, Ghoul. I could need a long time to heal from this."
"Then I'll wait years. Do you know how much I fucking love you, Lo? If that's what it takes, then that's what it takes. I'll do it."
"That's the thing. It shouldn't have to take anything, Ghoul."
He wrapped his arms around her. "I'll wait. I love you, Lenah."
"I love you, Frankie. I love you so fucking much."