Merlin is an old poopie wizard! One-shot
"Was this horrendous torture ever going to end?" I cried to myself. I was currently seated next to the most wanted man at Hogwarts, during our 7th year Transfiguration class.
Normally one for listening attentively, taking notes, and answering questions faster than the speed of light, I was completely and utterly useless today. All I could think of was two non-transfiguration related subjects, How to restrain yourself 101 and my new favorite, Stop acting like a tramp in heat...erm...ology.
In a not so subtle and quiet way, I dropped my head down onto my desk. Yes, it hurt, but I needed to do something to stop the madness that was running through my head. Like running my hands through that damn hair of his and shoving him up against a wall, moving my hands down his body nice and slow; just to see him squirm. A moan almost made its way past my lips, but thankfully I still had some restraint left in me. Quickly I brushed all those thoughts from my head.
I had to stop this nonsense. For one, I really can't be thinking this way when I had never even had a proper boyfriend and for two how can I think about the things I think about when I haven't even been kissed yet.
This time a sigh managed its way past my virgin lips, 7 years with two male best mates and I haven't even been kissed. How sad am I? Well if you were to ask me, I would tell you that if you placed me next to my first year bookworm self, not one thing had changed, not one. The only exception to that is the fact that biology had taken over and 7 years had made me at least look like a woman. I still felt like me 11 year old self; a mousey, shy, know-it-all bookworm; and I hate it.
Thankfully; before my mind could wander again; I felt someone nudge me out of my self hating, Harry Potter loving thoughts. I looked up to see what was going on, looking at the seat next to me; where the nudge had come from; my best friend Harry Potter was looking at me curiously...with those emerald eyes and that dark messy hair and that slight stubble on his chin from not shaving in a day or two. I groaned painfully and dropped back down onto the desk.
"Why Merlin?! Why Harry? Huh?? You think that my love life isn't funny enough with the lack of love that you have to make my only love impossible?! Well thank you, you old smelly poopie wizard!" I yelled out in my head.
"Hermione?" Harry asked tentitivly, "Mione? Class is over, are you coming to dinner?"
I attempted a shrug, but from Harry's reaction it must have looked more like I was crying, because he immediately told Ron we would meet him in the Great Hall, sat back down and placed a loving hand on my back, gentle rubbing and all.
"Mione? What's wrong?" Probed Harry, then before I could even think of an excuse he added, "And don't even think of trying to lie to me Miss Granger because I know you far too well and it was extremely obvious that your heart was not into Transfiguration today."
Naturally I'm a quick thinker and so the excuse that came spewing out of my mouth was pure genius and there would be no way that Harry would peruse the matter further
"I'm in love with someone." WHAT?!?!?! Hermione Granger you IMBISOLE!!! You bloody stupid wanker! Why would you say that?! Why? Great thinking, you genius!!
"Really? That's what's been causing you to beat your lovely head to a pulp on the desk then? That doesn't seem so bad, so what's with the trying to kill yourself during class, then?" Harry chuckled slightly. I noted how he hadn't asked who it was that I had just proclaimed my love for and took a shaky breath. Sitting up I looked into Harry's eyes, my love's eyes.
"The reason I've been less then nice to my head, which contains my stupid brain, is that I can't stop thinking about him, when there is no chance for me, especially with him." I sighed, again.
"No chance?? Who is this bloke? Is he a wanker? I bet he is, in fact I know he is, if he won't give you a chance! You're perfect! Why do you think you don't have a chance?" Harry asked. I looked deep into his eyes, begging two things at once. One side pleading that he just drop it so that I don't have to continue down this road and the other side dropping to its knees and begging for him to realize that he's the only one I will ever love. A confused look flashed over his face for a second, but it quickly went back to curious.
"Hermione? What's really wrong? I can tell that this isn't the whole truth. You know you can trust me." He said softly and full of concern. That ass, he's making this too hard! I let out a frustrated sigh because I knew that he wouldn't give up. I decided that I would steer this into a slightly different direction and see if maybe I can subtly lead him away from this completely.
"Harry, can I ask you something first?"
"Of course, Mione."
"What's it like?" I paused, knowing that he would have no clue what I was going on about, but I was shy and I didn't know how to ask. Harry was the perfect guy, as always, and waited silently.
"What's it like knowing that you can have anyone you want and then actually having them?" Saying it back to myself in my head to make sure it came out how I intended it to.
Harry stared at me for a few moments. At first I thought he was going to ignore the question altogether. Then, after a few deathly quiet minutes, his face slipped into a thoughtful look and he let his head fall slightly to the side.
