Darkness has enveloped Tristan's life. Will it all come crashing down for good? Tristan's sixteenth birthday and Frank's birthday on Halloween! Will Gerard and Tristan finally tell each other how t...
But Does Anyone Notice, but Does Anyone Care
-October 31, 2001-
“I think I made the wings too big…oh wow that looks beautiful,” Donna was adjusting the wings to my dark fairy costume, which she and Grandma Rush had made for me for my birthday.
“Oh Tristan…you look beautiful…” Blaine said as he finished my hair. He had taken it and curled it up to look like a Greek Goddess. He had also done my makeup as an extremely dark fairy with black and red on my eyes that made it look like a mask and glitter everywhere.
My costume was a black corset with red ribbons tying it together in the back, where the black and red wings came out. I had a short black skirt on that covered my butt and not much else. I wore one black flat and my walking black boot for my other leg and I still looked good.
“Frank should be here any minute,” Blaine pointed out as we all struggled to get ready for the party.
It was my sixteenth birthday and Frank’s twentieth birthday and of course it was Halloween. I still was not talking. It seemed easier to just be, than talk about what had happened. I wanted to enjoy my youth and live like every day was my last, so I agreed to go to the party that some of Frank’s friends were throwing for us. Gerard, Mikey, Jamia, Frank, Blaine, and I were going together. Kat was supposed to meet us there. Yes, somehow the witch was still around. I will never know what Gerard saw in her. The party was in New York at some big club.
I was excited to say the least. Frank was going as a caveman, which was funny cause of his stupid long hair which I hate. Jamia was going as a cave woman to match Frank. I thought that was cute. Blaine was a circus majorette. Mikey was a woman. Don’t ask me, I have no clue why, but he made a cute one. Gerard was a vampire. I have no idea what Kat was going as and I really didn’t care.
“Are you ready yet?” Gerard asked as he came up the stairs from the basement with his short dark hair all spiked up, “Frank just pulled up.”
“She’s ready,” Blaine said as he turned me around toward Gerard. The look on his face was that of shock and then some clarity in his hazel eyes.
“You look…..ummmm….you look….beautiful…” Gerard finally choked out. I giggled and smiled.
“I need pictures!” Donna cried as she raced for her camera.
The whole group of us, including Frank, Mikey, Jamia, Blaine, Gerard, and I posed for Donna.
The group broke up and scattered toward the door to get in the van. Gerard helped me in the van. The leg was still slowing me down, but physical therapy was helping. My side wasn’t hurting quite as much. I was still depressed, but tried not to show it.
“Alright time to PARTY!!” Frank cried excitedly from the front of the van. We rode for a while when we reached the border between New Jersey and New York. I reached for the handle and got out of the van. Gerard followed.
“What are you doing?” Gerard asked as I walked to the border. I put one leg in New York and one leg in New Jersey and smiled.
“Oh now I see….you are in two places at once,” Gerard said and did the same. We stood there for a few minutes with everyone yelling for us to get back in the van. We finally did get in the van, but we had shared a moment out there in the dark that no one would ever know about.
We finally rolled into a large parking lot that was extremely full of other vehicles.
“This place is packed!” Blaine pointed out as everyone got out of the van. Gerard helped me out, being careful not to hurt me.
“Yup…it’s Halloween!” Frank cried and took Jamia’s hand and walked toward the entrance.
I smiled and skipped forward with Gerard as my escort. Kat was nowhere to be found and I was ok with this.
“After you…” Gerard held the heavy entrance door open for me. I smiled and walked through the door into a large amphitheater filled with hundreds of Halloween party goers and music blaring. There was a large banner right in front of us saying ‘Happy Birthday Tristan and Frank!’
We were greeted by a bunch of people in costumes ranging from creepy as hell to cute and childlike. The party was being thrown with the help of Eyeball Records; which was the record company that Pencey Prep was signed with. Apparently for the last couple months Pencey Prep wasn’t doing very well, but Frank didn’t say anything about it. He was always going on about how much fun they were having touring. The summer tour was a hit, but I guess it is now going downhill. Frank would never say anything about it, he would just let it fester on his mind and put him a deep depression, instead of talking about it. That is how we both are really.
