Turns out Killer had something more in mind than Pretty Boy thought.
So part of me felt bad for staying so angry at him, but he deserved it! He got a blow job from some other guy. So what if he didn’t want the general to find out? I’d rather him find out than have Private Pretty Boy angry at me! Okay, so obviously I wasn’t mad enough to even call him Private Rebel in my head. But still. He deserved my contempt. He really did. It’s what he got for cheating on me.
Okay, I know it wasn’t really cheating on me, since we weren’t together. But a part of me gets so… ugh! When he even talks to other privates. I want him all to myself. I met him first! I flirted with him first, I kissed him first! No one is allowed to have him, but me. Okay, I sound possessive… but dammit, I have a right!
As I sat there in the mess hall with the other officers, it took every bone in my body not to turn and stare at him: blatantly stare at him. I got called into General Smith’s office and sighed. I looked over at Private Pretty Boy and saw him laughing and talking to the general’s son! So not only did he cheat on me by way of getting a fucking blow job from another guy, but now he was flirting with the general’s son! The general’s son isn’t even gay, for fuck’s sake.
I walked into the general’s office, almost fuming, but hiding it well. He gestured for me to sit, so I did. He looked down at a paper in his hand and then looked at me, “So Urie, I know you’ve become friends with my son. And, in turn, I’d like you to be my spy,” he organized the papers on his desk by tapping the edges on the desk. He then looked at me again, “He claims he has a girlfriend back home that he emails and talks to a lot, but I’ve seen him eyeing other men. This is simply unacceptable. I will not discharge him for liking men, but as my son, it’s unfair and unacceptable. Do you hear me?”
“Sir, yes, sir,” was all I said. So there was a chance Private Pretty Boy and Private Killer would get together. That, in itself, would kill me. It would be the death of me. I could just imagine them together. Kissing and cuddling and it took every fiber of my being not to start crying and throw the chair to the ground.
“Tell him I need to see him.”
“Sir, he’s eating lunch, sir.”
He laughed, “Sure. Tell him I need to see him… now. No excuses, Urie, or it’s your ass on the line,” he raised an eyebrow. Sure, I’d become close with the general, but he could still discharge me and whatever for being gay or for talking back. So I’d stay loyal, no matter what.
I hesitated, “Sir, can I ask you a question?”
He raised an eyebrow, “Go ahead.”
“Would you discharge someone for being gay?”
“As a General, I have to say yes. But as a person, I’d say no. I’d pretend there was never any evidence,” he shuffled the papers, “As long as I wasn’t told by the gay person myself that they were gay, it’s as if it never passed my ears,” he nodded to me knowingly.
I bit my lip, “Sir, yes, sir,” I got up from my seat and headed to the door. I paused, thinking that I should ask him something else, but decided against it and walked out. I went over to the table Private Killer was sitting at and tapped on his shoulder. As I spoke to him, I was careful not to look at Private Pretty Boy, despite how much I was dying to. When the male that separated me from Pretty Boy left, I had no other choice but to look at him.
And fuck was he sexy and beautiful and I just wanted to ravish him. FUCK. I cleared my throat, spoke a few words to him before I left. I wanted him to know how I felt. He wasn’t going to cheat on me. Not now, not ever. Well, not again anyway. I realized as I walked away that I sounded possessive and like I wanted him all to myself… Well, I did. But I didn’t want to come off as possessive. At the same time, I didn’t want to look stupid and turn back around.
So I kept going. The next morning, I ate breakfast with the officers and kept glancing over at Private Killer and Private Pretty Boy. They were laughing and giggling and smiling at each other. They were touching each other. They were… THEY WERE FLIRTING. I wanted to run over, I wanted to pull them apart. REBEL KNEW DAMN WELL HOW I FELT! But I didn’t. I just watched. Killer caught my eye and shook his head. I looked back down and just looked at my food.
“So Brendon?” came a voice next to me. My head snapped over and he laughed, “What’s your take?” My take? My take on what? I just stared at him blankly and he shook his head, “We’re talking about who we think will come out of the closet when DADT gets repealed. Who do you think will?”
I shrugged, poking at my food, “I don’t know. I try not to judge,” at which point everyone laughed. If they all knew… I’d be so screwed. Maybe the general didn’t care that I was gay (now that I knew he knew) but everyone else would. I got up and looked at them, “I think it’s rude that you guys are,” I walked off, running into Private Pretty Boy as he got up from his table, “Shit, sorry.”
“Sir, that was my fault, sir,” he saluted me. And I felt like a complete ass. He wouldn’t even talk like a normal person to me anymore. He acted like I was above him. I mean, I was. But that didn’t mean anything to me when it came down to it. We just stared at each other for a long time.
I finally asked, “Are you fucking him?” it was blatant, but it was what I needed to know. Were they fucking? Were they an item? Because if they were, I needed to know. If I didn’t know, it would kill me. I really hoped he’d tell me. But the question was so very abrupt that I wasn’t sure if he would answer me or just walk away.
He blinked a few times, “We’re friends. Is that wrong now? Am I not allowed to have friends either? Is that cheating on you? I’m sorry that I don’t want to be lonely. I’m sorry that my desire to have a friend means I’m cheating on you, because I didn’t think it did. But please, let me know. Is it wrong for me to have a friend? Is having friends cheating on you?”
His voice was cold and harsh. He was mad at me. He was mad at me for being mad at him for cheating on me? What kind of logic was that? There was no logic in that. I just stared at him, “Why are you mad at me?”
