Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > A Pause For Reflection.
Chapter Eighteen.
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Chapter Eighteen.
I sat on my bed in the same position for hours, just staring out the window and chewing on my lip ring; thinking. I watched the sun rise, making the sky a mixture of colours before the grey clouds covered them all like a dark blanket. There was no sound other than the sound of my breathing and the occasional pitter-patter of rain on the roof top when it rained for about twenty minutes. Other than that, the only sound that filled my room was the sweet sound of nothingness.
That was until my phone started buzzing on my bed side table, causing me to jump and gasp at the sudden noise, of course.
I looked over my shoulder at my phone and I sighed. I could already tell that it would be Gerard apologising. I just didn’t know if I wanted him to or not.
Stretching my limbs out beforehand, I groaned and crawled over to my phone, flipping it open.
I would apologise, but it wouldn’t mean anything over text. Park? –Gerard.
My eyes scanned over the text a few hundred times before I finally got up and pulled a hoodie over my shirt, not bothering to change out of my old clothes.
Not long after, I had walked out the front door and began to walk down the street.
I guess I didn’t really think this through beforehand. I mean, I should have at least texted back, but I don’t even know anymore.. Just go with the flow, I guess..
After ten minutes of slowly walking, I turned into the park and found Gerard sitting on a seat in the park instead of on our usual spot by the lake on the stone bench. The seat he was sat on was wooden and hidden under a big oak tree; the leaves and wind whipped through his hair and he sat staring at his feet with his hands in his lap.
Slowly, I approached him.
“I guess I should say sorry..” He whispered, still looking at his feet.
I didn’t reply; every single form of sound got caught in my throat before it could even consider escaping and I didn’t know if I should sit by him or not, so I just stayed glued to the spot.
“My actions were childish and I shouldn’t have kissed you last night, Frank.” He said shakily. “I am sorry.. You can hate me if you really want..”
Taking a deep breath, I clenched my fists and forced myself to say, “I could never hate you, Gerard. You have showed me nothing but kindness for the past month. I owe you my life.”
Gerard looked up at me with hope in his eyes.
“But, I am sorry when I say, we can no longer be friends.” I said shakily, bitting down hard on my lip.
“W-Why?” He asked.
I opened my mouth to speak, but the words got caught in my throat.
For a brief moment, Gerard and I were just looking at each other. His hazel eyes were filled with hurt, I know he was blaming himself when, in fact, it was not his fault that I feel as if I can’t be friends with him anymore. And I hated myself for choosing this choice.
“If I'm with you, I'll just end up relying on you for everything.” I finally spat out.
Gerard looked like he was taking in my words, but at the same time it looked like he was ignoring them – Like he was in disbelief.
“I’m sorry..” I whispered.
“No, Frank. It won’t be like that.” He shook his head. “You won’t rely on me for anything.”
“Yes I will, Gerard. I already rely on you enough.” I mumbled, looking to the ground. “I rely on you too much, Gerard. I have to let our friendship go..”
“But, that’s the thing with you, Frank. You need someone to rely on.”
“Please don’t try to turn this around on me..”
Gerard continued despite my request.
“You need to live off of someone else’s happiness because you’re like a sponge, Frank. If someone else is happy, you’ll soak up all their happiness just to make yourself happy. You need someone else’s smile in order to form your own. Potentially, it’s your own fault that you’re depressed. You’re just a victim of your own creation..”
“Stop it..” I whispered, pushing back tears and clenching my fists.
“Why? It’s just basic stuff that we both know.” He shrugged.
“Gerard, you don’t just tell a suicidal teenage boy that it’s his fault he’s depressed!” I cried. “Are you fucking dumb!?”
Gerard just looked up at me as if he had only just realised what he had said to me.
Without another word, and trying to put on a strong face, I turned my back to him.
But, before I could start walking, I felt him grab my hand.
“Frank..”
“You know what?” I cried, wiping away my tears with the sleeve of my hoodie and spinning around to face him. “I was going fine on my own! I didn’t have to worry about anyone else or what they thought of me! I didn’t have to worry about anything! Why did you have to ruin all of that for me, Gerard!? I wish I wasn’t friends with you. I wish you never spoke to me in the first place!”
“Frank.. Please.. Don’t say things like that.. I’m sorry..” Gerard said quietly.
“The problem with you is that you’re always sorry, aren’t you, Gerard? Sorry is just a word that slips through your lips. Does it even mean anything?” I snapped, trying to tug my hand out of his grip. “I think it’s just your way of saying 'Let’s just forget I did something wrong and pretend everything’s ok'.”
Gerard just stared at me as if he couldn’t think of a reply.
“I hate you..” I whispered.
“No you don’t.” He replied. “You can’t. Hating me is like self punishment for you.”
“So what if it is? At least then I know both of us are hurting!” I cried. “And can’t you have one fucking convosation without saying something that confuses me!?”
“You know what? I give up on you.” Gerard said, letting go of my hand so forcefully it felt as if he was shoving me. “Apologising to you only made things so much worse. You’re so melodramatic.”
With that, I turned away from him and began to walk away from him, but then I stopped and stared at the ground for a few seconds, staring at the small weeds that stuck out through the cracks in the pavement. I could feel Gerard’s eyes on my back, but I knew they weren’t caring eyes. They just wanted me gone already.
