awsommme life changing drug it changes colours.
After a succesful venture with 5-meo-DALT and a solid night's sleep, each of the two of us downed 23mg 2cb. With the expectation of a relatively mild experience, we settled into the couch and awaited the onset. Frank started looking through real estate ads, while I began to enter the 2cb state. I'm not sure as to when it started to happen, but at some point during the onset it hit me like a ton of bricks: 'This isn't going to be your standard 23mg 2cb experience.'
What proceeded was a full meltdown on a psychic level. I began to experience my perception of color in the immediate environment as something charged with a sort of archetypal and transpersonal significance. In fact, I started to see color as a sort of language of perception, telling the story of my most compelling experience. What became clear in my experience, as I was looking into the world around me, was a certain aversion to and denial of certain colors in my immediate environment: red and black come to mind. Because, these colors represent for me, a basic experience of death and passing, as well as a sort of anger I have concerning my grandmother.
As background, the last half year has been without question the most difficult and trying time of my life: my grandmother's own death, political differences that have severed communication with my father, and my good friends near terminal illness.
Two forces became clear through the full course of this experience. On the one hand, there was the force of my own perception, which--as a result of the stress of the last several years--has developed a pattern of very basic denial. This became quite clear on the 2cb, as certain colors elicited a contracted/resistive response in my mind. On the other hand, there was a clear experience of The Other--a presence of pure experience and language--which was using my patterns of perception to 'speak to me' through the medium of my own emotions. What I began to see was that the tendency in my mind was to say: 'it's not there', as if 'IT's' presence were something to be avoided. This was the voice of my perception, 'It's not there'; this color, this emotion, this reality of death and impermanence and presence must be avoided brcause it means my own demise.
I spent a solid 2-3 hours in this highly contracted space of denial, very concerned as to whether or not I'd actually make it through this experience. Frank was extremely supportive and helpful through the course of this experience, assuring me that I would make it, encouraging me to relax and breath. I'm not sure when it happened, but I came to a point where I was looking into a very basic organization in terms of my method of perception and it took on two very delineated colors: black and white. At this point, things began to change, because my mind was sort of resting right on the edge of these two colors, and as I really entered into my perception of these colors...it sort of hit me. How is it--exactly--that we know what is good and what is bad? As my mind flickered in and out of these two 'worlds' of being and non-being, I began to know...that these delineations of experience, were really non-existent: neither being nor non-being. At this point, my whole mood shifted and I began to feel much more at peace.
I went out into the backyard where my buddy was sitting, and began verbalizing. I'm not sure I made any sense, but at a certain point, actually entered into 'The Other', and was seeing this pure language of being as something intimately connected with who I really was. Apparently, i went into a space where I was fully immersed in the glossalalia: speaking in tongues. In my recollection, it felt like the expression of pure intelligence, and was immensely cleansing. In a true irony of expression, the voice moving through me began to say: 'It actually IS there', and it's nothing to be afraid of.
On the comedown, I was somewhat bewildered and it has taken me until today to really come to terms with the experience. I'm deeply grateful for Frank for seeing me through this. Something definitely opened; that night I slept a solid 10hours, 6hours of napping the next day, and slept 12hours last night for a grand total of 28hours of sleep in the last 48 hours. Keep in mind, that I haven't missed any sleep in the recent weeks; I think my psyche was clearly healing itself.
2 days later, I woke up feeling better about myself and the world than I have felt in over 3 years. This morning, as I was driving around town, my heart was just flooded with a deep sense of gratitude and connection; my heart/mind was just overflowing with tears of gratitude and love. To me, this attests to the deeply therapeutic value of these medicines. Furthermore, it attests to the very real importance of psychological set.
I'm immensely grateful for Frank, whose friendship is immeasurably valuable; his presence and reassurance has helped me reach a sense of peace in terms of my self-image, and I feel this will translate into my ability to live effectively in the world. I feel like I'm someone worth loving, which has been a struggle for me over the years; and I feel I can forgive myself in terms of my family:
Forgiveness is the key to every door!!