Frank and Gerard were never perfect, but things weren't supposed to just end like this. They need each other. They keep each other grounded. They keep each other sane.
I know that song's played out by now, but omg it just randomly snuck itself into
my mind and won't let go.
My friend recommended listening to it over and over again until it wasn't stuck in
my head anymore, and it worked.
Whilst doing that, I wrote this. It kinda follows the story behind the lyrics to the song,
with some added twists.
Hope you all like it :) Let me know what you think!
As if Gerard's day wasn't already going to hell, he runs into him.
It's been three months since he's seen that boyish face, those heavily lidded eyes, that two shaded hair. Only, now, his hair has changed from the fierce contrast of peroxide blonde on black to a completely uniform, inky murk. It's longer, too. Gerard almost didn't recognize him from the back.
Gerard looks around Bob's apartment in search of the fastest escape route, but he's stopped in his tracks when those golden brown eyes turn around to meet his own emerald ones straight on.
Bob promised he wouldn't be here. What the hell.
The room is loud, full of pumping music and drunk voices belonging to friends of his and complete strangers alike. The stare down between the two young men continues until Gerard feels like the shorter's eyes are burning holes into his corneas. As much as he'd love to, he doesn't look away. He forces himself to stand his ground and win this unspoken battle, trying to protect his pride like some animalistic fool.
That's exactly what they are, fools. You'd think they were grown up enough by now to deal with their petty relationship issues like adults, but here they are, glaring at each other like they're still in high school.
Neither has given up, even though the atmosphere is becoming almost awkward. Gerard's demeanor is slowly cracking as he spots Ray out of the corner of his eye, making his way towards the pair. Gerard thought that he had just been imagining things when he felt eyes on him, but from the looks of it (what he can see from his peripheral vision, at least) quite a large crowd has formed around the two men, awaiting some form of confrontation.
Before Ray can reach his destination, Gerard finally breaks eye contact in favor of rolling them at the stupidity of the whole situation and leaving the room to light a smoke. God knows he really fucking needs one right about now.
He was hoping to find some peace and quiet alone outside in the parking lot of Bob's apartment, but of course, someone had to follow him.
"Ray, I'm fine. Go back to the party and leave me alo-"
"We need to talk."
Gerard almost drops his newly lit cigarette out of shock once he hears the familiar voice. The same voice that used to whisper in his ear and soothe him into sleep when he'd wake up in the middle of the night in a panic after having a terrible nightmare.
Instead of turning to face him and get this over with, Gerard decides to take a different route in hopes that he'll just drop it and let him be. Gerard keeps taking slow drags off his cigarette and stares straight ahead into the forest beyond the concrete of the parking lot as he answers the intruder.
"What do you want, Frank?"
Frank takes a few steps forward until he's stood directly in front of Gerard, forcing him to give him his full attention. Gerard childishly diverts his eyes to the ground instead, staring determinedly at a dried up wad of gum on the sidewalk while taking another inhale of sweet nicotine. Frank doesn't hesitate in grabbing the cigarette right out of Gerard's mouth and throwing it on the ground where he angrily stomps it out.
"What the fuck is your problem?" Gerard spits, annoyed that Frank just ruined the last cigarette in his pack.
"My problem? What the fuck is your problem?" he says as Gerard finally makes eye contact since their texas showdown in the living room. "Is this how things are gonna be now, every time we see each other you're just going to look at me like you want to rip my guts out and walk away?"
Gerard doesn't respond. He can't seem to find his voice. The sting of their nasty break up has haunted Gerard since the day it occurred. Things had been going down hill for months prior to the split, but it was still a shock to his system when Frank stood before him in the abandoned park they spent countless hours in together, confirming that he wanted to end things between the two lovers.
Gerard hadn't believed it at first. Frank and himself had a bad habit of spewing out harsh comments in the heat of the moment, only to take it back during a passionate session of make up sex a few days later.
Expecting things to be fine once he gave Frank some time to cool down, he called his cell phone the next day. Frank didn't answer, but he never answers his phone, so that was no surprise. Gerard decided to send him a text message instead, telling Frank to meet him at the park at six.
