Together we made for one hell of a bad mistake.
“It was the worst kiss I’ve ever had.” I muttered, applying more toothpaste.
“It seems fitting that I give you the worst, since I’ve given you the best.” Brendon pointed out.
In a moment of weakness I lashed out, “Actually, you haven’t.”
“Excuse me?” Brendon’s smug smile fell from his face. “Who did then?”
“You know the answer to that.” I looked at him again, in the mirror.
“I think I want to hear you say it.”
“The best kiss I’ve ever gotten was from Spencer.” This time it didn’t’ feel so bad to hurt him, but that was because I was angry once again. I felt trapped, and though I knew I didn’t have to stay… I knew I had nowhere else to go.
“Is that right?” Brendon asked, sounding disgusted. “The guy you cheated on your husband with?” He was enjoying rubbing sand in to my open wounds. “The guy that kept the same secret from you that I did? He didn’t give a damn about your feelings Kacy, nor your freedom- or whatever absurd thing you think I’ve taken from you. In fact he used to hate you.”
I said nothing as I cleaned my toothbrush, focusing all of my attention upon it. “He used to hate you because he knew what you were, though I ignored it. Do you know what you are?”
I turned to look at Brendon, “You’ve said it enough. Why don’t you say it one more damn time?” I spit out, glaring at him.
“You’re a whore.” He happily obliged, spitting the word out with venomous hate.
I took a deep breath, “And I enjoyed every single second of it.”
I watched Brendon’s face twist in pain, then anger, then disgust- and then it happened all over again, and again. I said nothing as he grabbed my arm roughly and led me back in to our bedroom. “You belong with me.” He spit out, furiously. “You’re my wife, not his. You had my son, not his.” With each angry breath he took the stench of alcohol became stronger and I knew he was more than buzzed. How much did he drink? He shoved me forward on to our bed.
“You’re only supposed to sleep with me.” Brendon snapped, taking his belt off.
I watched but couldn’t force myself to be scared- not of Brendon. Brendon wouldn’t hurt me, no matter how angry he got. We’d both say things that we would regret but he would never hurt me. “I’m tired.” I mumbled, watching as he unzipped his jeans, stepping out of them.
Brendon’s eyes narrowed and he pulled his shirt off, “You look exhausted too.” I softly muttered, “Did you sleep at all last night?”
His eyes fell to the floor, “No. I didn’t know where you were.” His voice was suddenly full of emotion- anger nowhere to be heard. “I was so-s- so worried Kacy.” He stuttered and I was only mildly surprised to see tears fall on to his cheeks.
“Come here.” I mumbled, patting a spot on the bed next to me. I was beyond angry with Brendon and felt completely betrayed but he was drunk and I didn’t need him to be anymore pissed than he already was. The best thing for both of us was a little sleep.
Brendon stumbled to the bed, falling down next to me.
I carefully laid my head upon his chest, testing his reaction.
His fingers found my hair and he smoothed it out, breathing steadily. “I’m sorry.” He finally mumbled.
I said nothing, letting him speak once again.
Sometimes being strong meant shutting up, and shoving your feelings away until it was a good time to feel them.
“You know I’d never hurt you, right?” Brendon whispered, sleepily.
“I know.” I whispered back. He would never leave any marks anyway. The pain was already there, out of sight.
He’d broken my heart.
“Good.” Brendon answered, “I hate to think of you being scared of me. I just love you more than anything else in this world. You and Adam- you two are all that really matter to me.”
I just listened to him breathing and soon enough he was asleep. I followed soon after, letting his breathing lull me to sleep. I was really exhausted, and already so tired of fighting.
But that didn’t mean it was over.
I woke up in a cloud of confusion, with a headache to match. All of the yelling from earlier in the day had really done it. I blinked my eyes open to find Brendon staring down at me, mournfully. “Hi.” He mumbled, rubbing his temples.
“Hi.” I replied, sitting up quickly.
“Your mom called.” Brendon watched me as he spoke, “I don’t want to fight immediately but I- I gave her permission to take Adam to Florida with her.”
“What?” My eyes widened, “For how long? Brendon, he’s my son too! You can’t just… how long?”
“Two weeks.” Brendon replied, frowning. “And I’ve cancelled everything I’ve had lined up for the next three weeks.”
“Brendon, that’s two weeks that my baby will be out of the state.” I frowned, “You could’ve at least woken me up to ask me.”
“I’m sorry.” Brendon sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “I was trying to do the right thing. Adam doesn’t need to be around either of us while we sort this out.” He was right. I hated to admit it but he was.
