PHAN - NOT MCR. Dan's having a 'gay freak-out'. (Posted here because there's no place for it and my readers live here)
“I think I may be having a gay freak-out.”
The older of the two looks torn desperately between three options; bursting into fits of hysterical laughter, bursting into fits of hysterical tears and, thirdly, joining his friend with aforementioned freak-out. Hysterically.
“It can so not be that bad.” Phil mutters, more to himself than to his near-hyperventilating companion, eyes clouded so that they resemble a kind of fog washing over the sea. “Right, Dan? It cannot be that bad.”
“Jesus Christ, Phil.” The younger of the two’s eyes fill with panicked tears, teeth gnawing down hard on his lip. “Remember the time we played Sonic 4 and did Impending Doom in the Mad Gear Zone?” Phil nods, his dishevelled hair falling into his eyes and looking as scrambled as his head feels to be. “Yeah, well, it’s worse than that. Way worse.”
“C’mon, Dan. That’s a bit of an overreaction.”
“I’m in freaking bed with you!” Dan looks under the covers and blanches, going whiter than that time he wound up in hospital and Phil almost had a heart-attack because he thought his best friend was going to die. “Oh bloody hell.” He turns back to the elder boy and by the time they’re eye-to-eye he is burning a startling shade of red. “I’m in bed. With you. And we’re both naked.”
“Not true. You’re wearing the llama hat.” Dan’s hand forms a fist and Phil instantly shrinks away, a weak and sheepish grin stained to his face, reminding Dan of that stain that everyone has on their carpet that nothing can ever remove. “Hey! I was just trying to lighten it up a little.” The fist drops as quickly as it was formed and Dan goes into a state of looking lost, childlike almost. And then he starts rocking himself, a vague look of insanity drenching his features. “Dan? Daniel Howell? You in there?”
The addressed carries on rocking, eyes wild and teeth clamping down so hard on his lip that Phil wants place his own there just to stop his friend from hurting himself. Given Dan’s current state however, Phil doesn’t think that doing that, that kissing his best friend, would be the most sensible move in the world. He looks around the room, quickly clocking that it’s his, and then glances to the watch someone put on the bedside table; it’s eleven in the morning. Which is strange, Phil thinks, because the last thing he can remember is it being eleven at night.
Correction; the last thing Phil can really remember with some solid form of clarity is playing a weird drinking game with Dan. Dan who is currently naked, bar the llama hat, and in his bed.
And is apparently having some kind of mental breakdown. Sorry, a gay freak-out.
Phil thinks briefly that maybe, just maybe, he should be freaking-out too. That idea washes away pretty much as soon as it flooded in because, if Phil’s being completely honest with himself, this isn’t really a bad thing. Sure, the fact that he can’t really remember what happened isn’t ideal and Dan freaking-out is the last thing he wants, but other than that? This situation couldn’t be any better. Not for Phil anyway, Phil who’s had a thing for Dan for the better part of two years, Phil who’s wanted to wake up next to his best friend so much that it hurts every time he wakes up alone.
No, Phil thinks, this isn’t right. It might be to him, but it’s clearly causing the younger a high amount of distress. Something that Phil would hate himself for if only he wasn’t so adulated at the possibility that perhaps Dan could love him back. After all, alcohol doesn’t change that much about a person, right?
But back to the point, Dan’s in distress and Phil hates that, loathes it, even. So he places a steadying hand on Dan’s shoulder, shuddering a little at how hot the boy’s skin is, and uses his other hand to force Dan to look at him. Look at him with those Malteser-like eyes so deep and endearing that Phil can’t help but want to drown in their endless depths.
“Dan! Snap out of it!” He barks, giving the addressed a small shoulder shake. “We need to talk about this. Like grown-ups.”
Dan raises his eyebrows, giving Phil a kind of ‘but-we-both-still-play-Pokémon’ look before nodding and accepting his fate. Also accepting that he might need to listen for once and not just assume that he knows what’s best.
“Finished your gay freak-out yet?” Unsure of what the true answer is, Dan simply shrugs. “What even is a gay freak-out?”
“When someone realises they’re gay and start having a complete mental breakdown because they are stupid and don’t know how to deal with life.” Dan’s statement comes out in one serious, steady tone, as though he’s scared of showing any kind of weakness in front of his best friend. A best friend who seems to have either fucked or have been fucked by him within the past twelve hours. “That’s what I’m having right now.”
“What makes you think you’re gay?”
