“Did I ever mean a damn thing to you?”
(Approximately six years later.)
The blood lingered in my mouth from previously biting my lip when I fell in the shower, after getting a ridiculously bad headache. I thought I was dying, from the overwhelming pain that had filled my head. It turned out something worse was happening. For the past year I’d known something was wrong. I’d been remembering small bits of my past and for me that was weird, very weird… seeing as how I’d lost my memory during high school, shortly before I became pregnant with my son, Adam. None of the memories meant anything so I didn’t even bother talking to my regular doctor about it, not wanting to get anyone’s hopes up.
How could I be so calm? Okay, so I wasn’t calm at all. My mind was just playing tricks on me, making me think I was calm. I mean, after seven shots of Vodka things started getting a little blurry, a little less realistic.
I’d dropped the bottle quite a while ago, forcing the scent of Vodka to become overwhelming in the small bathroom. The mirror above the sink was broken, pieces of the glass stuck in my bloody fist. I didn’t care. I couldn’t care. I was shutting down and I didn’t want to but I also knew I had to. I had to or I wouldn’t make it through the night.
I went from what I thought was a strong independent teenager to a lovesick moron; convinced her life lay with Brendon Urie. The memories weren’t all there and I was sure I was still missing chunks; I just wasn’t sure how important they were. One thing I was certain of however was Brendon. He’d lied to me when I was in a completely helpless state. I was at his mercy and he had shown none.
The worst part of it all wasn’t even the lie though. No, it was the fact that had Brendon not lied then I could have actually chosen to love him all on my own. Now I was stuck second guessing the last 6 and a half years of my life. Brendon would never get it. He made up a choice in my life and it spiraled from there as I tried to conform to who I thought I was.
It didn’t matter to me that the outcome could have possibly been the same had he told me the truth all along. All that mattered was I felt betrayed. I’d been betrayed.
“No!” I picked up what remained of the bottle, throwing it against the wall. I listened to the crash as it broke in to pieces. I looked at each piece, feeling like it now represented my life. How could he do this to me? What gave him the right? How could he think that things would turn out okay?
“No, no.” I began sobbing, surprised I was just starting. My throat began to burn as the sobs ripped free, my tears soaking my cheeks, causing my skin to becoming unbearably itchy. I felt so out of control when it came to my own life. A million ‘what if’s’ ran through my head and all I could do was ask myself again and again, “What if I’d had the free will to make my own decisions?”
The interview wrapped up early and I’d grabbed the first flight home, hoping to get home before Kacy got in bed. Unfortunately when my flight landed it was already 1 am. She’d been exhausted lately, raising Adam mostly on her own. It was a hard situation, seeing as how I was busy with my career. She was a stay at home mom and though I knew it wasn’t her first career choice I knew she cared about Adam and understood just why it was an important sacrifice for her to make for our family. I didn’t want to bother her with a phone call, and wake her up when she deserved the sleep.
It was cold outside and I couldn’t wait to be home, in Kacy’s warm embrace. I’d gone too many nights away from her and now I craved her touch.
The taxi dropped me off in front of our beautiful yet reasonable home. I smiled, remembering the day we finally settled upon it. It was a three bedroom, in the event that we had another child, and it was homey with not too much space. Kacy always said that too much space freaked her out. I couldn’t help but laugh at her but it was a loving laugh.
The key slid in and turned easily and I smiled, thinking of what I would find inside. I never could have guessed. I never would have wanted to guess correctly.
The first thing I noticed was the broken picture frames all down the hallway. I carefully avoided the glass though I noticed the bloody foot prints and immediately became apprehensive. “Kacy?” I called out, worried.
I quickly strode through our home, going towards our bedroom. I needed to find Kacy. I needed her to be okay. “Kacy?” No response.
I heard a loud crash and sprinted towards the bathroom. “Kacy?” I ripped the bathroom door open to find her sitting upon the floor, blankly looking up at me. “Kacy?” I quietly whispered her name, never having seen her in such a state of disarray.
“Brendon.” Kacy had such hatred in her eyes and as she spoke my name I winced, surprised with how bad she made it sound.
I stood in place, somewhat shocked with the cold transaction. “Are you- Are you okay?” I noticed the broken bottle of Vodka and the blood smeared upon her face. There was also more broken glass inside the bathroom. “What have you done with Adam?”
Kacy rolled her eyes, “What have I done to him?” She sat up a little, clumsily showing me just how drunk she was. “Don’t you mean what you’ve done to him?” I wasn’t entirely sure the statement made sense but I needed to know where Adam was.
“Where is Adam baby?” I softly asked.
“He’s with my mother. She’s taking him for the weekend.” I felt myself relax at her words. Now I just had to figure out what the hell happened.
I took a few careful steps in to the bathroom, “I need to clean your feet because the cuts can become infected.” I realized pieces of glass were still stuck in her feet and I winced, wondering why she hadn’t taken them out. She seemed to be in some sort of trance though, and she allowed me to clean her feet gently with a wet washcloth. She didn’t even pull away in pain when I had to dig pieces out. She just blankly stared at me.
I thought things were beginning to calm down and I was about to try to talk to Kacy about it again when she kicked her foot out and it hit me between my mouth and nose. I fell backwards on my ass, mumbling in pain. “What the fuck Kace?”
She looked up at me, finally actually looking at me. The blank look disappeared, replaced with one full of pain. “I can’t continue to feel like this.”
“Like what?” I gently touched my fingers to my nose, realizing I now had a bloody nose from the kick. I didn’t dare come within kicking distance of Kacy once again as I waited for her to further explain.
“I have a son to care for.” Kacy suddenly pulled herself to her feet, in a motion much too quick. She nearly fell over, the alcohol still having a terrible effect on her. “I can’t do this. I just can’t.”
“What is going on Kacy?” I stood in the doorway, not prepared to let her leave until she explained things to me.
“You lied to me Brendon.” She swayed once again, grabbing on to the counter for balance. “You lied and now this is my life.” She looked around. “I gave up everything for you. I gave up school, any chance at having a career.” I began to feel cold as her words assaulted my heart. “I gave you a son and you couldn’t even give me the truth.”
“I-“ My throat had gone dry.
Kacy shook her head, pushing against my chest. I stepped back, too horrified to even try to stop her. “How could you do this to me?” Kacy asked, staring in to my eyes, tears clinging to her own eyes.
“I- didn’t- how?”
“I’m not a doctor Brendon, I don’t know how it happened but it happened and now I remember.” Kacy nearly fell against me, accusing eyes burning in to me. “And I don’t remember ever choosing to be with you. Maybe I just haven’t remembered that part yet.” Kacy paused, and I could tell she knew that part was never coming back, because it didn’t exist. “So, tell me Brendon… Did I ever really choose to be with you, or did you choose for us to be together all on your own?”
I sighed, knowing she’d never understand why I did what I did. “I didn’t think it would hurt anything.”
“No Brendon.” Kacy shook her head, having trouble keeping her balance. “You just didn’t think it’d end up hurting you. After all these years do I mean anything to you? Did I ever mean a damn thing to you?” The slurred words cut like a knife.
“Of course.” I reached out, but Kacy pulled away. “You mean everything to me Kacy. You and Adam are my everything; my very reason for living.”
“Find a different reason.” Kacy snapped, turning away from me. Her voice broke, and she couldn’t even look at me. “I’m leaving you.”