Ryan is found hurting after a three year absence. //Rydon//
Trust is easily won, easily broken, but hard to rebuild. I remember how easily I trusted him. He seemed to be so eager and so nice about everything. It should have felt fishy to me, but it didn’t. I thought that, maybe, for once, I’d found friends that I’d have forever. But nothing lasts forever; we learn that the hard way. When the band split, we went our separate ways. Jon started a solo career and I sat in my house, stewing in my own sweat and body odor because I just didn’t care. I could have killed myself. Why didn’t I? Because I honestly just didn’t care enough to.
Fast forward a few years. My hair’s longer; I probably have a beard that I’m not aware of because I haven’t looked in the mirror for three days. The two had released a third album, and then a fourth, also having added two new members to the band Spencer and I had started originally. I was forgotten, as it should have been. Part of me was okay with that, but the other part of me wanted to show up on Brendon’s doorstep and knock until he answered. And when he did, I would just yell “REMEMBER ME!” but obviously, that’s not a good idea, so I didn’t do it. Besides, he lives all the way in Malibu. That’s an hour away. I’m not going to get into my car just to visit someone who probably doesn’t even remember I exist.
However, I soon was confronted with the man as he approached my doorstep. This was much unexpected. Maybe he did call me, but I had my phone buried under my mattress to avoid any calls I didn’t want: all of them.
I didn’t bother to shave or tidy up before answering the door. I didn’t care who was there or what they had to say. I was only answering to tell them to go away. Opening the door, my mouth was left agape when I saw Brendon standing there. I had planned to tell him to go away, but nothing came out of my mouth. He wasn’t just standing there; he was holding flowers and a box of chocolates. What on earth? Was I dreaming?
Assuming this wasn’t real, I went to close the door, but he slammed his hand to the door, “Ryan, wait. Don’t shut me out. Just hear me out.”
I nearly cringed upon hearing my name that he hadn’t said in years. He wanted me to hear him out? What the hell was this? I looked at him, “Why should I?”
“I’ll explain if you let me in. I just want to talk to you. And I’m not looking for forgiveness. I just need to talk to you…” he whispered quietly.
“You have an hour,” maybe an hour was too much, I thought, as I opened the door for him. I had no idea why I was giving him the time of day when he couldn’t even bother to contact me for, what, 3 years?
“Okay, uh… Let me go put these in water,” he walked inside. He had been talking about the flowers he was holding. Put them in water? Please. I didn’t even want flowers. They’d die within a few hours anyway.
“No, your hour started as soon as you stepped foot into my house, so I’ll put them in water, you follow and talk,” I walked away from the door, allowing the other to close it behind him before following me.
“Okay, first and foremost, I wanted to tell you that I am in love with you,” which caused me to drop the flowers and turn to him and he continued, “I know I can’t expect love in return, which I’m not. But it’s been eating away at me because I had to tell you… I get it, though, you probably hate me and I’m wasting my breath, but Ryan, I made the biggest mistake of my life three years ago. I—”
“No, Brendon, no, you cannot come into my house and proclaim your love for me. That’s not fucking fair,” I grabbed the flowers, threw them into the sink and turned to him, “You think you can just come here and tell me ‘Oh, I’m madly in love with you!’” I spoke mockingly, “and expect everything to be happy dandy? Well, news flash, jackass, life doesn’t work that way.”
“No, I didn’t expect everything to be happy dandy,” he put the chocolates down and moved a few steps toward me, which incidentally put him right in front of me, “Think about it, you idiot. Think about all the fun times we had. Our first kiss, the first time we wrote a song together, the first time we said that we loved each other, the first time we slept in the other’s bunk during tour because it was more comfortable? Come on, think about it…”
Our first kiss…? I hadn’t thought about that in years. And the memory came flooding back.
“Ryan… She’s not worth your time if she cheated on you with some guy at prom…” Brendon told me as he was kneeling down in front of me, as I had my knees to my chest, my face in them, and my arms wrapped around my legs, “Come on, let me see you smile.”
