He leaned in to his ear, “Do I turn you on, Urie?” he asked seductively.
I’m not going to call you Daisy anymore. Just fuck it. I don’t even care about this damn diary. Nothing’s changed. Brendon hates me.
He’s worse now. He’s all broody. I’m done. He won’t change.
I’m so confused. I left the room this morning to go talk to Tom and found flowers outside my room. Red tulips? I didn’t know why they were there or who left them there. I walked back into my room and I put them in a vase. Then I saw a note. But it was anonymous. They’re really pretty. Is it bad to hope they’re from Jon? Yeah, it is, isn’t it?
Yo. I can’t do shit. I still can’t go up to him.
So I had therapy today. I didn’t want to go, but Sister fucking Sunshine was all ‘You have to remember all your memories.’ Maybe I don’t want to. I get these damn nightmares every night and I’m tired of it. I don’t want to remember everything. If what I do know is bad, why would I want more bad? She kept saying something about how there are probably good memories in there too. I had an encounter with Brendon though. If I didn’t think he hated me before, well, he definitely hates me now. Oh, and I got more memories back thanks to him. I want to go back to how I was before. I was happy. Is there anything wrong with that? So what if I couldn’t remember anything. It was a better fucking existence.
As usual, therapy sucked. Ryan hates me. But that’s fine. I don’t really give a fuck. Our little accidental meeting was not what I was expecting from him though. It gave me a new way of looking at him. I don’t think I hate him anymore. I can relate to him. He doesn’t know that, but I can. His life was a lot like mine. But I can’t tell him that. I know he hates me though. He told me outright that he does. He told me that I’m the reason his memories keep coming back. Yeah, he hates me.
Sister Sunshine insinuated that Jon likes me. Because of the flowers. But I don’t know if Jon gave them to me. He won’t look at me or talk to me. So how am I supposed to know? And then he talked to me today. And it was nice. Like he actually talked to me. I liked it. I wish I knew if the flowers were from him though. Oh, I’ll write more later, I have to go.
Yo. I’m gonna fix things. I have to.
Ryan was the first to have therapy, but he didn’t want to go. He was aware of the time as he stared at the ceiling while lying on his bed. Therapy supposedly started two minutes ago, but he stayed lying down. He wasn’t going to go to therapy if he could help it. He’d stay right here, in his own comfortable bed. Besides, he knew what the sisters would tell him. It was always the same. Hypnosis, tell them a memory that he couldn’t actually remember; only to have him remember it through a nightmare the following night.
It didn’t take long before there was a knock on the door. Ryan let out a low groan and lifted his head to look at the closed white door, “What?” he snapped. The door opened and in came Brendon. Seriously? They sent Brendon? What the hell?
“Sister Sunshine told me to come get you. She wants to know why you don’t want to come to therapy…” his voice was soft. Wow, he wasn’t being an asshole for once. Ryan hopped off the bed and came toward him. Brendon backed up against the now-closed door, “I get that you’ve remembered some things, but I said this before. You’re away from whatever bad memories you have. You’re here, with us. That’s good, isn’t it?”
Ryan growled and shoved him up against the door, his hands on either side of Brendon so he couldn’t move, “What’s so good about having such a bad life that you couldn’t remember any of it?” his voice low and husky, “I spent every damn day of my life in fear that I wasn’t good enough and then getting hit severely every single time. I spent my life having people make fun of me for nothing. So don’t tell me that I should be happy that I’m away from it. Because I still have to deal with people like you, people that push my buttons because you think it’s fun. I have to deal with people like you who are irrationally angry for no fucking reason. So go ahead, tell me,” and Brendon said nothing. He just stared at Ryan’s face. Ryan pushed farther on him and he felt Brendon’s issue and he smirked. He leaned in to his ear, “Do I turn you on, Urie?” he asked seductively.
Brendon squirmed, trying to push him off. Ryan slid his hand down the side of Brendon’s torso and grabbed his package and Brendon moaned softly. Dammit, he was really hoping he wouldn’t. Ryan then grinned and whispered in his ear, “Do you want me to, Brendon? I’m sure you could be the reason I feel better. Do you want that?” his voice deep.
