Nightmares, arguments, and realizations are plaguing Tristan. Touring continues and the release of Bullets is coming soon. What is going on with Tristan and Gerard? Will they ever get what they wan...
There’s No Room in This Hell
Gerard’s body was too weak, he couldn't hold himself up. Tears poured down his pale face as he threw up blood again. He couldn't hold himself up, and he fell face-first into the contents of his stomach.
Gerard reached upwards, his pale thin fingers dripping crimson liquid.
"Please," he choked out. "Please, Tristan. Hold me. Save me."
Tears dripped down my cheeks, splattering on the carpet.
"Oh, God, Gerard...please. Don't do this to me!" I cried, sliding my arms under Gerard's frail body and cradling him to my chest. We sobbed together as one, fear and pain oozing out of our pores and mixing with the thick, musty air.
Mikey, Ray, Frankie, and Matt all stood back, watching the scene, horrified. No one had called for help. Everyone's fear had blocked out all rational thought.
"Please, Gerard no...," I wailed, clutching Gerard close. Gerard was shaking, hard. I sobbed, whispering sweet nothings and pleading for Gerard to stay with me.
Gerard murmured into my chest, "I love you..."
His body shuddered one last time, and then, time left Gerard Way behind.
I let out a scream as I felt the life leave Gerard's body, and unable to take it anymore, I dropped his lifeless body to the floor. His head smacked against the carpet with a thud, his head lolling to the side. Gerard's eyes were closed, but his mouth was still slightly open with a red trickle of blood coming out of the corner, marring the pale beauty of his skin.
Mikey burst out sobbing, his screams ripping through the air as the bond between the two brothers was broken for good.
Ray and Frank looked at each other, suddenly terrified, and immediately went into each other's arms. Matt looked horrified.
I screamed into the carpet with all my might, sobbing and then-
“Tristan, wake up! Tristan! Wake up!” Gerard was shaking me awake. I was lying on the couch in the basement. Everything was ok. He was alive. I was still crying. Fucking nightmares.
“I’m awake,” I whispered into the darkness. I noticed the clock next to his bed read, 3:08 in the morning. “I’m sorry. It was just a nightmare.”
Gerard sat down at my feet and placed a hand on my knee and said, “You were screaming and crying at the top of your lungs. What were you dreaming about?” Gerard was curious as to why I was screaming bloody murder.
I shrugged my shoulders, not wanting to tell him the truth.
Gerard didn’t push the subject. He just got up and went back to his bed. I laid my head back down and tried to go back to sleep, but was defeated.
It had been a little over a week since Gerard had been knocked out by Alex. We had taken him to the hospital and they finally figured out what was wrong. An abscess in Gerard’s mouth was the issue. The issue that had plagued him for weeks, making him think he was crazy. Eight different hospitals had been wrong and he was really in pain. He was fine now, since he finally got the medical attention he needed.
That night in the hospital had been interesting to say the least.
I sat there on the hospital bed, allowing an overly medicated Gerard to keep his arms wrapped around me until he passed out on the bed. Maybe blacking out and forgetting everything is the only way to make the pain go away. I hated being this close to him and not being able to enjoy it. He had been in pain and it was terrible to see him like that. I want to be with him so badly.
No! I yelled at myself for thinking this way. I can’t think like that. I mean yeah, he’s my best friend and I love him but I can’t keep feeling this way toward someone who will never be with me.
"Tristan," Frank, pulled me out of my thoughts. "Do you want to watch TV?" Frank asked, shifting nervously in the chair next to the hospital bed.
I shrugged, not really caring. I suppose it’s better than sitting here watching Gerard sleep and wondering what he was dreaming about.
Frank turned the television on. Ray shifted in his chair, fast asleep and Mikey was asleep next to him. Matt had gone home earlier. "Oh Texas Chainsaw Massacre," Franks exclaimed, happily.
I frowned; he pressed play on the remote that he had searched for earlier. As we watch the movie, it is silent except for Gerard's stirring every once in a while. I sat with no emotion on my face trying to hide just how much this was upsetting me to see him like that.
The night seemed like it would never end, but the morning came and he was feeling much better.
We had finished the record a couple days ago and now we had gigs here and there. The record wouldn’t be out for five months; July actually.
I had stayed with Gerard since that night in the hospital; not wanting to leave him alone. We weren’t talking really, but we weren’t alone.