I refused to look up. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want the other guys to see me crying. Though, I didn’t know that Spencer and Brent were upstairs, doing God knows what. That’s when Brendon put his hands on either side of my face and lifted my face from its comfy little home. I opened my eyes and looked at him, “But she… she told me she loved me.”
“Well, then that was a lie. Because if she loved you, she wouldn’t have done that. You’re a great guy, Ry. Any girl that cheats on you is a piece of shit. I wouldn’t cheat on you… I mean, well, that’s a relationship that would never happen, right?” he chuckled.
Though that was the first time I had ever felt that I had a chance to actually do something about the crush that had been growing like wild fire over the past few months since I’d met him, “You wouldn’t?”
Brendon blinked a few times and looked at me strangely, “But, that’s… not… going to happen…”
“Do you want it to?” I whispered quietly. I may still be upset about being cheated on, but I wasn’t going to miss my only chance at being with the man that I’d fallen so hard for months ago.
The next move wasn’t so much unexpected, as it was just surprising because I was the one that wanted to do it, but I was okay with the outcome. I watched as he moved closer to me and soon felt his lips pressed against mine. I moved my knees down and kissed him back, moving hand to the back of his neck, messing with the little hairs that were laying there.
When we finally pulled away, I pouted, “I wanted to kiss you first.”
“Too bad,” he tapped my nose and went in for another kiss, which just made me smile. That was the best kiss I’d ever had in my life. And it made me wonder why I hadn’t just gone for it sooner.
Just remembering made me a little teary and I looked down, now remembering the song we wrote together. It was a piece of shit that we made into a song, but never put it on the album.
“What’s a plant that grows… but doesn’t die?” Brendon pondered, rubbing his chin with one hand, a pen in the other. He then looked over at me, “Come on, you’re good with lyrics.”
“Uh… I don’t know,” I thought about it for a while before it came to me, “Juniper trees symbolize longevity and protection… So we can say…” I trailed off as I wrote down a line on the paper, “Our love is as strong as the… juniper tree? That sounds stupid though.”
“I like it,” he leaned over and kissed my cheek.
I put it down and looked at him, “Do you?” I grinned and kissed him on the lips, climbing into his lap, “Good,” I snaked my arms around him and kept kissing him.
Sighing, I looked at Brendon, unable to say anything, only remembering the first time that we admitted we loved each other.
That night, I’d tell Brendon that I was in love with him, that I loved him, which scared me, but it had to be said, it had to be done. We were backstage at the gotv set. It was 2006, so our popularity had only just spiked. We were going to be introducing some of our favorite videos. And we knew which ones we would do, so it would be rather simple. I went toward Brendon to surprise him when I heard him talking to Jon.
“I hate when they scratch. Jesus, during sex, Audrey made me bleed she scratched me so hard. I mean, honestly, can’t they just grasp the sheets or something? I wouldn’t be surprised if I still had scars from that!”
Jon was quiet and looking at me as my face turned to one of betrayal. I couldn’t see Brendon’s face, but he turned toward me and his eyes widened. I backed up a few steps and shook my head, “You lied to me.”
“Ryan, wait, please!”
I took a deep breath and ran off. I couldn’t believe it. Brendon had told me that he was a virgin when the two of us had sex for the first time. But he wasn’t. He’d slept with Audrey. It’s not like I was a virgin. But I was upset that he lied to me. How dare he!
“Time to get into places!” the director yelled and the four of them went to take their seats. When Ryan got there, the only open seat was next to Brendon. So I sat, but stayed as far from him as was possible in the seat, staying closer to Spencer. The video went on as usual, but the two of us accidentally caught each other’s eyes in the middle and when he looked away, I felt myself mouth the words ‘I love you’, not that he could see or that he would even care. He lied to me.
After the video was over, I hopped up and ran to the bathroom, locking myself in there. I didn’t want to be near Brendon right now, the stupid asshole. But there was a knock at the door, “Go away!” I yelled, not caring who was behind it.
