Making I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love is a painful experience for not just Gerard, but Tristan too. Gerard is having issues with his head no one can tell him what is wrong. Tris...
I’ll Never Let Them Hurt You, I Promise
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me?” I gasped as Frank lay across my twin bed in my bedroom of our father’s house. Frank’s band, Pencey Prep, had just lost a certain important member otherwise known as Frank. He quit the band because of the drama that was going on with me and Kat. Kat’s brother was the drummer of Pencey Prep and that made the guys fight all the time about her hatred for me. I was at a loss. What the fuck do I say? I feel like this is my fault.
“Nope, I’m serious. I can’t work with them anymore. They don’t understand that you are my sister and you come first. It’s ok though, I gotta gig tonight with I Am a Graveyard. I don’t know how that is going to work out,” Frank sighed, “Don’t worry you guys will still have a practice space. It’s Blaine’s dad’s old office building, remember?” Oh yea I forgot about that.
I put my guitar to the side of the bed and lay down next to him. I looked over at my brother’s face and said, “I’m gonna talk to the guys about you joining My Chemical Romance.” He would make an incredible new member. I love making music with Frank, so why not. This was a great opportunity too, because we just signed with Eyeball Records and are gonna be recording our record starting very soon. He needs to be a part of this.
Frank’s eyes glistened from the fresh tears freeing themselves from his blood shot eyes and finally found the words, “you would do that for me?”
I nudged his arm playfully and answered, “Hell yea, I would. You are an awesome guitar player and we would be lucky to have you.” I smiled and sat up. Frank followed. We both sat on the edge of my bed and shared the silence and I looked over to see the smile on his face. This was all I needed to know. He would be perfect for this band.
“Not a Studios,” Mikey giggles, “John Maclero’s basement.” I couldn’t help but laugh. We were sitting in John’s basement, where Alex from Eyeball sent us and we were making a plan on what we were going to record and when with Gerard, Ray, Frank, and Matt. John was upstairs with his mother talking about not vacuuming while we were recording.
We were in a basement. A fucking basement. I’m not complaining, I mean we are making a record. We are making a fucking record. I smiled and tried not to laugh too much. I had talked to the band and Frank was a wanted commodity, so he was now in the band with us. He wasn’t going to be on many songs because he didn’t know them, but he was happy to be a part of, as he puts it: his favorite band.
“Shh, here he comes,” I whispered to Mikey and we both stopped giggling.
John walked back downstairs with Geoff Rickly from the band Thursday. What an honor.
“Hi, I’m Geoff,” Geoff shook all our hands and explained how he had seen us at one of our first gigs and was going to produce our record. He had shaggy brown hair and a gap in his front teeth, but seemed like a very nice person.
“Let this adventure begin,” Gerard smiled. It was contagious. I smiled too. This was going to be a grand adventure and I’m glad I’m here to witness it.
One of the songs we recorded took several days to complete. Let’s just say that Gerard was having an issue.
“Take fifteen, Gerard if you need to step outside, just go do it. We need to get this recorded and move onto a new song,” John and Geoff both were sitting behind the glass of the recording studio. I was in the corner, waiting on my turn in the booth. Frank was on the couch asleep. Matt had left a couple hours before for something that I didn’t care to get the reason. Ray was sitting with Mikey at the table next to me.
We were all wondering what the hell was wrong with Gerard. It was like he couldn’t bear to sing. I had sung my background vocals on the song, Vampire Will Never Hurt You, the day before and was waiting patiently on the next. We had taken Gerard to the hospital twice since the start of recording and they kept sending him home and saying nothing was wrong with him. I didn’t know what was going on. I hadn’t spent the night in the basement since the night after I had been beaten up by Kat and her army of skanks. We were slipping further from each other. I felt like I had lost my best friend. We still hung out and joked around like we always had, but it felt different. We were reserved and never came in contact with each other. Our friendship was broken.
“I’m sorry; I don’t know what’s wrong.” Gerard finally spoke into the microphone. I got up and rushed into the booth and helped him out, upstairs, and outside.
We were alone now. I could hear the sound of guitars being played. I guess they decided to record something else.
Gerard sat down next to his car and laid his head against the driver’s door. I sat straight across from him, up against the wall of the side of the house. We were several feet apart, just staring at one another.
Gerard pulled out a cigarette and lit it as I watched with concerned eyes.
“I’m fine,” he finally spoke, while taking a long drag off his cigarette.
“You don’t seem fine,” I retorted. You’re not fine. I’m not fine. Don’t you lie to me.
“I can’t lie to you apparently.” Gerard sighed while flicking the ashes onto the ground. “I’m in pain; not just physically, but mentally.”
“I can see that,” I replied trying to find the right words to say. “What is wrong physically?”