“Happy Birthday Tristan and Frank!!” Alex from Eyeball shouted over the roar of the crowd. He hugged us and I went further into the crowd while Frank stayed to chat with Alex.
Gerard nudged me, “You wanna dance?”
I looked at him with a smile, while he took my hand, led me into the crowd, twirled me around, and I landed in his arms. I giggled and blushed as he started to dance to a rock song. A few songs went by when a slow song came on the system.
Gerard pulled me closer to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he had his tracing the small of my back, causing me to have goose bumps run down my body. Gerard’s hair was lightly grazing my skin and I was flying high with the ecstasy of the night. The loud music, elaborate costumes, drunk friends, and the joy of turning sixteen was just about too much for one person to bare, yet I was feeling so amazingly happy. The night was perfect…..
Suddenly as I was just too far into the feelings of the night, I was yanked backward away from Gerard. I looked up to see Gerard’s surprised vampire painted face looking at me and the person that had pulled me away so violently.
“What do you think you are DOING?” Kat screamed violently as people around us stared and started to form a circle around us.
“We were just dancing….it’s her BIRTHDAY!” Gerard defended as she got closer to him.
I shook my head. Then I simply and without looking back, turned around and limped toward Blaine. I wasn’t gonna just stand there and watch as she emasculated him in public. If he wanted her, he could have her. I wasn’t gonna stand by every time we got too close and watch when she freaked out.
“TRISTAN!! Hey TRISTAN!!” Gerard yelled over the crowd from behind me. I turned to see him pushing his way through the crowd toward me. “Tristan, where are you going?” Gerard asked when he finally caught up to me.
I nodded toward Blaine and then gave him a questioning look.
“What….?” Gerard asked knowing what I was hinting toward. “Oh….she left after she made an ass out of herself. She seems to do that a lot, especially in public.” Gerard tried to laugh it off, but I could see he was embarrassed, so I just took his hand and led him back to the middle of the dance floor. A faster song was on, so I started to dance again to the beat of the music. It was like being at a rave with the energy of the sea of people all around you.
“Did Mikey tell you about me starting a band?” Gerard asked as he danced with me.
I could barely hear him over the music, but shook my head no. I knew this was coming from him writing all those songs here lately…since….I gulped back the darkness of those memories.
“He need to learn bass, can you help him?” Gerard asked.
I nodded yes. I knew how to play guitar, bass, drums, and piano. Music was and is my passion.
“I want you on guitar. I was thinking of calling Ray Toro for lead guitar. I heard he was playing drums in a punk band and that really bums me out because he is best guitar player I know.” Gerard went on, but my mind was on the words, ‘I want you on guitar’. He wanted me in the band…I came back to Earth. I was really psyched about playing with Ray Toro. He is an amazing guitar playing. In what hell spawn band made the man with the plan, Ray Toro, play the fucking drums? “Oh I could call Matt for drums…” I stopped dancing for a moment, and then made myself continue. I hated Matt. He was an arrogant asshole who was never nice to me. He treated me like a child and he hated me too. Plus he sucks so much at the drums. No one wanted him in their bands, but he and Gerard were friends, so I had to be supportive. “I talked to Frank earlier and he said Pencey Prep will let us use their practice space whenever we needed it.” I smiled and continued dancing.
We danced a few more songs and then all of us got pictures all together and then in smaller groups.
At about 10:00 PM, our friends rolled out a giant Halloween themed cake for Frank and me. The party stopped for a moment while everyone sang Happy Birthday to us. We blew out the candles and Frank cut the cake. The party went on full blast as everyone drank and ate cake.
“I just love you so much, my beautiful cousin…” Blaine kinda slurred as he approached me from the dance floor. I was sitting at a table, playing with my cake as I watched everyone dance.
Frank was making out with Jamia. Mikey was nowhere to be found. Gerard was chatting with Alex from Eyeball and I was alone until Blaine came to my rescue.
I smiled and bowed my head in agreement.
“So when are you gonna get with that?” Blaine sat next to me and pointed toward Gerard.