“Ryan…” it was Brendon. Of course, “Let me explain… Please…”
“Fine…” he walked away. A few weeks later, we saw the show on the TV. I refused to even look at Brendon, let alone talk to him, so I wasn’t watching it with them. While we were watching it, Brendon caught me mouthing the words and he gasped, “Wait, hold on, rewind a little.”
“Brendon, it’s TV, we can’t do that.”
Grumbling, Brendon got up and went to the computer to try and find the video online. He did, easily. He went to that segment and went through it over and over and over again. At this point, I was in my bed, curled in a ball, so I didn’t care what was going on at all. Brendon came over to me after setting the laptop down. He climbed over me so he could look at my face, “Ryan?” “Go away.” “I told you I was a virgin and that was true—” “So you had sex with Audrey while we were together?” “No! I was a virgin to…” he paused, “gay sex. So I wasn’t lying. I didn’t think it made a difference. I’m sorry that it did. And, Ryan…” he smiled, “I love you too,” he leaned over and kissed me on the forehead because he couldn’t reach my lips.
My head snapped up and I kind of sat up and looked at him, “What?” I whispered quietly.
“I saw the video. I know you said it… And I’m saying it back…” he gave me a smile, “I love you—”
I couldn’t help myself from leaning over and kissing him on the lips and climbing on top of him, “I love you too…” I murmured softly, straddling his hips.
Brendon probably had the same memory and his brow furrowed, “Okay, so maybe that wasn’t the best… memory to try to win you back with. The first time we said I love you, I mean… But the other ones…”
I sighed and leaned against the counter, staring down at the ground.
“Ryan, I’m cold… Come sleep with me…”
I looked over at him across the way from my own bunk and laughed, “I’ve been sleeping in the same bunk as you for a few days now…”
“You don’t think it’s comfy? Maybe we should just permanently share a bed… I like waking up to your face…”
I laughed and got out of bed and climbed into his, “I like that idea.”
I finally looked back up at him, “Brendon, you can’t just come in here all willy nilly and try to win me back with good memories. We went through too much shit when the band broke up to win me back. You fucked me over. Do you not get that?”
“I get that, and I know, and I’m sorry. I know you probably won’t forgive me, and I don’t deserve it, but I just had to say it. It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m here with you, instead of with my fiancée.”
“Oh, great, you have a fiancée now,” I muttered, turning back to the sink. I grabbed the flowers and placed them in a vase that I filled with water.
“Truth is, I don’t love her… I don’t think I can, as long as I hadn’t told you how I still felt. But if, after today, I can’t have you, I’m going to marry her. And there’s not much you can do about that… Well, there is… But it involves you giving me a second chance…”
I wanted to give in. Every fiber of my being wanted to give in, but I couldn’t. Not that easily. Not after everything. I shook my head, “Brendon… What about what you said on the last day we saw each other? The day the band split? Your words exactly: ‘I never loved you. I’m not even gay.’ What about that?” I asked, the memory bringing tears to my eyes, “Do you know how much that hurt me?”
“Wait a second, here,” I put my hands up, “So you guys are telling me that you think my lyrics are shit now and that you can’t sing them, Brendon? Is that really what I’m hearing? What about us? What about us together? Does that mean anything to you anymore? You haven’t fucking slept with me in weeks, hell, months. So please explain to me.”
Brendon gave off a humorless chuckle as he stepped toward me. No one else was there but me and Brendon, unfortunately, “Listen up, here, buddy, I never loved you. I’m not even gay. In fact, I just joined your band because I wanted to get famous. And when you made me singer, I realized that if we got famous enough, the only person that would need to stay in the band would be me. You are replaceable. I was never in love with you. Ever,” he grinned, “In fact, I’ve been fucking girls all the time while I’ve been with you. You were just… convenient.”
I couldn’t even respond to that. I just stared at him for a long while before I finally could, “I was… convenient? What about all the things you said? All the time we spent together? It meant nothing to you?”