I felt my frown deepen, “And without my cell phone I can’t even talk to him while he’s away.” I muttered, feeling a sinking sensation build within the pit of my stomach.
Brendon frowned again before stepping out of bed to pick up his jeans. He pulled out my keys and cell phone. He quickly tossed the cell phone on to the bed beside me and I glanced at it to see that I already had missed calls and texts. I didn’t check them yet though. “I’ll give you your keys back if you promise not to run off immediately. We need to talk.”
“I don’t want them. They are yours. It’s your money that bought them.” I replied, childishly. I wouldn’t give the cell phone back though because that was the only way I could get a hold of my son. I wasn’t going to enjoy the next two weeks. I’d never had him out of my life for so long.
Brendon sighed in annoyance, “I was drunk earlier Kacy. I’ve slept off most of the alcohol and I’m thinking clearly again, well as clearly as I can given the circumstances. I don’t want to take these things from you. They are yours. I don’t own you. You aren’t just a possession of mine. You’re my wife.” Brendon placed my keys on the bed beside my cell phone. “And everything I’ve achieved while with you was because of you. You kept me strong- You’re as deserving of all of this as I am.”
“You were right though.” I felt my voice weaken. “I don’t have anything without you. I’ve pretty much been leeching off of you for the last six years… and now I’m royally screwed.”
“Th-“ Brendon took a deep breath, “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about Kacy.”
“What?” I glanced up at him.
“We need to talk about our options.”
“I don’t understand.” I replied, after a few moments. Maybe my sleep teased brain just wasn’t working correctly yet but what option did I have other than leaving Brendon?
“We can either stay together and present ourselves as a happy family for Adam’s sake.” Brendon started, glancing at me with hope, “And I’ll treat you like a fucking princess until I die.” He took a deep breath, “Or I’m filing for full custody of Adam.”
“You can’t take my son from me.” I choked out, struggling to stand up. “You can’t do that Brendon.”
Brendon sighed, “I don’t want to be mean here Kacy but who is the more fit parent? I have a pretty damn good career, and enough money to provide for him… I have a stable home for him, and I can get a nanny to handle things while I’m working.”
A nanny raise my child?
The disgust inside of me was overwhelming and I was terrified of losing my son. Brendon continued, “Meanwhile… you have only what I’ve given you and though I won’t take your car or your cell phone… What else would you have? You’d still have to find a home, but you have no salary to work with. You could stay with your mom but how will that look to the court? And I will take this to court Kacy. I won’t lose my son. I don’t want to lose you- but where Adam comes in I at least have control.”
I couldn’t hold back anymore. As my options began to swirl around in my head the tears pricked at my eyelids, drops sliding down my cheeks. “You can’t take my son.” I weakly repeated, feeling numb inside.
“He’s my son too.” Brendon answered, frowning. “And I actually can. I’ve done a hell of a lot of research while you slept. I’ve already contacted a lawyer. Now it’s all just up to you.”
How long had I slept?
“Brendon-“ I couldn’t speak, the tears choking me.
“I don’t want to hurt you Kacy.” Brendon said, stepping closer. I felt his warm fingers brush my tears away. “I love you. I love our family; don’t you see that I’m just trying to do what’s best? I’m giving you the chance to stay with me, and to raise Adam.”
I pulled away from him in disgust, “How could I stay with a man who would coldly tear my son away from me, just because he has more money? You’re a lot colder than I ever could have known Brendon.”
Brendon sighed heavily, shrugging. “Well then, game over sweetheart.”
“No.” I whispered, the finality of his tone shattering me. “Please don’t do this Brendon.”
“Stay with me.” Brendon’s eyes burned in to me and I didn’t know what to do. I had no work experience, I had no money, I had no home, and I had no college degree to get me started above minimum wage- with a six year old son that just wouldn’t fly. Just one look at the both of us and the court would give Brendon full custody and I’d have to stand to the side as a nanny raised my son.
I didn’t say anything but my eyes gave Brendon permission as he stepped forward, guiding me back to our bed. Our shattered love cut in to the both of us like a knife as he pulled my shirt off quickly, and I could see the desire behind his eyes. He was driven by his rage and me by my hopelessness.
Together we made for one hell of a bad mistake.
Forty five minutes later I pulled myself out of bed, every inch of my body on fire. I’d never been so sore. Brendon had made sure I felt him, every single inch of him- and I knew it probably had something to do with the fact that I’d slept with Spencer. He wanted to best him, but instead he’d just hurt me.
He’d taken aggressive sex to a whole new level, and though it had been consensual… I still felt used. I doubted either of us had actually wanted the sex. We’d been doing it for empty reasons.
I listened to the sound of the water from the bathroom as Brendon continued showering.
