Today is my day off. No studio. No Annie. No Harry. Harry is doing some convention thing and he's going to be gone the whole day. He invited me, but I said I wasn't feeling well...
Annie is also at work and won't be back till later.
So I lay here in my bed trying to make up my mind. I have to admit, I'm feeling perfectly fine today. A little confused that's all. I feel really bad for lying to Harry but, I have to get something done today.
I'm going to visit Gerard. But I still don't have the guts to get out of bed and do something about this. I'm feeling very emotional. I'm going to get my period one of these days. I can feel it.
I force myself to get out of bed and shower. After the shower, I examine my body again. I trace my tattoos. My last name is fading by the year. It's been so long since I got it. I hug myself. I need a hug but not from anyone. Someone specific. Someone like... Gerard. I remember how he use to always trace my last name tattoo. The way he touched my waist. I long for him. I really do. I can't deny it anymore.
So I hurry and change. I put on a long loose white V neck shirt with black tights and my brown indian ankle boots. I also put on some bracelets, to hide my tattoo. Wouldn't want him to see that so soon..
So I make my way out. I step out into a busy side walk and busy street. There's something about Monday's that it's so busy. Maybe because it is Monday. And another thing to add to the list why we all hate Mondays is because, I can't seem to get a freaking taxi! They just keep driving right on by. I'm standing out here waving my hand like a maniac for about 10 minutes. Until a hobo across the street calls me over with a taxi. I cross the street and thank him. Give him 5 dollars and leave.
"to this address sir." I hand him the paper.
"ehh, that's going to be tough. There's lots of traffic around that area."
"it's fine. As long as we get there."
We sit in traffic for 15 minutes. I'm getting impatient and loosing my bravery. My foot is doing this weird tapping thing and I can't stop fiddling my bracelets. I'm starting to sweat. It's a hot morning and I feel a drop of sweat run down my neck. The taxi guy makes a U turn and goes around another way that takes us 15 minutes to get to my destination.
"thank you sir."
"you're welcome. Sorry for the wait."
"it's okay." I give him his money and he leaves. I look up at the building like I did the other night. A person exits the building and I step in. I walk all around, go up a flight of stairs and make a left.
"208,209,210." his apartment number is 210. I look at the number before knocking. I don't have the guts to do it. My heart starts to beat faster by the second, my palms are sweaty and my head is pounding. I gain guts and knock the door. I hear noises coming from the inside and then... The door opens. I don't see Gerard. But a young women who stares at me with wide open eyes.
She hesitates for about a minute. "Edith?" I don't reply but take a step back.
"Eddie, do you remember me?" I nod. My mouth isn't able to say anything but, "oh my God." she smiles. Not evilly like she use to but sweetly. But I still don't trust that smile coming from her, Victoria.
I stare in disbelieve. I close the door behind me.
"Eddie, how are you?" I greet her. She doesn't respond. She stays silent and keeps stepping back every time I step forward.
She starts to run down the stairs.
"Eddie! Wait!" I run after her but I'm not able to catch up since I'm barefoot and I'm afraid I will step into something.
And I did. I stop half way and rub the palm of my foot and run after her again.
"Edith!" I call again but stop as I find her frozen in front of the door. Someone is front of her. He's holding a bag of groceries. I decide not to interrupt as I don't think anyone can with this horrible tension in the air. They stare right at each other. No one moves. I take a step closer and he, Gerard glances at me and then at Edith.
"Edith?" he speaks and I see her tense up even more. Someone from outside opens the door and she runs out, pushing Gerard out of the way, making him drop the groceries. He freezes and looks at me.
"I'm not crazy am I?" he says. I shake my head. He panics. He starts to pick up the groceries.
"forget that! Go after her!" I tell him and he brushes his fingers through his hair. He runs out.
Oh shit, what's going to happen now?! This was such a terrifying encounter. I'd never thought I'd see her again...
I look around the sidewalks from left to right. She's nowhere to be seen and there is no use if I start running any direction. So I head back inside.
I walk up to my apartment slowly. I knew I wasn't crazy. I knew it was her. She's the same one from the taxi and the night club. I know I saw her. And Geoff wasn't lying. She has my address. She has changed. My Edith has turned into some slut!! I start to cry and fall to my knees in front of my apartment door. Vicky steps out and helps me up. She closes the door and hugs me.
"Gerard. It's okay. Don't cry." but I can't stop crying. I saw her. She was here, looking for me. And I wasn't home.
She leads me into the living room and hands me a cup of water.
"did she tell you anything?" I question Vicky. She sits down in front of me on the ground.
"no, she didn't even say hello. But she was very shocked to see me. I said hello and asked her if she remembered me. She just nodded. When I stepped closer to her, she started to run and... That's when she bumped into you." I start to babble again.
"I told you Vicky! I told Frank too! And none of you believed me!"
"Gerard I'm sorry. But it seemed unbelievable since we all knew she was in Canada."
"but what was so unbelievable that made you guys think she won't visit?!"
"I dont know Gee, but I'm sorry. It's okay, don't cry anymore. She'll probably come by again.."
"I dont know Vicky.. Just, please.. Leave me alone right now." I get up and set my cup down on the coffee table. I walk to my room and lock the door. I slide down on the door and bury my face in my knees.
"She was here. She looked for me.." I just can't believe it. I might not even have another chance to see her. Maybe she was leaving today, back to her home in Canada. Back to her husband maybe. Possibly kids. I punch the wall. I can't stand the idea of her with someone else. It's not fair. I'm so stupid. Why did I brake up with her?! Why!!!
My face was covered in tears when I bumped into Gerard. He looked at me straight in the eye and his face turned pale. I didn't know what to do when I saw him. I just stared and ran out like a coward.
