What happens when the Greek Gods decide to take a vacation, leaving some of our favorite rockers in their place? Pure chaos!
The Holy Andy was understandably pissed. CC had eaten all his Skippy Super Chunk, the noise from Ashley's latest orgy had kept him up all night, Jinxx had killed a small village by taking off his socks, there was a pizza shortage due to someone coughJakecough, shepherds were questioning the stone sheep courtesy of Sandra, and Ronnie was just being high. Hell, now that he thought about it, Andy could've sworn that Ronnie was part of the orgy that Purdy initiated last night...
Andy was now tasked with fixing it all. He had to get more Skippy, ship pizza to New York, hide the stone sheep, lie about the reason the village died, and keep Ronnie out of trouble. But first, he would get some aspirin. On second thought, to hell with Ronnie. The fucker could get his sorry ass beaten up. Andy's headache was more important than keeping a high fucker out of trouble.
The life of a Greek God was never easy, that was certain. Hell, none of them had even asked for this. The Gods, after so many thousands of years of service, decided to take a vacation. So Black Veil Brides, along with several other bands, were chosen to take their place for a year. So far, it'd been a grand total of a week, and Andy was already sick and tired of it. How did the Greek Gods survive this shit? No wonder they were such a grumpy and argumentative and vengeful lot who picked fights over everything and couldn't keep it in their pants... er... togas?
Andy had taken the place of Zeus, even though he was arguably the youngest. Sandra was filling in for Medusa, sans snakes for hair. Now, she had a reason for the glasses all the time. For some reason, when she wore them, looking at her eyes didn't turn you to stone, it just gave you a funny feeling. Maybe giving the real Medusa sunglasses might help keep the rest of the Greek heroes from becoming statues.
Good ol Chuppy was now the God of War, standing in for Ares ("Destroyin' this shit, motherfuckin' bitches!"), Ronnie was Dionysus ("Why do I gotta be th' fuckin' god o' wine? Why not drugs? I ain't a motherfuckin' alcoholic!"), Ashley (predictably enough) was the god of love ("Yay! Bewbies! Lots and lots of bewbies!") Sammi took the place of Athena, and Matt Good was working in Hera's position. ("Wait, so if Hera is married to Zeus, does that mean I'm married to Andy?" "You're married to me?" "Looks like it." "Then go make me a sandwich!"), and Jinxx still stank like a fucker.
There were more people in (on?) Mount Olympus, but Andy (and the authoress!) were too lazy to list them... And thankfully, he was interrupted anywhore because Mikey Way, who had taken the place of Hermes, and still hadn't gotten used to the wings that had attached themselves to his converse, came crashing in. "Andy! Message for ya!" He yelled from his place face down in a pile of clouds.
When Mikey finally managed to pull his face out of the clouds, he yelled, "Andy! I got a message for ya!"
"Gerard says hi!"
Andy rolled his eyes. "Mikey..."
"Stop letting Gerard bully you into sending stupid messages."
"But I'm the messenger God!"
The skinny singer rolled his eyes. Some days, he couldn't help but question the other man's sanity.
"If you claim you're the messenger god, I have a task for you!" Andy said. Hopefully this would help him have one less thing to worry about on his long ass list of things to do.
"Ohh! A task? Yay! Does it involve unicorns?" Mikey squealed, clapping his hands, like a girl.
The vocalist cringed. "Who the fuck gave you coffee?"
"Your Mom! But what's the unicorn task?"
"I need Skippy."
"Yes. Skippy extra chunk peanut butter."
"But I thought you already had a lot?"
"Chuppy ate it."
"Our new drummer." Andy said. He could feel a migraine coming on.
"Ohhhh.... Mikey said, feeling rather stupid now.
The singer was about to go digging into his jacket for aspirin, before Mikey asked, "How are ya gonna keep him from eating it again?"
"I dunno Mikey, maybe tape a note on it saying Jinxx farted on it."
"Whaddaya got against ol Jinxxie?"
"Mikey, he stinks like a fucker."
"Go smell his morning breath. Not even Sammi can tolerate it, and they're planning on getting married."
Andy now had a full on headache. "Mikes, there's morning breath, dog breath, dragon breath, and then at the top, there's Jinxx breath."
"Oh. I knew that."
A half hour later, Andy had finally convinced Mikey to go get him his peanut butter. Now, he had to go deal with those stone sheep.
Descending from mount Olympus, he nearly fell onto the sheep in question. He tried pushing and shoving the sheep as much as he could, but it wouldn't move a single inch. "Fuck it!"