"I was going to lie and tell you that I don't know what that's like at all, I was going to say that I wish I knew what it was like to have anyone I wanted, but I can't lie to you Hermione. Sometimes it's wonderful knowing that all I have to do is tell a girl she's pretty and the next moment be snogging her in an empty corridor and then just as fast be walking away to see who else I can get alone with me. On the flip side it's horrible, because I know that none of them really want to be with me. They all want to say that their the one who really got Harry Potter, the one he loves, the one that wasn't a one night anything. Not one of them really cares that I might want more then something physical when I tell them they're pretty. Sometimes I feel like I'm using them, but when I step back from it all I realize that they're the ones who lead us to the empty halls and vacant classrooms. I want love, like my parents had and they all just want to shag the great Harry Potter." His fists had curled together, whitening the skin over his knuckles. I suddenly felt horrid for asking him what is was like. The pain I feel is nothing compared to what he feels all the time. I want to comfort him, but I know that I have no clue how to do that. He needs someone who loves him and he loves back and I know that can never be me because even though I love him with all my heart, his heart is the one that needs to love.
"I-I'm sorry Harry, for everything. I'm sorry it's like that for you and I'm so sorry that I asked you in the way that I did. I feel horrid. I just... I didn't know." I stammered hoping that he'll know I never meant to make him talk about anything he didn't want to. Harry relaxed slightly at the sound of my voice and loosened his hands. Looking up at me he smiled and took my small hand into his.
"Don't be sorry, Mione. I'm kind of glad you asked me. Even though I knew what was going on, I don't think I would have ever stopped it till now, because now it's real, now I can't deny what's been going on for too long. I need to just slow down and stop looking for someone to fill that space; I should just settle down and wait. There's no need for me to be in such a hurry anymore. I have my whole life ahead of me now. I guess what really sent me into this mess was Ron. I hate to admit it but I was pretty jealous that Ron had lost his virginity before me. That seems so silly, but for some reason I just let it get to me." Harry chuckled and shook his head lightly, his hand never leaving mine.
I stared at him in disbelief. I tried to look away or act like it was no big deal, but to me it meant everything. My eyes started welling up and I had to blink furiously to keep them at bay. Thankfully Harry was still thinking about his newest revelations and I was able to get myself under control. While I was thinking and worrying about my face I had not thought about my hand, which Harry was still holding. I must have been gripping it quite hard because Harry looked up at me with a questioning look. Before he could question me, a question of my own came from my mouth.
"You're really a virgin?"
Harry looked surprised, then shy and embarrassed. His face flushed red and he turned his eyes away from me.
"Yes, I, well, I just haven't found that one girl yet. I know there are all those rumors out there but like I said before, it's mostly girls saying that they had me first."
"-But Ginny? I mean, you two, she said that on your six month..." I trailed off, not wanting to say anything more.
"What? No, she wanted to, but I told her that I wasn't ready and that I didn't think we were ready. She didn't like hearing that but I just had to do what I thought was right." Harry's eyes came back up to mine and I could tell that he felt strongly about his choice and even though most boys would be ashamed that they hadn't jumped at the chance to have sex, Harry was proud.
"Anyway, we broke up about a month after that and I guess, in a way, I'm happy that I turned her down because it's obvious now that she wanted the same thing all the others wanted."
"I'm sorry Harry. If it means anything, I'm proud of you. Not many guys would do that and even if they did, none would admit it." I said softly, turning in my seat to place my free hand over our joined ones to cover his large hand in a comforting embrace. He smiled up at me and, standing up, gently pulled me into a hug.
After a good minute or two, he pulled away held me out at arm's length.
"Now Hermione, that was a smooth move you pulled there, but don't think for a second that that gets you out of talking to me about this guy that's got you banging your head over him. Let's head towards the common room and talk some more." I groaned slightly at the thought of him possibly finding me out, but I must say I was excited to be spending some more time with just him.
It's not that I didn't love Ron, but that bloody mouth on him usually ruined any nice conversation the three of us started to have. The second the conversation got too "girly and emotional" for him, he changed the subject to something lame that "men should talk about". Grabbing all our books, we made our way out into the hall. Normally through the next series of corridors, would simply keep going straight with one right thrown in, till we got to the stair cases. Not this time, I guess. At the very first intersection of hallways, Harry grabbed my arm lightly and pulled me into the right hall. I looked at him curiously, but said nothing; he obviously wanted to take the long way.
We walked in a warm silence for quite a ways with Harry leading the way, turning into a new hall every so often. I was beginning to think that we weren't going to continue with our conversation, when he spoke up.
"So are you going to tell me his name?" Harry questioned, looking at me for a moment, before looking back down the hall.
I was going to answer, I think, but I guess I was silent for too long because Harry took it upon himself to guess.
"Okay then, I know it's not Ron because he did ask you did the Christmas ball and you turned him down." Harry thought for a moment, and then proceeded with his interrogation, "Seamus? No, you have better taste than that. Neville, maybe? He's a nice bloke, though I don't think you would be this shy around him. Oh, maybe Tyler from Ravenclaw? He's a smart one, you would like that, but he's not very romantic I hear, and you would like to be romanced..."
Harry continued on, naming plenty of guys and after each name he would note why I wouldn't go for them. He was making my heart beat so fast, I wish he could see what he was doing to me.