Dan looks at Phil, then down at the bed and finally back to Phil as though he has a placenta for a head. He wonders sometimes, most of the time actually, if his best friend is missing a few brain-cells. But it’s okay if he does because Dan’s more than willing to lend him a few of his; they reached this arrangement years ago.
“The fact that we blatantly fucked last night.” He deadpans, willing away the blush that feels to be creeping up on him.
Phil has to bite back a laugh, through nervousness or actual amusement he isn’t quite sure, before ruffling a hand through Dan’s currently hobbit-like hair. Secretly, he thinks, he’s always preferred Dan’s hair like this, how it is when he wakes up and has yet to straighten it. It makes Dan look younger, more innocent and more in need of someone, someone like Phil, to look after him. And Phil likes that, likes the idea of looking after Dan. The idea of loving Dan.
No, he loves that idea.
“And? Doesn’t make you gay, Danny-boy.” Phil takes a moment to look under the covers himself, sees that his friend’s earlier assessment of the situation was indeed true and then proceeds to thoroughly regret not being able to remember what happened; not being able to remember how good Dan felt, about how his name sounded being moaned from the younger man’s mouth. “But if it helps, I think I had a gay freak-out when I was your age.”
He braces himself for the rejection that he knows, deep down, will never come.
“Oh.” Is all Dan can think to say, his eyes searching the other’s for some sign of this being some kind of sick joke for the sake of Phil’s YouTube channel. Not that he ever really thinks that it is, but there’s just an insecure little part of him refusing to let that fear be ignored. “You could’ve told me, I wouldn’t have been a twat about it.”
There’s a slight tinge of hurt to Dan’s voice that makes Phil’s insides swell with guilt, but that feeling soon floats away and is replaced instead with a much more pleasant feeling. The feeling of Dan resting his head against his chest, cheek gently nestled into where Phil’s heart is beating overtime, and their legs mindlessly intertwining under the covers like they’re magnetically attracted to each other.
Phil takes a moment just to look at Dan, his Dan, and then proceeds to card his fingers through his silky hair. He knows that Dan likes affection, craves it even, so it’s the least he can do really, to give him some of what the younger is normally too shy to just take. There’s a dull ache in his head, the hangover starting to fully kick in, but he ignores that in favour of seeing Dan through his so-called ‘gay freak-out’.
“I know you wouldn’t have. But still. Would you have told me?” Dan nods because, yeah, of course he would; Phil’s his bestest friend in the whole wide world. And he’s telling him now, isn’t he, right as it happens. “Okay, well, that backfired.”
“Sorry.” Dan mumbles, voice slightly blotted from where his face is half-hidden in Phil.
“Me too.” He stops to think, the hand not running through Dan’s hair starting to trace meaningless patterns on his back in order to aid Phil’s thought process. “Back to the point though, just because we, well, yeah. Just because we did /that/, it doesn’t mean you’re gay.”
Dan’s eyes wander away from Phil’s, his cheeks as red as hellfire, and he reaches out to clasp Phil’s hand tightly in his.
Oh. Oh, Phil thinks, because he’s just starting to get it. Get that all his dreams might just be coming true all in one glorious moment.
“It kind of does make me gay. Because I think I liked it.” Phil senses the shyness creeping into Dan’s tone and so squeezes his hand a little, offering the younger whatever reassurance he may need from him. “And I want to do it again.”
“Okay.” Phil says, voice full of knowing because, even if he doesn’t know, he gets that Dan needs him to. “Yeah, okay.” He wants to say something else, say anything else just to sound like he has some kind of clue as to what he’s doing. And then it hits him; the one thing he can say that might just make Dan feel at least a little bit more secure about this. “If it helps, and even if it doesn’t, Dan, I think I’m in love with you.”
Dan looks up at him and blinks; eyes huge and full of the kind of awe Phil has only ever seen them filled with at Christmastime.
“That’s good. Because I think I’m in love with you too.”
“Freak-out over now?” Phil asks, nuzzling gentling into Dan’s hair because, well, he’s waited too long to do it; to act all couple-like and cuddly with him.
“Yeah. Yeah, I think it is.”
A/N: So this is my second attempt at Phan, again, sorry if it failed miserably. But thanks for reading and please let me know what you think! :D
P.S. I apologize for spamming the MCR page with things that aren't MCR, but there really is nowhere else to put this and, as I have said before, most of my readers live here. I am working on another Phan one-shot (based around the word 'Japan') but I think I'll put that up in one of the 'Original' sections, in case this pisses people off.
Thanks again! :D