"Why did I dream that? I don’t like Ray like that, he’s my friend..."
Gerard starts to avoid me after what happened between us. He moves his things downstairs and claims the pull-out couch as a bed. He leaves for school early in the morning, before anyone is awake, and comes home late. Tonight I wait up for him; I sit on the pull-out couch and wait for him. He staggers into the room around eleven thirty and flops down onto the pull-out.
"Gee, we need to talk..." I say.
He gasps in surprise and tries to leave but I grab him by the wrist and pull him back. "Gerard, please." I try to keep my voice low so my parents don’t wake up.
"What?" He brings his knees to his chest and sighs.
"We need to talk...about what happened."
He looks down and doesn't respond for a bit. "I'm just scared I'll get hurt if I let someone in. I mean...I loved my father and he hurt me. What's stopping you or anyone else for doing the same?"
"I would never hurt you, Gerard. I've loved you ever since we first met. I'd never hurt you."
"How could anyone possibly love a slut like me? You just wanna get in my pants. If that's what you want just tell me and I'll do it." Gerard wipes his eyes.
"You're not a slut, Gerard. You're not." I say.
"I just lay there and take it like a slut. I don't fight back. I just let him do it, I'm a slut!" Tears fall down Gerard's beautiful face as he yells.
I sigh. "Well I tried." I get up and leave Gerard on the couch. On the way back to my room I start to cry. Calling himself a slut, then telling me that I only 'love him' because I want to get in his pants is too much for me.
I watch as Ray leaves and then I make my way to the kitchen. I grab a small knife from a drawer and walk to the bathroom. I go in and lock the door behind me. I look at myself in the mirror. "You disgusting whore." I mutter. "Filthy slut."
I run the knife under hot water and slice into my skin. I almost moan, it’s been a long time since I cut and I had honestly forgotten how good it feels. I end up completely mutilating my arm, and I rinse the knife as well as my wounds. I pull my sleeve down and go back into the kitchen. I put the knife into the dishwasher and make my way back to the couch. I lay on it and curl up in the sheets. All of the sudden Ray is there, kissing me, and to my surprise I am kissing him back.
"You're so beautiful." Ray says and kisses my shoulder. He guides my hands to the bottom of his shirt, and I lift it over his head. I lean down to kiss his chest, receiving a gasp from him. We undress and he presses his body against mine. We explore each other's bodies as we kiss. His hands are warm on my bare skin, tender and loving as he touches every inch of my body. Then, Ray pushes me over onto the couch and gets on top of me. He takes a minute to slip a condom onto himself and then he applies lubrication. He looks down at me and I bite my lip.
"You sure you want to do this?" He asks.
"Yes, Ray." I cannot recognize my own voice. It is desperate and wanting, and all I can think of is what a slut I am. "Fuck me. Fuck me please, Ray." The need for him inside of me is almost painful.
Ray takes my legs and wraps them around his waist. He uses his arms for his support as he slowly thrusts into me. I gasp loud as he thrusts in and out. I moan and whimper as he rubs my length. I arch my back when he hits my spot and I cry out, "Oh god, Ray! You hit it!"
He thrusts faster and faster, I moan louder and louder. I scream his name as I cum and my eyes fly open. While gasping, drenched in my own sweat, I look around the living room. It's dark and I'm all alone. I look at the time, it’s 3:47 AM. My cheeks burn as I realize that there's a mess in my pants. I clean myself up and then get back into bed.
Why did I dream that? I don’t like Ray like that, he’s my friend... I think to myself. You’re just trying to convince yourself that you don’t have feelings for him. I roll my eyes. I’m not allowed to love. I’m just a whore.
Despite the argument with myself I can’t help myself as I slowly walk up the stairs to Ray’s room. I walk in as quietly as I can and make my way over to his bed. I slip in next to him and curl up beside him.
“G-Gee?” Ray turns over and rubs his eyes.
“Hm?” I snuggle closer.
“Why’re you here?” He says groggily.
I don’t respond but I kiss his cheek and in return he wraps his arms around me. I get as close to him as possible and we both go back to sleep.