randomly got the title and went from there. inside snape's head, it's kinda scary. for once i don't disregard HBP. for those who haven't read HBP, it's got a huge spoiler.
Severus: You know, I think they came hear to read the story, not listen to you rant.
Kiritsu: Well they didn't come here to listen to you be an evil git to the author either.
Severus: does patented Snape Glare Just do the disclaimer and get on with the story.
Kiritsu: Oh fine. They're not mine. But I wish Sevvie was.
Severus: What did I tell you about calling me 'Sevvie'?
Kiritsu: unafraid Not to.
Severus: shakes head
Kiritsu: Oh, I should have probably warned for AU as well...it is a bit since we don't really know that much about how Sev grew up and all. Now onto the story
My name is Severus Snape.
I'm sure you've heard of me.
The greasy git?
Yes, I know what the students call me.
You probably think you know me.
They certainly do.
But they don't.
And you definitely don't.
You have no idea who I really am.
No idea how hard it was for me to do that.
No idea why I did it in the first place.
So lets get this straight.
Short life story and you'll know why I'm like this now and why I did it.
As a child my father beat me.
If my mother tried to make him stop she would be too.
If we had ever dared to tell anyone he would have killed us without a second thought.
When I was ten I was turned into a vampire.
He killed my mother for that, blaming her for me being turned.
Now here I need to explain about vampires.
There are two types, the stereotypical ones and the ones like me.
We can stand the sun if we have a shading charm over our eyes and a sun-blocking potion rubbed into our skin.
(Kiritsu: Muggles have these things called sunglasses and sunblock you know.
Severus: So? These work just as well.
Kiritsu: You're just afraid to try muggle things.
Severus: You try being a Death Eater who uses muggle things in his presence, then get back to me.)
We can see in the dark, it makes our eyes glow. Crosses and Holy Water do nothing. The only way to kill us is a stake through the heart. Avada Kedavra just hurts like the Cruciatus. I should know, my father tried it.
We don't sleep in coffins, though if Lucius Malfoy were ever turned he probably would anyway...Note to self, if Lucius is ever turned stake him immediately, I don't need him hanging around forever, and I don't think the world could handle it.
We do need to drink blood, but in the absence of that we can eat real food. If desperate, rare steak works best.
If turned before the age of seventeen you continue to age until your seventeenth birthday.
Thankfully I finished growing and my voice had completely changed by that point. I'd hate to have a cracking voice for eternity.
If turned after age seventeen you immediately stop aging.
I have a charm over myself to make me look this old.
Back to the original story...My father kept my condition a secret, and until this point he was the only person, alive or dead, who knew.
When I started at Hogwarts and was sorted into Slytherin he was so proud. He told me that once I was older he'd take me to Voldemort to be marked.
I liked being at Hogwarts, even though most people didn't like me. The only friend I had was Lucius.
The Marauders picked on me. James Potter and Sirius Black mostly. Peter seemed content to watch, possibly help out, and follow them around like a lost puppy. Remus was somewhat amused to watch, but appalled that his friends wouldn't follow the rules more.
Then of course Potter had to save my life and put me in his debt.
When I was sixteen I was taken to be marked.
By the age of seventeen I had started spying.
Voldemort thought I was spying for him.
Albus Dumbledore thought I was spying for him.
I spied for both. Two-way spying. They both got their fair share of good and bad information. Though the false information was never about anything big.
Never got caught for that.
Became Potions teacher at age twenty-one.
Kept trying to get position as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher instead.
Same year Harry Potter defeated Voldemort. Bloody-boy-who-lived.
Nothing changed until Potter came to Hogwarts.
Saved his life to pay off my debt to his dead father.
He's too much like his father anyway. Just as arrogant.
Honestly, is it a rule that all Potter males have to be arrogant?
But I digress.
When Voldemort was brought back to life I began my two-way spying again, but I didn't lie to Albus this time. I decided that I want the side of good to win, even if that means I have to trust in Harry bloody Potter.
When told to teach Potter Occlumency I did it for both sides. Voldemort figured he needed the boy to stop seeing his important meetings, but said he'd still be able to possess the boy. So I really tried to teach him.
Draco Malfoy was marked before his sixth year. Came to me for help. Was told about my two-way spying. Helped get information on Voldemort. Knew he was going to have to kill Dumbledore. Knew of my promise to his mother. Knew we'd have to run once Albus was dead.
I told Albus about this.
We had a really long talk about what to do about it.
He told me about how he was going to take Potter to find a Horcrux that day, and that it would weaken him. Told me where they'd land when they got back, and how Potter would be under his invisibility cloak. (Severus: So that's how he snuck around the school!)
Told me to kill him.
This man is the closest thing to a real father I've ever had.
So I argued.
Tried to find another way.
Told him I couldn't kill him.
Told me I had to.
Told me that it was the only way for this to work.
Told me not to worry about him, as long as there as there were those faithful to him he would never truly be gone.
Continued to fight with him about it.
Made sure I got up there that night.
Found Draco having a hard time killing him.
Knew he wouldn't be able to do it.
Albus knew I was about to chicken out.
Pleaded with me by just saying my name.
Was basically telling me to get it over with.
I have never had so much trouble saying those two words, 'Avada Kedavra' before.
And I never want to say them again.
But I have to.
Every time I do now I see him.
I see him get hit and arc over the edge, his hair tinged green by the light from the dark mark in the sky.
Every single time.
And every time I go home and have tears running down my face, knowing that I killed him.
Now I wait for the war to end. I pray Potter wins. Maybe then I'll be able to forgive myself for giving in and not continuing to fight Albus that night. But if I don't, I know my fate. I've already decided. If Voldemort wins or I cannot find a way to forgive myself years after Potter wins I will find Potter and ask him to stake me. Because I cannot live like this.
So there you have it.
That's why I'm like this.
That's why I killed him.
My name is Severus Snape.
/Now/ you know who I am.
That changed from what I originally had
...though what I originally had written also had dear old Dumbles surviving...though that was when I was going to put ideas had after reading HBP in here...but after re-reading it they didn't fit.
Like it? Hate it?