Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > 'Cause Love Isn't About Affection, It's About Leadership1 Reviews
my five minutes of happiness.
I hadn't exactly been drinking mineral water myself, and was baffled to say the least by this new tingling sensation in my bones, the inaccuracy of my physical movements and the incoherent twist my speach had taken. I was suddenly starting to see why the man with the basker, the 'goldmine', found himself content sitting on the same bar stool night after night, only concentrating on the liquor and his mustache.
It wasn't a bad feeling at all, though I often found myself blushing over my clumsiness as I moved or my slightly slurred words.
I also discovered something about myself, an inconvenient habit while under the influence of alcohol - I was talking too much. On more than one occasion I had shut up mid-sentence, if not mid-word, when realizing that my story had taken a path to which I wasn't allowed to go conversing with humans.
I received a hesitant glance from Gerard (it was amazing how he seemed to notice and managed to throw in a warning look despite his very drunken condition) and pretended to start coughing uncotrollably, or faked some equally lame gesture to cover my ass. I had to watch my tongue more than I had ever before.
The gig had gone well, and the guys seemed to have decided to have the after party here before asking anybody. I found myself a little anxious at the situation at first, being the one responsible for the night, but gave in before I even gave it a second thought.
I was desperate to feel Frank's presence even though he made no attempt to speak to me or even look at me. I felt that this was, if not my last, then atleast one of the very rare occasions that I would even come near to spending time with him.
He sat at the very opposite end of the table, while I was cramped between a barely conscious Gerard and the drummer of the band who had previously identified himself as Matt. I took a disliking to the man immediately though for the life of me I couldn't figure out why.
He was loud - that was one thing, but so was the blonde woman and the bass player as well. And Gerard, ofcourse, before he had reached the state he was dwelling in at the moment. I could still hear his contagious, reckless laugh echo in the otherwise deserted bar area, and found myself smiling at the sounds that weren't truly there.
"I wanna go out for a smoke" he declared, the words served with a series of grunts.
"Come" I said "I'll help you with the back door- it's a little tricky sometimes and we don't want you to get locked out"
I pushed the chair back so I could straighten myself and gave a helping, though a bit unsteady, hand to Gerard. He grabbed it roughly and pulled himself up, nearly knocking me over in the process.
We stumbled into the staff area, and after fighting with the door for a moment to make sure it wouldn't lock down behind us, headed out.
Gerard fumbled with the pack of cigarettes and the lighter. I helped him place one between his lips and surprised myself by taking another for myself. I lit them up and realized that it didn't make me cough like I always thought it would. Instead, I took long drags and enjoyed the lingering feeling in my chest and veins.
"You've been smoking before?" I heard him ask
"Nope. But it feels kind of nice" I shrugged.
"Listen" he started, but it took a while for him to carry on with the sentence. It felt like suddenly everything was on slow motion for the both of us.
"I don't get why you said you had to leave so quickly, and why you thought you needed to brake off all contact with us" He finally gushed out.
"I already explained it to you, Gerard. What with me being alien slash vampire and stuff" I giggled like it wasn't the truth, but the stupidest thing I'd ever heard.
"But you said your human now. And you're here now, with us. It's not like there's any danger, right?" After some adjusting, he managed to look me in the eye. "cause you're human" He repeated and nodded.
"I'm human" I confirmed, with an edge of defiance I couldn't think of a reason to in my tone, resisting the strong urge to add that it didn't necessarily guarantee any absence of danger, not around Frank, atleast.
I swallowed and threw the still burning cigarette away, smiling as it looked like a solitary firefly in the pitch dark night.
We made our way back to the bar, in which most of the group lay sprawled on the soft benches of the booths. I noticed an improvement in Gerard's state, his eyes shone brightly again, all the drowsyness and most of the slurriness gone. He let his loud maniac laugh fill the room at the sight.
"I guess we're the only survivors" He snickered ruffling my hair.
"Where's Frank, though?" I asked, scanning the room with my inaccurate eyes.
"Hm. bathroom, maybe?" Gerard went to pour himself another drink.
I felt a pang of guilt and reminded myself the hundredth time to put everything in my tab in the morning and pay up.
I can't say why I shuffeled back into the backroom. If I'd have to explain myself, I'd guess that my feet were idle and my sleepy company wasn't busy keeping my attention elsewhere. Also, for a reason I can't put my finger on, I wanted to look for Frank.
What I would say to him- I had no idea, but started for the door nevertheless and once in the staff area, I could see that the backdoor had been opened. I hesitated for a moment- did I really want to put myself in that awkward situation? Some part of me, no matter how small it may be, couldn't help but wish that if I had him alone for a few minutes then maybe, just maybe, I could talk him into not hating me so much.
I had to stop and wonder where all my previous determination had gone, the sense of right and wrong that had driven me to make the decision I'd actually at the time declared noble. I chuckled to myself as I realized that none of it had mattered anyhow. Right now in this moment, nothing I'd done before had made a difference. Well for the good, I mean.
I had left believing I was doing the right thing. I had left thinking I was hazardous - which I was, I admitted to myself- and that I did not belong in the human world while the old instincts in me were still so unpredictable. Why could I not make myself consider these things now? On the contrary, I was trying to make amends, to make the guys, Frank more acccurately, forgive me for my hastiness and lies.
Was I human enough now? What good had my three months isolation done me - had I become less unpredictable, less dangerous? I didn't know. But was I really ready to find out and find it out with Frank? To test my limits on him?
