Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Harry Potter and the Shen Long Pirates
Reviews
Harry Potter and the Shen Long Pirates
(#) DnG 2012-11-30
Again, to follow up my review from chapter one, you are mixing universes here and need to introduce the characters to us. I am oblivious to the Buffy universe. In other words, I don't know shit about that world. Now, that being said, take some time to introduce the readers to your characters.
The action can still happen, but the readers need to meet and greet the participants in your little gathering here. What does Zander look like? Who's Faith? What about Cordelia? I know who Hermione is, as this is a Harry Potter story, but no clue who the others are.
You need to understand that when you are mixing two different worlds, at least half of your reader base will be oblivious to one or the other worlds. Take some time to put them all on the same playing field so that we can get to know them.
Other than that, keep improving your skills as you have potential. You have a great idea here, but its not a race to write it out and post it. Try rereading what you have written so far and expand on what you have written. Take some time to introduce us to the players. Like the three people in the first chapter who come speeding down Privett Drive. What kind of vehicle were they driving, that sort of stuff.
I got the impression that one of the people was a Potter, but beyond that, not a clue.
Hope this helps and I look forward to seeing what you do with the next chapter.
Author's response
I've revamped the first chapter and will work on the second tonight. With descriptions of the characters and how they fit in to the story. But come on, I thought you watched 'Buffy' with the rest of us in the mid 90s?Harry Potter and the Shen Long Pirates
(#) DnG 2012-12-02
Actually, I don't watch TV, I'm blind. Although, I do love to read a good book. That is why I am encouraging you to create the scene for me. It is the sign of a talented writer, one that can create a world that the reader can get lost in while envisioning the world that the author created.
That is the problem with the majority of authors today, they expect the reader to envision the world that they have created without giving the reader a glimpse of what lies within.
Sorry if I raised your hackles somewhat, but I was intrigued slightly by the story and just wanted to see the world as you see it. After all, your story is definitely not following JKR's world and therefore, I doubt that it will look the same either.
As for Buffy and crew, I have read some fan fiction when it has crossed into the Harry Potter universe, but beyond that, I haven't got a freaking clue dude.
And to be honest, you could have fleshed out the first two chapters into something four or five times longer, to give the reader something to sink their teeth into. But it was over just as I was getting in to it. Take the criticism if you want, or don't, its no sweat off of my back, but I was given similar advice when I first started to write.
Now, I'm off to check out the third chapter.
Cheerio.
Author's response
I'm sorry if I was insensitive about your blindness. I didn't know, I'm glad you liked the revamp.
Could also give me a head's up about what's wrong with the third chapter?
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