“Maybe it would be better if we had never met at all..”
I sat on my bed in the same position for hours, just staring out the window and chewing on my lip ring; thinking. I watched the sun rise, making the sky a mixture of colours before the grey clouds covered them all like a dark blanket. There was no sound other than the sound of my breathing and the occasional pitter-patter of rain on the roof top when it rained for about twenty minutes. Other than that, the only sound that filled my room was the sweet sound of nothingness.
That was until my phone started buzzing on my bed side table, causing me to jump and gasp at the sudden noise, of course.
I looked over my shoulder at my phone and I sighed. I could already tell that it would be Gerard apologising. I just didn’t know if I wanted him to or not.
Stretching my limbs out beforehand, I groaned and crawled over to my phone, flipping it open.
I would apologise, but it wouldn’t mean anything over text. Park? –Gerard.
My eyes scanned over the text a few hundred times before I finally got up and pulled a hoodie over my shirt, not bothering to change out of my old clothes.
Not long after, I had walked out the front door and began to walk down the street.
I guess I didn’t really think this through beforehand. I mean, I should have at least texted back, but I don’t even know anymore.. Just go with the flow, I guess..
After ten minutes of slowly walking, I turned into the park and found Gerard sitting on a seat in the park instead of on our usual spot by the lake on the stone bench. The seat he was sat on was wooden and hidden under a big oak tree; the leaves and wind whipped through his hair and he sat staring at his feet with his hands in his lap.
Slowly, I approached him.
“I guess I should say sorry..” He whispered, still looking at his feet.
I didn’t reply; every single form of sound got caught in my throat before it could even consider escaping and I didn’t know if I should sit by him or not, so I just stayed glued to the spot.
“My actions were childish and I shouldn’t have kissed you last night, Frank.” He said shakily. “I am sorry.. You can hate me if you really want..”
Taking a deep breath, I clenched my fists and forced myself to say, “I could never hate you, Gerard. You have showed me nothing but kindness for the past month. I owe you my life.”
Gerard looked up at me with hope in his eyes.
“But, I am sorry when I say, we can no longer be friends.” I said shakily, bitting down hard on my lip.
“W-Why?” He asked.
I opened my mouth to speak, but the words got caught in my throat.
For a brief moment, Gerard and I were just looking at each other. His hazel eyes were filled with hurt, I know he was blaming himself when, in fact, it was not his fault that I feel as if I can’t be friends with him anymore. And I hated myself for choosing this choice.
“If I'm with you, I'll just end up relying on you for everything.” I finally spat out.
Gerard looked like he was taking in my words, but at the same time it looked like he was ignoring them – Like he was in disbelief.
“I’m sorry..” I whispered.
“No, Frank. It won’t be like that.” He shook his head. “You won’t rely on me for anything.”
“Yes I will, Gerard. I already rely on you enough.” I mumbled, looking to the ground. “I rely on you too much, Gerard. I have to let our friendship go..”
“But, that’s the thing with you, Frank. You need someone to rely on.”
“Please don’t try to turn this around on me..”
Gerard continued despite my request.
“You need to live off of someone else’s happiness because you’re like a sponge, Frank. If someone else is happy, you’ll soak up all their happiness just to make yourself happy. You need someone else’s smile in order to form your own. Potentially, it’s your own fault that you’re depressed. You’re just a victim of your own creation..”
“Stop it..” I whispered, pushing back tears and clenching my fists.
“Why? It’s just basic stuff that we both know.” He shrugged.
“Gerard, you don’t just tell a suicidal teenage boy that it’s his fault he’s depressed!” I cried. “Are you fucking dumb!?”
Gerard just looked up at me as if he had only just realised what he had said to me.
Without another word, and trying to put on a strong face, I turned my back to him.
But, before I could start walking, I felt him grab my hand.
“Frank..”
“You know what?” I cried, wiping away my tears with the sleeve of my hoodie and spinning around to face him. “I was going fine on my own! I didn’t have to worry about anyone else or what they thought of me! I didn’t have to worry about anything! Why did you have to ruin all of that for me, Gerard!? I wish I wasn’t friends with you. I wish you never spoke to me in the first place!”
“Frank.. Please.. Don’t say things like that.. I’m sorry..” Gerard said quietly.
“The problem with you is that you’re always sorry, aren’t you, Gerard? Sorry is just a word that slips through your lips. Does it even mean anything?” I snapped, trying to tug my hand out of his grip. “I think it’s just your way of saying 'Let’s just forget I did something wrong and pretend everything’s ok'.”
Gerard just stared at me as if he couldn’t think of a reply.
“I hate you..” I whispered.
“No you don’t.” He replied. “You can’t. Hating me is like self punishment for you.”
“So what if it is? At least then I know both of us are hurting!” I cried. “And can’t you have one fucking convosation without saying something that confuses me!?”
“You know what? I give up on you.” Gerard said, letting go of my hand so forcefully it felt as if he was shoving me. “Apologising to you only made things so much worse. You’re so melodramatic.”
With that, I turned away from him and began to walk away from him, but then I stopped and stared at the ground for a few seconds, staring at the small weeds that stuck out through the cracks in the pavement. I could feel Gerard’s eyes on my back, but I knew they weren’t caring eyes. They just wanted me gone already.
“Maybe it would be better if we had never met at all..”
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