"We'll make up games like... the hardwood is lava!" Maybe a childhood isn't too much to ask for.
I do gotta admit, I feel a lot better. And a big chunk of that is because of Brendon. But I still don’t like him! I have to point that out. I don’t like him. I never will. He’s just… annoying. I mean, he may be sweet and all innocent and cute. But yeah, never. Nope. It’s not going to happen. Anyway, about the memories, I got another one back. And it’s one that I wished I could forget when it happened. And now that I remember it, I’m not entirely sure I want to continue what I have with Brendon. But I guess we’ll see…
I’m messed up. I’m fucked up. And I don’t know what to do about it. I keep going back for more even though I know he won’t really talk to me outside of this weird thing in the bedroom. I need to stop, but I can’t. Even if he hates me, I can’t help this weird butterfly feeling in my stomach. What’s wrong with me? I’m afraid to talk to the sisters about it. Maybe I’m sick? If I am, I don’t want to get him sick. I would hate to see him sick…
Jon comes to my room every morning. He says hi and he gives me a kiss. It’s good. I like it. He’s so nice now! And it makes me feel all bubbly and happy. And Sister Sunshine likes it too. She says we both seem happier now. I think so too! I love when he comes over, because we watch movies or listen to music. But that’s all we do. I don’t think I’m ready for anything else… yet.
Yo. This sucks. I know he’s not ready for that. But I am. And it’s driving me fucking insane.
“So Ryan, I can see you’re much better now. You seem… more light on your feet. Can you tell me why?” Sister Sunshine asked, sitting across from the boy in question. He looked up and laughed a little before shaking his head, “And why not?”
“It’s just something I don’t want to talk about. It’s not dire that I don’t want to talk about it. Is it weird? Oh my god, Ryan won’t talk about something. Again.”
“Don’t give me that tone of voice, Mr. Ross.”
“I’m going to hypnotize you now. Not about why you seem better, but about the usual things. Memories and all that,” she gestured and watched as he reluctantly lay down on the couch. She came over and started the hypnosis, “Ryan, can you tell me when you lost your virginity?”
“I was… 11. My… My sister was angry. She came into my room and she didn’t know what to do… or to say… to punish me for what I had done…” he paused and Sister Sunshine was speechless, “So she slammed the door, locked it, and came over. She shoved me on the bed and just started to undress me without saying anything. And then she—”
“You don’t have to continue. It’s alright. I get what you’re trying to say,” and she didn’t really know what else to say about that. So she went on with the hypnosis, asking him about other memories. Something she found out was quite shocking. The reason Ryan had never had a boyfriend was because he was scared of commitment. He couldn’t do it. He slept around a lot with tons of different guys, never settling for one. Once he remembered that, she had to find a way to help him through that. Because Brendon would be devastated.
After the hypnosis, Sister Sunshine smiled and allowed him to leave. As he was leaving, he ran into Jon literally. He pushed him out of his way and growled, “Get the fuck out of my way!” and Ryan hit the wall. Usually, he would yell something back, but he didn’t. This was the fastest he’d ever gotten a memory shortly after hypnosis.
”GEORGE RYAN ROSS!” came his sister’s voice screeching through the door. It slammed open and then shut once she was inside. She walked over and yanked him out of his chair, “What did you do?! What the FUCK did you do? You stupid piece of shit. I can’t even believe dad didn’t catch you for that!” she threw him on the bed. Looking around, she couldn’t decide how she should punish him, so she’d do the only thing she knew.
She walked over and climbed on top of him. Ryan gasped, “What… What are you… What are you doing?”
“Showing you that you should never fucking touch my stuff again,” she started to tear off his clothing and he started to shake. He didn’t know what to do or what she was doing. Was she going to whip him? Or… And then it clicked and he started to squirm. He tried to push her off, but he couldn’t. She was bigger than him in every sense of the word.
After the fact, he ran out of the house and as far as he could possibly get. He had no friends, nobody to run to, so he just ran. He couldn’t stop himself even if he wanted to. He had to get away. He hated his sister, his dad, everyone. He had nobody in his life to turn to.
