(#) FrankAIero 2012-07-27 02:02:33 PM
Okay. I'm not trying to be mean. But this needs to be said. Please don't hate me, it's just my opinion and my take on the story.
The idea itself it's pretty good. But I feel like you don't know where you're going and it's all over the place. Every now and then you'll have spelling mistakes that I graciously look over. Your grammar is not the best and your writing style is sort of confusing. Maybe you aren't comfortable with your writing style yet.
I think this could be good, but it needs a lot of work. The shortness does not bother me at all. But the story does need a ton of work. Do you have a beta? I'd suggest getting one. It's a lot of help and makes things less stressful.
I noticed you used the excuse of using your phone but that is a terrible excuse. I know tons of authors on here that work on their phone and still get everything in order and post some pretty amazing stuff. Hopefully I'm not coming across as a hater. I'm just trying to help and offering some -hopefully- helpful criticism.
Just keep working and writing and it will progressively get better. You have a lot of potiential and I think if you take criticism and think it over and let it help you, you'll go far.