“Please don’t make me.” Ryan begged, looking away.
Stupid, stupid girl. I wish she wouldn’t let her obvious jealousy get in the way of her other emotions so much, as she had with Allison.
”Do you sleep with your sister?”
But why was Kassidy so jealous of Allison? Or maybe I was completely misreading the emotion. Maybe she just hated her. That also required a ‘why’ though, but I knew I wouldn’t figure it out. Kassidy was going through some weird stage in her life and I just didn’t get it. I didn’t get it at all.
I didn’t remember ever reacting so strange so suddenly, usually I at least gradually fell in to moods. In horror I realized something… She was a teenage girl after all… Was she having… PMS?
I could never ask her that.
I put my thoughts on hold as I heard footsteps outside my bedroom door. Was that Kassidy? The footsteps stopped and I shook my head, since I’d probably imagined the sound.
The tiny taste of disgust in Allison’s voice changed my mind about telling Kassidy anything. How could I expect a different reaction from her? She’d be just as disgusted as anyone else, and I just couldn’t risk it.
I was her older brother. I was supposed to protect her, even if I was protecting her from my own sick little fantasies.
I woke up with a bad headache once again, though this time I didn’t have a night of alcohol to blame for the pain.
A delicious smell drifted through the crack in my door and I was up within seconds, making my way down the stairs. It wasn’t until halfway down the stairs that I missed a stair and began falling forward. “Fuck, oww.” I muttered, glancing around to make sure that Ryan didn’t notice my ungraceful fall.
He would use it against me forever.
Thankfully no one was around.
I continued on to the kitchen, happy to find Ryan alone in the kitchen. “What are you making?”
“French toast and bacon.” Ryan responded, grinning. “I see the smell woke you up.”
“It always does. I love breakfast. Can I have some Advil?” It was in the cupboard above Ryan’s head.
He nodded, quickly grabbing the small bottle for me. “Headache?”
“The worst.” I responded, dry swallowing two small pills. “How did you sleep?”
“Same, I guess.”
A comfortable silence fell over us as Ryan continued to cook, while I stole glances at his beautiful profile. He really was physically perfect, even more perfect as a person. He was charming, sweeter than anyone else I knew. He was pretty open about everything, always willing to listen to the other side. I rarely saw him get angry, but even when he did he looked sexy, though I knew that was the immature part of my brain- and other parts thinking. I pretty much loved every single thing about Ryan though. There wasn’t much to dislike.
“How do you feel about skipping school today?” Ryan asked casually.
I glanced at the clock in a panic, having completely forgotten about school. “It seems we would be late if we left right now… So, why not?” Ryan usually wasn’t one to allow skipping school though. He took the older brother role very seriously. Sometimes too seriously.
“Good, I already called in sick for the both of us.” Ryan replied, grabbing two plates from the cupboard.
“What did you do with Ryan?” I joked.
Ryan smiled sweetly, “I just think we need to spend a day together. We’ve been fighting way too much lately.”
“And?” There had to be something else. Ryan would usually just say we should hang out after school, not skip to hang out during school.
Ryan sighed, “And… you don’t need to deal with the drama of what happened this weekend, since it’s probably already been spread all around the school.” Damn. I forgot about that.
That shut me up and as Ryan slid my plate in front of me I mumbled a quick thanks and began to eat, focusing all of my attention on the delicious food.
Ryan left me to my own thoughts as he ate his own food, just as quietly. Maybe he was stuck in thought too.
Ryan cleared the plates without saying anything, and I watched him, keeping up our silent battle of will-power. Who would be the first to crack?
He flicked a switch and I heard soft music begin playing but I was too caught up in Ryan to recognize the artist. He had his hand outstretched in my direction and he wanted to… dance.
I swallowed hard, nerves exploding. Our skin touched, forcing a soft gasp from my lips. I couldn’t help myself. He was so soft and so warm, and it felt so good to be close to him again. I felt so cold when we fought. I felt so… far away from him, and I hated that feeling more than anything else in the world.
Ryan slowly led me to the open area between the kitchen and living room. The perfect dancing spot. Why hadn’t I thought of it before?
Ryan’s eyes pierced right through me, “Slow or fast?” He whispered urgently, and there was something hot hiding behind his eyes. What was that? I’d never seen him wear the look before.
“Slow please.” The music was slow. It was more fitting, and… I wanted to savor this.
I stepped closer to Ryan, hesitating for just a moment. His hands dropped to my waist, which he held on to firmly. I reached up, wrapping my arms around his neck, staring in to his eyes. This was nerve-wracking but it was what I needed. It was my Cinderella moment. Hopefully it would set me straight.
He’s your brother!
Try as I might; I couldn’t get that to matter in the slightest.
“This is my apology to you.” Ryan whispered, leaning down to press a soft but firm kiss upon my forehead. My skin tingled once his lips left and it was an unpleasant, empty feeling.