When Ryan came to, he was on the floor and Jon was shaking him, “Ryan! Ryan! Are you okay?” then Ryan blinked a few times and looked at Jon. He pushed him off and unsteadily ran up the stairs and into his room where Brendon was. He just stared at him for a few seconds before he walked over and just climbed on top of him. He didn’t care. He wanted something to calm the memory away from his mind. He would do it with anyone. But Brendon happened to be there and he happened to want it from him.
“Ryan…” he stopped him, “Are you okay?” he asked hesitantly, stroking the side of his face, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, come on,” he leaned down to kiss him, but Brendon wouldn’t let him, “What? Why do you have this fucking hesitation now? Let’s just do it.”
“Wow, now I really don’t want to. Something is wrong. You’d never just come over to me and just climb on top of me and start kissing me. I know you by now. You at least talk to me, but no. Something is wrong. Tell me.”
“Fine!” he climbed off of him and stormed out of the room. Brendon just sat up on the bed with a sigh. He knew something had happened. Maybe he got another memory back? But he didn’t want sex to be the thing that helps him through everything. Brendon wanted to be the one to help him through everything, with words, with… anything he could. Part of him wished he could just… care about him without penalty. But, hah, that can’t happen. It’s just not in Ryan’s DNA.
Meanwhile, Spencer had gone in for therapy and it was the usual gushing about Jon that she’d heard on a daily basis (outside of therapy). All he talked about was how happy he was to have found Jon and how happy he made him. It was like a broken record. But she was okay with it. It made her elated how happy Spencer was with Jon. All she could hope was that Jon didn’t mess up, that Jon kept this up. She didn’t know much about Jon’s past, but she hoped that he could stay like this with Spencer.
But of course, all things must come to an end. When Jon came in, he plopped down and looked at her, “He won’t have sex with me. And I know, I shouldn’t be rushing it. But for fuck’s sake. I haven’t had sex in years and I finally find someone that I want to have sex with and I can’t.”
“Jon, it’s been a week.”
“I know it’s been a week. But I don’t know how much I can take. He just does things all the time that just make me so… ugh. He’s just so attractive and I can’t do anything about it. He barely lets me kiss him. Do you know how aggravating that is? And I know I shouldn’t be trying to speed up a relationship with him, but I just… I don’t know what to do anymore. He just makes me so… He gives me butterflies every time I see him and all I want to do is just… grab him and hold him, but fuck his little brains out at the same time.”
“Jon… You know you can’t rush things. You like him, and I know that. But his past prevents him from going too fast with you. He may like you and he may want this relationship with you, but he’s scared, you know. He’s not perfect. I can’t divulge to you what his past is, but just trust me. If you go too fast, he’ll get scared and he’ll back down. Don’t scare him Jon. Don’t rush.”
“Ugh,” he put his face in his hands, “That boy is going to destroy me. I’ve spent the last several years pining after him and thinking about him… in… private. And now that I’m with him, I still can’t do anything about it. But now I think about him more and he’s just… He’s right there…”
“Jon, I know. I know you’ve liked him for a long time, but there is unfortunately nothing you can do. You have to wait it out. It’s not going to kill you to wait a little longer. He really likes you Jon, but sex isn’t on his mind right now and it won’t be for a while. You need to wait and you can’t pressure him into it.”
“Gah,” he muttered and got up, “I’m just going to go… cuddle with him,” he muttered and walked out. He walked up to the room that they’d been sharing for the past week and climbed into bed with him, “Hey,” he kissed the side of his head. Spencer giggled and snuggled into him, “You cold?”
He wrapped a blanket around the two of them and pulled him close, “What do you want to watch? We can watch…” he grabbed the Roku* remote. He started to flip through the different movies until Spencer had chosen one. It was some cute romantic comedy, one of Spence’s favorites. Spencer wrapped his arms around Jon and just stayed like that. Jon sighed, wrapping his arms around him. He hated this. He loved it, but hated it. He wanted more so badly, it was actually starting to hurt. That wasn’t exactly a good sign. He was scared that, one day, he might actually snap and it would turn Spencer against him forever. He didn’t want that. So masturbating had to become a repeatable daily activity for Jon. He really didn’t have much of a choice.
There was a knock on the door about halfway through the movie. Jon sat up, “Come in.”
