She continuously preoccupied his thoughts. He saw her face appearing before his closed eyelids in his sleep, the feel of her softness in his arms interrupting his everyday activities. It was worse when he tried to work, with each chord he strummed, each key his fingers danced over she was there. Her voice the very song he played. He knew he couldn’t live like this forever. He knew that he had to make it fade even if he didn’t want it to. It was torture to live like this and sometimes he felt himself being a little pathetic. After all he hadn’t known her that long, he really didn’t know anything about her. So what was wrong with him? He couldn’t quite answer that himself seeing as it was all a bit confusing to him as well.
With a heavy sigh he set his acoustic down and rested his head back against the wall. His eyes slid closed and he swallowed down the emotions making their way secretly to the surface. He could hear everything in the silence around him. The gentle wind sweeping across the windows, the muffled sounds from the other side of the door, the life that breathed around him but not within him. He hated being so aware, it nearly drove him insane but he was observant, more than he would have liked. The curse of an artist he supposed?
A soft knock sounded on the door and he sat up quickly, regaining his composure. “Come in” He called out, pushing the hair from off his forehead.
The door opened slowly and Emma slipped in, closing it quickly behind him. “Are you ready?” She asked almost cautiously. She knew what he was going through, she could tell that something had not only fallen away from him in Italy but something had also broken off most recently.
He nodded, stood up and grabbed his phone. She gave him a weak smile and he followed her out the door. He waved absentmindedly to everyone who gave him a greeting.
“Shannon coming?” He asked back at her.
“He’s already there.” She replied getting into the passenger seat as he slid into the drivers.
He drove thinking of no direction but knowing where he was going. He couldn’t help but not think of anything. He couldn’t or she would be there, making her presence known even though she was so far from him. He drove up and put the car in park, taking his hat from the back seat and putting it on. He glanced over at Emma giving her something of a smile allowing her to ease up around him. They both got out and did their best to avoid the cameras flashing all around them. He wasn’t exactly in the mood for such a social and busy night but he had agreed to this awhile ago. He straightened his coat once he got inside.
He did his best to look at every art piece that hung on the walls, his friend being a brilliant painter but he couldn’t concentrate very well. The drinks that were being passed around were much more tempting than the water he was currently drinking but he knew that it would be a bad idea to lose himself in this. A couple of hours passed with useless chatter around him, his friends asking him questions about new material and him asking mundane questions that he couldn’t quite remember. He was in a something of a daze, his head aching with the mindless blur all around him. He wanted to get away. Crawl back into his hole and let his music swallow him up.
“You should go home…” Emma whispered, her hand comforting on his back.
“Would it be rude?” He asked but when she shook her head he walked away and left her with Shannon. He gave the paparazzi several answers to their persistent questions before he got into his car and pulled away from the building.
He drove around Los Angeles without much direction, his head spinning from his own emotions. He wanted to break out of this, needed to release himself from the chains that seemed to hold him down to this breaking. It had all culminated into an ache he couldn’t suppress anymore. Everything that had happened in Italy and then Rowan leaving his side. It was all too much for him to not only comprehend but to accept. It might be weak but it was something he just couldn’t shake.
The beach left his windows, the night making it glisten beneath the silver moon. He could feel tears building in his eyes, the wind unable to cease them from re-forming, He pulled his lips harshly together to stop their slight quiver and his hands tightened on the wheel. He thought for a moment about driving the car off somewhere, thought about ending it all before it got any worse. Everything he needed, everything he loved no longer was with him. He was like a poison that not even he could live through. It was as easy as ending it tonight, wouldn’t the world be better off?
He never exactly attempted it though. The thought that his mom, his brother, his entire family would rip themselves apart over it prevented him from going through with it. But the thought had crossed his mind and he hated himself for being so damn desperate.
He made a turn, his tears falling down, the brim of his hat protecting him from whatever moonlight danced its way into his car. The apartment building came into view, that place that didn’t deserve her living there. He wiped at his eyes, glanced in the rearview and sighed at his drawn appearance.
He opened the door without hesitation, closing it against the wind and made his way inside. He left the night outside, hoping its darkness wouldn’t follow him in. The stairs creaked beneath his boots, his gloved hands buried themselves in the pockets of his coat. He stopped before her door. He thought of a million reasons why he shouldn’t knock, why he knew she would send him away. But the possibility that a simple knock could release him, that her opening the door could send her back into his arms was enough for him to do it. The knock was soft, quiet at first until he proceeded with a bit more urgency.
He heard movement and then his heart stopped. The lock slid open and then the door creaked open.
She stood there before him, her eyes rimmed with a tragic red. Her hair was lost in a messy braid and her hand nearly shook as it held the door. She was so small standing there, the burden of the world lost in her eyes. How fragile she looked there before him, crying and broken needing someone to hold her up.
He wasn’t sure what to say, wasn’t sure what word would be appropriate. But before he could say anything she reached her arms up and he gathered her against his chest. Her shoulders began to tremble and her breath came out struggled and tearful. He smoothed her hair back, pressed a kiss to the top of her head and closed his eyes, letting his own tears slip from his eyes. Everything came together as one with her in his arms and the world began to make sense again. This was what he wanted to be real, her and those gentle arms that held onto him. He wanted to protect her and he needed her to always be there with him. He couldn’t quite explain it but wordlessly he knew it was already explained.