When I saw him get out of the building and look for me, my heart broke into pieces. I could have just stayed on that side of the street and not hide in some store. Or I could have just ran out of that store and hug him. Say nothing but just feel his warm, needed hug.
I was a coward. I was stupid. It was stupid. He's forgotten me. He's moved on he doesn't love me. He loves Victoria. He got back together with Victoria. Otherwise, why would he be living with her? He's probably happy and it's time for me to be happy..
I lay in bed for what seemed like hours looking up at the roaches climb the walls. I saw when the sun went from shining bright to a dim sunset. Victoria came in a few times telling me if I want Chinese food. Even though it sounded good, I refused it. I wasn't hungry and still am not. She worries for me too much. She has worried for me through all these years and has stuck to me no matter what. I don't thank her often. I think I should. She has too been through shit so it'll warm her heart if I remind her she's someone special in my life.
Even though she's the cause to my misery.
But that was forgiven long ago.
I sit up on my bed and feel dizzy. My eyes black out for a second but come back to normal. I take a pill to calm my head ache and call Frank.
"hey." he answers.
"we need to talk."
"want me to go over?"
"Kay. I'll be right over." I throw my phone behind me on my bed and step out into the living room. Victoria is resting on the couch watching TV.
"hey." I say sitting next to her.
"feeling better?" she sips her water.
"I guess. I needed to clear my mind."
"is it cleared?"
We stay silent. I pay attention to what she's watching. She's watching one of the old episodes of Full House.
"Frank is coming over."
"to talk about what happened today."
"oh. Okay." she gets up and walks over to the kitchen and turns on the brewer. She then comes back to sit on the couch.
"what is that for?"
"you know how Frank likes to drink coffee while we have 'talks'" she giggles.
"oh right." we stay silent again and watch Full House while we wait for Frank.
We wait 20 minutes before he comes knocking on our door. We settle down in the living room while we drink our nice warm coffee.
"so I just want to start with something that happened today." I start. Frank drinks his coffee calmly.
"I got a visit. Well, Vicky here received HER but I wasn't home. She was looking for me." Frank sets his mug down and stares at me like if he just saw a ghost.
"oh no Frank, you can't lie to me this time. I have witnesses. Vicky, tell him who it was."
"it was Edith. I know it was her Frank." he leans back on his chair and grabs his lips with his hand. He lets go and smacks his knee. He stretches out his arms not too wide as a sign of surrender.
"fine Gerard, I believe you. I believe you for two reasons. First, you have witness. Second, I already knew."
"so you knew.."
"yes. Yes I did."
"why didn't you just tell me the truth Frank?"
"I will come out with the truth okay? Just because you deserve the truth. I lied to you once already and I promised you I wouldn't do it again. I love Edith and you too but, I promised you. I also promised Edith somethings but.. I don't see what's the point in hiding it if she already came by so... Here it is. She visited me at the doughnut shop one day. And she told me she had been in town for a month already. I took her to my house and we had a little talk with Emma. You know, just stuff about life. Then you came up. And she told me not to mention anything to you about her. She wanted to do it herself."
"so.. Were you lying when I asked you if that was her in our gig?" he nods. I nod back and feel a little betrayed but he had promised Edith. I have to respect that.
"do you know why she wanted to look for me?"
"no. She didn't tell me."
I nod again not knowing what else to say.
"well.. Do you know how is she?"
"she's fine. She seems to be.. Just fine."
"right. Well, I guess that's it. Easier than I thought." I chuckle.
"am I good to go?"
"wait, one more thing.. When is she going back to Canada?"
"oh she's not going back. She's here to stay."
"fucking serious?! Where is she living?"
"New York. With a friend."
"oh my god." I lean back on the couch and close my eyes. She's so close to me. Oh my God. Can God be giving me another chance?
"what if I go look for her Frank?" I lean forwards again and rest my elbows on my knees.
"I dont think that's a good idea."
"I want to look for her."
"I don't think you should."
"well, how else will I find out why she was looking for me?"
"let her come to you. If whatever she wanted to say was important, then she'll come back. But don't look for her. Okay?"
"just trust me on this one okay?"
Frank's mind: I can't tell him about Harry. I just can't. I don't have the heart to do it. And my mouth is itching to tell him that she still likes him. But no Frank. You promised her. I'm sorry Gerard.
"Fine. I just hope she comes soon."
"let's hope on that. Okay Gee, I really have to go. Emma's waiting for me."
"okay fine. Tell her I said hi." we hug goodbye and he hugs Vicky as well before he goes.
He shuts the door behind him and I turn to Vicky.
"so how was it when you saw her?" I ask Vicky.
"I was shocked. Afraid she would kill me but happy for you."
I laugh, "kill you?"
"yeah. Why wouldn't she?"
"you're right. But still, she's a forgiving person. She'll forgive you." I get up and walk to the hallway. She follows after me.
"I just hope..I hope she'll let me have the time to say sorry." we both stand at the ledge of our bedroom doors.
"she will. Good night Vicky."
"night." she closes her bedroom door.
"wait!" I call. She reappears at her door.
"do you think.. I still have a chance with her?"
"maybe. I'm sure she still loves you. She was deeply in love with you at first. You can't really forget your first love."
"yeah. Thanks Vicky. Thanks for everything."
"you're welcome Gee. Goodnight."
"goodnight." and we both enter our rooms. I don't bother to change. Too lazy. But I lay in bed and close my eyes.
"Oh Edith." I say to myself, "God, please let her come soon." I try to open my eyes but they feel too heavy to open. So I keep them closed and fall asleep.
Shit, what are we going to do now? I mean, I had no idea Edith was going to do that. She's confused. Really confused. And I wish I could help her but I can't. She has to figure things out on her own. But someone will end up hurt. It's obvious. It's a love triangle. Those always end up bad...