Looks like he would need help. So without further ado, he threw his head back, and let out a loud roar, a la Perfect Weapon.
Several minutes later, Ashley Purdy and Ronnie Radke showed up. Ronnie still looked stoned, and Ashley was only in his underwear, which looked like they'd been hastily pulled on. Apparently he was still having fun with his ladies.
"Yanno, ya coulda called, like, pick up the phone, answer your text..." Ronnie started to sing at the end. He was still toasted then. "This better be important, because I was fucking busy!" Ashley growled at the singer.
"Sure like you're gonna answer." Andy said to the singing Radke, and to the still glaring Purdy, he said, "Don't you mean you were busy fucking?"
The Outlaw flipped him off, then said, "If I say I'm busy, I'm busy. What I'm doing shouldn't matter."
"You mean who."
"Touche!" Toasted Ronnie said. Ashley aimed a fist in his direction.
"Guys!" Andy yelled.
"What?" They both yelled back.
"I called you here because I need help."
"Over a cliff?" Ronnie offered.
Andy glared, before saying, "No, with these damn stone sheep!"
"Wow, you're too skinny to do it yourself!These muscles are good for more than attracting the ladies, yanno. You should get some." Ashley said with a snicker. It was unlikely that the singer would ever take his advice, however.
"Just help me." Andy huffed.
The stone sheep didn't want to move. They were pretty solid bastards.
Somehow, they got the sheep hidden in a cave. However, the last one managed to fall on a car passing below. The trio shared a look, before saying simultaneously, "Oh shit!"
Andy and Ashley poofed away. Ronnie, too stoned to react, was left behind as an angry Greek man charged up the hill, raining curses down on the singer.
Meanwhile, Mikey stood outside a grocery store in America. He hated grocery shopping, but he told Andy he'd get him the damn Skippy. "Aizen dammit!" He muttered.
In Hueco Mundo, Aizen managed to sneeze all over Tosen. The blind man opened his mouth, and said, "Lack of Justice!"
"Not again!" All the Espada and Arrancar yelled in protest.
Because he was the only one that the angry man could find, Ronnie was the one who would be facing jail time. Again. He was quickly handcuffed and tossed into the back of a (Greek) police car. He sighed. This situation was becoming all too common to him.
He grumbled in annoyance as he was transported to jail to await charges on the stone sheep incident. He couldn't understand a single word here, and he noted with discomfort that many of the men seemed to be sizing him up, and not for a fight. No they, seemed to be sizing him up the same way he did women. Wondering how good of a lay they'd be.
Ronnie gulped. He liked his ass the way it was. He had so long worrying about it in his other jail stays he decided never again. He made the decision to stay clean, stay out of drugs, and for the love of all things holy, don't punch that Mabbit asshole when he saw him. And for a while, it worked, and Ronnie stayed out of jail. But then this Greek God thing came up, and here he was, dealing with the runoff of Andy's BS.
Back on Olympus, Ashley was asking Andy, "Shouldn't we save him?"
"Nope, he deserves it."
"But he might get raped!"
"He probably was someone's bitch in prison the last time." Andy said, shrugging.
"Don't you have some whores that need to be fucked?" Andy asked, raising a thin eyebrow.
"Good point!" Ashley said, before dashing away, still only in his underwear. Andy heaved a massive sigh. What did he do to get stuck with such an unruly group of people? Just as he began to contemplate this, Matt walked past.
"What?" Matt yelled back.
"Go make me a fucking sandwich!"
"I ain't yer wife! 'Sides, you look like the girl out of us!" He protested.
"Uh, according to mythology, you are!" Andy said, placing a hand on one bony hip that he cocked out to the side.
"I'm filling in for Zeus, you're filling in for Hera, they're married, means we're married, so go make me a sandwich bitch!" Andy looked like he was on the edge of a fit. Or about to commit a serious act of domestic violence on his 'wife'.
"Fine, fine, but I'm not sucking you!" Matt yelled.
"Why the hell would you do that?" Andy asked, confused by the seemingly out of the blue comment.
"You're the one running around saying that we're married, and I'm your wife!"
"Now that I think about it..." Andy said, a devious grin spreading on his face.
"Fuck no!" Matt yelled, running away in fear, and presumably, to go make the sandwich for the bag of bones. In response, the singer laughed like crazy. Maybe this whole Green God thing wouldn't turn out to be so bad after all. Even though it was stressful, he was at least already getting laughs out of it, and freshly made sandwiches.