“For?” I leaned against him, no longer looking up at him. I just wanted to feel him. I wanted to touch him. I wanted to smell him. I wanted him.
“I can’t tell you.” Ryan whispered.
That time I could place the emotion, for I’d felt it before… Longing, and pain? The two mixed together so well, hurting in such a bittersweet way.
“Please.” I pleaded, feeling that I needed to know. Whatever he was keeping from me was important and I needed to know. I needed to know everything about him, everything. I needed him.
I wanted him to need me too.
“I can’t.” This time his voice cracked, as he spit the words out. “Oh, Kassidy. I want to so bad but I-I can’t.” Was he- He couldn’t be-
I stole a glance up at him and immediately froze in shock.
Ryan was crying.
“Ryan, what’s wrong?” My hands fell down as I stepped away from him and stared in shock. What terrible secret was he keeping? It was obviously terrible enough to bring tears to his eyes. Oh, Ryan.
Ryan stared at me, letting the tears freely fall. He looked so broken, so confused… He looked so damn /vulnerable/.
“Ryan, tell me.” I urgently spoke the words, throwing on a confident tone. I needed to let him know that things were okay, no matter what his secret was. Was he okay? Was he in trouble? Did something happen? My mind ran wild, filling me with terror.
“Please don’t make me.” Ryan begged, looking away.
He looked… ashamed.
I stepped closer, Ryan stepped back. What was wrong? “Ryan…” I spoke his name softly, making it almost a whisper. “No matter what you say… I’ll still feel the same about you.”
Ryan’s eyes shot to me, surprise registering across his face. “Do you think…” He took a deep breath, swallowing hard, “Do you think that you’ll always love me?”
“I know I will.” That much I was confident about.
“How?” Ryan choked out, “How do you know that?”
“Love doesn’t just disappear Ryan. My love for you will always be in here.” I slowly reached for his hand, pulling it up and placing it approximately around where my heart would be. “I’ll always love you, nothing can change that.”
Ryan took another deep breath, as if preparing himself for the worst. “I love you Kassidy.”
“I love you too Ryan.” Now what was his big secret?
Ryan’s eyes immediately widened and he shook his head frantically, “No Kassidy… I-“ Another deep breath, “- I really love you.”
I really loved him too.
Oh. Oh. Oh boy. “You-“ It was my turn to swallow hard around the growing lump in my throat, “You- wait, what?”
Ryan stepped forward, quickly closing the distance between us. I just stared up at him, shock clearly covering my face as I tried to think of what to say, or how to feel. I hadn’t even registered the words, not really.
“Ryan-“ I don’t know what I was going to say, or if it would even mean anything, but it didn’t matter because the words died on my lips as Ryan leaned down, gently grazing his lips against mine.
Oh fuck, that felt good.
Our lips had barely touched and yet mine were now on fire, burning unbearably hot and I wanted more. I wanted him to do it again, and again… but harder and longer.
Ryan’s eyes were dark and guarded, millions of emotions crossing his face. “I’ve wanted to do that for a very, very long time.”
I just stared.
Oh my… Oh, Ryan.
“Kassidy, please say something.”
“Fucking hell.” Ryan harshly whispered the words before leaning down once again, capturing my mouth roughly with his. I felt his hands get tangled in my hair but I quickly got lost in the sensation of his mouth upon mine. His warm tongue begged for entrance, sliding over my bottom lip gently. I allowed him inside, as I awkwardly stood with my hands at my sides. Why couldn’t I move?
Ryan’s tongue… his hands, running through my hair… his body, pressing against me… Ryan. My Ryan.
I hadn’t been lying.
I still loved him.
When Ryan pulled away we were both somewhat breathless, and I still stood in shock. Talk! I couldn’t force myself too, though millions of thoughts ran wildly through my mind. “Kass?” Ryan hesitantly attempted to gain my attention, though he already had it.
I nodded, fingers curling up nervously.
“Kassidy, please say something.” Ryan looked down towards the floor, as if he’d done something terrible. “Please, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” His voice was so full of regret.
Why was I so frozen?
Ryan cast one last glance at me before turning around. I could still hear him but I was glad I couldn’t see his face because the pain in his voice was enough to break me. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to survive through his expression. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
Then he headed towards the front door.
But still I couldn’t speak.
I couldn’t move.
What was wrong with me?
No, not with me… With us.
Ryan felt the same.
Ryan wanted me too. He wanted more than this… this relationship we had as brother and sister. He knew what it felt like to be disgusted with your own feelings… He-
How could I just say nothing?
He had to be in such pain. He had to feel so rejected. How could I? I knew what it was like! I’d lived with it for as long as I could remember, wanting Ryan in a way that I knew wasn’t right.
Oh fuck, I’m so, so sorry.
Quickly I grabbed my grey hoodie from the closet and rushed out the door, knowing that I needed to find Ryan. I needed to find him and I needed to tell him.
Oh Ryan, you’re not alone.
I’m fucked up too.