Gerard grimaced at my question and took a deep drag off his cigarette. He looked older than he usually does. Maybe it’s just his hair; it was getting a bit longer. No that’s not it. He had dark circles under his eyes. He looks tired. Maybe he’s not sleeping, well that would make two of us. He looked thinner too. What is wrong with you?
“I’m in pain. I don’t know what it is. It’s my head. It won’t go away. I know we gotta finish the record because we don’t have a lot of time or money, but it hurts too much.” Gerard explained, or tried to explain. I was so confused. What hurts too much?
Gerard sighed, “I know that look,” I stared at him, “yea that look, it’s Tristan’s thinking too hard face. Don’t overanalyze what I just said. Yes it is what you think, somewhat. I am in physical pain. It’s not just in my head, but I’m also having issues mentally.”
I looked at him questioningly. Was I the issue?
“Yes,” Gerard answered my unspoken question. “I have thought about running away and hiding with you so many times. I want to so badly. I want to hold you close and tight and never let you go.” Gerard sighed once again. I placed my palm up to my head and held my head down, trying not meet his face. “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Should I be shocked now by the last thing you said?” I asked trying to hide my frustration. I looked up and brushed a tear from my cheek and said, “I feel like I’ve lost my best friend.”
Gerard didn’t say anything. We sat in silence until Ray came out to check on us.
“Is everything ok?” Ray asked as he rounded the corner and found us off the side of the house.
I looked up and replied, “Yes everything is fine. He just needed some air.” Ray looked over at Gerard, who was getting up and he nodded.
“Well, Tristan um we need to talk to you about something.” I eyed him curiously and got up too.
The basement was quiet when we all descended the stairs and went to the round table to talk about something important.
Frank, Mikey, Ray, Gerard, Geoff, and John all stared at me as I sat down across from them.
“Tristan we need you to play drums for the record.” I was taken aback. What?
“But Matt is playing the drums,” I questioned.
“Not very well,” Ray spoke up. I looked over at Gerard and he just looked down.
“What’s going on? Matt will be pissed,” I was so confused.
“We aren’t going to tell him,” Mikey replied. “He will still play for us live, but we need someone who can keep time play for the record.”
“We know you play,” Geoff spoke, “Are you willing to stay after Matt leaves everyday to redo the recording?”
I searched my band’s faces and finally answered, “Yes I’ll do it.”
A couple weeks later, we were on the downhill slide of finishing the record, but a song or two to go. Gerard had been to a couple more hospitals at this point and still no one knew what was wrong with him. Some kept telling him it was all in his head, but I knew better. Over the last few weeks I had played drums after Matt left everyday and he didn’t know the difference when it was played back for him the next day.
I was enjoying the extra studio time, but Gerard was worrying me. The last real conversation we had had was so hard and we never really finished it. We left it hanging in the air.
There was a thunderstorm brewing in the New Jersey sky when we arrived at John’s house. We all barreled down the stairs and got to work quickly.
We had to stop every once in a while because of the thunder. We were finishing the recording of Vampires Will Never Hurt You, finally. It had been weeks since we had picked up that song.
Gerard was still having issues with his head. I didn’t know what to do. We had to finish this record and it was killing him.
Gerard had been in the booth one minute the next he was racing up the stairs and out the door of the house and outside into the rainy New Jersey January weather. The storm was getting worse. I had followed him outside and found him banging his head against the hood of his car. He was howling in pain so loud that I wondered if the neighbors had heard and called the police.
“Stop! What the hell are you doing?” I cried and ran toward him and tried to pull him from the car. Ray and Alex had followed along with everyone else.
Matt followed them and raced toward Gerard, pushing me back out of the way to where I nearly fell to the muddy ground. Rain was sheeting down and the air was freezing. The rain was freezing on the ground, so I bet the car had been extremely hard for his head.
Ray and Alex pulled Gerard away from the car. “Dude calm down. You are fine.” Alex tried to reason with Gerard, but he was crying and screaming in pain. Alex didn’t know what else to do.
The next thing I know Alex punched Gerard, knocking him out.
I gaped from the side of house in horror. “What the hell did you just do?”
Alex turned to look at my furious face and answered, “He’s not freaking out anymore is he? I didn’t know what else to do. He was freaking the fuck out!”
“You didn’t have to punch him and knock him out,” I took a step forward in anger. Alex knew I was angry and tried to calm me down.
“I’m sorry; he’ll be ok. We are going to take him back to the hospital now.” Alex’s tone was nice and gentle toward me and I started to breath normally again.
Ray, Mikey, Matt, and Frankie had picked Gerard up off the ground and put him in the backseat of Ray’s car.
I slid into the backseat with him and held his unconscious head in my lap. Ray and Mikey rode in the front. Frank took Gerard’s car and followed us. I brushed Gerard’s rain soaked hair from his eyes and tried not to cry.