I hit his hand and didn’t attempt to answer that question. Blaine put his arm around my shoulders, squishing my wings, “you realize that you two were made for each other, right?” Blaine asked.
I shook my head no….I knew we would never be.
“You’ll see….someday…..care to dance?” Blaine halfheartedly let the situation slide as he guided me out to the dance floor.
The rest of the night was a blur really. More dancing, cake, pictures, drunken slurs, fights, couples making out, and just so much motion.
At around 1:00 AM, I sat back down with my water bottle at the table I was at before. I took a long drink of it and took my wings off. The party was winding down. Everyone was leaving. The lights were being turned on and a clean crew was coming in to assess the damage.
“Hey, I’ve been looking for you……” Gerard said as I stood up to greet him, but I was feeling dizzy.
I shook my head as Gerard caught me before I fell. What the hell was wrong? I was fine a second ago….
“Tristan…are you ok?” Gerard asked as he waved toward Blaine and Frank.
I shook my head yes. I shook it off. I had had a glorious night and was tired. Yea that was it. I let go of him and started toward the bathroom, but before I was halfway there I felt something take over and I fell….
“Tristan…are you ok?” I asked as I waved Blaine and Frank over. Maybe they could help me get Tristan to the van.
Tristan shook it off and started for the bathroom then I watched her fall to the ground.
“TRISTAN!” I ran to her and she was unconscious. She then started to convulse violently.
“What is happening?” I cried as Frank, Blaine, Mikey, and Jamia flew toward us.
“She’s having a seizure…” Frank had almost calmly.
“What? Why?” I asked trying to hold Tristan still.
“Steady her head and her arms and legs. Don’t let her hurt herself…Where is her shot?” Frank was barking orders.
“Oh…I got it…” Jamia handed Frank the shot from her purse.
“Mikey watch your hand…I gotta stick her leg.” Frank announced while taking the protective package off the syringe. Mikey moved his hand. I watched as I held her head still. Frank jammed the needle into her leg and as soon as the serum went into her system, the seizure stopped.
“Better grab her a bucket…” Frank suggested and Blaine ran for one.
“Why?” I asked as I let go of her head.
“In a minute she will wake up and throw up. That is what the medicine is for. It stops the seizure, wakes her up, and makes her throw up. Just in case what ever made her have a seizure was ingested.” Frank explained as Blaine returned with a bowl.
Just as he did, Tristan woke.
Throwing up violently for a few minutes till dry heaving
“Are you ok?” Frank asked, while handing me a towel to wipe my face off.
I shook my head yes. I actually did feel a bit better. I sat up and looked at everyone around me.
“What made you sick? What did you eat? What did you drink?” Frank asked, trying to figure out what had made his sister so ill.
I pointed to my previous location at the table. I got up and walked over to it and picked up the bottle of water…
“Someone put something in your water….?” Gerard asked.
“They had to have…” Frank pointed out. “No one knows about her allergy but us and the Ways…”
“I know who did this…” Gerard said with a strange look on his face.
Frank dropped Mikey, Gerard, and I at the Way house later after my episode. Frank kept telling Gerard on the ride home that he needed to keep an eye on me since he wasn’t taking me to the hospital, because he knew how much I hated them. I had looked out the window at the passing darkness, thinking about who had drugged me. Gerard was supposed to pick up my new syringes the next day after Frank called in a prescription refill. Dad was so going to find out about this. I hated that.
Mikey hugged me before he went upstairs to his room, while Gerard and I went toward the basement. Gerard beat me to the shower and I sat on the couch and took off my shoe. After he got out and took over the shower and bathroom.
I felt weak. I am weak. I’m incomplete. I stared at myself in the mirror in shame. I hate myself for being so weak. I wanted to scream and break things, but I restrained from being violent and got into the shower. I cried so hard that I couldn’t breathe. I tried to be silent, but I’m sure I wasn’t. I couldn’t stop it this time. I wanted so much to be happy and live life the way I wanted, but it was never going to happen. The shower didn’t help my nerves. I got out, dried off, put my boot back on, and got dressed in shorts and a black tee shirt.
