“But how? We were careful?!” he says flabbergasted . I shake my head.
“I don’t know, I need to get to a doctor ASAP” I say standing up
“Why?” He asks.
“Because Gerard, I’ve been drinking A LOT. I need to know that if I am pregnant that nothing bad has happened to the babies development” I pick up a phone book and start flipping through it.
“Can’t you just take one of those pee test?” He asks. I pick my head up and look at him.
“Yeah…I guess I should do that first…” I gulp. So Does Gerard. “Why don’t you get in the shower, I’ll go get a test and see if we have anything to worry about okay? And if we do then I’ll make the appointment for right after the interview. We’ll just tell the guys I am sick and I need to get checked out, we can get on the road a little late” I stand up from the bed and grab my wallet.
“Okay, Jo, I love you” Gerard stands up and gives me a soft kiss. I smile at him and walk out the door.
There is a local continence store about 3 blocks away. I walk awkwardly through the isles looking for the pregnancy test. I never thought I’d be doing this so soon. How could I be this stupid! I should’ve waited! I should’ve! I have been drinking non stop for the past 2 weeks or so and now, I could have been injuring my own child’s development. I feel nothing but anger inside. I grab the test and walk up to the checkout lane. There is an older girl maybe about 30 or so working. I put the test down and she smiles at me.
“Oh! I hope you get the results you want hun! My husband and I have been trying for 5 years but still nothing. How long have you and your husband been trying?” She asks putting the test in a bag. My palms get sweaty and my heart is filled with guilt.
“Um this is the first time” I lie. This isn’t the first time we’ve “tried” we didn’t even try! And this poor lady has been trying for 5 years for a baby she wants, I don’t want a baby right now! The lady nods. I hand her my money.
“Well good luck I hope it is positive!” She waves goodbye to me and I walk out the door bag in hand.
How stupid am I?! Seriously?! We’ve been safe, VERY safe how could this happen. Wait..I know how. Guarantee we were drunk as hell one night had sex, used no protection and BAM! Here I am possibly caring Gerard’s child. As I walk I feel like people are looking down at me. Like they know what I’ve done. Getting pregnant out of wedlock. Fuck! What will my mother say?! I can’t even imagine. Panic rises deep inside of me and I have to lean against the building wall to calm myself down.
“You’re not pregnant, you’re not pregnant, please god don’t let me be” I pray. I calm down and continue walking.
I arrive back to the hotel. When I walk into the room Gerard is pacing back and forth. His hair still wet from his shower. He sees me come in and hugs me tight. I hug him back, both of us feeling the same.
“Well here I go” I pull out the test and walk into the bathroom.
I walk out the test in hand, it still showing a blank.
“Well?!” Gerard asks running up to me.
“We have to wait a bit” I explain. I put the test down on the dresser and sit on the bed. I put my head in my hands. I feel Gerard sit next to me. He puts his hand on my back and starts rubbing.
“We’ll be okay” he says positively. I sigh and look up at him.
“What if I am?” I ask. Gerard stays silent. I stand up and look at the test, Gerard follows. He leans over my shoulder. Both of us shocked by the answer. There is a plus sign. I am pregnant. Gerard steps back and sits down again. Shaking is head.
“How? How could this happen?!” He asks himself. I feel tears coming but I push them away. I must stay strong.
“I am calling the doctor” I go over to the phone book and look up a OBGYNs number and call it. After several minutes on the phone I have an appointment at 3:00. Gerard is still sitting in the same position.
“We have to get you to your interview” I say trying to get things on a different subject.
“Fuck no, I am not going. I can’t go not like this. FUCK! This ruins everything! Just when everything was going fine” he says out loud. I cross my arms and glare at him.
“Ruined everything? Excuse me, but this is not ruining anything it is taking our lives a different direction!” I sternly say back to him. He stands up and look at me, with anger in his eyes.