I didn’t want to leave him alone because of what he had said before and also because he had been drinking heavier lately and abusing his medications. He was depressed more so than I had ever seen him. I couldn’t help but feel like this was my fault. I had shown how I really felt finally and it only hurt the both of us worse than not saying anything. We both were depressed. It was all my fault, my selfish actions of my suicide attempt and him finding me was not the best idea I had ever had.
The room was dark and silent. I could hear Gerard’s steady breathing and I concentrated on it to try to go back to sleep. I was wide awake now and my mind wouldn’t shut down. I sighed.
“You can’t sleep either?” Gerard questioned from the darkness of his bed.
Crap he heard me. “Sorry,” I apologized for my loud sigh.
“Don’t be,” Gerard breathed, “I can’t sleep either. You scared me to death.” Gerard went on. “You were having a nightmare about me, huh?”
He knows me too well. I scowled to myself, “You are right on point, my friend.” What the hell? Why would I say it like that? Shit is too awkward between us, obviously.
Gerard squirmed in his bed, but didn’t get up. “What happened in your nightmare?” He questioned. Why was he so interested in my nightmare?
Should I tell him the truth? I sighed yet again and finally spoke, “Long story short, you um,” I gulped, “you a…well…um-“
“Trist, just tell me,” Gerard was impatient.
“You died,” I whispered.
Gerard shifted to get off his bed. He flicked on the lamp on his desk and walked over to the couch toward me. He kneeled down next to my head and stared at my face.
Gerard reached out and touched my cheek gently and smiled his sideways smile. “I’m ok, Trist. See I’m here and alive.”
I laughed a half assed laugh and smile slightly for him. “I’m sorry I scared you.” I apologized.
“It’s ok. You didn’t do it on purpose. Your reaction though,” Gerard still had his hand on my cheek, he brushed my dark hair behind my ear, “your reaction was….I don’t know what to say, but it’s comforting.”
“Comforting?” I questioned. He was dead. I was extremely distraught.
“That you would react like that if I were to die, yes it’s comforting. You would miss me and grieve from the loss of me,” Gerard explained. I understood. I knew how he would react if I were to die too. I knew all too well that I didn’t want that to happen to him.
“Oh,” I said simply. Gerard was still leaning next to the couch; he leaned forward and kissed my forehead ever so gently, almost sadly.
“Goodnight, Tristan,” Gerard stood up, walked to his desk, turned off the lamp, and got back into bed.
“Goodnight, Gerard,” I spoke into the darkness.
Several weeks later in March of 2002, My Chemical Romance had gotten our hands on a white van that Gerard and Mikey’s grandparents bought for us to use. We were touring a few days a week, going further into New Jersey, Virginia, and New York. All of us piled into the van with a small trailer on the back holding our equipment and instruments. Gerard, Mikey, Frank, Matt, Ray, and I take turns driving and we have broken down several times in the past few weeks, but all in all it has been exciting. It’s cathartic and a mess, but it’s working with what we got. The boys are messy and smell, but I tolerate it, in fact, it’s something I make fun of them about. They just laugh it off. Things are tough, but we are living our dream.
Gerard and I haven’t been talking much, only stuff about the band and music. We aren’t friends anymore, it seems. I’m devastated, but no one knows. Frank, Mikey, and Ray keep asking us what is going on between us, but we keep saying nothing. I mean what would you say to them? Oh Gerard and I kind of made out and we kind of have feelings for each other, but we aren’t together. It sounds stupid when said out loud, but I did have a rather long conversation, well argument with Mikey about us.
I followed Mikey to the door, and then to the back room down the hall of the venue in Virginia. He gestured for me to go in first, opening the door like a gentlemen. I made sure to see if he locked the door or not, slightly stupid paranoia worming its way into my mind. Mikey didn’t, so I went and sat down on the couch. He chose to remain standing, leaning against the wall and studying me with hostile eyes. Which to be completely honest, was weird for Mikey. He is like my brother in a sense.
“Well?” he finally asked his tone the perfect example of annoyance.
“You saw us….it was nothing. Why am I back here?” I calmly asked him, trying my hardest to resist crossing my legs and looking like the female Doctor Phil.
“This is wrong,” Mikey angrily replied, clenching his hands into tense fists. To even my surprise I didn’t even wince. I deserved that hostility, and Mikey was partially right. But even then I couldn’t help but be offended that he was talking to me like I was some kind of… whore.
“It was never intentional for this to happen, if you believe it or not. That’s the honest truth. Yes I always had feelings for your brother, but I never intended to act upon them,” I softly told Mikey, trying to keep eye contact so he could see the bare truth.
