For all the things I've done in my life, this is the worst. The stupidest...
"I knew you'd give in", smirked Bert walking towards me.
He pulled me into an embrace and wrapped his leg round my own. He rested his head of greasy locks on my shoulder in a flirtatious way- Fucking whore! So why am I enjoying this?
"You know what you have to do...", he whispered in my ear.
He lifted his head and kissed me. I kissed back.
I wrapper my arms round him - My drug dealer, again. But you don't get drugs for free nowadays... You have to give the dealer something, something they want. If it wasn't money, it was something else. In this case, I had to give myself to him. But I was willing to. Before Frank, Bert was the only one that understood me. He understood my pains, hates and wants. And I understood him inside and out. I had loved him once. But that was a while ago and should be forgotten.
My love for him had been erased from my heart when I met Frankie. But suddenly it was back. And it was raging. He pressed me against the brick wall of the dirty alley, as I opened my mouth hungrily for his tongue to venture into my pleading my mouth.
My hands pulled him closer, while his hands roamed my body. I moaned slightly when his light touch hit my thigh.
Then my thoughts cleared and rearranged to the correct order. What am I doing? Oh god, what am I doing to Frank?
Bert began to slowly pull me down to the dirty, cold floor.
I can't do this. I'm not going to do this! No drugs are worth this are worth it.
"Bert- S-stop!", I stuttered, trying to get his lips away from my own.
I chucked his body off me and staggered to my feet. I spat on the floor in disgust. I could taste his vile mouth in my own. My mouth, My body, My heart, My soul... It all belongs to Frankie...
For a while, me and Bert just stared at each other. Our scowls told everything, but a voice was needed.
"What... The... Hell...", Bert whispered slowly.
"I'm sorry Bert. I have a boyfriend. I can’t cheat on him. I never want to hurt him.", I breathed
I walked over to him and gave him a hand up.
"I want the drugs but I have to be responsible. I wouldn't responsible if I was back on drugs, would I?"
"Gee... What are you saying? W-why do you have to become some stupid, boring responsible adult?", whimpered Bert. He sounded so hurt and confused.
I began to walk off. I should have kept walking but my legs seemed to ache to turn the other way.
I stopped. I felt my body shake. I needed those drugs! Even if it killed me. I turned back, and I ran back into his arms.
"You can never run away from the good stuff", sighed Bert, dragging in on his cigarette.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
I washed down more pills with vodka. I felt dead inside and out. I had cheated, I was back on drugs, and I was cutting again. I looked down at wrists.
I felt cold. I couldn’t tell you if it was because of the drugs or because I was almost naked, accept for my boxers. I only knew that it was a terrible, bone chilling sense of cold.
I felt so dead...
That day, with Franks cramps, me cheating on him, me slitting my wrists and taking drugs... All of it made me feel dead. Deader than I've ever felt before. I got my sexual frustration out thanks to Bert, but sex was supposed to mean something. Not just be for enjoyment!
I really am pathetic. What am I going to do?
I just felt so dirty. Dirtier then I have ever felt. Every time I looked at my hands, my skin... It looked dusty, dirty and disgusting. These hands had touched Bert. Done things to Bert. For an hour, they were almost Bert’s.
Every part of me belongs to Frank and I've got them all muddy! Dirty...
Bert hadn't cared when I told him I had a boyfriend. The crazy fuck was in love with me, he didn’t care! But I am not his to love. When Frank finds out I'll be loved by know one…
Maybe I should tell him! It would be braver to go to Frank and say - "Frank, I did something awful. I cheated on you, for drugs. I'm so sorry and I love you and I'll do anything to make it up to you. And to make you happy. It'll never happen again because I love you. I also cut my self when you were in hospital, but now you're okay! Let forget about the horrible, stupid things I've done! Be happy and be a family..."
It would be better than him finding out on his own. For all the things I've done in my life, this is the worst. The stupidest...