“I don’t want it to go in this direction Johanna! I wanted to travel the world with my band, make records, make a difference in peoples lives! I am going to. I still am. I am going to be there for you, hell I’ll even marry you, but I can’t give this up. This is a once in lifetime chance” He steps closer to me. “You understand don’t you?” I feel so angry at him. I bite my lip trying not to say anything. I love this man so fucking much. Right now I hate how much I love him, because I want him to have this dream. I wont make him give it up. I nod.
“I understand” I whisper. He kisses the top of my head and pulls me into him.
“I love you Johanna. We are going to make this work. I promise you that. I promise I am going to stay right by your side” He stokes my hair. But somehow I doubt what he is saying.
“Lets go” I say pulling away from him wiping tears from my eyes.
We arrive to the studio where the interview is. There a bunch of cameras and a couch for the guys to sit on, while a single chair is across from it. The guys know nothing, Gerard seems like he has completely forgotten about it, but me I just can’t. I have a child inside of me that may be growing up fatherless because he wants to live out his rock star dream. I feel my blood boil and anger rise up all I want to do is drink, but I cant. A single tear flows down my cheek but I wipe it away. Gerard comes up from behind me hugging me. Why arnt there butterflies? I turn around and he smiles at me.
“I love you so much” He gives me a kiss. “I told the guys you need to see a doctor. They are cool with it. I am going to be right by your side okay? I am going to do everything I can for the two of you” He gives me another kiss and looks at me awaiting my reply.
“Besides be there” I say coldly. He gives me a confused look.
“You said you were okay, you lied?” He asks through clenched teeth.
“Just do your interview” I say pointing to the couch.
“No tell me what is wrong now Jo” He demands.
“Gerard we are going to need you and the other band members in front of the cameras please” A cameraman asks. Gerard just gives me a dirty look and heads for the couch and sits down.
Another man enters the room. The interviewer I am assuming. He sits down in the chair and introduces himself. I can’t quite hear his name but the cameras start rolling.
“I am here with My Chemical Romance today. A band from New Jersey that has been together for less than a year and already made an album called ‘I brought you my bullets you brought me your love’ that has been selling like crazy across the U.S.A. Now tell me guys how is this feeling for you?” –Interviewer
“Great, we couldn’t be happier. This is something I think we’ve always DREAMED of.”-Gerard. My anger rises more hearing him say that, he is doing it on purpose.
“Awesome. How is the tour going? Do you miss home yet?”- Interviewer
“No not yet I am enjoying seeing the country and meeting our fans”-Frank
“I miss sleeping in my own bed” –Mikey
“I miss our local resteraunts that’s about it though”-Ray
“No, I brought the only thing I would miss from home with me”-Gerard.
My anger goes down a little and my butterflies come back. Maybe he does care and wants this. I know I do. I smile at him, and he smiles back.
“And what did you bring with you Gerard?”-Interviewer
“Something that I love with all my heart, and would never EVER dream of giving up for anything, anyone, or any situation”-Gerard. Okay now I am jelly again. Gosh how does he do this?!
“I see. So you are all single guys I assume, how is that? Having girls around have you found anyone yet?”-Interviewer
“No, not yet us three are still single” Ray says pointing to him Mikey and Frank. Gerard looks down at the ground.
“SO Gerard is the only one not single?”-Interviewer
“I am not single. I am very much involved with someone” –Gerard. The interview looks a lot more interested.
“But you’re the lead singer of the band, Must be hard having all those girls and staying in a relationship right?” –Interviewer
“No, not really. She is the only one that will ever have my heart” –Gerard. I sigh and feel like I am on cloud nine. I love this man so much!
“So marriage, kids everything with this one girl?”-Interviewer
“I think so”-Gerard. My heart picks up. He does care. He is going to be there.
“Good. Nice to hear. So are you guys excited about starting up a tour with the Used this Winter?” –Interviewer.