“Then why did you?” Mikey retorted, his fists clenched even tighter. Suddenly overwhelmed with guilt I looked at the floor, brushing some of my hair behind my ears as I tried to keep my eyes from watering. How was I supposed to answer that? What could I say?
“I don’t know, I really don’t know,” I finally answered him, my voice cracking near the end. Why did I let Gerard kiss me in the alley? It had all seemed so right and perfect, but looking back on it, all of the hurt could have been prevented if I hadn’t gone after my own selfish happiness. But did I want to be selfish? If a person got right down to thinking, was it?
“What an answer,” Mikey snorted, not even bothering to look at me. Instead he gazed at the opposite wall, the hostility emanating off of him like light from the sun. Silence overtook the air, neither of us knowing what to say.
But suddenly I was sick of his anger towards me. He wasn’t letting me say anything, and he wasn’t looking at my side of the situation at all. From square one all he’d been to me was brutal and cold, and I was sick and fucking tired of it. He was acting more immature then me for fuck’s sake! At least I was trying to talk to him rationally, and here he was looking at the fucking wall and pouting.
“I don’t understand you. You know me, Mikey. Why are you treating me like some common ho that is trying to bag Gerard or some bullshit? Can you please be mature?” I asked my enemy slowly and carefully, trying to keep anger out of my words to show that I wasn’t a stupid, hormonal teenager. It was an effort to keep my voice from cracking, or going slightly hysterical, and in the end it was still visible in my tone.
It was at that moment that his eyes softened, just like Gerard’s did. I stared at them as Mikey sighed and slumped against the wall, guilt coming into his eyes, and the enormous frustration of our situation. That was when I realized that Mikey wasn’t mad at me. It changed everything.
“I don’t hate you, Tristan,” he said after a pause, and a new kind of guilt trickled into the cocktail. Those words were sad and guilty, without a trace of anger in them whatsoever. My statement seemed to break all of the anger, and all of the hostility away from Mikey.
“Then why the anger?” I asked Mikey quietly, and for the first time since we’d been caught in the alley, he actually looked me in the face.
“I don’t hate you. In fact, I see you as my little sister, Tristan. I’m… sorry,” Mikey slowly told me, his voice heavy and laden. It took me a minute to process the enormity of those few words, and when I finally did I wasn’t sure what to say. All this time I had thought that Mikey was just as angry with me. I had never expected him to apologize, never.
“It’s… it’s ok. I can understand this is as much my fault as it is Gerard’s,” I finally told Mikey, thinking of nothing else to say. It was then that his face changed and contorted, and the words became angry again, but not directed at me.
“No it isn’t! He’s the older one! He’s fucking eight years older than you. He took advantage of you. He should have known better. I mean look at how you guys are now. How he is acting,” Mikey spat out, and then I felt a rage take over me. Gerard fucking Way never took advantage of me!
“Gerard never took advantage of me, never. What I did was out of my own will. He gave me every choice, and I thought that you’d realize that. We’ve even argued about it, about how young I am and how old he is, and if it’s wrong or not. And you know what? It isn’t Mikey, it isn’t. Age doesn’t mean shit,” I said calmly, but with obvious venom in my voice. Where the hell did he get off saying that? Gerard has tried staying away from me. He is still doing it now, but that was a moment of weakness. Mikey didn’t know the whole story; my suicide attempt. He doesn’t know.
“I’m anything but naïve. I can’t believe you said that,” I told Mikey, defiantly.
The man leaning on the wall was obviously conflicted; his brows scrunched together, his lips slightly pursed as he thought about what I’d just said. Me, I stayed quiet, giving him time to sort it all out himself. I knew the feeling of being confused about everything all too well. Finally he spoke.
“It doesn’t make sense that my brother would go after any sixteen year old. You have to be something pretty fucking special,” Mikey told me calmly, and I couldn’t help but feel a few twinges of flattery. But the biggest thing was the change in his form, his features. Like he’d figured out the answer to one of the smaller questions, and his burden had suddenly gotten lighter.
“Your brother is a wonderful man,” I replied, meaning every word. For the first time Mikey smiled slightly, gazing at me with wide eyes, but all too soon his face fell.
“Yes he is. I wouldn’t have minded it if you were even six or seven years older. In fact I would have welcomed it. I mean you two are perfect for each other,” Mikey told me sadly, and I started to feel even more sympathy towards him. It must have been so hard being the third wheel, looking in and trying to decide what the hell to do.