Brendon gasped and shoved him off. He turned around, yanking open the door. He shut it behind him. Ryan had fallen to the ground. He was laughing hysterically. He found this hilarious. He hadn’t done anything even remotely sexual and Brendon got hard. This was amusing on so many levels. Deciding he felt better, though, he got up and went down to therapy.
“You need to get your memories back, Ryan.”
Ryan rolled his eyes, “I don’t want to get my memories back. I’m perfectly content having this many. I’m pretty sure if I get any more back, I’m going to go insane. I don’t want to go insane.”
“Ryan… You won’t go insane. There are good memories in there too, you know. I’m sure you’ve had your good memories. Everyone has good memories. Otherwise, no one would even be alive.”
“You forget,” he leaned forward, “I wouldn’t be alive if you didn’t take me out of the hospital. He basically crushed my head under his foot and I shouldn’t be alive. So maybe I’m just one of those extremely unlucky people who just doesn’t have any good memories.”
“Okay, Ryan, I’m going to hypnotize you.”
“Ugh,” he lay back on the couch, crossing his arms over his chest. He didn’t want to do this shit. The sister moved closer and hypnotized him.
“Who was your first boyfriend, Ryan?” she asked quietly.
“I’ve never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend,” was his soft response.
She just stared at him. Wait, really? Never? She nodded slowly, “Who was your best friend?”
“Greta,” he whispered quietly.
“How did you meet her?”
“I was in the hospital because of my dad,” the sister sighed, but Ryan continued, “She was put in the bed next to me because she was in a coma. They said she had little chance to wake up. But I talked to her every day. After school, I’d come over and I’d talk to her or sing to her. One day, she woke up. The doctors said she didn’t have any family and no one knew her name. So I named her Greta, since she couldn’t remember her name either… I visited her every day when she was awake and we became good friends. I’d bring her food or games to play. And then one day, she was gone. The doctors said her parents came and took her away. I never saw her again.”
“Singing? Do you like to sing, Ryan?”
“Yeah, I like to play guitar too.”
“That’s good…” after a few more questions, she snapped and Ryan shot up. He pushed himself off the couch and just walked out without even saying good bye.
He ran right into Brendon. He rolled his eyes, “Ugh, get out of my way,” he started to walk away, but Brendon grabbed his ankle from the ground, causing him to fall. He almost fell on top of him, but managed to sit down next to him, “What do you want?”
Brendon sighed and let go of him, “I know you hate me, but if you let me, I can relate to you. I can help you get through all of it. But if you don’t, then we can just go back to this… mutual hatred of each other. But don’t say I never gave you a chance.”
Ryan climbed on top of him and leaned down to kiss him on the lips, his hands keeping pressure on his chest. He pulled away and looked at him with a smirk, “I like the idea of mutual hatred, but meet me in my room after your therapy session,” he twirled and got off of him, walking off.
Is it bad that Brendon kind of found this version of Ryan to be really sexy and hot? Probably. Then it hit him what Ryan took ‘I can help you get through all of it’ to mean. Sex. Ryan just wanted sex out of him. That was it… Then again, why the hell was he complaining? He didn’t really like Ryan that much anyway, he just found him abnormally sexy.
He got off the ground and walked in to the therapy room. The sister gave him a smile and gestured for him to sit, “Well, you’re in a good mood today. Can you tell me why?”
“I’m happy!” he nodded. Sister Sunshine looked at him skeptically, but let it go. After his therapy session, he made his way to his own room. He dressed in nothing but a pair of sweats and a white tshirt. He then grabbed a rose and went to Ryan’s room. He knocked. The door opened and Brendon smirked, “Hello.”
Ryan raised an eyebrow, “…Uh… That… wasn’t what I meant when I said come to my room after your session,” he seemed vaguely amused, “I just like to see you squirm. That’s why I kissed you. Come in,” he moved. Brendon frowned and sighed as he walked in. He placed the rose down on the dresser and walked over to sit next to Ryan on the bed, “I mean, if you can relate to me, I do want someone who can help me through it.”
Brendon smiled and nodded. Meanwhile, Spencer walked in to the therapy room. He sat down and looked at Sister Sunshine, “I… found… flowers outside… of my room. No card. No note. Just flowers,” he whispered, staring down at the ground, “I don’t… I don’t… who… know who… put… them there.”