“Pretty much. Ever since that first day of our relationship, I knew I could fuck you over. And I fully intended to. Pretty good actor, aren’t I?” he laughed, “I bet you never saw this coming. I bet every time I had my dick in your ass, you were thinking it was love. Oh, Ryan, I love you so much. But no, it wasn’t. It was lust. Like I said, you were convenient. You know that song you wrote? She Had the World? Your own lyrics… ‘I don’t love you, I’m just passing the time. You could love me if I knew how to lie. But who could love me, I am out of my mind?’ Story of my life. And you never loved me. You loved the guy that I was pretending to be. So news flash, moron, you fell in love with a figment of my imagination. So h—”
I couldn’t hold back the fist that went swinging toward him, knocking him to the ground, “I hate you, Brendon Boyd Urie. I never want to see your face again,” and, with that, I stormed out, running into Jon, “Jon, Brendon’s a dick. I’m leaving the band, I think you should too, and so should Spencer.”
“You heard me!”
“Eh, I kind of wanted to leave anyway, so I’m down.”
“Good,” and with that, I was off.
“I know what I said, Ryan… And it’s inexcusable… Really, the only… excuse I can think of… I was ashamed of being in love with a guy. I grew up Mormon, you know… Everything I said was a lie… But I think another part of it… I thought you were going to break up with me… Because you had been so happy with Keltie and you were so upset when she broke up with you. I thought I was going to lose you because you would have rather been with a girl… And I never approached you about it… So I jumped to conclusions… After you left, I didn’t feel bad at the time… But a few months down the line, after thinking that I actually didn’t love you because I had forced myself to think that, I broke down. We were in the studio, writing an album, and I couldn’t even function. I was crying and yelling at everything and everyone… Spencer finally got me up and took me to a room and just let me cry… And I was trying tell him what was wrong. He heard me say your name and he immediately said to me ‘Go to him then. Talk to him.’ And I couldn’t. You said that you hated me and I couldn’t face you again. And I know that you haven’t been watching interviews or anything of that sort, but I’ve been miserable…” he sighed and looked down at his hands, “I knew that if I had you back, I’d be happy again…”
I didn’t even know what to say. Here Brendon was, the love of my life, professing that he did love me, and the reason why he did that to me was because he was afraid I didn’t love him. This guy had to be the stupidest guy on the planet, but I was madly in love with him and I didn’t want to be. I wanted to hate him. I wish that I could actually hate him, but I knew that I couldn’t.
“So what do you say, Ryan? All I’m asking is that you accept my apology and my love… I’m not saying that you forgive me and immediately fall into my arms and be with me forever, because I know it won’t come that easily…”
It took me a long time staring at the ground. Less than an hour ago, I was thinking about how much I hated the guy. And now, he looks amazing. He’s sexier than ever before, he’s… He’s Brendon. How could I turn him down? I took a deep breath and looked up at him, “If I do… What does it mean? What exactly will it all come out to?”
“I’ll take you back into Panic! if you want… And we’ll go on dates and I’ll show you that I mean it…”
“You said that you were acting…”
“I wasn’t. You can’t fake that kind of thing, Ryan… It’s not possible… Please…”
Taking a deep breath, I felt as though I was signing my death certificate, but I slowly nodded, “I accept… Now will you tell your fiancée that you have a new fiancée?”
“Get out of here. You’re picking me up Saturday at seven,” I pushed him out the door, “Bye bye.”
He flashed me a grin and leaned over to kiss my cheek and whisper, “Thank you,” before he walked out to his car.
I took a deep breath and sighed. This was going to be a perilous journey ahead of me. Trust is easy to obtain, easy to break, hard to rebuild. But this is Brendon. Would it be easy to rebuild trust? I doubt it, but I can hope, can’t I?
A/N: I wrote this a LONG time ago. It's just a one shot. It's not gonna go anywhere. I don't actually think this will happen or that that's what happened between them. It was just... I don't even know. If you've read/read my other stuff, you've seen/will see that I've improved. A lot. But yeah, I hope you enjoyed. Review pretty please~