I stared blankly into nothing while I pondered and even though every voice of reason I had in me screamed at me, begged me, to let him be and drift back to the bar area, I found that I couldn't move an inch.
I wouldn't, because while my brain kept on explaining that the last thing I wanted was to be left alone with him, every cell of my body ached for it. And now I had a chance, perhaps even the last one, I suddenly understood.
Astonished and shocked by this realization, I pushed the door open and my eyes fell on the loveliest face I had ever seen. He was crouched on the damp concrete, smoking a cigarette and he looked up as I stepped out.
"Hey" I whispered tentatively. "How did you get past me and Gerard? We just came back in and you were already out"
"I dunno, didn't see you guys" He shrugged, not really paying attention to me.
I wanted to touch him, to stroke his face gently with the back of my palm, to reach out and feel his hair. I knew I was playing with fire, and maybe it was the selfishness, the essence of human nature as well as any other being's, or the alcohol in my blood system, but at the moment I didn't care one last bit.
I wasn't going to touch him, no, he wouldn't want me to, but I sure wasn't leaving either.
This was my five minutes of happiness, or as happy as it would get, and I was going to live and memorize each second of it, admiring his beauty from such a nonexisting distance.
"Frank.." I started, not really knowing what I was about to say. Forgive me? Let's be friends? Ugh! Luckily, he cut me off and before I was done feeling relieved for the interruption, I felt an unnerving sense of confusion his words brought.
"Are you and Gerard an item now or what? He's such a marshmallow" he half spat.
"No" I replied quickly "We're friends" I explained, staring at my feet. The seconds ticked by and I couldn't decide on whether the silence was thick with words unspoken or just plain awkward. I could feel the confidence burst sowly dying, replaced by every-growing insecurity.
"I missed you, you know" his voice was a low rasp, lower than a whisper but more audible in a way, and it sent needles straight through my heart, making the burning guilt resurface.
My leaving had been worth nothing. 'I don't wanna hurt anybody, I shouldn't be around people yadda yadda yadda'.. And here I was. Around people. Around the same people, with the only exception being that by my sudden departure and the pack of lies I'd managed to hurt these people.
I hung my head, not knowing what to say.
"Yeah, I said I missed you" He repeated, louder this time, with some sort of a bitter, huffed laugh and before I had the time to come up with a decent response, he continued speaking
"I missed you like hell and it's fucking crazy!" His voice reached the volume of a yell now, and I was taken back by his sudden display of emotion. "It's crazy because... Well, because you're crazy! And because I don't know you, and mostly because you're nothing but a liar. Yet I missed you!" He exclaimed standing up and my first thought was to try and shush him as to prevent him from drawing attention.
The last thing I wanted was Gerard to butt in.
I opened my mouth, the closed it. All words seemed to have failed me, and I stood there, silent, trying to make sense of what he said.
"I.." He threw his hands up in what I took as frustration.
"I missed you" he repeated again in a shaky whisper and I was suddenly extremely aware of his closeness, his hot breath on my skin as he, for what felt like the first time during the night, looked me in the eye.
His gaze felt too intimate, it was intruding my thoughts, my feelings, but I couldn't break away. I was lost in his eyes the moment he laid them on me.
I noticed his hand move toward my face, hesitantly yet defiantly, and I felt myself taking a step closer. Somewhere, in the back of my obscured mind, I could hear myself screaming at my legs but they wouldn't listen anymore.
My common sense, my rationality, had had its chance three months ago, and it had done only ueless damage. Now it was my body's turn to have a shot - I took another step, closing the last of the gap between our bodies.
I felt the fabric of his black t-shirt brush against my jacket. the warmth that radiated off of him was over-whelming.
"I can't" I finally sputtered, exhaling for what felt like the first time in minutes. Out of breath, I took a step back, and another, until my back reste against the cold of the brick wall behind me.
"Why?" His voice rose "What's so wrong about this?" he roared, moving closer.
"I'm sorry" I couldn't think of anything else to say. His lack of control started to frighten me, not because I felt scared of him, but because it was seriously starting to affect my control.
"What's so fucking wrong about this?" he barked again, his eyes intense with some unidentifiable emotion, his features almost pained and twisted with frustration, anger, agony. I couldn't begin to understand.
His hands appeared on each side of my head, blocking my way and forcing my undivided attention on his face only - a face, that was breathtakingly close to mine.
His lips found mine with such force that I felt an involuntary whimper escape my throat. His breath was hot and wet and it made shivers go down my spine, shivers that made my skin ache and hurt. I kissed him back, roughly, without ever meaning to.
There was a urgent edge to it - a despair way more powerful than anything I'd ever felt in my existance and before I knew it, I felt hot, bitter tears roll down my cheeks.
I wanted to pull away - this didn't mean to him what it meant to me and I could hear my heart braking in his arms.
Had I forgot? Had I not expected what followed?
In a blink of an eye I could feel my senses sharpen again, I heard everything. I could smell him, feel him, taste him. Everything was clear and accurate, almost calculated. I threw my head back and gasped, I needed fresh air now!
I needed to breath anything, absolutely anything else than him. He was kissing my neck now, I was torn between the pleasure and the bloodlust. It would be so easy, I thought.. Just a tiny little movement. As our touch had brought my senses back, I had most likely regained my strenght for the moment, too.
Just a tiny movement and it would be over..
His lips were suddenly back on mine, soft and hard at the same time.
My thoughts were racing, I could feel the drive build up, even stronger than before.
It had a chokehold on me.
And then... I couldn't resist.