She nodded, “Well, do you have any secret admirers?”
He shook his head, staring at the palms of his now open hands, “No one… me… no one… likes.”
“That’s not true. Everyone here likes you, but do you have any idea who could have left the flowers?”
“I… Jon?” he seemed hopeful, looking back up to look at Sister Sunshine’s face. She gave him a soft smile. He frowned, “It’s not, is it? I… Jon doesn’t… me… No…”
She sighed. The rest of the session was spent much like this, but Sister Sunshine knew she couldn’t tell Spencer the truth. She couldn’t tell Spencer that Jon was an idiot and was too scared to tell Spencer that he actually liked him. That was Jon’s job. But she could, perhaps, push Jon in the right direction.
As he left, he saw Jon and he gave him a smile, but it didn’t feel real. It felt forced even to Spencer. Jon smiled back nervously, “Hi Spencer,” but couldn’t say more and made his way into the room, closing the door behind him. He sat down, “I’m stupid, Sister Sunshine.”
“Because… I picked red tulips and I put them all together in this… in this bouquet thing and I wanted to give them to Spencer, but I couldn’t do it. I just dropped them by his door. I can’t give them to him, I can’t tell him. What’s wrong with me?”
“You’re scared, Jon. You’re scared because you’ve only ever faced rejection. Spencer won’t reject you. He won’t get mad at you. I promise.”
“So I should just… talk to him?” the sister nodded and Jon took a deep breath. After his session, he went to his own room first. He made a quick entry in his diary, only because he had to. Then he made his way to Spencer’s room. He pursed his lips with an inner mantra going through his head. He won’t reject you. He won’t reject you. He won’t reject you. He won’t reject you. Meanwhile, Spencer was writing in his diary about how he was hopeful that the flowers were from Jon. Even if it was the slightest glimmer, it was there. Then Jon brought his fist up and knocked several times. A sense of anxiety swelled up inside of him and it took every ounce of will power to not turn and run away. The door opened and Spencer smiled at him. Jon just about melted. He bit his lip, “Spencer… I have something I need to talk to you about,” and Spencer’s smile faded. It looked like he was going to cry. So the sister was wrong.
Jon’s own smile faded and he wanted to run, but Spencer grabbed his hand and pulled him inside. He closed the door and looked up at him. Now Jon didn’t want to say it. He was just silent. Spencer decided to take the initiative. He leaned up to place a soft peck on Jon’s lips. Ryan had told him more than once that Jon liked him, so he decided to take the plunge, “I… Ryan… You… told… like… me?” his words became more weary as the semi-sentence escaped his lips.
Jon slowly nodded his head, “I do. I do like you. And I’m stupid. I was scared to talk to you about it. That’s why I came here. I don’t want to back away from it anymore, I just want to…” his voice trailed off and he enveloped Spencer in his arms and placed the most passionate but softest kiss he could manage on his lips. Spencer smiled and melted into him, wrapping his own arms around him.
For once, Spencer was happy. This was nice. Jon was happy as well. They were together in this melded version of one. However, everything good must come to an end. There was a knock on the door before it opened. Jon yanked away from Spencer, both of their faces now bright red. It was Brendon. He looked between the two of them, “Uh… never mind,” he backed out of the room. Jon looked at Spencer again, who was smiling coyly at him. Jon smirked and moved over to wrap his arms around him again to place another kiss on his lips.
Ryan watched as Brendon came back in, “Did they hear?” he asked, sitting up on the bed, rummaging around to find his boxers. Brendon shook his head. Ryan nodded and found them. He pulled them on and got out of bed. Brendon looked a bit upset that Ryan was putting his clothes back on. Ryan smirked, “What? You want to have another go?”
His face flushed, “Maybe?” he twiddled his thumbs in front of him with a shy smile on his lips. Ryan shook his head and gestured for him to come over. Brendon grinned and hopped onto the bed. He liked this weird… mutual thing they had going and he didn’t want it to end.
A/N: Sorry guys. I updated another chapter and then realized that it was this chapter, just fixed. So... yeah, I deleted it and just made this one the one that I posted. Gah, sorry. I'll update Last Resort or something. I'll try and think of a story to update. Maybe the medieval one. We'll see. Merry Christmas!