Gerard explains everything to Mikey.
Title is from Black Veil Brides. :P Love me a bit of Black Veil Brides, I do...
Chapter 14- Saviour
Frank's so beautiful when he sleeps. Oh, God, that made me sound like a stalker. But seriously, he is so beautiful, his long, black eyelashes casting light shadows over his clear olive skin. I've never felt this comfortable in another person's arms before. Not even Mikey's. I think it's because of the way he was with me yesterday. He was so understanding, and he didn't get angry with me once. Last night, we ended up falling asleep into each others arms after I started crying again. But he didn't get annoyed, he stayed with me the whole time- comforting me, holding me. He makes me feel safe. He makes me laugh, he makes me happy, he makes me feel GOOD... Oh god. It can't be. I'm doing the one thing I promised myself that I would never do.
I'm falling for Frank.
Why do I have to go and do this? I told myself I wouldn't do this, I PROMISED myself. All it ends up doing is hurting you in the end, and I don't want that. Plus, it will make what little relationship the two of us have built up come crashing down around me. I can't let that happen. Correction, I WON'T let that happen. Besides, I've only known him for like two weeks so I don't really know what my feelings for him are. All I know is that him being this close to me is uncomfortable.
I wonder where Mikey went... Maybe I should go and see him, he needs to know everything. He needs to know why I wrote that letter and what it was about. Being careful not to wake Frank, I slide out from under his arms and lay his head down on the pillow. Taking one last look at his flawless face, I make my way quietly up the stairs into the living room. I find Mikey lying on the couch, curled up into a ball and sucking his thumb. He's fast asleep so I make sure I'm quiet when I walk over to him, and then kneel down beside his head. I reach a hand to his hair, stroking stroking it, wishing that things were still how they were. I miss being able to have a laugh with him whenever, having a close relationship with him. But now our relationship is full of secrets and tension. I need to tell him the truth, it will make things easier.
"Hey Mikey, wake up. I have something to tell you." He opens his eyes slowly, blinking a few times before coming to his senses.
He bolts upright, thumb still in his mouth and looks around the room frantically. Damn, he's gonna be pissed I woke him up. His eyes fall on me.
"Gee?" He asks, voice muffled by his thumb. He must have finally realized that he's sucking his thumb because he yanks it out of his mouth, turning a deep shade of red. "Uhh.. Ha, sorry. I don't usually do that you know..."
"Of course you don't." I have to bite my lip in order to stop my laughter. "But I really do need to talk to you, though."
Mikey rubs his eyes, getting rid of all the sleep before answering. "Sure, whatever you want. Uhm, are you... okay now?" He looks wary, not sure how I'll react, but I just smile.
"I'm good. Well, the thing is...." God, I don't know how to put this....
"Gerard? What is it?" He doesn't sound impatient, just curious. I inhale deeply and look up at him.
"I haven't got a clue how to put this... But, they say you should talk about your problems don't they?" He nods silently, not wanting to interrupt me. "You read my letter right?"
"Gee, you don't have to explain this now. I understand if you need time, don't fee-"
"I take that as a yes, then. And yes I do need to explain it now. If I don't then I never will. Anyway, do you remember the bit about what happened a long time ago?" Mikey nods again. "I never told you what happened. I never told you because I wanted to protect you, just remember that. You know Donald- or Dad to you-left a few years back, what was I 14?
"What has this got to do with Dad?" Mikey says, his head cocked to the side.
"Well, Michael, when I was younger, Donald and I appeared to have a good relationship, right? Well we didn't....." I pause, looking down at the floor "...He beat me everyday." I have trouble biting back tears from the painful memories.
"Gee... Is this for real?" I look up at him, trying desperately not to let the tears escape, and nod once.
"Yep. Ever since I was about seven or eight... Mom never knew about it, he was clever enough to only hit me in places that no one would ever see. The first time he did it I remember being shocked but I just shrugged it off, thinking that it was an accident and I just made him really angry. But as the weeks went by, it was evident that it was far from accidental. Everytime you and Mom were out of the house he would strike. They kept on getting worse and worse, I think he cracked... three?... No four of my ribs one time. Do you remember that?"
"Wait, Dad told us that you came home from school like that. We thought you'd been beaten up.... That was him?" I nod sadly.
"Yeah... When you guys believed that story, he started getting braver. He started hitting me in the face and passing it off as another beating from bullies. It got so bad, Mikey." I start to break down again, the tears flowing freely down my cheeks. "He hurt me so bad!" I'm full on sobbing now and Mikey's just sitting there, absolutely speechless and unsure of what to do.
"Gee..." He gets up and walks around to me. "Gee, come here." He helps me off the floor and takes me back to the couch, where we lie down next to each other.