WAIT WHAT?! Another tour?! He never said anything about that to me. He is going to be gone again?! While I am home alone pregnant with HIS child. My blood starts to curl again.
“Yes very excited to be going on tour with them, we have always enjoyed their music”-Gerard says avoiding eye contact with me now. Oh I am beyond pissed at him. I turn around and leave the studio and stand out in the alley way pacing back and forth.
He is leaving me?! He said he wasn’t going to give up his dream I understood that, but leaving me DURING my pregnancy and possibly not being there for the birth of our child?! No! No! No! No! I let the tears flow and lean up against the wall just crying my eyes out for what seems like forever when Gerard stands in front of me.
“Jo baby what is wrong?!” Gerard asks pulling me into his arms , but I push him away.
“You’re leaving me AGAIN?! While I am pregnant with your child?!” I say pointing to my stomach.
“Jo I was going to tell you but then this morning happened and I don’t know. I am going to be there I promise!” –He pleads.
“No you wont! You’re just going to be on tour the whole fucking time getting drunk, while I am alone!” I cry more. He pulls me into his arms and I don’t object this time.
“ I promise Jo, that I’ll be there for you. We get breaks. 3 days-1 week every 2 months or so. I’ll spend those with you” He tries to calmly say.
“Oh cool. So what will that be?! I get to spend a total of 3 weeks with you out of a 9 month pregnancy! I don’t want that Gerard!” I scream. He looks taken back. “Lets talk about this later we have to get you to the Doctor” he says calmly trying to get me calm. I sigh and realize he is right. I wipe my tears away and head for the van.
We are in the waiting room of the doctors office. Gerard and I haven’t spoken since we were in the alley way. We are both just nervous and scared and angry. I feel his hand clasp mine and I squeeze it back. I look at him and get lost in his hazle eyes. I hope our baby has his eyes. I lean in and give him a soft kiss.
“I’d do anything for you Johanna I mean it. I am willing to give everything up for you. I want to be here for you during this. We did this together we are going to get through this together Im not going to leave you while. I was selfish for saying that” He admits. I smile at him. I love him so much and I give him another kiss.
“Johanna Retorio? “ A nurse from the door way calls out. Gerard and I stand up going in hand and hand into the doctors.
After and hour of poking and prauding in awkward places we sit in front of the doctors desk. He is bald, about 50 years old and wearing a lab coat. He is looking over a file and then closes it and looks at us holding his own hands.
“Well Johanna and Gerard I know you guys only came here for one reason and one reason only and that is to see how your baby is, because as you’ve stated Johanna you have been drinking excessively correct?” He asks me. I feel so small.
“Yes sir” I respond.
“Well after running some tests and doing the ultra sound it is safe to say there is nothing to worry about” I sigh in relief but then the doctor continues.
“Because there is no baby. You’re not pregnant Johanna” I stare at him in shock so does Gerard.
“But my period is late!” I explain
“And the test was positive” Gerard adds. The doctor lets out a slight chuckle.
“Well there are several reasons why your period could be late, and several reasons why that pregnancy test showed up positive. You’ve explained to me that you have been traveling and under a lot of stress plus the drinking. That can cause your hormones to go haywire, making your period late, and showing a positive urinary pregnancy test. After a night of drinking alcohol it might not be the best to take a pregnancy test because you said you have been stressed lately, so my best guess is you’re to stressed and in an unfamiliar environment so of course your body is going to adjust to it” He explains. I nod and feel some sadness inside of me. Gerard lets outa sigh of relief.
“Thanks so much doctor” I say shaking his hand, Gerard does the same and we walk out of his office.
“Yes! Everything is fine Johanna!” Gerard says pulling me into a kiss. But I don’t get the same feeling now. He looks at me and can tell something is wrong.
“Aren’t you happy?” He asks. I smile and nod.
“Yes” I lie. He gives me a weird look but doesn’t ask anything else. He takes my hand and we walk out of the doors and we get on the road.