We took another left and with his guessing and my mind wandering we had walked right into a dead-end. Harry stopped walking and looked at me with a shocked expression.
"I know who it is!" My heart slowed to a deadly stop and all the blood rushed to my face. "You love Frankie Clousp from Hufflepuff! He's smart, and funny, and everyone knows he's the biggest romantic. Don't try to hide it anymore, I've figured it out!" Harry stated triumphantly. I looked at him mournfully; my eyes began to well up. He would never know, never realize that I would do everything for him. Everything fell down around me. Harry's triumphant grin quickly turned to a scared worried one.
"Hermione, it's okay. I won't tell if you don't want me to." He said soothingly, reaching towards me to pull me into another loving hug. I didn't mean to, but I pulled back from him harshly.
"Don't Harry. I'm sorry, but please don't touch me right now." I was about to walk away, just get myself out of the situation and then later tell Harry some lie about how I was being girly and emotional, but I couldn't. Harry didn't lie to me and he never would. I can't lie to him anymore, even if he hates me, I just can't do that to him.
I stopped walking away, and stood with my back to him for a moment before turning around and walking back to Harry. I stopped about a foot from him and looked right into his eyes.
"Listen Harry, I don't love Frankie or Seamus or any of those guys. Who I love is so much more passionate. He doesn't care about just himself or his family and friends, he cares about everyone." I sighed, this isn't how I wanted to tell him, I hate those movies when one of the hopeful lovers makes a speech to the unknowing love-of-their life, and suddenly they see the world anew and their life together begins. What a load of crap.
"I don't understand Hermione. You're acting kinda strange and it's like you want to tell me, but you won't." Harry said, a hurt look making its way over his handsome face.
"Harry, I don't want to lie to you. I really don't want to, but I'm scared to tell you the truth. I'm afraid that you'll hate me and that's just something that I wouldn't be able to handle. I know I should just tell you, but for now do you think that we could ju-" Harry put his hand up to stop me from saying anymore.
"I think I know what you're trying to say and I want you to know that I could never hate you, I think its a little gross and I don't understand how you could like someone like him, but I--"
"Who are you talking about?" I interrupted, thoroughly confused. A puzzled look graced Harry's features.
"The only person I can think of that I would dislike you liking is Malfoy." Harry explained honestly.
"Malfoy!? Harry! Can't you see what's right in front of you? I love you Harry!" I blurted out, horrified that he thought I meant Draco Malfoy. My throat tightened making my voice weak, "I love you, Harry Potter." I whispered, unsure of what to do next.
I took a step backwards, feeling a little too close to Harry after what had just happened. He still hadn't said anything and I was starting to get worried. Not wanting to hear how he loves me too, but only as a friend; I turned and began to walk back to my dorm. Harry gently grabbed my elbow and turned me back towards him. My eyes stayed trained on the marble floor, for fear that if I looked at him I would break out into tears.
"It's okay Harry; I don't expect you to feel the same way. Just let me go so I can get myself together." I said quietly. His hand dropped from my elbow, thinking this was my chance to get away I took a step back. Harry followed my step, keeping the same distance between us. I paused; I wanted to look at him. See his face one more time before I had to go back pretending that I didn't love him. Slowly I lifted my head up, taking in every inch of him. Before I could even get to his face, Harry placed his hands on my shoulders and pulled me into him, just like he had done in the classroom. I put my arms around him and snuggled my face into his chest, relieved that he wasn't angry with me.
"I have to say, I honestly was not expecting that." Harry spoke softly, "but I want and need you to know that hearing you say those words to me makes me so happy."
I tried to move away to look at him, needing to know if he was serious or not, but Harry held tight.
"Just wait, Mione. I'm sorry, but I have to finish or I might not say everything." I relaxed in his hold and let his voice soothe me.
"I think you're perfect, you know. I don't think anyone's good enough for you, especially me. You're my best friend and I don't want to see you with anyone else. I don't want to say I love you because that's my defense against the world, not loving anything or anyone, but I would be lying to you and myself if I didn't. So as long as we're being honest here, I want you to know that I love you too." He finished his voice so soft that if I had not been listening I wouldn't have heard it at all. His grip on me tightened towards the end, but now they loosened allowing me to pull back from him.
Not knowing what to say, I simply looked up at him. Was this real? Is he for real? He loves me? Should I do something?
Slow tears we're making their way down my face. Harry lifted his hands and put them on either side of my face, using his thumbs to wipe them delicately. I knew right then. I knew, I know what to do. Words be damned. I moved my hands to his shoulders and slowly rose up onto my tip-toes. I paused as I reached my full height and looked at Harry's face, those emerald eyes and that dark messy hair and that slight stubble on his chin from not shaving in a day or two, and I did what an hour or two ago I thought that I would never do in my whole life.
I kissed Harry Potter.
I kissed Harry Potter and it was bloody wonderful.