"I'm sorry, Mikey. I just have to talk to someone about this, it's been eating me up inside for such a long time! I can't stand it anymore, it's tearing me apart! All those memories of what he did to me, I was just a child! I'd never done anything to cause him to inflict such pain on me. Of course, at the time he made me believe that it was my fault. He was always telling me how I was a fuck up, worthless. He constantly told me how much of an embarrassment I was and that he was ashamed to call me his son... That was all he said for the first couple of years."
"That was all?! Gerard, no one should EVER say that to a kid, an eight year old! Their own son, it's sick!"
"Hold on there, Mikey" My voice is more composed now and I'm shaking less. "I'm not done. When I reached the age of eleven, he started focusing on my appearance. He started pointing out little things about my looks that I'd never even considered before and breaking my confidence into a million tiny pieces. My self esteem plummeted and I started eating less and less, until I just stopped eating all together. I just wanted my own father to love me, I wanted to be a son he could be proud of. I thought if I lost weight he wouldn't keep calling me fat. And..." I sigh, not finishing my sentence.
"Gerard? What were you gonna say?" I wave a hand dismissively.
"There's something you're not telling me. Something bad. What is it?"
"You really don't want to know, and I could really do with not thinking about it."
"Like you said earlier, it's good to talk about your problems... So, tell me. Please?"
I take a deep breath, preparing myself for the memories to come. "You aren't going to like hearing about this... Well, Donald was already emotionally and physically abusing me, right?" Mikey nods slowly, and I can tell that he knows what's about to come.
"Yeah, well on my twelfth birthday he decided to go for the third type of abuse....My birthday had been great, you and Mom had both been really nice to me, waiting on my hand and foot. Donald hadn't said anything nasty to me all day so that made it even better. I thought that maybe because I was twelve, he'd stop all this, all the abuse. I went to bed smiling for the first time in ages. But I remember being woken up by the sound of my lock sliding shut. Donald was standing over my bed when I looked up. I screwed my eyes shut, waiting for the punch I was going to recieve, but it never came. When I heard the sound of something unrolling, my eyes shot open. He put something over my mouth, stopping me from making a sound. It was only when I looked to his hands that I realised it was duct tape. At that moment in time I was totally confused as to what he was going to do next. I tried to stand up but he just punched me in the face, knocking me onto my bed....."
"Gerard?" I look over to Mikey, who has a lone tear trickling down his face. "You can stop now, you don't have to say any more."
"Yes I do, trust me. I know it's not nice for you to hear, but you're the only person I trust enough to talk about this with." I stop, waiting for some kind of response from my baby brother, and eventually he gives a slight movement of his head.
"Okay, if it will help you."
"Thank you. Well, you can kind of guess what happened after that, I don't need to go into details. I was so scared, so humiliated and ashamed. I couldn't believe that the man I had once called my father would do that to me. He took my innocence, he made me unable to trust anyone. I thought that if he could do that, then other people could do worse. It was from then on that I started distancing myself from others, avoiding all physical contact with people. The only two people I allowed to be close to me were you and Mom... and now Frank. But of course, I couldn't stop Donald from touching me so he carried on. He carried on doing those disgusting things to me, every night he'd come into my room and violate me! He broke me." I stop talking and calm myself down before carrying on in a normal, dismissive voice. "But after I turned 14, he beat me so badly that I was hospitalized."
"That was him?!?!" I nod once.
"Yeah, it was him. He got away with it at first, because the bullying had gotten so much worse so everyone just thought it was the kids at school. It wasn't until Mom walked into my hospital room and saw Donald grabbing me by the hair and spitting venomous words in my ear that she realized what was going on. She kicked him out after that. He went without a fuss because he knew she would call the police otherwise. She wanted to anyway, but I begged her not to, I didn't want all the fuss of having to give evidence and reliving the godawful memories. So, Mom listened to me and nobody ever found out about it, until today."
"Gerard.... I don't know what to say. To think that you went through so much alone, it's so sad!"
"I don't want you to pity me, that's not why I told you this. I told you because I thought I owed you an explanation. And I suppose I kind of owe you an apology. I'm sorry for being such a bad brother these past few years, but I just didn't want you to be around such a failure, I wanted you to do well in life and not be dragged down by me."
"Don't you dare apologize to me. The only person who needs to apologize is Donald."
"Mikey, don't call him that. He's still your Dad, he didn't hurt you." I say softly, trying to sound stern at the same time.
"No, but he hurt you and that's good enough for me.... Well not good, but you know what I mean. If he hurts one of us, he hurts both of us. He is NOT my father..... GOD, I can't believe I never noticed was I really that stupid?!"
"No, Mikey it wasn't your fault. I made the choice not to tell you, I was the one who hid it."
"But why though? Why didn't you say anything?" Mikey says exasperated.
"You don't understand! He said if I told anyone he'd hurt you aswell! I wanted to protect you, I didn't want you to go through what I did." Why doesn't he understand that I did it for him?