“It’s the lying that I hate the most. We aren’t even together and it’s a mess,” I told Mikey gravely, and he didn’t react with any anger. Instead he just sadly nodded, that face that hinted of Gerard’s looking old and worn.
“That’s why everything is coming apart, and why everything is a mess. I’m the only one that really knows what’s going on. I didn’t pay much attention to you guys till after we brought you home from the hospital. Gerard was different and you were so sad,” Mikey confessed to me, and I felt my heart quit beating for a minute. I knew exactly what he was talking about. We had stopped talking when I came home. Well I had stopped and it was hurting him. Mikey sighed and he rubbed his forehead from fatigue and stress. “Being close like you two are, it means sharing things that I know I don’t know about. You two are keeping something else from me and everyone,” he replied with extreme confidence.
At first I tried to protest very loudly, but the more he talked the more my resistance faded. Instead I felt like I was sinking. Down, down, down. Mikey knew something was up. I don’t want to tell you how low I sank. I stared at him, not saying a word.
“Stop already! Please, stop. I get it,” I suddenly exclaimed, and that was when I realized my eyes were watering. Mikey stopped in a flash, shocked by my sudden outburst.
“What do you mean?” he asked, and I started madly laughed. What did I mean? Oh boy. Now I got it, now I fucking got it. How Mikey had said he wasn’t mad at me that was all an act. No, it was just his way of working in the tale he was trying to get across to me. And what was I keeping from him. So I laughed even louder. How stupid could I have been?
“You know what? You didn’t need to go to all that trouble of being angry with me. Yes I am hiding something from you, but it has nothing to do with your brother and I would rather never discuss it. It’s no one’s business,” I finally told him, the anger in my words surprising even me. I was mad at everything in that moment.
From seeing Mikey’s face I knew he hadn’t been expecting anything close to what I’d said. The shock on his face was very apparent, and at first he didn’t know what to do.
“I don’t know what you are keeping from me, and I think maybe you need to tell someone before this depression you are in, consumes you and hurts you,” Mikey said, causing the anger and rage to completely pause for a moment. Suddenly I felt guilty for what I’d said, and even more in the dark about what exactly Mikey felt about this whole situation.
“Look, I’m sorry you saw Gerard and I in the alley. I was a mistake and we aren’t letting it happen again. And I’m sorry that you have to be the one caught up in all of this shit,” I said, trying to apologize in some way.
“I’m just trying to do the right thing,” he sadly replied, keeping away the silence. With those words the fire of defiance suddenly flared up in my eyes, surprising even me. It filled me to the very core, and right away I had words to throw back.
“Why? Why would it bother you if Gerard and I got together?” I countered, the language coming out fast and furious. Mikey winced at the intensity of my words, but I didn’t care. Who was he to play God? Who was he to kill love? My first love! And his brother’s happiness. Even though I knew those feelings were irrational, they overtook me like the madness of fever.
“He’s in too deep. Too fucking deep. I know he loves you Tristan, he never told me, but I know from how hard he’s been fighting. The last thing I want to do is take that away from him, but… it needs to be done,” Mikey said. At first I didn’t know what to say. So he knew that Gerard actually loved me. He knew his brother well enough to figure it out, and he still didn’t hate me.
“And I love him. Is that so wrong?” I replied softly, and Mikey sadly shook his head. That was the first time I had ever said it out loud. I love Gerard Way. Strange how good that feels.
“No it isn’t. But your ages are. I don’t want my brother going to jail, and you’ve got to understand that,” Mikey told me sadly. That was when I realized that the brother had truly been backed into a corner with all of this, just like I had. I didn’t want Gerard going to jail either. It was either happiness or destruction, but in the end we both knew what had to win.
“I do, and he said the same thing,” I told Mikey, my voice suddenly cracking because of how horrible that truth was. No matter how old anybody was, humans were never ready to lose the kind of love I had for Gerard.
“You know, you really are something else,” he replied, gazing at me. That was the moment when our opinions forever shifted of each other. The way his eyes had changed, from hostility to this kind of regarding that I liked. Respect. Understanding. Silence took the air for a minute, but then it was me who finally spoke again.
Mikey and I didn’t speak anymore about the alley issue. He was fine now that he had got out what he wanted to say and I was relieved that he didn’t push for any more information about what I was hiding.
Hope to have a new chapter up the first week of December!!