I glanced at my cell phone which had fallen to the floor and I considered calling Adam but it had gotten late and I didn’t’ want to talk to him while I was like this. I was afraid that upon hearing his voice I would break apart- crying and sobbing. No child should hear their mother or father in such a broken state.
I heard the water shut off and I quickly exited the bedroom, not wanting to get stuck in conversation with Brendon. I wasn’t even sure I had enough emotion left inside of me to feel anything towards him. I was just hurt and I just wanted to disappear.
Though as much as he was hurting me… I knew I was hurting him too. I could see it in his eyes whenever he looked at me and my love for him clouded my judgment, causing me to find nothing wrong with his treatment of me.
I found myself in the kitchen and I quickly pulled out my secret stash of candy, which was in the second drawer. It was saved for special occasions- like for when people died. I’d only had to dig in to it once, and that was when Adam had been sick. He was hospitalized and I was a wreck. Brendon had flown home immediately and waited by my side, soothing me through the entire process. The candy and Brendon saved me from falling apart and Adam ended up being okay. This time all I had was the candy. As I bit in to a piece of chocolate Brendon appeared in the doorway, eyebrow rising at the sight.
“Oh baby, it’s going to be okay.” He immediately walked forward, using a soft tone.
It didn’t work like last time though because he was the cause of my pain- he couldn’t fix what he’d broken, and was continuing to break. It didn’t work that way. He didn’t get to hurt me and make me feel better.
Brendon’s arms wrapped around me and I shoved another piece of chocolate in to my mouth, forcing myself to shut up. I wanted to snap at him and there were a million things that I could say but I was taking the high road and saying nothing- knowing it was for the best.
“Are you upset about Adam being gone for so long?” Brendon finally asked, pulling away.
My mouth fell open a little.
How could he pretend to not know why I was upset?
“That’s adding to the stress.” I finally muttered.
“It’s okay.” Brendon gently took the chocolate out of my hand, setting it back on the counter. “I’m going to be here every single day for the next three weeks- and even longer if you need. I won’t go anywhere. I’ll stay here- I’ll be here to take care of you.” I shivered as Brendon ran his finger down my arm.
He made it sound like I was sick.
I wasn’t sick and I didn’t need anyone to take care of me- especially not him.
I grabbed for the chocolate bar but Brendon grabbed my arm gently, stopping me. “I think that maybe we should toss the junk food.” Brendon muttered, “It’s not healthy to have around.”
“What, worried about your wife getting fat?” I spit out, finding my anger. I didn’t appreciate my chocolate being taken away. I didn’t eat it much but when I did it was usually for a good reason, and not a good idea to take it from me.
“No, of course not.” Brendon’s expression softened, “I just thought that maybe now would be a good time to start getting healthy because you know… the healthier you are, the easier pregnancy is on your body.”
“But I-“ I bit my tongue before continuing on in confusion, “I’m not pregnant Brendon.”
“Not yet.” Brendon answered.
“What the hell did you take?” I demanded, glaring at him. “You have to be on something because I can’t smell any alcohol on your breath. So give it up, what’d you take?”
Brendon sighed heavily, “Nothing Kacy. You know that I don’t do drugs. I just- it’s been six years. It’s been long enough and we haven’t talked properly about expanding our family and having another baby. Remember how happy we were when we had Adam?”
“I remember being terrified.” I responded, “Neither of us knew what the hell we were doing. We panicked during the first one hundred diaper changes and when he cried neither of us could figure out what he wanted.”
Brendon smiled fondly, “Yeah but we figured it out together.”
“Then you wouldn’t touch me for almost a year.” I actually laughed at the memory, “You were afraid that you would break something inside of me- since I’d just gone through what you labeled a ‘traumatizing experience’.”
Brendon laughed as well, “And then when we finally did have sex the baby cried from the other room and I felt so guilty for a week.”
“I remember listening to you talk to him as he gazed up at you, quietly once you entered the room. It was the fastest either of us had ever gotten him to stop crying. You told him that you would always love him, but you-“
Brendon cut me off, “But I needed to love his mommy too.”
I blushed, embarrassed at the memory.
Brendon chuckled before frowning, “He made us realize what was really important.”
“But we can’t have another baby right now just because our marriage is falling apart.” I reasoned. “Things fell in to place with Adam because we didn’t really have any conflict then. We were just two people in love, raising a child to the best of our ability.”
“I’m still in love with you.” Brendon replied, gazing in to my eyes. “Are you still in love with me?”
I held my breath for a moment, searching for the answer. It didn’t come so easily, and I couldn’t reason with myself on either answer. “I don’t know Brendon.”
