Gerard has a confession to make.
One thing I want to say before I start is that I loved my brother, I loved him so much. If I could go back to that night and change things I’d do it in a heartbeat. If I could give him my life, I would. Now if I’m going to tell this story I might as well start with the beginning.
Five years ago around my 35th birthday I got involved in things I shouldn’t have been. I started drinking again, doing drugs every now and again, but worst of all I started cheating on my wife. I don’t know why I did but I went out one night, had one too many and ended sleeping with her. By her I mean Samantha Gillory. One night turned into two, two turned into three and so on. Before I knew it I was having an affair, every Friday night I’d go out and meet Sam. We’d have sex and then we’d part ways until the next Friday.
Lindsay began to get suspicious; she’d yell and demand to know. But I’d shrug it off and say that Friday’s were just my day to be alone. Bandit would cry at our shouts and beg for us to stop. But I simply didn’t care. I care now, I wish I would’ve attempted to calm Bandit down, be her father for God’s sake. But I didn’t, and soon I’d lose both of them as well in the divorce.
Anyways, I’d meet Sam; we’d have sex and so on and so forth. At band practice Mikey would come up to me and ask if I was okay. I’d simply nod my head and continue practicing. Mikey would sigh and go back to playing his bass. I was able to keep up this façade for several weeks before I was caught.
He had followed me to the hotel where Sam and I would meet. Mikey followed me because he was concerned about me. After I’d left the hotel, I stopped at a local dinner for food. When I saw him walk through that door, I knew he had figured it out. He slid in the booth across from me.
“Why,” He had asked.
“I got bored,” I said in a nonchalant tone.
Mikey then proceeded to lecture me, tell me how much damage I was doing to Lindsay, to Bandit, to myself. I should’ve listened to him. Of course back then I just rolled my eyes and shook my head. Mikey finally got my attention by threatening to tell Lindsay. I instantly started to defend myself saying that I had started drinking, that it wasn’t my fault that Sam was forcing me to stay in the relationship. Of course Mikey didn’t buy it, he just shook his head.
“You’ve got one week Gerard. Either break it off with Sam or I’m telling Lindsay.” He warned, he then got up and left me in the dinner.
The next day I had gone to Sam, I tried telling her that I wanted out, that I couldn’t do this anymore. She was furious. She hurled insults at me, and I flinched at every single one of them. Finally she closed with, “If you leave me I’ll tell your wife about how you fucked me.”
I felt trapped. I couldn’t break it off with Sam, but if I didn’t leave her than Mikey would tell Lindsay. I cried that night for hours. I was lost, I was scared, and I knew that it was all my fault.
A week passed faster than I would’ve liked it and I was at Mikey’s home. I remember asking where Alicia was in a hushed tone. He simply replied, “Out.”
He shut the door behind him and I could hear him take a deep breath. “So Gerard, did you end it with Sam?” He had asked.
I shook my head, I heard him mutter a curse under his breath. I explained to why I couldn’t break it off with Sam. I begged for him to forgive me, to not tell Lindsay. I remember feeling warm tears slide down my cheeks; I remember getting on my knees promising to do anything for him not to tell my wife.
All he did was shake his head and say, “She’s a friend Gerard; how do you expect me not to tell her about this. She has the right to know her husband is cheating on her.”
I sobbed, I shouted, I did anything I could to try to convince him to share my secret. But he wouldn’t budge. “You dug this grave yourself Gerard.” He growled and turned to open the door, “I’m telling Lindsay…tonight.”
I don’t know what had come over me. But I grabbed the nearest thing, which was a lamp and throw it at my brother. It collided with his back and he fell to the floor. I got on top of him and punched him a few times. He fought back, kicking and clawing at my face. But I was stronger. I wrapped both my hands around his thin neck and applied pressure. He began to panic and gasp for breath. I remember his hands wrapping around my arms trying to pull away my hands.
“G-Gerard…..please…..” He wheezed; those would be the last words I would ever hear from my brother.
But I didn’t stop. I had to keep him quiet so I pushed down harder. His legs began to grow weaker as did his grip on my arms. I recall looking down at his face, it was purple and he was trying to form words. I remember smiling down at him, as I watched the light leave his eyes. I saw a tear slide down the corner of his eye and then his hands fell from my arms. He was gone.
I looked down at my younger brother, his eyes wide open and bruising starting to form around his neck. This is when I began to panic. I had just killed my brother. My own flesh and blood. I picked his thin body up and struggled to carry him to the back of my car. I had driven to the closest store and bought a plastic tarp and a shovel. I remember the clerk giving me a strange look but he rung me up all the same.
I drove to the Angeles National Forest, I went as deep into the forest as I could. I remember passing a Ranger Station and a picnic area. I stopped about fifteen miles in; the moon was shining high above me. I dragged Mikey across the rough dirt and onto the tarp. I dug for what seemed like hours, I stopped after I was sure that no animals or weather was going to reveal him. I had closed his eyes, unable to look at them any longer; I wrapped him in the tarp and dropped him into the deep grave. I covered up the freshly dug up dirt with pine leaves.
The cops searched for Mikey for weeks. I had been questioned three times but somehow I got away with it. Alicia had cried when the police pronounce Mikey dead, we had held a funeral with no body. Only I knew where he was; only I knew what exactly had happened to him. Until now.
I am Gerard Arthur Way. I am 40 years old. And five years ago today I murdered my brother Michael James Way.