Brendon opened the door, “Have you seen Ryan? He seemed upset, so I was trying to talk to him, but he just ran off. He’s never run off like that before and I can’t find him anywhere in the house. The sisters haven’t seen him and I don’t know where he could have gone.”
“I do,” Spencer slithered out of bed and led Brendon through the entire house before they ended up in the backyard. He got down onto his knees and crawled into the empty doghouse that was back there. They’d never had a dog, but this was there for some reason or another. They thought that perhaps the old owner left it and the sisters just never took it down, “Ryan?”
His head snapped up, “Go away. I want to be alone. I don’t want to talk to anyone.”
Spencer sighed and climbed out. He stood, “You go in.”
“He just said he doesn’t want to talk to anyone, what makes you think he’ll talk to me?” Brendon was hesitant. Spencer shoved him and he sighed. He got down on his knees and crawled in. It wasn’t very big, but it was just big enough for Brendon to sit next to him and wrap an arm around him, “Ryan… I’m here for you, you know that. And I always will be. Please don’t run away from me.”
Ryan looked up at him, “I… I’ve been using you…” he looked down at his hands, “I didn’t know why until now. And I feel horrible. I don’t want to use you anymore…”
“Why do you think you’ve been using me?”
“I… When I was 11… My sister… My sister got mad at me… And she wasn’t strong enough to hurt me the way my dad does… So she found another way. She…” he took a deep breath, “She… She raped me. And after that… I never had a boyfriend. I just slept around with anyone who would take me. And even though I didn’t remember that, I still did it with you… And I don’t… I still want to, but I don’t want to take advantage of you like that. It’s not fair. You’re so… nice to me.”
“She… when you were 11? Wow. I didn’t even lose my virginity until… well, you.”
His eyes widened, “Wait, what?”
“I’ve been here since I was five. I’ve never had a boyfriend before and I’ve always been really… stuck in my own little world. And you’re 14. I liked you from the second they brought you in here, but you were 13. You were a kid. You still are. So when you had sex with me, I just… I felt like a pedophile because you’re young and you shouldn’t even really know what sex is. But once you had sex with me… I stopped thinking about that because, if you were okay with it, so was I… But now I know why. And we shouldn’t. Not anymore. Because, whether you want me to or not, I care about you. And I’m not going to stop. So we should stop what we have going. I like it, I have to admit, but it’s not going to help either of us.”
Ryan took a deep breath, “I took your virginity because I was depressed and you didn’t even think to stop me?” he whispered and put his face in his hands, “I’m such a horrible person. You probably hate me.”
“I don’t hate you, Ryan. I like you. You’re one of the only people here that I like,” he kissed the side of his head. He moved some of his hair away from his forehead and rested Ryan’s head against his chest, “And I’ll stay with you for as long as you want me to.”
Ryan put his diary down and turned into Brendon, “I wish I could be 14. Actually 14. Not this… stupid… grown up that never got to be a kid.”
Brendon smiled, “I’ll take you to do all the kid things you never got to do. Sister Katherine will have to come with us, but it’s okay. We’ll go to Chuck-E-Cheese and arcades. And I’ll take you ice skating! And we’ll go to a park and I can push you on the swings. It’ll be fun!”
His eyes lightened, “Really? You’d do that?”
He nodded, “And we can play board games and hand games and… all those games that kids used to play that no one plays anymore. We’ll make up games like… jump across the hardwood since it’s lava! It’ll be fun, I promise,” he kissed his forehead, “I’ll give you what you never got.”
Ryan squealed a little, “I’m so excited now! Thank you!” he hugged him tightly. He had no idea what board games he was talking about or even what hand games were. He also didn’t know what the ‘hardwood is lava’ meant. But it didn’t matter. He was excited. He got to be a kid again… He leaned up and kissed him on the lips and smiled, “Thank you.”
Brendon was caught completely off guard. He coughed a couple times, “Oh uh, you’re welcome,” he smiled. He didn’t think Ryan would kiss him after all that, but hey, it was a start, right? Maybe it would be the start to something beautiful… or he could hope.
A/N: So not too much angst in this one, haha. I decided to make it cute. Just... cause. So yeah, Merry Christmas! :) I hope you enjoyed it and, hey, the world didn't end! Look at that. Haha. Please rate and review. And I won't take this one down, I promise, haha.