Brendon’s smile fell but he nodded, “I understand but I-“ He stopped and I stepped away from him, wincing as I sat on one of the bar stools.
“What’s wrong?” He asked.
“The sex was a bit rough.” I admitted, wincing again as I readjusted to get comfortable.
Brendon frowned, “I hurt you?”
“Yeah.” I admitted.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Brendon asked softly.
“I don’t want to lose Adam.”
I felt horrible guilt at the horrified look Brendon gave me. “So, you just decided to sleep with me instead? And decided it was better to just let me hurt you?”
“Yes.” I weakly answered, feeling the word ‘whore’ press down around me.
Brendon didn’t say anything and didn’t look at me. We let the silence sink in, and I reached for the chocolate bar again. Brendon made no move to stop me.
Seconds later he grabbed for his own chocolate bar and began eating it, surprising me.
I was sitting on the couch in the living room, eating a bowl of chocolate ice cream when someone started knocking on the front door. I was about to get it but Brendon suddenly appeared, “I’ll get it.” He assured me.
I just shrugged, comfortably falling back in to the couch I’d barely left.
I was watching ‘Roseanne’, wishing I was as strong as she was. Then maybe life would suck in a different way- a more manageable way. I mean, she’d never let some guy threaten to take her kid from her.
Brendon sounded disgruntled as his words reached my ears, “Make it fast.” I heard his footsteps and then after he left the room the front door shut.
I didn’t even glance up, figuring it was one of his friends.
Then, “Kacy, have you been crying?” I glanced up in horror to see Spencer gazing down at me, concern flooding his eyes. I clutched on to the bowl of ice cream with one hand, using the other to wipe away my tears.
Spencer- I had so much to say to him but…
Nothing came to mind.
What could I say?
I felt betrayed. I felt angry. I cared so much about him. Did he ever really care about me, or was I just another object in his fast paced life?
I didn’t know how to feel about him, or how to feel about Brendon. I just didn’t know anymore. Everything seemed so wrong now, was it ever right?
“Kacy?” Spencer prompted, continuing to stare at me. “Can we go for a walk?” He asked, glancing around suspiciously. I was sure he was paranoid that Brendon was listening in. He probably was.
“Sure.” I finally whispered, wincing as I sat up.
“What’s wrong?” Spencer immediately asked.
He didn’t need to know about the rough sex I’d taken part in earlier. “My foot fell asleep.” I lied, setting my bowl on the coffee table.
Spencer waited patiently, as I stood.
Once the front door closed behind us again the tears started up and I couldn’t keep them from falling.
The words weren’t so easily spilled.
But Spencer waited.
“So, you knew all along?” I finally asked, as the wind blew past us.
“I did.” Spencer’s voice was so low.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“It was a hard situation. I guess we all just fell in to it… and just took it for the new truth. I was afraid it would hurt you, to have you know… and you were already pregnant with Adam. I didn’t want you to hate him, since you would still be stuck to Brendon forever.”
Stuck to Brendon forever. Oh, I really was.
“I’m so confused.” I admitted.
“I don’t know how to feel.” Spencer’s hand found mine but I pulled it away, “And I’m sorry but I can’t- I don’t think its right to lead you on when I don’t really know what I’m doing.”
“I thought you were leaving Brendon?” Spencer asked.
“I thought I was too.”
“What changed?” Spencer asked, sounding upset.
“And you just decided to stay with him?”
“I don’t know yet.”
“But you’re going to live with him for now?” Spencer stopped, and so did I. “Did you sleep with him? You smell like sex.”
Fuck, was it that obvious? I should have showered. “I did.” I whispered, so ashamed. Again the word ‘whore’ popped up, viciously taunting me.
“Last time I stood to the side and helped you through your problems with Brendon when he cheated on you.” Spencer whispered, “I gave you my heart then. I’m sorry Kacy but I won’t do that again, not if you are just going to keep running back to Brendon. I can’t be the other guy forever.”
I couldn’t really say anything to that. He was right. I used him before. I led him on. “I’m just a whore.” I whispered, miserably. Brendon’s words were starting to sink in.
“What?” Spencer sounded appalled. “That’s not what I’m saying.”
“It’s what I’m saying.” I spit out, tears blurring my vision. “Please just stay away from me. Don’t even acknowledge me anymore. I’m not worth it.” My footsteps were all I heard as I walked away. Spencer stayed in place, and I could imagine the frown upon his perfect face.
I was just a whore.
Brendon was right.
And he was all I had.
All he had was fallen, broken… I was nothing but a shell of what I’d been- and I couldn’t even remember what that had been.