There is a reason why I refuse to shower. You see, if I do, the withches will get me. DOn't give me that look. Wait, what?You mean to tell me you've never heard of not bathing so the witches don't get you? Have you been living under a rock for the past few decades? Well have you ever read that Roald Dahl book? The Witches is the name.
Now we're going somewhere. Now in the first few chapters it says clearly that witches can smell clean children very well and that they hate the smell more than anything. They can track a child through the dark just by the smell alone. You'd know that if you just read the book. I've been l;ucky. As a very young child of maybe 5 or 6 I came across the book. Of course, I read it because I wanted to survive my childhood. And it did help me.
Barely a few weeks after I read it, I came into contact with what I thought, and still think to this day, is a bona-fide witch. Sure, she pretended to be just an old lady who wore gloves for arthritis and covered her head with a wig because her own had long since fallen out. But I could see her for what she truly was - a demon in human skin.
She was always being nice to me. Too nice. I could see right through it. I knew that she was only being nice because she wanted to squash me, and what easier way than to lure me in by being so sweet? I took the neccessary precautions. I refused to help her with the least thing, I was perpetually rude to her, and behaved like she was the devil's own mother in law. ANd most importantly, i stopped bathing.
Save for the times when my mother absolutely forced me to, I never came into contact with soap and water. When that happened, sure as anything, I'd immediately make myself as filthy as possible. I knew that being stinky was my last line of defense, but also my first, for I had noticed this old lady tended to show up when I was alone, especially if i was freshly washed. So I continued my stinky routine.
I did it through my teenage years, as the book didn't say whether the stink continued into teenagerhood, until you were a legal adult, or just until you were no longer a child. It was better to err on the side of caution. Besides, I now had nearly an hour more per day since I didn't shower.Not showering probably saved my life as a child. But you ask why I still don't shower? I'll tell you why.
Because I have more spare time, it keeps away unwanted guests, and I no longer have to spend much on soap. Sure, it has drawbacks, like stinking, scaring chicks away, getting us kicked out of posh places, people not wanting to hug me, no awesome shower sex.... I think Sammi has no sense of smell to still be with me, and even want to marry me. But what the hell bro, I'm Jinxx, the self-aware garbage-man cockroach!
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