I needed her.
It was the ringing of my cell phone that woke me from my warm comfortable sleep and I dreaded opening my eyes, since the only comfort I now had was in my sleep. The pounding of my head proved to me that I’d been out drinking again. I used to know how to drink responsibly, now I just drank until I couldn’t see straight.
I reached out for my cell phone, knocking something off of the unfamiliar table. “Shit.” I heard a female voice mutter, sleepily. “Can you answer that?” The voice sounded familiar but there was no way in hell…
“Hayley?” I asked, not turning to look at the girl yet. I couldn’t handle the disappointment.
“Just a few more minutes please.” The girl muttered in response.
I turned around quickly, ignoring my ringing cell phone.
She was splayed out across her half of the bed, sleep fussed hair going in all different directions. I could see the pale skin of her back, as the blanket dipped down.
“Brendon, phone… please.” She begged, yawning. Then she turned over, facing me. I watched as her eyes blinked open.
“How could you leave me?” I asked softly, the phone ringing loudly in the background.
I didn’t care.
Hayley frowned, “Can I wake up before you ask me that?”
“I think it’s a little too late.” I responded. “I already asked.”
“I’ll pretend you didn’t.” She whispered, yawning again. “I just want a few more min- maybe a few more hours of sleep and then you can ask me again, okay?”
“Okay.” I laid my head back down, staring at the wall for a moment.
“Um, Brendon?” Hayley’s voice interrupted my thoughts, all directed towards the ceiling.
“Please answer your damn cell phone.” She pleaded.
“Oh.” I had forgotten. I sat up quickly, noticing my jeans were discarded by the motel room door. I didn’t want to leave bed but I did, digging my phone out. “Hello?”
“Brendon, where the fuck are you?” Ryan nearly screamed, and for a second I couldn’t hear anything.
“Whoa, please lower your voice.” I begged. “I’ve got a bad hang over and I’m in some crappy motel room.”
“It’s a nice crappy motel room.” Hayley argued in the background.
“I’m in a nice crappy motel room.” I corrected myself, stressing the word nice. This wasn’t really nice at all, but okay…
“Well, what nice crappy motel would that be?” Ryan asked, “And with who? I hear someone in the background! Who are you with Brendon?”
“I’m with Hayley.” I muttered, partially worried that I was dreaming. “And I’m really tired. I had a rough night. Can I call you later?”
“Hayley? The heartbreaking Hayley?” Ryan asked.
“Yes, that one.” I answered, glancing towards the bed. Hayley had pulled a pillow over her head, as she tried to fall back asleep.
“Are you okay man?” Ryan asked softly.
“I am. I just want to… talk to her, if she’ll talk to me. Was something up?”
“No, we are all just worried about you. Hayley’s friend Amy actually called Spencer too. I guess Hayley’s been MIA for the last few days, kind of like you.”
“Really? Well she’s here now and she’s fine. I’ll have her call Amy when she wakes up.” I responded quickly, wanting so badly to crawl back in to bed with her.
“Call me tonight!” Ryan quickly responded, “Or at least text.”
“I will.” I said, hanging up. I quickly turned my phone to silent and crawled back under the warm blankets. Hayley objected sleepily as I pulled her against my bare chest but I paid her no mind. I’d suffered enough since she left. I wanted this and I was going to get this.
I just wanted to hold her.
Hayley sighed heavily, “Your erection is pushing against my back.” She complained.
“I’m sorry. It’s the morning wood.” I replied, yawning.
“Do I really make you want to die?” I froze at Hayley’s question. Her voice was filled with pain- the pain I felt.
“Yes.” I responded truthfully. “I can’t handle not having you in my life.”
“Promise me you’ll never ask someone that again.” Hayley begged, and I wasn’t sure what she meant. Had I asked her to kill me the other night? Go drunk Brendon!
I was such an idiot.
“What?” I stupidly asked.
“You asked me to kill you last night.” Hayley confirmed my suspicions. “The next person you ask might not be so… inclined to keep you alive.” She hesitantly said, now sounding wide awake. “Please don’t do that again. If you died… I don’t know what I’d do.”
“So, you care about me then?”
“You know that I do Brendon.”
“Then why not be with me?” I asked, wanting a clear answer. She hadn’t given me one before. I wouldn’t let her leave this damn motel room until she answered me.
“Because I-“ I could tell that Hayley was biting her lip.
“Go on, tell me.” I urged her.
“Because I can’t.”
“It takes more than this.” I didn’t understand what she was saying.
“What is that smell?” I asked, breaking away from her. I lost track of my feelings for a moment as the smell became a bit more overwhelming.
“You puked… just about everywhere last night.” Hayley replied.
“Great, the night I get horribly sick is the night that you decide to stay- of all nights.” I said, dryly. “I should shower then.” I pulled away from her but stopped in place after sitting up. “Hayley, don’t leave. Please don’t. Not while I’m in the shower. Don’t do that to me again. We can talk this through like adults.”
Hayley smiled sadly, “We can talk it through to the best of our abilities Brendon but nothing has changed.”
“How can you say that?” I shook my head, “We both obviously care about each other and I’m not going to hurt you anytime soon… So why the fuck are you running from me like I’m the worst thing that’s ever happened to y- Oh.” I shut up, frowning.
“Don’t make assumptions.” Hayley warned. “You’ll be wrong.” I wasn’t so sure that I was wrong. Was I the worst thing that had happened to her? Fuck. “Go shower. I’m going to try to get a little more sleep.” Hayley said, “I’ll still be here when you get out.”
I didn’t quite believe her but I rushed to the bathroom- knowing that I needed to shower. It would be the quickest shower I’d ever taken.
Please still be waiting for me Hayley. I waited for you for so long.
If I’m the worst thing that’s ever happened to you then I’ll… I’ll change.
I’ll do anything.
Please just stay.
The shower was long and drawn out. I took my time, thinking through everything. Hayley- she just couldn’t leave. She meant something to me, more than a one night stand. She was my best friend. She had to see that staying was the best choice available.
I had to make her understand.
And if I had to… I wasn’t above begging.
I reached for a towel but stopped, realizing the only available towels were on the ground- and with disgust I realized Hayley had probably tried to clean my vomit up with them. She must have had a lovely night.
As I stepped out I tried so hard to remember the previous night. All I could remember was my back being rubbed. She probably rubbed my back while I vomited. Everything she did proved she cared, so why was she so willing to just walk away from what we could have?
I stepped out of the bathroom, abruptly stopping in place.
Hayley was gone.
No. Oh please no.
The bed was empty.
She was gone.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hit someone, or something. I was so mad! I was so sad. I felt a million things, none of the emotions coming close to happiness.
Without really thinking through my actions I threw my fist against the wall, wincing as it made contact. The wall was poorly constructed, and my fist moved through it- not quite easily, but it still went right through.
There was blood and pain, and then- embarrassment.
Because seconds later the door opened and Hayley stepped inside, carrying two sodas and a bucket of what appeared to be ice.
She glanced at me, right as I pulled my fist from the wall.
We just looked at each other for several seconds.
“Hi.” She finally spoke.
“Hi.” I awkwardly responded, feeling like a fool.
I started walking towards her, frowning as she stepped back- until her back hit the wall.
I was done thinking.
I roughly pressed my lips against hers, feeling her gasp.
I wanted her.
I needed her.
And right now I had her.