After waiting on a swing, dragging his feet through the sand way passed sun down, Gerard decided to try ringing Frank's cell phone. When the line stopped ringing after the ninth time, meaning Frank had turned off his phone all together, Gerard got the point. He was serious this time around.
The twelfth, and last time, Gerard calls, he leaves a voicemail.
I thought I deserved more than this after everything we've been through, but I guess I was wrong. I get it, we're over. You could have at least told me you didn't want to see me tonight. I've been sitting here waiting for you for hours like a fucking idiot.
There's a break of silence as Gerard breathes in and out, trying to calm himself down. He does not need to through a fit right now when Frank's not even on the line.
Come pick up your things from my apartment whenever you want, I guess. Goodbye.
And that was it, the last bit of communication he's had with Frank in months. Until tonight.
"Why should I treat you any different?" Gerard says, enraged that Frank thinks he deserves any better after he treated him. "We promised each other that we'd always stay friends no matter what happened between us. What happened to that, Frank?"
Frank looks away from Gerard's glare, defense giving way to the venom dripping off of his every word.
"We are still friends." he says meekly.
"A friend wouldn't send my own fucking brother over to my apartment to pick up his things instead of coming and getting them himself."
Gerard takes a step closer to Frank, who is now standing with his back pressed against the wall, in anger. Soon, his face is inches away from Frank's.
You can almost taste the tension in the air, only this time, it is all imitating from Gerard. Frank is so taken aback at Gerard's accusations that he forgets to put up a front.
"Stop over reacting," Frank says, "I was just busy and it was more convenient that way."
"Busy, huh?" Gerard says sarcastically, "Yeah, I'm sure you've been plenty busy messing around with that new guy you're with."
Frank watches as Gerard's usually bright eyes darken with hurt and jealousy.
"Is he a better fuck than me, is that it? Found someone worth your time and decided to forget all about me?"
"Don't be a prick, you know that's not true." Frank argues, appalled that Gerard actually believes he would treat him that way. Like he's some trash Frank so easily disposed of.
It's not fair that Gerard is playing the innocent by-stander card when he is anything but. Frank wasn't the only one who had a hand in the downfall of their relationship. Gerard made his fair share of unforgivable mistakes. How easily he forgets.
"We've been best friends for years, Frank. Way before we ever hooked up. It hurts to see you just walk out of my life without a second thought. I loved you with everything I had."
Frank looks into Gerard's eyes, searching for truth. What he sees there confirms that his words are true, but there's something Frank quite shake out of his thoughts.
"Do you still love me?" he asks timidly, fearing the answer.
"No," Gerard responds after a moment, "but it still hurts that you treated me this way."
"You know what hurts? When your boyfriend disappears for days at a time and no one knows where he is. Probably off on a bender, sleeping around with other guys." Frank says earnestly. "You don't know how many times you drove me sick worrying about you. I'm sorry if I couldn't handle keeping in touch, I just needed some time to get over all this and move on."
Gerard still looks angry, but it's more of a resigned type of anger at this point.
"Fine," he says, trying to force himself to see things in Frank's perspective, "but that's all behind us now, right? Come on, let's get back to the party."
Gerard retreats from his position next to Frank and begins to make his way back to Bob's apartment. He's half way to the stair case leading upstairs when he realizes Frank isn't following him.
He walks back to where they were last stood and finds Frank in the same place, looking up at the starless sky.
"I can't." he whispers, so quietly Gerard almost doesn't catch it.
"What do you mean you can't? Of course you can. The guys are probably wondering where we are and-"
Frank cuts Gerard off by grabbing hold of one of his hands. The gesture shocks Gerard into silence, meeting Frank's expectations.
"That's not what I meant." he says, looking up at Gerard with sadness in his eyes.
Gerard doesn't want to ask the next question, but knows it's inevitable. Luckily, Frank picks up on Gerard's reluctance and continues without further prompt on Gerard's part.
"I can't do this anymore. Us." says Frank, motioning between the two of them with his free hand. "I know I said we could stay friends, but I'm not strong enough for that. We'll just end up back together sooner or later and I don't want that."
Gerard shakes his head, confused as to why Frank is thinking this way.
"That doesn't need to happen."
"But it will, we both know it's true."
