I ran a hand through my already disheveled hair. “What if I jumped into everything too soon?”
My mom put her hand on my back lovingly. “Frankie, it’s perfectly normal to have second thoughts. It doesn’t mean what you did was wrong.” She grabbed my chin gently and made me meet her gaze. “Mikey hurt you, and you did the right thing by getting away from him, even if it does hurt.”
“But, it’s Gerard, mom! Mikey thinks I just used him to get to Gerard, which I didn’t, but it still makes me feel terrible. What kind of person am I?” I could feel tears beginning to form. For a few days it seemed like everything was going great, but after confronting Mikey last night, and then again earlier this morning, it seemed like everything was falling apart. It was almost like I was never going to be truly happy, because I would always be hurting someone. I didn’t know how much more of this I could take.
She wrapped her arms around me tightly, “Just give it some time, I’m sure everything will turn out alright.”
I shook my head, “And what if it doesn’t?”
For the first time in my life, my mom didn’t know what to say. She just looked at me with a sympathetic look on her face.
My mom was a teen counselor, she was supposed to know what to say in these situations. That was part of the reason I loved talking to her so much. But right now, she was speechless. She had nothing to say, and it made me feel sick.
I stepped out of her grip and hurried down the hallway to the stairs. I needed some time by myself, some time to think. As soon as I let her go, she looked almost hurt. I couldn’t think about that right now, I had bigger things to worry about.
As soon as I was in my bedroom, I shut the door and locked it behind me. I’d never once locked my room before, at least, not since my dad left. But right now I just needed to be alone with my thoughts.
It’s not that I didn’t love my mom, it’s just that being a highschool graduate, I needed to man up and start dealing with my own problems by myself, especially now that I know my mom can’t help me through this. I’m not five years old anymore.
I collapsed on my bed and looked up at my ceiling. Mikey didn’t love me anymore. It killed me to think the words, but I knew they were true. Maybe he could have still loved me, maybe we could have been friends, but I had to fall for his brother.
But it wasn’t my fault! Mikey changed. He was a drunk and abusive, just like my dad. I wasn’t going to put myself through that. It just happened that Gerard was there to comfort me, and his feelings for me were just an accident. If I would have known how he felt...
No. I still would have went to Gerard for help. He was the next closest friend I had. It would have always been Gerard. I just wish I could make Mikey see that I wasn’t using him just to get to his brother. Maybe then this would all work out and we could be friends.
I knew that wasn’t true. Mikey would never want to be friends again. Even if I did explain everything to him, the fact was that I still betrayed him. No matter what he’ll never be able to forgive me for what I’d done, just as I’ll never be able to forgive him for what he did.
I knew the right thing to do would be to break up with Gerard. It would be hard for the both of us, but if I can’t have Mikey in my life, I don’t deserve Gerard either. I’ve already screwed up both of their lives way too much. The least I could do is leave them alone.
At least I had done something right, I’d made Gerard break up with Bert. Bert was a drug addict that had anger management problems, and Gerard deserved so much better. I just hope he doesn’t go back to Bert after I leave. That would make me feel even worse, and at this point, I can’t take much more. If anything bad ever happened to Gerard or Mikey, I wouldn’t be able to handle it, especially if the bad thing happened because of me.
Sometimes I wish Mikey never told me he was gay. Then I never would have started to have feelings for him, and I could have went my whole life being perfectly fine. But my genetics didn’t want that, they wanted me to be miserable.
My tears had finally started to slow as I made up my mind about what I had to do. My heart was breaking more and more every second, but I knew I was going to do the right thing.
I was about to get up and start moving around when I heard a crash from downstairs. In a flash I was off my bed and at my door fiddling with the lock. It took me a lot longer than it should have to get the door opened. The whole time all I could think about was my mom. What if something happened to her? I was sure someone was breaking into the house, and I was just as sure that particular someone was my dad.
I made it downstairs in record time. Everything looked fine, and it sounded like my mom was in the kitchen. As quickly as I could I ran into the kitchen and found my mom... cleaning up a broken plate.
She smiled up at me as I held onto the doorframe for support. Ever since we’d had that break in, I had been so much more jumpy. Needless to say I felt extremely stupid for freaking out about this.
She nodded, dumping the fragments in the trashcan. “You thought someone was attacking me. Rest assured, Frank, we are both safe.”
I rushed across the kitchen to where my mom was standing and wrapped my arms tightly around her waist. If anything ever happened to her, I had no idea what I would do. She meant more to me than anything. My problems with Gerard and Mikey seemed stupid in comparison.