I couldn’t keep living like this. Sometimes happy and thinking life is amazing, while the other times I hate my life so much I want to die like I do right now. There I said it, I want to die.
The rest of the night I was lying on the couch in the dark listening to Gerard breathing. I finally fell asleep wondering if I had the guts to end my life.
Waking in the morning, my mind was still in a dark place. I looked over to see Gerard’s bed was empty. Where did he go? Why is he gone? Is he with her? What does she have that I don’t? Why doesn’t he want me? I couldn’t stop the constant stream of questions that were crowding up my mind.
I could feel the darkness coming in, enveloping me in a shadow that consumed me. I don’t want to be here anymore. Why am I still alive? Why? I don’t want to live anymore, I realized.
I sat up on the couch and swung my legs over the side, putting my head in my hands as tears streamed down my face.
I can’t take it anymore. I hate the looks everyone keeps giving me, like I’m some sort of alien or freak. I love Gerard so much, but he doesn’t feel the same. He never will. I run my hands through my tangled dark hair trying not to cry.
Goddamn I’m so fucking weak. I can’t shake the thoughts. Why am I still alive? Why? Fucking why? I want to scream, but I resist the urge and I groan inwardly. I’m alone. He doesn’t love me. Why doesn’t he love me? Why won’t he want me? Stop! The thoughts won’t stop. STOP! I hate myself! There has to be away out. I want everything to be over!
I finally muster the guts to get up and race over to my bag next to Gerard’s bed. I pull out a prescription bottle of sleeping pills that I hadn’t used any of yet. I held the bottle in my shaking hands and I cried harder. I then took the lid off and poured the pills into my small, shaking hands. I stared down at them wondering if anyone would care when I was dead and gone.
Before I could chicken out, I put the pills into my mouth with a bottle of water next to his bed. I dropped the empty bottle onto his bed. I then looked over at the wall above Gerard’s desk, the one with all the drawings of me. Why does he have those? Why? My head was spinning and my vision was beginning to blur after a few minutes. He doesn’t love me. He just led me on.
I started to stagger toward the couch, but I didn’t make it before collapsing in the floor right next to Gerard’s bed.
I closed my eyes welcoming the end. Gerard…I loved you.
Gerard pulled into the driveway in his silver Subaru. He turned the engine off, picked up the prescription that he had just gone to pick up for Tristan.
He got out of the car and went down the stairs, opened the door, and walked in. The room was so dark. Why wasn’t Tristan up? He switched the light on, his eyes adjusting to the new found light of the room.
His mouth gaped open when he saw Tristan sprawled on the floor next to his bad. He dropped the medicine in his hand and ran toward her.
“TRISTAN! OH MY GOD! TRISTAN!” Gerard lifted Tristan’s limp up into his lap. He shook her, but she didn’t stir. What the hell is wrong? She didn’t open her eyes.
Gerard began to panic. “TRISTAN! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!” Gerard searched her face, but there was nothing there.
She was barely breathing. “TRISTAN! WHAT IS WRONG?” He cried. Gerard frantically searched the room, looking for anything to explain why she wasn’t waking up. His eyes fell on an empty prescription bottle on his bed. His heart sank to the floor from his realization of her actions.
“TRISTAN!! OH MY GOD! DON’T YOU DIE!” His voice shook and tears rolled down his face. He got up quickly, pulling Tristan up into his arms. He ran toward the bathroom.
“TRISTAN! DON’T YOU DIE ON ME! TRISTAN!” His voice was full of pain and anguish. Gerard pulled Tristan and himself fully clothed into the shower and turned the warm water on, hoping it would help her wake up.
“DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” Gerard and Tristan were sitting in the shower stall floor, water cascading over both of them. Tristan was in Gerard’s lap, back to chest. He held her while crying.
He cried out loud, “TRISTAAAAANNNN!” Gerard putting his fingers into her mouth and induced vomiting twice. Tristan awoke vomiting into the shower floor. She was in shock and looked over her shoulder to see Gerard upset and stroking her head and her back. He kissed the side of her face and her neck, pulling her closer to him as they both were sobbing hard. They stayed in the shower floor for a long time just holding onto one another.