He laughed humorlessly, “Well, let’s see. First of all, I’m fucking in love with you and you won’t listen to me. Second of all, I make a friend and you act like we’re a couple, so now I’m cheating on you because I’m laughing with someone else. Third, I let some guy give me a blowjob because I didn’t want you to lose your job. Fourth, you’re acting like I’m fucking dirt. So why am I mad at you? Oh, I don’t even fucking know.”
I was quiet for a while. He took my silence as ignorance and walked away, hitting my shoulder in the process. I winced and turned to watch him walk away. Okay, so this went from him being the asshole to… somehow I’m the asshole now? This made no sense in my head, but I sighed and walked away. Great, now I had to deal with angry Pretty Boy. I didn’t want to apologize! I had no reason to apologize!
‘Are you cheating on me?’ ‘Are you fucking him?’ ‘Do you care about me?’ Talk about a fucking needy girlfriend. Seriously. I didn’t see Killer that way at all. He was a fucking friend, nothing more, and Lieutenant Sexy needed to see that, or at least acknowledge it. I love him and no one else. Why can’t he see that?
After I walked away, I wanted to turn around and hug him and tell him that I was sorry for getting mad at him. But I wouldn’t. It wasn’t my turn to apologize. I’d apologized enough for what I did and now it was his turn. If he wasn’t going to apologize, then he wasn’t worth my time…
I realized I had no reason to be mad at him… Or no, I so did, but I didn’t want to be mad at him anymore. It was so hard to be stay mad at him! As I turned around to say something more, he had walked away. I guess that was for the best. Maybe I shouldn’t have apologized for yelling at him… He deserved it! Yeah, damn right, he deserved it. I turned back around and kept going.
A few more days passed and we didn’t talk at all. Killer and I got closer. It was awesome. He and I had so much in common. We were sitting on his bunk after lights out and we were talking in whispers. Everyone else was asleep. After a joke I told, he couldn’t stop laughing. He placed his arm on my shoulder to try to keep himself steady. When he finally did stop laughing, his face was close to mine and everything was silent.
I bit my lip briefly before I looked around me with my eyes. It was a little too quiet. I wasn’t sure what to say. But I was cut off by his lips on mine. I gasped, not sure what to do. I didn’t want to kiss him. I wanted to kiss Lieutenant Sexy! But if Sexy found out about this, I’d be dead. He’d be so upset that he’d never want to see me ever again, even when he got back from Iraq. He’d hate me. He’d hate me forever.
I pushed Killer off and shook my head, “Spencer,” I whispered, “I… I can’t…” I hesitated, “I’m sorry…” and he shrunk back, looking down at his legs. I didn’t know what to do. He knew I was gay, but he didn’t know that I loved Sexy. Sexy meant the world to me and I couldn’t do this to him, not again.
He looked sad as he looked back up at me, “I didn’t think I was… you know… But I kept looking at you and the way you reacted to the things I said, I thought you felt the same… I… I didn’t… I feel so stupid, I’m sorry… I’ll just… Wait, this is my bunk… You can leave. I just… You don’t ever have to talk to me again.”
“Spencer…” I whispered, “It’s not that I don’t like you because I would… It’s just that I like someone else…” I didn’t know how to say that I was in love with Lieutenant Sexy. Killer would tell me I was stupid or idiotic, or that it was just infatuation. Maybe it was just infatuation, but I had something with him… Fuck, why did I have to mess it up?!
“I get it… But I just… You don’t even have a chance with Lieutenant Sexy,” he muttered, crossing his arms, “He would never even look at you that way. I do, I will. So why can’t you just… Never mind, I’m not going to force you to like me. Just leave,” he curled into a ball under the covers and I sighed.
“I do have a chance with him, Spence… But explaining that would take way too long,” so I got up and walked out of the barracks, running to mine. I snuck in and climbed into my own and went to sleep. I felt so bad for Killer. I didn’t want to just flat out reject him like that, but I didn’t have much of a choice.
And now I was left with no friends… once again. This sucked. No one actually wanted to be friends with me. At lunch the following day, I watched as the ceremony of deployment went on. The soldiers all marched out after the ceremony and I took a deep breath before I got up. I headed outside and found Sexy by himself. I cleared my throat, “Bren?” I whispered.
He spun around and looked at me. At the same time, we both took deep breaths and in unison, we yelled, “I’M SORRY I GOT MAD AT YOU!” both of our faces turning bright red. I wanted to hug him, to kiss him, to tell him that I never wanted to cheat on him ever again, that I never would. But we couldn’t. He was leaving and I might never see him again. He could die… And now I was depressed. This could be the last time I’d ever see him alive. A tear fell down my cheek and his eyes widened, “Why are you crying? Don’t cry!”
“You could die…” I whispered, “I mean, I’ve told you countless times that I love you, but you’ve never said it to me… and this could be the last time that I see you alive…” such a depressing thought, I know, but I couldn’t help but think it.
He looked around him before he pulled me into his arms and kissed the side of my head, “It won’t be. I’ll see you again… I promise. I’m not going to die…” he pulled away and wiped my tears, “I have to go,” he left me a chaste kiss on the lips before he ran off. He then turned to me and hand signed ‘I’ ‘heart’ ‘you’. I smiled and sniffled through my tears, signing it back to him.
Of course we’d make up just as he left. Fuck my life.
A/N: Wow! I got five reviews in one day! That makes me so happy! I love you guys. heart As promised, five reviews equals an update. So here's your update. :) Remember: Five reviews equals an update!