The tightness in Gerard's chest is nearly unbearable by now. This can't be happening, this isn't how things were supposed to go. Frank and Gerard were supposed to argue for a while, throw around a couple foul names neither really means, and then make up like they always do. No matter how upset Frank makes Gerard, the thought of completely cutting him out of his life has never crossed his mind.
Gerard needs Frank, the same way he knows Frank needs him, too. They keep each other grounded. They keep each other sane.
"So, what," Gerard says, breaking the heavy silence, "that's it? You never want to see me again?"
Frank says nothing in response, just nods his head and squeezes Gerard's hand.
Gerard makes sure he swallows the lump in his throat before speaking again. Crying is the last thing he needs to do in front of Frank right now. He's not some emotional teenager, he can deal with this just fine.
"If that's what you want…"
"It is." Frank says. From the sound of it, Gerard isn't the only one he's trying to convince here.
Frank looks up at the face he knows so well, the face he use to adore. Maybe still does. And that's the dangerous part, he can't let himself fall under Gerard's spell again. If he doesn't change things now, their lives will stay on the same cycle they have been through over and over again for the past few years. Sure, they always end up together, but neither of them are ever truly happy. Even if he can't see it now, Gerard needs this just as much as Frank does.
When Frank forces himself to look into Gerard's eyes, he regrets it immediately. He's never seen Gerard look so depressed. Crushed. Broken. To know that he is the reason for all that pain makes him want to take back everything he said, but he stops himself at the last second. Not this time.
Gerard and Frank stare at each other for a long time. Neither one says anything, they just take turns exploring the other's face, memorizing each and every curve, scar, and freckle, knowing this will be their last chance.
They both feel the kiss forming between them before either even leans in. It's the way they're looking into each other's eyes, deeper than they ever have, as if they're trying to find answers that don't exist in the other's irises. They know this will be the last kiss they will ever share, and they're both terrified to begin what will ultimately be the end.
Frank will convince himself that Gerard was the one who moved in first when he re-thinks this moment tonight in bed, possibly many nights following as well, but in reality, they both move in at the same time.
At first it's just a simple touch of lips, frightened and hesitant as if it were their first. It's not until Frank wraps his arms around Gerard's neck and Gerard snakes his around Frank's waist that the kiss deepens. It's pure passion and desperation from that point on, both wanting to savor the sweet nectar that they will never taste again.
Gerard backs Frank up against the wall, bringing a hand up to knot in his hair. In response, Frank inches closer to Gerard, bringing their chests together as he places both of his palms against Gerard's pale, sunken cheeks.
They both need to pull apart to breathe, but neither wants to, afraid of what may happen when they do. Frank is beginning to feel light headed due to lack of oxygen when he feels moisture touch the palms that are placed on Gerard's face.
He opens his eyes and pulls back a bit to see Gerard more clearly. The moisture, as it turns out, was not rain fall like he thought, but tears spilling over Gerard's dark lashes. Gerard's eyes are still tightly shut, but Frank can clearly see the steady tears cascade down his pale face.
"Gee" Frank whispers, struggling to hold back tears of his own.
Gerard manages to pry his eyes open at the sound of Frank's loving nickname, offering him a weak, watery smile. He leans his forehead against Frank's, praying to whatever God will listen that he can some how go back in time and right all the wrongs he's ever made toward the beautiful boy who's skin he is currently clutching onto for dear life.
Gerard has managed to compose himself a bit, but there are still a few rebel tears that escape against his will. Frank kisses them away, in hopes that it will comfort Gerard, but the gesture just makes him want to break down all over again.
Before he can change his mind, Gerard takes a few steps back, breaking the trance Frank and himself were incased in.
"Goodbye, Frankie." he says, after placing one final, chaste kiss on Frank's plump lips. And with a heavy heart, he forces himself to walk away in search for a ride home from Mikey, not looking back once.
"Bye, Gee." Frank whispers, even though Gerard is now too far away to hear him. He stares at Gerard's retreating figure until he's completely out of sight, and then collapses onto the sidewalk.
He stays seated there, cross-legged, trying to figure out when everything went wrong, until Ray comes in search of him two hours later.
There's a bright future ahead for both Frank and Gerard, he's sure of it. The clouds just haven't cleared enough yet to let the sun shine through.
Silent readers suck ;)