"You shouldn't have had to go through that!!!" I know the truth in Mikey's words and I can't hold back the tears for much longer. I have to get out of here.
"Well, what's done is done. This conversation is over." I stand up and kiss the top of Mikey's head before walking out of the room.
I round the corner of the living room and make my way towards my room, only to find Frank standing in my doorway. He looks shocked to see me but also extremely upset.
"Frankie? Frankie, what's wrong?" I rush over to him, pulling his chin up so he's looking at me.
"Nothing, absolutely nothing." He wipes a tear from my cheek that I hadn't realised was there. "Gerard, you're brilliant."
"What the hell are you talking about?" What is he... Oh, god. "Frank... Did you hear any of that?" I feel sick at the thought, of him knowing my biggest secret. He looks down at his feet and rubs the back of his neck.
"Yeah... kinda. I woke up when you left the room. What time is it by the way?" I look at the clock that's visible in the kitchen.
"1:00AM. So you heard everything?" I gulp, not wanting to hear the answer.
"Yeah, I heard everything." He reaches a hand out to put it on my shoulder but I pull away.
"I bet you think I'm an even bigger freak now don't you?"
"No! God no, Gerard!" He shakes his head in disbelief. "Did you not just hear me? You. Are. Brilliant. I can't even begin to understand how horrible that was for you. I admire you for being so strong?"
"Strong?! You think that I'm strong? Frank, I tried to kill myself because of the constant torment of those memories and you call me strong? I don't eat because I'm afraid of putting even a tiny bit of weight on. Even after all these years I'm still trying to please him, make my father love me! Not to mention the- Nevermind that, but seriously? There is no way in hell you can call me strong."
Mikey appears behind Frank. "Gerard, what were you going to say?" Him and Frank are both looking at me expectantly. What the fuck are they on about?
"What?" I snap.
"You said, and I quote 'Not to mention the- Nevermind that...' What were you going to say? What else are you not telling us?"
My hand goes to my wrists. "It was nothing, I was just getting carried away. And Mikey, I hope you remember our conversation last week? About you not interfering?" I know that was uncalled for, but I'm tired and I just want to go back to my room. Mikey's face turns a pale pink colour.
"Yeah, I know. Sorry." He sighs deeply before turning and walking back round the corner. A few seconds later I hear his slow thudding footsteps on the stairs, telling me that I'm now all alone with Frank. Awkward...
"Well, I'm going back downstairs. You can come back down if you want but you don't have to." I pivot on my feet and walk back down to my hovel.
When I reach my massive double bed in the corner of the room, I flop down on it heavily, making a soft thud. It's not until a few minutes later that I realize I'm not alone in my bedroom.
"Mind if I sit down?" I roll over, making room for him next to me. "Talk to me." I prop myself up on my elbows, chin resting on my fists.
"What do I say?"
"I dunno, anything. I'm here to help." I chuckle slightly.
"Dude, you sound like one of those scout leaders or something."
"No, I'm serious!" He attempts to hide his smile, but he just can't do it. "You can talk to me about anything, I won't tell anyone."
"Frank, why are you being so nice?" God, I can't take it! He's just so perfect!
"I already told you, I care about you!" Frank lays down beside me and pulls me in so I'm resting on his arm.
"Thank you so much, Frank. For everything." He kisses the top of my head.
"Any time sweetie. Just remember, you can talk to me, kay?"
"... Okay." Frank pulls away a little, so we can see each others faces.
"Do you trust me?"
I think for a second. Do I? I've only known the guy for a little under two weeks. He could be a serial killer for all I know. But then again, he's given me no other reason at all not to trust him. In fact, he's done quite the opposite. He's been nothing but nice to me ever since we met and he talks to me like I'm a normal person, not like I'm crazy. He saved me when I tried to kill myself and he let me cry on him for like over an hour...
"...Gerard? You awake?" I snap out of my thoughts and look up at the black and blonde haired boy.
"What was the question?" He giggles softly, a wonderful happy sound. Almost chipmunk-esque.
"I said: Do you trust me?" I look into Frank's eyes, those eyes that caught my attention on that first day. Those eyes of a brilliant shade of green, made even lighter by small flecks of golden brown. I see no sense of falseness or cruelty in his eyes, just kindness and patience. I snuggle deeper into Frank's strong arms before replying.
So, bro's, how was it? I hope this explains a bit more about why Gerard's fucked up... Does it? If not, then I may just go die. By the way, those of you who are getting impatient for Frerard shiz, fear not. FRERARD IS ON THE WAY!!!!!! Chapter 16 contains Frerard. What's that I hear? Squeals of joy? No? Okay, nevermind then....
Anywhore, Rate and review, it would make meh so happeh!!! You will get three wishes from the magic genie that is moi! But only if I turn wizard and get enrolled into Hogwarts (WHY DIDN'T YOU SEND ME MY LETTER? le sobs)
Until next time,